Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

What’s his body like? Six pack and strong calves? I’d only be willing to loose two stone if his willing to muscle up too, effort from both sides.
If his already muscley, then I’d tell him I’d want him to put on some weight and loose them as your idea of the perfect man body is a cuddly teddy bear

I’m similar build to you, ie. 5ft 7 and pear shape.

5”7 and size 14 is not overweight! I

Stay where you are. Eat what you want. Tell your mum.

Is there any equity in the house? See a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to.

So sorry that's he's done this but there is no coming back from that is there. It does seem like he wants you to end it. There must be another woman or even another man. Men don't usually end their relationships for no reason.

What a dreadful thing to say to you!!! No you don’t need to lose weight. There is more going on than he has the guts to admit to you and is putting you down and making your physical appearance the reason… which is the lowest of the low. What a shit he is.
Please read every lovely supportive comment on this thread and 1) please don’t let this knock your confidence and 2) please don’t leave the house and seek legal advice on what you are entitled to.
Good luck xx

Does sound like someone has turned his head and he wants to go ahead with her but has (some) morals so wants to ship you off first so he doesn’t look bad

I’m so sorry OP.
What a cruel thing to have said to you.
Your marriage is over and you will never feel secure with this man again.
You’ve had the rug swept out from under you. It will take time and probably counselling to process this.
Seek legal advice now.

@FennecShandDoesEverything

I am not one to get all "shershay la fam" the second a man expresses dissatisfaction, but in this circumstance... I'm sorry, there is someone else in his mind, if not necessarily yet a full-blown affair. There is always a way, if someone wants to find one.

I don't see any way your marriage can come back from this. Take advice and take care of yourself.

I agree with this. I am so sorry op. This is not about your weight, there’s something else afoot. And agree with another poster that better 7 months married than years of this shit.

Yeah I'm afraid my money is on someone else. I'm so so sorry.

He’s a prick.

Take some legal advice. Find out what you might be entitled to, if you’ve been contributing to the household finances for three years it may be more than you realise. Don’t just take a cash offer from him to move out, although a solicitor might suggest this is a good option and won’t prejudice anything later down the line.

He wants out and is prepared to bash your confidence to do it, which is just spiteful.

Things once spoken can never be unheard.

You’ll never forget him saying all these things to you even if you did decide to lose weight for him to stay in your marriage.

Leave today and never look back.

He’s the one who has lied for years to you. All you’ve done is trust someone you thought loved you.

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice

Err, I don't think so. The house is a marital asset and he'll have to buy you out, possibly by selling it. Don't let him cheat you financially on top of whatever headfuck he is visiting upon you.

If it was me I would suspect he could be gay or having an affair.

Whilst 'leave the bastard' is always the main advice, only you really know whether your marriage is worth saving.

Whilst telling your partner they think your overweight is never a nice conversation, atleast he has had the decency to tell you why he believes hes not sexually attracted to you fully, a lot of men would have just said he feels he loves you as a friend without any explanation. Weight is always such a difficult topic to bring up, as of course everyone has the right to feel comfortable in their own skin, but that doesn't mean everyone has the same description of sexually attractive.

Again, i 100% understand hearing that your partner thinks your overweight is soul destroying - equally, none of us can help what we find attractive and dont. I agree with you its very very strange to bring this up now when you have been the same size your entire relationship, and i cant really find any logically explanation for that one.

Could i be that hes just having a bit of a 'moment' ? - I have had a few of these, where i look at my partner and think, am i really madly in love with you or am i here for habit? In the end, it always coincides with a super stressful time in my life, whether that be related to my DP or to work or friendships etc, and because my DP is always around, my doubt sinks in around him first. Coincidently, my DP has recently lost a little bit of weight unintentionally, and i do find him more attractive for it.
I know deep deep down i love him with all my heart, and my life is a better plave for him being in it.
Is it possible your DH is having a bit of 'moment' in life and is pinning it on you? The back tracking about everything else sounds like its a possibility, he thought you were the issue - spoke to you about it, now regrets having part of that conversation.

Only you know whether your relationship is worth saving. Do you think you'd be happier in the long run calling it quits now?
Or do you think you you'd regret not trying?

