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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about Mil wedding accommodation

161 replies

UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 11:31

Bil getting married later this year. Its at a wedding barn in middle of nowhere. Me and dh can't drive (dh can't because he has dyspraxia). It will likely take us 3 hours door to door via public transport (bus, then train, then either bus and, walking or a 25 pound taxi ride). Wedding starts at 11.30am so might need to set off at 7am to make sure we get there incase there are train and bus delays etc.

I'm a sahm because my son is autistic. He is 4. I will have to see how he settles at school before working. He can't do a full day at nursery at the moment because he wants to come home by lunchtime, he will have a melt down overwise. He has behavioural issues and will hit, push and kick other children at nursery, soft play and play groups if they get is his space. In laws are annoyed he isn't coming to wedding but me and dh both agree it's for the best as its a big wedding with lots of other children and his behaviour can be unpredictable and it's likely he won't sit still and hit other children there.

My parents will look after my son while we go to wedding. He is very good with my mum. Mil lives in city near wedding venue and dh asked if we could stay the night and travel with them to the wedding. She said no because she is going to invite DH's third cousin's family to stay the night and hire a car to drive them to wedding. They are coming from another country for the wedding. Wedding venue is near the airport and this family is very wealthy (jobs high up in finance and second homes). So we will either have to pay for a 100 pounds Hotel and taxi or pay for my parents to stay in hotel near our house and set off at 7am in the morning and travel for 3 hours (my parents live an hour and half away and won't be able to get to our house in time so will need hotel).

AIBU to think giving priority to distant family members over your own son is a bit crappy. Especially since distant family are wealthy and can more than afford hotel and we are on one income with an autistic son. I have become more frugal with money because the future is uncertain. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
thanktor · 28/02/2022 12:17

You clearly don’t get on at all with your MIL

So I’m not surprised at all she’s rather avoid an overnight stay

Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 12:17

ChristmasCrackered money isn't an issue for them, they are quite wealthy and don't have the worries we do. I have become more frugal since sons diagnosis.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/02/2022 12:18

I don’t think I’d go either. Far too much faff and no one is bothering to help you out in the least (except your parents who are totally unrelated to the groom!)

thanktor · 28/02/2022 12:20

Your husband brother is getting married
Your husband would like to get a hotel

Come on op. Your sibling doesn’t get married every week. Surely just bend to your dh on this one occasion

LittleOwl153 · 28/02/2022 12:20

It very much sounds like you (you specifically or you and dh) are not wanted - and that MIL has no comprehension of your struggles with DS or struggles with money that that causes.

Tbh I'd be tempted to just say sorry we cannot afford to attend so won't be.

If MIL isn't prepared to help you by

  • paying for your room (like she has dh sister) or
  • putting you up (as she is for others) and
  • I'd suggest perhaps punishing you because DS won't be there - as clearly he wouldn't cope with all that palava of travel even if he'd manage during the day.

She doesn't want you there does she?

I'd give up. Assuming you can trust dh not to spend money you don't have I'd tell him to go alone if he must - or not bother at all. It all sounds really nasty to me so I'd not want to be part of it.

Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 12:21

thanktor yes I don't get on with Mil but I have tried and everything I did was never enough. She is a very difficult women. And since she has blamed my sons autism on me I find it even more difficult to get on with her.

OP posts:
Getoffmyshoes · 28/02/2022 12:21

YABU, it’s SO annoying when people expect others to change their plans to accommodate them when they don’t drive. Appreciate your DH has dyspraxia but is there any reason you don’t drive? I’m assuming the venue is much close by car?

I don’t see why MIL should have to not allow her family from abroad who she doesn’t see very often just because you don’t drive.

thanktor · 28/02/2022 12:22

And the wealth of the guests is completely irrelevant
If they are friends of your in laws
Then they may want to stay over simply because friends!

I can easily afford a hotel but when I see a ex uni friend - I always stay at hers

thanktor · 28/02/2022 12:23

@UsernameWeddingChange

thanktor yes I don't get on with Mil but I have tried and everything I did was never enough. She is a very difficult women. And since she has blamed my sons autism on me I find it even more difficult to get on with her.
So you don’t get on at all Vehemently so Is it any wonder she doesn’t want you staying? I’m surprised you even want to
NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 12:23

Perhaps they do treat you and DH differently to the rest of the family, and if so you can go LC and stop expecting anything of them.

But to be perfectly honest if you refused to come with my brother to my wedding just because you’d have to pay for a hotel room, I’d not think much of you. So your action will also effect how you are treated…

Pay for a cheap hotel room the night before, organise transport, smile and have a good time, head home to look after DC making a gracious exit.

MyAnacondaMight · 28/02/2022 12:23

Sounds like MIL is making a point by refusing to help with transport. Perhaps there’s history there?

What would you do if MIL didn’t exist? Do that instead of trying to make her help when she doesn’t want to.

Your husband going alone sounds the easiest option - unless your parents are willing to get up early to drive to your house and start childcare.

