Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

He sounds like a very weak person. Someone who just keeps making the easy choice to not rock the boat and have a nice life, but can't be really honest or intimate because of that.

That won't change, in my experience.

Loose the weight. Get in the best shape ever. Like a revenge body. and then leave the sucker haha

@BobHadBitchTits

Why can't I filter by OP's posts anymore?!

I'm having the same trouble. I'm wondering if it means the OP has deregistered.

If you're lurking, I hope you're ok @Robinred81

He's a wanker.
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
On a practical note: ffs don't accept any offer of/agreement on ££.
See a solicitor for proper advice.
Best of luck. What a horrible shock

Op please talk to your family and friends.

@Robinred81

I feel like I’ll struggle to ever date anyone again. How can I ever trust a man again when my whole 6 year relationship has apparently been total bullshit?! I will post here later to let you know how he’s behaving when he’s home. I think he believes we’re just going to pretend nothings happened and I’ll lose the weight and he’ll decide in the summer if I’m sexy enough or not for him yet. Honest to god I could never have foreseen this happening as even though there have been a few red flags here or there we have, on the whole, had a happy relationship. As for him never giving me oral I’ve asked him many times about it and he said he just doesn’t find oral sex a turn on (me giving it to him included) but he’s now saying it’s because I’m fat so he didn’t want to do it to me 😐. And to the pp who said I’m a wet lettuce and being pathetic - yes I have been bullied before and been in bad relationships before too. I obviously just draw horrible people to me for some reason. I have anxiety so I know I’m being a pushover but I’m trying really hard not to be now as I can’t see how we can possibly be happy together again

The words he has said to you clearly aren't true, as you said he was always very into it and was all over you. That just wouldn't have been the case if he wasn't attracted to you.

But I suggest you go for therapy as soon as possible to try to limit the damage that his words could cause to you (in spite of the opposite being true). Women get haunted by words said to them by someone they loved (that weren't true)....and you don't want to let these words harm you further and definitely not in the future.

Those words will probably go around and around in your head and you might find yourself ruminating about them or worrying about them when the time comes when you do want to date again, so try to get some therapy now to equip yourself with the tools to stop yourself torturing yourself with those words in the future!

Sorry you're going through this

@EarthSight
OP, sometimes the reason why men are into to skinny women is because what they actually want is a skinny teenanger.......not an adult woman :/

This is a disgusting comment. I am naturally thin and I am a real WOMAN FYI. You might be insecure about your size, but you should never body shame other women and basically call men predators for having a slim dw/gf.

We’ve had a massive conversation and he’s admitted even if I lose the weight he’s just not feeling a spark with me and just sees me as a friend no matter how hard he tries to pretend otherwise.

He’s the lowest of the low.
Instead of just saying that, he acted like a coward and tried to make you feel so disgusted with yourself and that you weren’t good enough for him.

At least he’s finally told you the truth I guess!

I could never forgive him for this.
He’s hoping if you do split you won’t get with anyone else because you have no self esteem left.

Get rid ASAP!! And don’t give him the satisfaction of acting upset or begging for him to change his mind.

I’ve been awake since 1am as I’ve felt too wired and upset to sleep after everything that’s happened. He was sleeping in the spare room and he’s just come into our room before he goes to work and told me he does actually really love me and we will make things work. I just lay there in silence in the dark pretending to be asleep. He’s gone to work now and I’ll go to my mum’s in a few hours to speak to her as I can’t cope with anymore of these mind games. I’m finding the whole situation really mentally abusive.

That is because it is .

Even if there is a chance he is as confused as you are now it doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. He is a grown man who could ask for support if he needed it.

Say nothing to him and go to your mums. Just make sure you take anything precious and paperwork with you. He can't be trusted. He isn't your best friend or on your side any more.

OP please don't starve yourself that will only make you put more weight on later and then your self esteem will get worse. Eat healthy, stay strong and dump that idiot, oh and get your share of the house.

