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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

999 replies

Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 11:25

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

OP posts:
Classica · 28/02/2022 11:38

I asked him why he has sex with me regularly and is always calling me beautiful etc if he only sees me as a friend. He said he just thought it was the nice thing to do as he cares about my happiness but deep down he never meant it

What a weasley prick. He never meant it when he told you were beautiful and that he loved you?

You're a young woman with your life ahead of you. Take legal advice and divorce this cruel man.

LittleOwl153 · 28/02/2022 11:38

Sadly you need to get rid. That's an awful thing for him to do. It means your marriage was in effect a lie. How dare he.

How long have you lived in the house/what have you contributed? I wouldn't walk away with nothing unless you've only just moved in 7 months ago and have never contributed anything.

You are worth so much more than him!

PatchworkElmer · 28/02/2022 11:38

It’d be over for me I’m afraid. Sorry.

NuffSaidSam · 28/02/2022 11:38

Has he hit his head?

If this isn't brain injury related I would end the relationship right now.

Googlecanthelpme · 28/02/2022 11:39

@Drawerofcrap

The weight is just an excuse to make him feel better about what he's doing.... he's just trying to justify treating you badly by saying he never fancied you, etc. Typical cheater's script, I think.
This yes.

When my ex was having an affair he invented issues out of nowhere.
None of them were about my body but stuff like “we want different things” “we’re toxic together” “you’ve stopped me doing the things I wanted to do”

NONE of it was true. It was all to justify what he was doing. He admitted it all years down the line. It was all bollocks, he just wanted to push me away without having to admit what he was really up to.

Either way, even if he’s not cheating - I would say leave the relationship. Let him crack on, you go and find someone who thinks you’re the sexist woman on the planet and enjoy your life being adored by an emotionally mature man.
You’re young with no kids, this will hurt but he could be doing you a favour - exactly as my ex did for me!

Debsdonein · 28/02/2022 11:40

I couldn't come back from that. The hurt will go and you will feel anger towards him. You deserve better.

TheDogsEyebrows · 28/02/2022 11:40

@Clymene

No I don't think you should make a big effort to lose weight. I would end it now.

And I would be very surprised if there isn't another woman. It's probably someone he works with

As so often happens - the first response nails it...
Needdoughnuts · 28/02/2022 11:40

Yep agree it's porn if there is no one else. Could he be confused about his own sexuality?

Hankunamatata · 28/02/2022 11:41

That's crushing op. I do wonder if its nothing to do with your weight or even you but its getting married and him suddenly thinking is this it or is there more to life almost like post wedding blues. Its much easier to blame you or your weight than for him to take a good hard look at his own feelings.
I like counselling, Iv found it helpful during marriage and even more helpful when we were both thinking of separating.

SeptemberAlexandra · 28/02/2022 11:41

I wouldn’t want to save my marriage in those circumstances. Leave and find someone who actually loves you.

CounsellorTroi · 28/02/2022 11:41

He has hurt and humiliated you. There is no way back. And I agree that there is more going on than meets the eye.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 28/02/2022 11:41

As a PP says, what next? You lose the weight and then it's that he doesn't like your hair style. Or your clothes. Or that you've aged.

The only thing I'd be losing would be him, and I'd be gaining a divorce solicitor to get a handle on your rights, position and next steps. How magnanimous of your husband to say you can stay in your marital home until you find somewhere else Hmm

Original poster
Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 11:41

That’s the thing - before Saturday there was never any indication anything was wrong. Lots of affectionate text messages from him, a lovely valentines card, tells me everyday how beautiful I am, has told me many times how I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he’s often discussing plans with me for our future etc. That’s why it seems so utterly shocking and heartbreaking.
Yesterday I was very upset and basically starved myself all day. He knew I wasn’t really eating and he just seemed relieved that I was starting to try and lose weight 😞
I feel like I should go and stay at my mum’s for a while. How humiliating to have to tell people that our seemingly happy marriage only lasted 7 months!

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 28/02/2022 11:41

You are the same person he met all those years ago. You have not changed, he has. He has moved the goal posts in your relationship in the most insensitive of ways. Really horrible behaviour.

I suspect that now that you are married, this is his way of testing your boundaries. Seeing how far he can push you to yield to his will.

I would push right back. I would simply tell him that you are the same as the day you got married. That he has changed and that you no longer like what you see. That you are considering ending the marriage.

Take back control. He doesn't get to make all the decisions.

Oldtiredfedup · 28/02/2022 11:42

There’s a woman that’s turned his head. Men almost NEVER uproot their nice little cozy situation (and marriage/partnership tends to benefit them more than it dies women) without have a ship lined up to jump to

blubberyboo · 28/02/2022 11:42

I’m sorry @Robinred81 that he’s made you feel like this. What a pig. You don’t need to lose weight at size 14 and at your height you won’t look overweight. This is a problem he has with himself either watching too many skinny models or something…not something for you to be ashamed of.

You will find it very difficult to trust his feelings going forward waiting for the next time for him to put you down. If you lost weight he still won’t be happy and start picking on other areas of your body to change if he gets away with it once. This is abusive controlling behaviour or certainly the beginning.
If you do decide to end you marriage you WILL be entitled to money out of the marital home as it is now a joint asset. More so if you lived there before marriage and earned a wage which bought groceries and bills.
Get a good solicitor and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t accept you exactly as you are unconditionally

WhoaretheMorgans · 28/02/2022 11:42

I know it's natural to want to believe him. But he's lying. Honestly, he would not have stayed with you or married you or continued to have a good sex life with you if he found you unattractive.

His head has been turned, he's trying to justify wanting to leave you and trying to make a decision as to whether to stay or not and what YOU can do to convince him.

The man you thought he was isn't there now. They change so fast when they've already checked out. I am really sorry.

lemmein · 28/02/2022 11:43

The cruelty of his words would end this for me, I couldn't go back to 'before', even if he apologised. Some things are just too hurtful to be forgotten.

I'm sorry OP Thanks

fuckoffImcounting · 28/02/2022 11:43

Either he has had his head turned or he is trying out his power now that he has you 'trapped' in marriage. See a solicitor, get your share of the house and dump this horrible man.

CagneyNYPD1 · 28/02/2022 11:43

Honestly, better 7 months than 7 years of this shit. He's a bully who is lying to you.

PickAChew · 28/02/2022 11:43

Lose weight for yourself, if you must, but you were somehow fine before. So he can get to fuck.

blubberyboo · 28/02/2022 11:43

If he mentions letting you stay there until you sort somewhere out then remind him that he will have to buy you out by increasing his mortgage or selling as you won’t be leaving with nothing.

tara66 · 28/02/2022 11:44

He seems a bit of a Jackal and Hyde - very strange and cruel behaviour.

Shoxfordian · 28/02/2022 11:45

He doesn’t really love you if he doesn’t love you as you are. Divorce him

hifidelityhi · 28/02/2022 11:45

@ImAvingOops

Tell him to move out while you think.
This