Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 28/02/2022 11:27

Also if they are as bad with money as you suggest - she will bleed you dry by sharing a house. No way!

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 28/02/2022 11:29

@Migrainesbythedozen

I'm hoping it won't happen

Excuse me? OP, please, I don't mean to be harsh, but wtf is wrong with you? I WON'T HAPPEN because you SAY it won't happen! Grow up, be an adult, and tell her your husband didn't ask you and you're sorry but it won't be happening. Put on your big woman pants, tell your husband he had no right to invite another person to live in your house without asking you, that if she moves in, you are moving out. Then tell her she can't move in.

It really is that simple. Be an adult and say NO!!.

Jesus christ this site pisses me off lately. So many women won't adult and just roll over. You just say NO! It really is that simple OP. It is that fucking simple!

I wasn't going to put it like this 😂 but it sums up exactly what i was thinking. Your DH has absolutely no right inviting his DM to live with you, especially as it's long term not just a few days/weeks. How rude of him and your MIL should have told him to speak to you about it and say she understands if it's not ok. Just say NO!!!!! Don't be a pushover!
SlightlyJaded · 28/02/2022 11:34

I PROMISE you that if you let this happen your marriage will end. Very quickly the resentment will build and for a while you will silently seethe and then, before you know it, you and DH will be arguing about her All. The. Time.

I would already be raging at him, but he has an opportunity to 'see sense' and put a stop to this now. Make sure he takes it.

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/02/2022 11:37

@Motherofgorgons You don't think that culture needs to change? It clearly does imo. Time for you to be that change.

downtonabbeyfan1234 · 28/02/2022 11:38

YABU. In many cultures it's perfectly normal for the elderly to live with their adult children. She's his mother and your DH wants to help her out.

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/02/2022 11:40

@Motherofgorgons I have deduced this from her name but I could be wrong. I am not saying she should do any eldercare. Just that it may be more complex than just saying no.
My own DH and I have decided that we will take care of my mum in our home ( because she is easy to live with) and his sister will take care of his mum ( who helps with childcare) while he makes long visits to give her a break. But we hope that neither will be going into a home. Obviously most people can't do this and should not be expected to.

Whatever happened to your mother/the women learning to live on their own two feet? This is 2022, I could understand it if it was the mid 1900s. Some elements of some culture truly need to change/be stopped.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 28/02/2022 11:41

No no no no! Just - no!

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/02/2022 11:42

@downtonabbeyfan1234

YABU. In many cultures it's perfectly normal for the elderly to live with their adult children. She's his mother and your DH wants to help her out.
@downtonabbeyfan1234 OP is not being unreasonable to want to be consulted on a lifechanging decision, YABU. Just because it's culture doesn't make it right. And the fact this came out of the blue and OP never thought it would happen shows this isn't part of her culture anyway. Even if it was, someone needs to break the cycle and end it.
downtonabbeyfan1234 · 28/02/2022 11:44

Okay talk about it etc. Why is adult children taking care of their elderly relatives such a bad thing?

shssandhr · 28/02/2022 11:46

Your DH should have discussed this with you before telling her she could move in.
But I can see both sides here as no one would want their own mother to be in a dire situation in old age. So I can understand DH wanting to ensure she has somewhere to live and coming up with the idea to move in with you.
And I can absolutely understand you not wanting her to move in as you'll most likely end up doing most of the care if she becomes ill and immobile.
If your DH had discussed it with you then the pair of you might have been able to come up with a better solution.

But as he has chosen not to discuss it with you I'd be telling him it is not happening and I'd be making plans to move out if she moves in. So he can take that information and decide what to do about it.

But

Babyvenusplant · 28/02/2022 11:48

I would rather leave dh and live alone than live the next 20 odd years with mil

Yanbu at all!!

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/02/2022 11:49

@downtonabbeyfan1234

Okay talk about it etc. Why is adult children taking care of their elderly relatives such a bad thing?
@downtonabbeyfan1234 Read the OP's posts, the OP's MIL isn't elderly, she simply squanders money and has no savings because they are irresponsible with money, and is looking for free accommodation. She is being a CFer and a bludger. Why should the OP have to pay for the fact her MIL is irresponsible and a waster? And why should the 'little wife' have to be 'told' this is happening with no consultation whatsoever? It's her house and her life and her DCs life that will be impacted because her MIL is a grifter and her husband has no respect for her. No self-respecting woman of 2022 would allow this to happen.
Needdoughnuts · 28/02/2022 11:52

Lol. He's having a laugh isn't he? He's going to be looking after her until she dies, doing personal care and getting more and more tied down as she gets frailer. Or did he expect you to do most of the work? Either way, it's your house as well and the decision was made without you. What a catch of a partner! Agree with others it's you or her. Maybe he could move in with them and care for them at their house. GrinSounds the best option to me.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/02/2022 11:53

I'd be really annoyed that he offered that to her without talking to you about it first, that's so disrespectful.

lapasion · 28/02/2022 11:53

@downtonabbeyfan1234

YABU. In many cultures it's perfectly normal for the elderly to live with their adult children. She's his mother and your DH wants to help her out.
Well we don’t live in one of those cultures. And I’m guessing in those cultures, it’s not the men who are wiping arses and trying to take care of an elderly person as they decline physically and mentally.
downtonabbeyfan1234 · 28/02/2022 11:53

I'm looking at it from the husbands view. It's his mum, the woman who raised him. Ok yes it's very U OP was not told or consulted.

