AIBU about Mil wedding accommodation

[UsernameWeddingChange]

Bil getting married later this year. Its at a wedding barn in middle of nowhere. Me and dh can't drive (dh can't because he has dyspraxia). It will likely take us 3 hours door to door via public transport (bus, then train, then either bus and, walking or a 25 pound taxi ride). Wedding starts at 11.30am so might need to set off at 7am to make sure we get there incase there are train and bus delays etc.

I'm a sahm because my son is autistic. He is 4. I will have to see how he settles at school before working. He can't do a full day at nursery at the moment because he wants to come home by lunchtime, he will have a melt down overwise. He has behavioural issues and will hit, push and kick other children at nursery, soft play and play groups if they get is his space. In laws are annoyed he isn't coming to wedding but me and dh both agree it's for the best as its a big wedding with lots of other children and his behaviour can be unpredictable and it's likely he won't sit still and hit other children there.

My parents will look after my son while we go to wedding. He is very good with my mum. Mil lives in city near wedding venue and dh asked if we could stay the night and travel with them to the wedding. She said no because she is going to invite DH's third cousin's family to stay the night and hire a car to drive them to wedding. They are coming from another country for the wedding. Wedding venue is near the airport and this family is very wealthy (jobs high up in finance and second homes). So we will either have to pay for a 100 pounds Hotel and taxi or pay for my parents to stay in hotel near our house and set off at 7am in the morning and travel for 3 hours (my parents live an hour and half away and won't be able to get to our house in time so will need hotel).

AIBU to think giving priority to distant family members over your own son is a bit crappy. Especially since distant family are wealthy and can more than afford hotel and we are on one income with an autistic son. I have become more frugal with money because the future is uncertain. Thanks for reading

Kumbaya12 Thanks

If she denies blaming you what exactly has she said that you claim is blaming you? She has blamed us for his behaviour, that he is not fully potty trained and his language delay. Asking things like are you even trying to potty train him? Are you even talking to him, maybe that's why he can't talk etc. Constant stuff like that.

@UsernameWeddingChange

If she denies blaming you what exactly has she said that you claim is blaming you? She has blamed us for his behaviour, that he is not fully potty trained and his language delay. Asking things like are you even trying to potty train him? Are you even talking to him, maybe that's why he can't talk etc. Constant stuff like that.

So not a one off An ongoing issue

And yet you are desperate to stay overnight with her

Why? Just why?

@UsernameWeddingChange
if I had a pound for everyone who blamed me for my child’s issues I would be a lot richer than I am. It sucks but it’s life how do you stay civil with family members who blame you? Any advice as I certainly struggle with it.
Honestly I learned to care less, in my case my youngest had ADHD and I got it from everyone teachers, friends, other school parents, randoms in shops as well as family members. The gamut of all comments from “No such thing as ADHD just bad parenting” “child just needs a good smack” “ if child lived in my house I would soon sort them out” etc etc. In-laws were worse because they were religious and I’m not which added a whole layer of blame my parents were supportive but a bit clueless as to the impact of my child’s condition and one of my siblings stopped talking to us (I didn’t care it was their loss).
I restricted contact and luckily my DH agreed with me, we only went to family occasions when it worked for us and did not discuss my child’s condition at all. DH often went to family things on his own. Actually a few years later my in-laws apologised for their beliefs and behaviour and praised me as a parent, it was too late for me and I never needed their approval anyway. They have both since passed away. I joined a parents group and had one exceptionally good friend and looked to them for support rather than my in-laws.

I have dyspraxia, quite severely, and learned to drive in an automatic with an instructer who had dyspraxia himself & have created markers in the car for left and right & for all the visual cues I need to be able to park / do mirror checks etc. So it may be more realistic, considering the stress you’re under with your son, for him to learn if you can find a disability friendly instructer. But obvs that won’t fix the problem now.

Honestly I think considering the hassle & that you don’t get on with his family anyway your DH should just go alone. But in the future if your mil needs a favour from you, your answer should he a flat no.