Go talk to you mum and tell her everything. It sounds like he's panicking now its actually going to happen. Book to see a solicitor and see what you could get, not just his offer.

It is mentally abusive - how many times has he said/done one thing then said/done the opposite!

Saying he doesn’t find you physically attractive - then having sex with you.

Telling you he definitely wants a divorce - then saying he wants to make things work.

He is not a nice person.
I’m just glad you can see that’s it’s not normal.

Don't even consider trying to lose weight fir him and to keep your marriage alive. You will be living in fear of gaining a pound for the rest of your life and will develop a very unhealthy relationship with food. What message would that send out to your children. Is he perfect in every way?

This relationship is over - stop trying to hang on to it. He is trying to tell you that, but he’s also trying to come out the good guy and stay friends ( yes he’s doing a really shit job.)

he tells you he wants to end it, you cry, he backtracks. This could go on forever , he wants out but doesn’t hate you enough to just walk away.

Had a guy pull the I love you but I'm not in love with you bullshit. I kicked him out on the spot. Hardest thing I ever had to do and it broke my heart. Still have the breakup shoes I bought that weekend.

My way of coping was to think about something I really wanted to do and do it the following weekend. Mine was horse riding. I was so excited the night before that I couldn't sleep. I've kept up riding for the last 20 years now.

It's awful. It hurts so much, but you will get through it.

I’d ask him to move out for a bit. If necessary ask your mum to come and stay. He’s being vile and you don’t have to facilitate it. It’s not going to be worked out because you don’t want a friend you want a husband. He needs to understand that he isn’t welcome in your life any more. Move ALL his belongings into the spare room and buy a door wedge so you can lock your door at night. Instruct a solicitor and start planning your life going forward. Those plans will change but it will give you something to focus on.
You will be fine.
Have you ever spoken to any of his exes? He may have done this before.

I really hope you act in your own best interests OP. He is being very abusive. Could he be struggling with his sexual identity? Nothing excuses his behaviour. You will never feel happy or confident in this relationship.

In a previous relationship my ex cheated on me. I’m finding this current situation more upsetting to go through as at least my ex was upfront about what happened and we just went our separate ways. All this back and forth manipulative mind games from my husband is making me ill. He has destroyed my self esteem with the awful things he said about the way I look and I know I’d never be able to feel secure in the relationship again. I’d always be frightened of him trying to end things out the blue again or that he thinks I’m fat and unattractive. It’s toxic and I know it definitely needs to end now. Thanks again for all of your advice, comforting words and guidance. It has been so incredibly helpful to give me clarity

I asked him about his sexual identity last night and he said the very idea is laughable and I should know him well enough that it would never be the case. I suppose if it’s true he’s not going to be open about it anytime soon though. He said he’s been struggling with the idea he just doesn’t want a relationship with anyone so he tired to sabotage as he felt panicked and confused. He is backtracking completely now and saying he didn’t mean anything he said and he does want to be with me - I don’t see how someone can say such hurtful things to someone if there’s zero truth to any of it. I’m sure he meant most of what he said and he’s now just scared of shit really hitting the fan with our families finding out and all the stress and expense that a divorce will create

Please do start a new thread when this one is full if you've found the support helpful and we can continue to help you through this. I'm so sorry, he is being unbelievably cruel playing these mind games

Just read through this thread and couldn't not reply.
You sound so lovely @Robinred81 . You deserve so much more and to be happy.

Speak to your Mum. Let her look after you and support you.

I wish you much luck and strength for the future.

X

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. I hope you are doing okay. Please make sure you tell your mum everything that has happened. She will want to support you so she needs to know the full story.

He is being very cruel.

I can't believe he thinks that he is the one calling all the shots and you're supposed to be grateful.

The way he is playing with your emotions, he is definitely getting off on it. Sick fucker.

Go and get lots of hugs and have a good cry to your mum x