AIBU about Mil wedding accommodation

[UsernameWeddingChange]

Bil getting married later this year. Its at a wedding barn in middle of nowhere. Me and dh can't drive (dh can't because he has dyspraxia). It will likely take us 3 hours door to door via public transport (bus, then train, then either bus and, walking or a 25 pound taxi ride). Wedding starts at 11.30am so might need to set off at 7am to make sure we get there incase there are train and bus delays etc.

I'm a sahm because my son is autistic. He is 4. I will have to see how he settles at school before working. He can't do a full day at nursery at the moment because he wants to come home by lunchtime, he will have a melt down overwise. He has behavioural issues and will hit, push and kick other children at nursery, soft play and play groups if they get is his space. In laws are annoyed he isn't coming to wedding but me and dh both agree it's for the best as its a big wedding with lots of other children and his behaviour can be unpredictable and it's likely he won't sit still and hit other children there.

My parents will look after my son while we go to wedding. He is very good with my mum. Mil lives in city near wedding venue and dh asked if we could stay the night and travel with them to the wedding. She said no because she is going to invite DH's third cousin's family to stay the night and hire a car to drive them to wedding. They are coming from another country for the wedding. Wedding venue is near the airport and this family is very wealthy (jobs high up in finance and second homes). So we will either have to pay for a 100 pounds Hotel and taxi or pay for my parents to stay in hotel near our house and set off at 7am in the morning and travel for 3 hours (my parents live an hour and half away and won't be able to get to our house in time so will need hotel).

AIBU to think giving priority to distant family members over your own son is a bit crappy. Especially since distant family are wealthy and can more than afford hotel and we are on one income with an autistic son. I have become more frugal with money because the future is uncertain. Thanks for reading

You are coming across as bitter if your Mil said you caused your childs disability would you not be bitter towards them to?

Imo mil has spelled out where you all figure. It doesn't look good. Maybe moving forward you spell out your ds comes first and she can go visit someone else for Xmas etc. She has no monopoly on your time in future. Let her strop..

Oh sorry just saw the £25 is part of the journey

Did they already have arrangements with the other family? If so I would expect that to stand.

@UsernameWeddingChange

You are coming across as bitter if your Mil said you caused your childs disability would you not be bitter towards them to?

And where is that getting you exactly? You seem to also be bitter about relatives wealth as compared to yours. None of this helps you.

Best way is to get the £25 taxi. Thats £50 to abd fro. Can you stretch to that? Yeah just don't want to pay for expensive hotel on top of that and train travel, wedding gifts etc.

Did they already have arrangements with the other family? If so I would expect that to stand. No she said she is going to ask them if they want to stay after DH asking her about staying.

And where is that getting you exactly? You seem to also be bitter about relatives wealth as compared to yours. None of this helps you. Its about putting distant family members first not money.

Distant family members who are travelling a long way and who they don’t presumably see often. Get over yourself. And given that you have mentioned several family members wealth you ARE making it about money. Your in laws have the right to spend time, money how they wish. If you don’t like it tough.

OP I really don't understand why you are facilitating this. Just say sorry - we can't attend, too many logistical problems and too expensive. If your DH wants to go so be it. I think it all sounds too exhausting and difficult.

Why someone would book a barn in the middle of nowhere and not arrange transport for guests from the nearest city is beyond me? Likewise why Mil cannot offer you a bed for one night and see the relatives the rest of the time they are over ... I doubt they are travelling from abroad for 2 nights.

I suspect your Mil has the hump because you have said your son won't be attending

As a comparison when we got married we said no gifts because we knew it would be expensive for friends and family to travel/stay if they didn't live near us.

@thanktor

You clearly don’t get on at all with your MIL

So I’m not surprised at all she’s rather avoid an overnight stay

This is the one!

Lots of moaning about who has more money than who (no one ever really knows that unless you’ve seen their bank statements). Complaining she isn’t a bridesmaid (why would you have your SIL as bridesmaid if you have a sister & cousin?) There’s clearly more to this than a place to stay for the night.

The wedding is not really about you (or your MiL), it’s somebody else’s special day. They can be inconvenient, expensive & take a lot of planning, but most people make the sacrifice because they understand how important it is that our families are present.
Get your parents to stay the night before in your bed & blow up an air bed in the living room (it’s one night), then pay out for the transport (which presumably you’re used to if you don’t drive & you must have to travel once in a while) & get a cheap hotel. You can’t put all your money aside for the future. You have to live now too! Go and have some fun!