Just don’t go to the wedding. You’d be miserable, I suspect guests would know you were miserable. Just don’t spoil your DHs enjoyment of his brother’s big day.

Probably a bit off topic, but I hope you’re claiming DLA and caters allowance for DS.
I know how shit it can be to have a son with autism and family that don’t get it

Seems to be a lot of resentments all mixed up in this thread which don't necessarily go together. On the question of whether the distant relatives should be accommodated over closer relatives well that really depends on who asked first and who arranged what first. It sounds like you asked after the arrangement with the distant relations was already agreed. If that's the case I think it's unreasonable to expect them to be turned away now or suddenly told they can't come because you want to stay there instead. It would be the height of rudeness and unfair to them if the arrangement has already been made.

I do think its a bit strange that you seem to be very very focused on who gets what money from whom to pay for accommodation. It's surely down to your dh to mind or not about that. You come across as disliking your mil so much I'm a bit nonplussed as to why you want to stay there? It sounds like it's just to save money which feels a bit unfriendly. I think the paying for the sil isn't really your business to be honest. You've mentioned the mil blaming you etc in comments since. Which sounds like something you maybe need to try and iron out. Perhaps there have been misunderstandings there?

in terms of practicalities, if your parents are late in the morning why can't your husband leave early and you join when you can? That way you have less time at the event which you said you didn't want to be too long and can join everyone either at the wedding or the reception etc?

@UsernameWeddingChange

TempName01 Not sure I want to bother bil the night before his wedding. No dh is not groomsmen. We have been excluded from anything in wedding. DH's sister and cousin are bridesmaids and I wasn't asked. We have been treated differently since we had dc.

I wouldn't go. Save yourself all this hassle for people that treat you like this.

Save yourself the hassle and send DH on his own. You're not appreciated or going to enjoy yourself. Your moneys better spent on yourself.

DH's sister and cousin are bridesmaids and I wasn't asked

That isn’t particularly odd though. I can see why she might want her own daughter/niece as bridesmaid.

You clearly don’t really like each either, but what the mother has paid for or what the sister earns has nothing to do with anything. I’d tell DH to go alone.

@UsernameWeddingChange

I suspect your Mil has the hump because you have said your son won't be attending This is most likely the case. But then she gets annoyed by his behaviour because in her words he doesn't act 'normal'.

As a comparison when we got married we said no gifts because we knew it would be expensive for friends and family to travel/stay if they didn't live near us. Wish this was the case. They have said no physical gifts and then want money only.

So give £20

Honesty while I get it's annoying it sounds like you can afford a hotel - you just don't want to spend the money.

She's spending time with distant family. DSIL is part of the wedding party and (presumably) single so parents are paying for her room.

Are you being overly anxious about money because of your son? And, because of that, being cheap? I think you just need to take the hit tbh.

Are you being overly anxious about money because of your son? And, because of that, being cheap? yes definitely since ds diagnosis I'm more anxious about money. But the way we get treated my DH's family especially last year, which was the worst year of my life (which they made worse with their behaviour) and the preferential treatment other family members gets bothers me alot.

If your SIL is a bridesmaid that may be why they are paying for her room at the hotel.

If the family are over specifically for the wedding from abroad it would be reasonable for MIL to host them because it is unlikely to be for just one night but for their trip.

It is likely to take you 3 hours to get there I assume it will take as long to go home after and DH is going to sleep in with his sister (does she know this yet? If not she might not welcome her brother being in the room she is getting ready etc).

I am not sure I would want to travel.home alone 3 hours just for DH to come back the next day

I suspect I would decline the invitation as it seems logistically difficult and the rest of DH'S family don't seem to have any ideas as to help.

