Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

I had this with a boyfriend once after 3 years together- I was a size 14 and he said he didn't fancy me.

I lost 2 stone. I actually wanted to do it si it wasn't for him. Of course, when I was slim he didn't like that either and I found out when we finally split up.that he had had numerous flings throughout our relationship.

I suggest u ask him to put on the 2stone worth of muscle as he's too weedy for you

There is absolutely nowhere to go from this, OP. Talk to someone you trust in RL for support with the practicalities of leaving.

I’m so sorry.

Your husband is a massive dick!!

He best be looking like some Chris hemsworth/Channing Tatum/Jason Mamoa super fit gorgeous super hybrid man to be throwing shade at you like that and I bet he doesn't!!

However no man in their right mind would ever say that to a woman they truly loved and there lies your answer!! Drop this sack of shit!!

This is awful. He’s awful. This is absolutely not about your weight and how DARE he suggest that it is.

I’m sorry, but I can’t see how there’s any coming back from this. Even if he pretends it was a mistake you can never fully trust him again. You’d never be able to have a slice of cake without worrying he was going to divorce you.

Take your time. You’ll need to get your head round this first. DO NOT MOVE OUT. This is now 50% your owned house and he can’t just boot you out with a month’s rent like he’s doing you a favour.

Whatever his problem is, whether it is an affair, a grump or he’s just a knob, is irrelevant for now.

Bide your time until you’re ready to believe it’s over. But do not go anywhere. Marriage gives you legal protection and you owe HIM nothing.

Do you work op?

When he saw how upset I was he backtracked a bit and said he did want to try and make our marriage work and he does think i need to lose weight but he didn’t mean all the other stuff he said. I’ve never felt so confused

He's backtracking because HE IS MAKING IT UP as he goes along. If he truly felt this way he wouldn't backtrack. He's blatantly saying this to cover up what's really going on.

On a fundamental level he is lying. Either about this or that he has married you under false pretences. I couldn't stay with someone who lied.

Like a couple of PPs this makes me wonder about his sexuality. Do you think he could be gay or bi, OP?

@Sugarplumfairy65

Unfortunately for him, when he married you he entered into a financial contract with you. Everything is a marital asset. He can't just give you a deposit for somewhere and say goodbye. I agree with other posters. Something else is going on, either another woman or even a man. Your first step is to see a solicitor and see what your legal rights are

The legal thing. In theory but it's a very short marriage so in reality that won't mean very much, certainly if the house was in his name and he can prove he was paying the mortgage. Also you can't get divorced until you've been married 12 months. That said, seek legal advice to see where you stand but prepare yourself and listern carefully to what they say.

What a horrid shock.
Marriages after long term relationships can often go awry- with men..Maybe they feel trapped?

Lose 12 stones fast.
HIM.

I'd put money on there being someone else, what he's saying is a cliche, maybe not a physical affair but could be something like flirtatious messages via teams with someone in work, either in another branch as you said he works with all men or he could be gay.

Tell him you don't like his receding hairline and tell him to get hair transplant 🤣🤣

Tell him he is so fat and ugly and hideous and revolting, that you cant consider it.

I say that in rage. Seriously 5ft7 and size 14 is more than fine. I am an 18 and my husband says I am gorgeous the way I am. I am quite curvy and I would love to to back down to a 14 again but its not the end of the world. I used to put myself down for my mummy tummy and cellulite but he compliments me and says I still look great after pushing out 5 kids. That's what you need, someone to lift you up. Not shut you down.
Tell him to shove off.

What a pig.

Sorry, op. You deserve way better. Who the hell gives their wife a deadline to lose weight into seeing he will fancy you again.

Tell him he can shove his ultimate up his nose and you go marry someone who sees you as the beautiful person you are, inside and out. You are still young, op. You can find someone else. I wish you nothing but the best

It's not about losing two stones now though, is it? Even if it worked (which I highly doubt) you'd have to be constantly watching your weight for the rest of your life.

Unlike most, I'm not convinced by the affair thing. It does seem that he's found that marriage doesn't work for him and he wants to be alone.