If your mum was in trouble would you not help?

In many cultures it's normal to have multiple generations living together. Helps share costs etc.

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/02/2022 11:58

@downtonabbeyfan1234

I'm looking at it from the husbands view. It's his mum, the woman who raised him. Ok yes it's very U OP was not told or consulted.

If your mum was in trouble would you not help?

In many cultures it's normal to have multiple generations living together. Helps share costs etc.

@downtonabbeyfan1234 I'm looking at it from the husbands view.

And that's the problem! Why aren't you looking at it from the WIFE'S point of view??? After all, she is the one that will be cooking, cleaning, wiping the MIL's arse. She is the one who will have her life impacted! Her husband won't lift a finger! And yes, it may be normal in many 'cultures' (so is FGM) that doesn't make it right. And it should not be supported or encouraged. It's clearly not OPs culture, or the culture of most of us. And the OP doesn't want her life changed because DH's mother is a user and bludger. Time his mother took responsibility for herself instead of going through life bludging off everyone else.

CallyfromBlakes7 · 28/02/2022 12:02

My mum had this. She told my father there was no way my grandmother was moving in. She (my mum) was all the bitches in creation, but grandmother went into a home. We had a two bedroom bungalow at the time so there really wasn't room and I was at university so hadn't moved out properly.

Just say no.

midlifecrash · 28/02/2022 12:02

So he has invited her, without asking you. Probably thinking if she comes to need care, you will do it, and that will make him feel generous and caring.

I would kill him.

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 12:04

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]**@Motherofgorgons* I have deduced this from her name but I could be wrong. I am not saying she should do any eldercare. Just that it may be more complex than just saying no.
My own DH and I have decided that we will take care of my mum in our home ( because she is easy to live with) and his sister will take care of his mum ( who helps with childcare) while he makes long visits to give her a break. But we hope that neither will be going into a home. Obviously most people can't do this and should not be expected to.*

Whatever happened to your mother/the women learning to live on their own two feet? This is 2022, I could understand it if it was the mid 1900s. Some elements of some culture truly need to change/be stopped.[/quote]
She is in her mid 70s and lives alone now and does everything on her own- on the internet- which she has learnt to do in the pandemic. I am talking about when she is in her 80s or if she has some kind of sudden illness and can't live alone. We are lucky to have room for her, which OP likely does not. It is probably relevant that she is very good company, and was a fantastic mother, going above and beyond to help me out in every life crisis.

My mother-in-law could not manage to live alone as she is not educated and can barely read English. There are still women in 2022 who did not have the benefit of an education. I have to admit that if I had to live with my MIL, I couldn't manage it because she is a very difficult woman. But my sister in law likes to live with her and they help each other out. Cultures are different.

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 12:06

Oh multi-generational living is not the same as FGM, for god's sake. One of the reasons why my SIL happily lives with my MIL is because my SIL is a busy doctor working odd hours and my MIL helps with childcare., cooking, cleaning and so forth.

Obviously this does not apply to the OP, but the black and white attitudes on this thread are a bit OTT.

Abracadabra12345 · 28/02/2022 12:06

@autienotnaughty

Also my kids came back loads when they were at uni and moved home after til could afford not to. I would say sorry but no.
Same here.
Pluvia · 28/02/2022 12:08

I'd text her back saying 'Apparently DH said you could come and live with us. He was trying to be kind but he didn't discuss it with me and had no right to make such an offer. The arrangement he's offered doesn't suit me. If you want to leave your husband we'll help you do that — but you're not moving in with us.'

If she's experiencing domestic violence/ coercive control then she needs to speak to the council, tell them that she needs to leave, and ask for help. They may be able to find her a place in some kind of sheltered housing. Otherwise she can divorce her husband and then, as a single elderly person with no assets, apply for housing.

I would be having very strong words with my partner if they, without any discussion, made this kind of offer. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and indicates a worrying lack of respect for you. Good luck.

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/02/2022 12:10

@Motherofgorgons That's good that it works for your family then. OP's situation seems very different.

downtonabbeyfan1234 · 28/02/2022 12:14

Re-read OPs posts. Yeah I was in the wrong.

But I don't think the entire concept of living with elderly relatives is all that bad. Especially if they help with child care.... but that IS NOT the case here.