In this instance, i truely believe both outcomes are completely justified. I am so sorry this is happening to you, life can be so unbelievably unfair. wishing you all the luck xxx

He sounds naive as fuck if he thinks he can just usher you out the door with a nice little rental. Time to seriously get your ducks in a row OP, call the legal charity 'Rights of Women' and ask for their help in applying for an Occupation Order. This regulates who has the short term right to remain in the matrimonial home whilst deciding what to do in terms of separation etc - his sudden onset of psychologically cruel behaviour is likely to fall within the definition of coercive control.

This will give you some breathing space, but also fire a warning shot to your husband that you are not to be fucked with.

Best of luck OP.

To answer a few questions…

1. I’ve not told my mum. Feel so scared of telling people as it makes it all more “final”. My parents will be beyond furious.

1. His body is very skinny. He’s 6ft 2 and a size 30 waist with no muscle. His ex from years ago was very petite and I asked him if he was more attracted to her and he said “yes at the time I had more of a physical attraction with her”. His last partner before me started off as a size 8-10 but she crept up to a 14 and he said that’s the reason he left her and if she hadn’t gained the weight he would likely still be with her now.

1. The house is only worth about 140k and there is 60k left of the mortgage

1. We have a spare room he can sleep in. He was trying to act last night like nothing had really happened.

There's no coming back from this, OP.

People who love you aren't this cruel.

Talk to a solicitor and start the ball rolling to free yourself.

Let’s say you do lose the weight even though you don’t need to, are you going to be able to maintain that weight for the rest of your life? Most peoples weight fluctuates and their body changes as they age.

You could lose the weight and he still doesn’t fancy you or if you happen to gain it back he won’t fancy you again. He’s a shallow twat!

I’m not convinced your weight is his issue, sounds like he wants an excuse to end the marriage for whatever reason.

Well I wouldn't rush to move out.

I don't think you can rescue your marriage because he is lying or has always lied 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Start living separately in the same house, as you have co-habited for a few years and then married then you are entitled to a share of marital assets (house/pension/car) may not be much but I would be fuming at the money spend on a wedding he is now ending and I wouldn't be rushing to move out to save his discomfort at ending the marriage.

Possibly gay, possible crush, possible affair, possible addicted to skinny girl porn.

He sounds awful OP. I wonder if once you are over the shock, you could try to view this as a lucky escape? That he's shown you his true colours now, and not years and years down the line.

And as others have said, your house is no longer just his house, it's your house too.

I'm sorry.

It's not your weight - you sound absolutely fine, BTW. Something else is going on. I'd text him about his offer of a flat, use lots of ? making sure he understands it's questions not agreement, then screenshot the exchange as you'll need it for evidence it was his idea.

You're married - if he wants to leave you, he'll need to split the assets, so make sure you get legal advice. Don't just in your shock move out.

Wow... I'm so sorry. What a horrible man. I have gained 6 stone since I got with my partner 14 years ago and not once has he ever commented on my weight. I often ask him and he says no matter what size I am he will always adore me. I'm so sorry. I would walk away from this marriage. He is disgusting

This is so awful, I can’t believe it. I just discussed with my husband and he is in shock! Awful. Leave that dickhead, I know it will be hard but you only live once and you will be much happier in years to come. There are much nicer people out there and you have your whole life ahead of you. I hope you’re ok and please make sure you’re eating. Sending you love xx

Am I the only one who is thinking mid-life crisis type thing?

I wonder if he has some single friends who appear to be living the dream, or one of his mates has suddenly gotten a new girlfriend who is absolutely stunning and model-esq. I think he sounds like external pressures are getting to him and he is sabotaging your relationship so he can 'fix' what he thinks is the problem.

Thing is, it's all very cruel and not fair on you at all. I'd move into the spare room until you can sell the marital home.

You do not have all the information.

The only weight you should lose is that 12 stone man. The truth will come out. Don’t diet and don’t believe anything he is saying.

Yesterday I was very upset and basically starved myself all day. He knew I wasn’t really eating and he just seemed relieved that I was starting to try and lose weight

This however, is awful awful behaviour. He should be supporting your health over anything