OK, so have your parents arrive the night before, give them your room, and you have the sofabed / air mattress in the sitting room. Next day travel up to the wedding, and stay overnight in the nearest cheap hotel, travel back the next day. When the wedding becomes too much for you, you leave DH with his family, and taxi back to your hotel, have a quiet night on your own. DS can join you when his ready. If family object, say you're feeling unwell - not a lie, as it's them making you ill.

So only one extra taxi, to take you back to the hotel, on top of he regular travel to get there. Make your DH's brother happy to have him there on his special day.

As for a gift, forget money, no one can make you. Buy a lovely photo frame (you can get lovely ones at charity shops both new and antique) and put it a photo of the happy couple. MIL can't object as it's a very thoughtful and personal gift.

Then cut back contact until next Christmas rolls around.

DH can join you at your hotel, not DS - sorry, typo.

Low of sensible suggestions

NONE of which the OP will do

Why? Because doesn’t involve drama.

The OP does not want to go to this wedding.

She is angry at her in laws; her SIL; And indeeD anyone with more money than her it would seem

Lots of sensible suggestions

I meant to say

@thanktor

Low of sensible suggestions

NONE of which the OP will do

Why? Because doesn’t involve drama.

The OP does not want to go to this wedding.

She is angry at her in laws; her SIL; And indeeD anyone with more money than her it would seem

💯 this.

@UsernameWeddingChange

Tbh I don't see how any of this is your MIL's responsibility to take on.
You get an invitation to a wedding then you expect to either pay for accommodation around the wedding dates and/or drive/find transport there and back.
We have a family wedding and similar distance away. Both the groom's and bride's family have a number of autistic children in them and they're all attending. You're choosing differently and it does feel a bit like you're ostracising your lo tbh. And yes I'm a lone mother of a child with autism who is fully aware of the difficulties.
Why couldn't you all go to the wedding, stay at a hotel for 2 nights with your parents available to take your child when needed or at a planned time. Surely the amount of travel you're suggesting wouldn't be incomparable to a hotel and your parents could drive you? Why don't you drive?

I really feel for you, OP and you’re getting a unnecessarily hard time on here.

I’d say don’t go, look after you son, send your apologies to BIL and his bride. You don’t need to explain to anyone else. DH stays with his sister.

Ignore your poisonous MIL tune out what she does with her money, and focus on what’s best for your family. Wishing you luck 💐

MeridianB Thank you

@MeridianB

I really feel for you, OP and you’re getting a unnecessarily hard time on here.

I’d say don’t go, look after you son, send your apologies to BIL and his bride. You don’t need to explain to anyone else. DH stays with his sister.

Ignore your poisonous MIL tune out what she does with her money, and focus on what’s best for your family. Wishing you luck 💐

An unnecessarily hard time? She's a grown up and needs to act accordingly. Noone has to do anything for her nor pay for her. She chooses not to drive. She chooses not to take responsibility for herself

The OP does not want to go to this wedding.

So? She doesn't want to go. That's good enough reason not to go. As the old phrase goes, it's an invitation, not a summons. The myriad arguments as to why she should pull out all the stops to go - 'because it's DH's brother's wedding and you HAVE to' - are therefore sideways from the point. No concessions are being made for her whereas she's being expected to sacrifice other important celebrations, such as Christmas, to the whims of her MiL.

It isn't necessary to dream up a million-and-one excuses as to why she can or cannot go. It doesn't work for her. It creates too many problems in accommodating her child, who has ASD, and as that child's mother she is rightly putting his interests first.

As PPs on this thread keep helpfully pointing out, they are all adults. Adults can make their own choices as to how they wish to host their weddings. Would-be guests can decide to accept or decline on the same basis. That's all there is to it.

As for the to post above, She's a grown up and needs to act accordingly. Noone has to do anything for her nor pay for her. She chooses not to drive. She chooses not to take responsibility for herself - I'm unsure where you make the leap between ability to drive and ability to take responsibility for oneself. And if the bride, groom, MiL et al have no responsibility to do anything whatever for OP, then the same is true in reverse and she has no similar responsibilities toward them.

Because they're all adults, right?