What an unbelievably hurtful thing to say to you. I’m so sorry. Most people here are telling you to leave him and I have to say that was also my initial feeling as it is a very hard thing to forget and get over. Normally love is not dependent on a couple of stone so I feel there must be something else going on. People often latch on to something easy and obvious as a reason for feeling unhappy with a situation, but that is often not the real reason.
So before packing your bags (or telling him to pack his), I would definitely try sone kind of couple’s counselling. It might help save your marriage or it might make you realise this is not a man you want to be with, but it will hopefully help you (both) get to the truth.

He’s at work right now so I’m fascinated to see how he’ll behave when he gets home. If he’ll be trying to act like nothing has really happened or if he’ll be moody and saying he wants to go ahead with splitting up.
Part of me feels like I’d don’t want us to break up as, like I said earlier, our relationship really did seem very happy before Saturday and he’s always been very loving towards me.
He told me on Saturday he’s had all of this at the back of his mind for a couple of years at least though.
He said to me yesterday that he does want to give our marriage a try as I’m his best friend and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself.
It’s as if he’s had a complete personality transplant this weekend and is having some sort of mental breakdown. He seemed happy and cheerful up until Saturday

OP! Learn this phrase - "Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and then fuck off some more!"

Like hell has he been shagging you three times a week for years and never felt attracted to you. He's met someone else and is rewriting history to make you the bad guy.

Get legal and financial advice. Don't accept any offer from him until you are sure it's fair and right for you.

Do not diet. Wait until you are free of him before changing your lifestyle at all. You'll be in a better position then to make sensible decisions.

It won't feel like it for a while but it's actually good this is happening now, rather than in ten years time. In eighteen months you'll be free of him and still be a young woman. Grab your chance of freedom - your would-be jailer doesn't know he's left the key in the door. Exit and rejoice!

I am so sorry for how you must be feeling right now, but please please, regardless of how you think this may pan out - get legal advice straight away. And before you speak to that solicitor, get yourself a bit worked up that he’s cheating on you and trying to screw you over. If you are in a heightened emotional state when you get the legal advice, in shock, still in love, as I’m sure you are right now, firstly you won’t really take it all in so take notes and ask them to repeat things until you fully understand, but more importantly you’ll also be trying to see it from his side, trying to be fair and not hurt him. If in 6/12 months time you find out that he has actually completely screwed you over, you’ll regret being thoughtful of his feelings. The fact he’s mentioned paying a deposit and rent suggests to me he’s already trying it on with you. After you’ve got the legal advice if you want to go back to feeling like there’s a chance to salvage, then do so, but when you get that advice you need the straight/brutal facts of what you are entitled to.
Sending a massive hug x

Possibly gay

I hadn't thought about that, but it would also make sense.

Fuck off, Not a chance, you deserve better.

Hows he looking did he manage to hold back time?

I do also feel that if I stay with him I’ll be permanently insecure just waiting for him to try and end things again. I’ll never feel relaxed and secure in the relationship anymore and that’s obviously extremely unhealthy

Sorry, this has happened. Please don’t let him make you feel inadequate ( him trying to deflect his guilt).

He’s told you what he thinks an you must listen to him. Sadly it’s his choice to leave. Do it now and waste no more time on him.

He’s cheating or planning to.
Get legal advice.

His story makes no sense, given you have always been the same weight. Even if his story did stack up (i.e. recently weight gain) he has been unspeakably cruel. However, this is quite clearly an attempt to:

• put you on the back foot
• distract you from what's really going on

He wants to blame you for the fact he wants to leave the marriage. He has chosen something so that if you refuse to do it, he can say 'you weren't prepared to make any changes for me'. Whereas in fact he isn't prepared to stay married to the exact person he agreed to marry only 7 months ago.

It's time to share this with real life friends, although don't get started on the wine until you've eaten something!

I would be losing a husband rather than weight.
To effectively be told that you've spent years living a lie must be devastating. I can't see that there's any way past that.