Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

I asked him why he has sex with me regularly and is always calling me beautiful etc if he only sees me as a friend. He said he just thought it was the nice thing to do

Absolute bollocks can you imagine any man having sex twice a week wtih someone and marrying them because they wanted to 'be nice.'

Don't let him take your power. I very much doubt this is about weight.

Definitely stay put and seek legal advice. Don't let him near you.

Have you told your mum?

Your weight may not be his ideal perfect (i am exactly the same as you 5'7 size 14 so that isn't criticism by the way!), but it has always been good enough until now, so what is new? I (like others) suspect something more is going on. The obvious cheating questions, but also i saw someone else mention sexuality - has that ever cropped up? Other one is could he have had a change of heart about having children? I just don't think the weight thing alone makes sense.

What a fucking charmer.

I’d tell him I wasn’t going to be dieting but we were going to be going to couples counselling. Get in touch with Relate.

Don’t feel you should take any shame or blame on yourself if this marriage doesn’t work out. He hasn’t humiliated you, he’s humiliated himself.

Unfortunately for him, when he married you he entered into a financial contract with you. Everything is a marital asset. He can't just give you a deposit for somewhere and say goodbye.
I agree with other posters. Something else is going on, either another woman or even a man.
Your first step is to see a solicitor and see what your legal rights are

What an absolute arsehole. There is no coming back from what he’s said. Do not let him backtrack, OP. These are incredibly hurtful, unforgettable things that he has said to you.
Love should not be conditional depending on weight or other factors, you deserve someone that loves you for YOU - no conditions attached. You sound like you are a lovely person. Get rid of him immediately.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Show him the door.

Wow what a pig. No the only weight you need to lose is him. And agree, there's something else going on, but you'll drive yourself mad if you start to focus on that.

If I was you I'd tell him the marriage is over - after getting legal advice of course - and take it from there.

Good luck, you must be so hurt and shocked.

Unspeakable little shit!

And I agree with PP that he is lying - of course he fancied you and thought you were beautiful right up until the moment he had his head turned. Im so sorry. You will lose weight because of the shock = 'divorce diet'. Id want to smack him in the teeth for thinking that he's influenced you to lose weight just for him. Dont let him ever set sight on even an inch of your bare flesh ever again! You enjoy your weight loss if that is what you want but he does not deserve to even breathe the same air as you. What a immature shitty little loser. I can imagine the pain youre going through and I feel for you. x

He said he just thought it was the nice thing to do as he cares about my happiness but deep down he never meant it

There is no way I could stay with anyone who said that to me. It would be like having a bucket of cold water poured on me. Instant end of the relationship.

It does sound like he has met somebody else, but the other option could just be cold feet - one of DH’s friends broke off his engagement a couple of weeks before the wedding, again saying he’d never really fancied her. He had, he just realised he didn’t want to get married and rationalised it by pretending it was all down to her.

He is still not married 15 years later, “never met the right woman” - lots of 3-5 year relationships, bails out when they get serious.

So I take it he's a ripped Magic Mike candidate?

Before deciding to end things, speak to a solicitor about what your entitlements are re the house. Stuff a deposit and first month's rent if you've been paying bills and he's paid his mortgage.

That is the most crap bullshit to throw at someone. Lose 2 stone - yeah fuck the hell off!

Please see a solicitor. It isn’t as simple as “he paid the mortgage” if you were paying the bills and food on your own, you’ve both contributed financially and you are married so you will have a claim for equity in the house, so you will have to sell, or him find the money to buy you out if he wants to stay put in there.

What a charmer. Guess he looks like a missing Hemsworth brother?

Don't stick round with this loser, get some decent legal advice, take what's yours and not a penny less and I'd be making sure every one knew what a prick he was.

What a PRICK~!!! Spouses are allowed to mention weight if they are genuinely worried about their spouses health but your weight/ size doesn't sound unhealthy, and he didn't say he was worried about your health.

I don't really know what to say. I would also be really hurt. Can you kick him into the spare room/ couch? I would be tempted to go to your mums, but maybe that isn't a good idea with getting back into the house so I don't know.

What a disgusting way to behave. I'd leave immediately OP. Watch him move someone else in once you've gone. I'd put good money on there being someone else. I know you say he couldn't be cheating but I would be very suspicious.

Oh tell him to shove the two stone up his arse.

He is definitely up to something, and if it's not at work and he's not out much, then it's online.

@Robinred81

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice 🤨. I have lived here 3 years and paid for the bills and food (he paid the mortgage and car). After he sort of backtracked yesterday and said he did actually want to try and make our marriage work and he didn’t mean everything he said on Saturday other than thinking I’m overweight, he admitted that he does sometimes just think he’d be happier being alone and not being married. It’s almost like he’s trying to sabotage the relationship to get me to end things so he can be on his own again

I absolutely do not believe your weight is his issue. He would absolutely not have had a six-year relationship with you, married you and been all over you physically if he had a problem with your weight.

I definitely think there is something else going on. Either he is suddenly wondering if marriage is for him at all, or he has met someone else, or there is something else he’s not telling you. God only knows what’s going on in his head, but I think his sudden issue with your weight is total bullshit to be honest.

OP take a day off work, go to see a solicitor and then go to speak to a therapist, then have a nice lunch with chocolate cake. Keep your powder dry and tell him none of this. When armed with facts decide the best course of action for you. In case you need a hint the best course is leaving and taking him for everything you can get your hands on.

Life is too short to be treated like this, you may feel embarrassed now that a short marriage is ending but that is better than looking back with regret for staying and letting him treat you like this.

I am not one to get all "shershay la fam" the second a man expresses dissatisfaction, but in this circumstance... I'm sorry, there is someone else in his mind, if not necessarily yet a full-blown affair. There is always a way, if someone wants to find one.

I don't see any way your marriage can come back from this. Take advice and take care of yourself.

What a dick! Been with you for years and your weight is suddenly an issue? Must be something else going on

@Robinred81

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice 🤨. I have lived here 3 years and paid for the bills and food (he paid the mortgage and car). After he sort of backtracked yesterday and said he did actually want to try and make our marriage work and he didn’t mean everything he said on Saturday other than thinking I’m overweight, he admitted that he does sometimes just think he’d be happier being alone and not being married. It’s almost like he’s trying to sabotage the relationship to get me to end things so he can be on his own again

Lol what a fucking joker. You're married, so guess what? It's your house too! 😂 another tosser who doesn't understand what getting married means.

Collect your paperwork and make copies. Take everything to a solicitor this week.

Take him for everything possible and start a new life. Fuck him.

My guess. He's gay.

The whole weight thing is nonsense.

Wow. Yeah, just leave. Immediately. Don't hang around legitimising anything that he's said. He's utterly fucked it and needs to realise that asap.

I know so many people who have been together for years and years and whose relationship crumbles almost as soon as they get married. Have no idea why that is.

OP I used to have a BF who would tell me I was beautiful, and one day when I asked him if he really thought I was beautiful he said “no, but I thought it was the right thing to say.” I was only 17 and naive at the time so I bloody stayed with him. But he became more and more possessive and controlling and eventually the relationship ended when he hit me. I slapped him back and that was the end. All the more vindicated because he hit me in front of one of my best friends who threatened to beat the shit out of him if he ever raised his hand to anyone again.

I absolutely wouldn’t stay with him. What does it matter if you’re the one who ends the marriage, you don’t have to keep quiet about why you’ve ended it, either way he’s not going to come out of this smelling of roses.

You do need legal advice though. As you’ve only been together a short time you’re unlikely to be entitled to a huge amount out of the house, but you do need to see someone with legal experience who can go through this with you.