DH isn’t worried about paying for a hotel so why are you?

I would prioritise family from abroad to be honest.

@2022HereWeCome

OP I really don't understand why you are facilitating this. Just say sorry - we can't attend, too many logistical problems and too expensive. If your DH wants to go so be it. I think it all sounds too exhausting and difficult.

Why someone would book a barn in the middle of nowhere and not arrange transport for guests from the nearest city is beyond me? Likewise why Mil cannot offer you a bed for one night and see the relatives the rest of the time they are over ... I doubt they are travelling from abroad for 2 nights.

I suspect your Mil has the hump because you have said your son won't be attending

I completely agree. But because it's a wedding and because the day must run EXACTLY how the bride and groom want it to run, and stuff any inconvenience encountered by the guests - quite aside from those with neuro-diverse children and the additional difficulties that entailed - everyone must just suck it up without complaint.

I've never heard such grandiose ideas of entitlement than those accompanying certain weddings. 'But it's his brother's wedding so you MUST go!', run the objections, added to which are all the reasons why it won't put her to significant additional expense and inconvenience to attend (it will).

Here's a shocker: OP does not 'have' to go. She's not a recalcitrant child: she is a grown adult who is at liberty to make her own decisions. As B&G can invite exactly who they wish under whatever conditions they please, OP can decline that invitation on whatever pretext she sees fit. But the angst over this issuing/ declining/ acceptance of a simple invitation eludes me. What is with the power trip that comes with weddings: it's Our Day (or in this case, our child's Day) so for the first time since we were Head Girl/Boy we get to tell everyone else exactly what to do? Short answer: no. If a wedding invitation is declined it's not the end of the world, especially if the invitee is someone they don't even particularly like.

OP's husband's family have made it clear what their priorities are. Hers is her autistic son.

I suspect your Mil has the hump because you have said your son won't be attending This is most likely the case. But then she gets annoyed by his behaviour because in her words he doesn't act 'normal'.

As a comparison when we got married we said no gifts because we knew it would be expensive for friends and family to travel/stay if they didn't live near us. Wish this was the case. They have said no physical gifts and then want money only.

I understand how you feel but if arrangements had already been made, they can hardly be unarranged.

You'll just have to suck this one up and if such an event arises in the future, get in first.

Why do you have to pay for your parents to stay somewhere, can they not afford to pay for themselves? Sorry if you've already said.

Why do you have to pay for your parents to stay somewhere, can they not afford to pay for themselves? Since they are helping with childcare I feel bad asking them to pay for their own hotel

OK, I get it Username. Sorry.

Work out if you can afford it all. It would be a shame to miss out on a wedding, especially if you like the people concerned.

@Wishensticks

Just don't bother going. We didn't go to BILs wedding because of practicalities (no childcare and children weren't invited). We're surprisingly still alive.

Very valid reasons

This is because of one night room in a premier inn. Which the DH would like to book

I wouldn't give money to people who have more than me. I also think it's very rude to request cash - it puts some guests in a really tricky position. With actual gifts it's possible to get something thoughtful but not necessarily expensive.

Its about putting distant family members first not money

Why? They are DISTANT family members. Your words. Spend your money on your own family instead.

Just don’t go. He can go on his own. That way you only lay his fists to get there

If mil kicks off dh can just say you can’t afford it, he did ask about staying with her and she said no

Op

You seem to despise you’re MIl
You don’t like your SIL very clearly and annoyed that you weren’t asked to be bridesmaid when cousins were
And you seem to dislike anyone with more money than you. If not the visiting cousins, it’s your SIL who “probably has now disposable income” than you.

Come on… admit it… it’s an anonymous forum - you don’t WANT to go to the wedding!!

it’s about putting distance family members first. Not the money

Op, just to refresh your memory you say in your OP

* AIBU to think giving priority to distant family members over your own son is a bit crappy. Especially since distant family are wealthy and can more than afford hotel and we are on one income with an autistic son. I have become more frugal with money because the future is uncertain*

And in another post you outrightly say “income is relevant”

With actual gifts it's possible to get something thoughtful but not necessarily expensive Yeah and I think I will. Mil might complain its not money as that's what they asked for.

I stead of paying for your parents hotel.
They come to you the afternoon before, you travel up and use that money to stay closer??