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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

999 replies

Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 11:25

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

OP posts:

Nidan2Sandan · 28/02/2022 11:46

I take it he is some kind of Adonis with a six pack like Chris Evan's?

I know it's easier said than done, but LTB. If he's basing the survival of your relationship solely on your ability to lose weight and presumably, stay that weight, then you'll never be happy or content.

Women get old, some of us get a bit flabby or put on a bit of weight. Our partners should not hold it against us.

It's okay not to be attracted to someone anymore, it happens. But that's his issue, not yours. Its unfair to put the fault of his lack of attraction squarely on your shoulders.

30mph · 28/02/2022 11:46

Stop having sex with him. Kick him out.

timeforteaforyouandme · 28/02/2022 11:46

Too much porn is my guess

Original poster

Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 11:46

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice 🤨. I have lived here 3 years and paid for the bills and food (he paid the mortgage and car).
After he sort of backtracked yesterday and said he did actually want to try and make our marriage work and he didn’t mean everything he said on Saturday other than thinking I’m overweight, he admitted that he does sometimes just think he’d be happier being alone and not being married. It’s almost like he’s trying to sabotage the relationship to get me to end things so he can be on his own again

OP posts:

Classica · 28/02/2022 11:47

How humiliating to have to tell people that our seemingly happy marriage only lasted 7 months!

I understand that feeling. But just hold your head high and prioritise your happiness over whatever the gossips might say.

Holothane · 28/02/2022 11:47

Lose two stone then I might find you attractive. Right he can jog on for a start I feel for you I really do.

PurBal · 28/02/2022 11:47

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone
He’s a dick. I’ve been in a similar situation (though not married) and that was the end. It was heartbreaking because it similarly came from nowhere. Big hugs.

TicTacHoh · 28/02/2022 11:47

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.

You'd be better losing all 14 stone of him.

Classica · 28/02/2022 11:47

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice

nope, nope nope.

Stay put and get legal advice.

AgathaX · 28/02/2022 11:47

He won't be happy if you do lose the weight. There'll be something else that's not right then - hair, not toned, face, teeth, whatever. This is all about him and not at all about you.

It's not humiliating to leave your marriage after 7 months. What would be humiliating would be to stay and allow him to do this to you.

GreenPepperRed · 28/02/2022 11:48

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone

Is this real? That's an atrocious statement. Imagine if you were to fall ill at some point and require his help. He's not even willing to stick around because of 2 stone! That's madness to me. I'm so sorry you've married someone who's saying things like this to you

traintraveller · 28/02/2022 11:48

I'd be seriouly considering ending things. If the house was his and you moved in don't automatically assume you'll be entitled to much after such a short marriage.

Sparkletastic · 28/02/2022 11:48

End it and get yourself a solicitor. I'm so sorry OP. What a vile excuse for a man. Tell your mum if you have a good relationship with her. Do you have a spare room he can move onto for the foreseeable?

EnglishMcSwedeFace · 28/02/2022 11:49

The only weight you need to lose is his.
Get a solicitor and end the marriage before he makes ever more ridiculous demands.

I'm so sorry he's suddenly pulled the rug from under you but I'm sure you can recover from this in time. You have no reason to feel embarrassed about your marriage ending so quickly, this is his fault not yours.

mistermagpie · 28/02/2022 11:49

Do not lose weight for this loser. It's not your weight anyway, you were the same size the whole time and even if you weren't, if he love you that wouldn't matter. I gained 4 stone after having my first child and my husband never mentioned it and still thought I was as beautiful as he always did. It's not your weight, it's something else and I don't believe the whole 'I just never realised I never loved you' business, that's bullshit.

I'd be convinced it was another woman but it doesn't sound possible, although it will be something.

Anyway, my first marriage ended after 18 months. At the time I was really embarrassed about it, like I was a total failure. This was a decade or so ago now and I never even think about it, I got married again to someone lovely and have three children with him, that first marriage is totally irrelevant. My point it, don't let feeling ashamed of a short marriage keep you in it. You are young and have a whole life to live that doesn't have to involve someone telling you to lose 2 stone (also, weirdly specific - what if you lost 1.5? Will he fancy you 75% then or something?) in order to be worthy of them.

It would be over for me. Move on before you waste anymore time on this man.

Velvian · 28/02/2022 11:49

See a solicitor before you agree to accept the scraps he is willing to throw you.

timeforteaforyouandme · 28/02/2022 11:51

I v rarely say LTB but you have no kids and are relatively young. What happens in 10 or 20y time?? Doesn't sound like someone you can rely on to get through tough times

scryingeyes · 28/02/2022 11:51

I couldn't forgive him for this. There is no way back.

Please don't stay with a man who thinks so little of you.

💐

HailAdrian · 28/02/2022 11:51

Tell him to go fuck himself, lose any weight you want to AFTER you've left him. Watch him come crawling back. Life's too short for this shit, you deserve better.

mummabubs · 28/02/2022 11:52

I'm so sorry he's been so cruel to you OP. I've been my DH a similar amount of time overall and he recently told me that since having our two DC he doesn't find me as attractive and wanted me to lose weight. (For the record I'm less than a stone heavier overall but my hips widening and the traditional left over skin has seen me go from a 10 to a 12, so like you I've hardly ballooned over the years). I also considered losing weight and even went to a couple of gym classes but all it did was made me feel more hurt and angry with him as truth be told I don't want to change my lifestyle and stop eating food that I enjoy just for him. It's caused a lot of friction in my marriage as my husband is now trying to backtrack what he said (saying that he still feels it but recognises he shouldn't have said anything to me(!)) but he can't understand how for me the damage is done and I don't feel confident or fancy being intimate with him right now.

Please don't lose weight just for your "D"H. If you want to do it for you then that's different but I sense it would be him driving the change. If your position was exactly like mine then I'd be inclined to say he's hurt you but maybe you can work through it with time. However the comments he's made to you about essentially having sex with you out of kindness and faking it all... Honestly I'm not sure I could ever forgive or get over that. It would completely change the way I saw him as a person. I think going to your mum's to stay is a good first step for a break and time to think, there is absolutely no shame in this and you haven't done anything wrong or to deserve his behaviour at all. Xx

Savvysix1984 · 28/02/2022 11:52

He's lying and using your appearance as an 'easy' excuse. I wouldn't waste another minute with him. You're worth so much more than that.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 28/02/2022 11:52

DO. NOT. MOVE. OUT.

If he wants to live alone, he can use his ‘generous’ offer and find a flat.

What a DICK. That’s made me angry on your behalf. His clothes would be out the fucking window.

BringMeTea · 28/02/2022 11:52

UM NO to the now move out quietly and fuck off... you are in shock. You need someone to confide in and a decent divorce solicitor. You can fall apart at some point but right now get busy.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/02/2022 11:52

I wonder if it's the reality of being married that has hit him. Until you were married he had an escape clause - I'll stay in this relationship but if something else turns up I can always leave. Now it's not so simple, he's made a formal long term commitment. He's made his choice and now he's second guessing it and trying to turn you into the imaginary perfect wife in his head?

GreenPepperRed · 28/02/2022 11:52

Just seen this too

Yesterday I was very upset and basically starved myself all day. He knew I wasn’t really eating and he just seemed relieved that I was starting to try and lose weight 😞

If this is real please run run run run. Don't let him spiral you into an eating disorder.

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