CheltenhamLady · 28/02/2022 12:24

I agree with @thanktor, this is a family wedding, try to accommodate the issues. Try and make it work.

Would it be possible to travel down the night before with your parents and son and stay over for a couple of nights in a local Premier Inn or Travelodge? Booked well in advance they are not too expensive.

I would bet that there would be other guests doing the same and you can get a lift to the wedding with them.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/02/2022 12:26

So she spits her dummy out because ds isn't coming and takes it out on you both? Send a message on to the organiser to put her at a table near the kitchen.
And hold that grudge op.
I would.

TheChronicalTales · 28/02/2022 12:27

There’s actually driving instructors that specialise in dyspraxia/autism/adhd now a days. I know because I’m dyspraxic and autistic and managed to find one who was super patient with me. It took me three years and multiple tests but I passed my test in the end. I echo PP that an automatic is the way to go. However, appreciate that as you don’t drive either it’s probably not something your family has deemed as important which is also fine, but difficult because being a non driver burdens people in a way which you don’t realise until you get your own car!

Seems like the wisest choice here is not to go.

Elsiebear90 · 28/02/2022 12:35

I think YABU, you’re grown adults and shouldn’t be relying on your MIL to pay for your hotel room, take you to and from the wedding or cancel her plans so you can stay with her. Presumably you have known about this wedding for some time and imo you should have made your own arrangements.

ImAvingOops · 28/02/2022 12:36

I'm going to defend non drivers because not everyone is cut out to drive. If you aren't good at it (and some people just aren't, for numerous reasons) it's better and safer for everyone to stay off the roads.
It's also really expensive to learn to drive and to run a car, especially if you are down one income due to needing to care for a child with disabilities. If OP lives in a place where she doesn't need to drive day to day in order to live her normal life, it's a lot of money to spend just do that she could drive to the occasional wedding.

Getoffmyshoes · 28/02/2022 12:37

@ImAvingOops

I'm going to defend non drivers because not everyone is cut out to drive. If you aren't good at it (and some people just aren't, for numerous reasons) it's better and safer for everyone to stay off the roads. It's also really expensive to learn to drive and to run a car, especially if you are down one income due to needing to care for a child with disabilities. If OP lives in a place where she doesn't need to drive day to day in order to live her normal life, it's a lot of money to spend just do that she could drive to the occasional wedding.
That’s all well and good but she can’t then expect her MIL to change her plan to accommodate her non-driving.
rookiemere · 28/02/2022 12:40

Quite a few things to unpack here.

I think it's fair enough that ILs want to host relatives that have flown in specially for the wedding, but not fair that they're prepared to pay for DILs hotel room, but not DHs.

I would suggest that you both go and for the night before find the cheapest hotel you can in the city near wedding and then see if anyone can give you a lift to the venue.

rookiemere · 28/02/2022 12:41

Also as ILs are paying for their DDs room DH could ask if they'd pay for his for the night before the wedding.

ImAvingOops · 28/02/2022 12:58

I don't know Getoffmyshoes. Broadly I think that parents should treat both their kids fairly - if they offer help and support to their daughter then they should to their son. And when you add to the mix that their son's child has additional needs, which makes life harder, you'd think they'd be happier to put themselves out a bit to help.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 28/02/2022 13:05

The only reason you seem upset in this situation is that it would be more convenient and cost less if you could stay with your IL but you wouldn't stay with her otherwise. You both dislike each other, she's said some awful things to you but now she can do something for you you want to be prioritised.

If you can't afford the wedding then you can't afford it but if the only reason you don't want to go (you don't have an issue leaving DS with your parents) is because it would cost you more because you can't stay with IL then YABU. It's best not to compare with other people, it can feel unfair but presumably you aren't aware of the minute details of everyone's finances and why the IL offered money for SIL and not your husband. If you don't want to go then DH should attend if he wants to, if you both actually want to attend then try and make it work without your IL.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/02/2022 13:08

Takes a wedding or a funeral to see some people, in the context of their relationships with us, as they really are.

Sometimes this comes as a surprise to us and sometimes it doesn't. But it can solidify who really is worthy of our time and who isn't. As far as weddings are concerned, I find this a valuable take-out from an event which often causes more trouble than it's worth.

In your position I'd let DH go alone. It would also be a final release from even the smallest sense of obligation I might have felt towards his mother. Shared DNA with her husband and kid doesn't give her a free pass to be a dick (and blaming you for your child's autism is being much more than a dick).

YANBU.

Hadalifeonce · 28/02/2022 13:20

Have you spoken to the groom about your travel/accommodation problems (don't mention MiL) he may be able to offer suggestions/help?

Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 13:26

Is it any wonder she doesn’t want you staying? She complains when we don't visit and stay for Christmas and DH siblings birthday parties at her house.
So it's just when it suits her.

OP posts:
Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 13:27

Have you spoken to the groom about your travel/accommodation no DH hasn't. He might offer his house but I don't want to bother him the night before his wedding

OP posts:
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