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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
DaphneduM · 28/02/2022 10:01

@worriedatthemoment Somerset!

titchy · 28/02/2022 10:02

Why can't she move into sheltered housing for the over 60's? There aren't usually long waiting lists for these in most areas. One phone call and an application. Job done.

GoogleWhacked · 28/02/2022 10:04

😲 I'd be telling DH either your mother lives here or me!

Lobelia123 · 28/02/2022 10:06

It sounds like your husband has been conditioned all his life into stepping in and helping out when his parents run their lives and finances into a ditch. He's getting a lot of flak from posters on here, and righty so as he should never have made such a momentous and life changing offer without talking it through with you first, but remember he's been trained all his life to be the stand in parent, taking charge in this weird kind of reversed dynamic where the parents are frivolous and helpless and have to be saved from the consequences of their own impulse driven and irresponsible choices. That's some powerful black magic right there!!!

Having said that, now is definately the time to bring the gravy train to a screeching halt. This is probably your last chance to stop this destructive dynamic. Think very long and hard on this point. Look at your future. If she moves in, that reversed relationship will be entrenched forever. You will be her nanny, parent, ATM and caregiver for the next 20 years. That sounds like a life sentence of misery to me. You can stop it now by standing up for yourself and your husband and children by saying no and meaning it. There may be other options for her, but staying with you is not one of them. It may be that her only option is to stay with her husband. Well that sucks but thats also a direct consequence of decisions shes made in the past with reckless spending. Time be an adult and face life for once. You sound like a lovely person and these kind of 'tough' thoughts are probably very alien to your nature, but you will need to think them, say them and more importantly stick to them and carry them through!!

worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 10:08

@DaphneduM im also somerset and you cannot get a council well ha house here if you own property
And why should you ?
I would be surprised if they are aware, your not entitled to a ha/ council house of you have a property

worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 10:10

@titchy what makes you think there are not long lists , they don't have unlimited council sheltered housing schemes , they do come up but each area will be very different on whats availible

MrMrsJones · 28/02/2022 10:12

I'd be saying that if DH's mother moves in, he would be responsible for all of her care, while you will be off enjoying yourself.

Better still, say no chance

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/02/2022 10:12

@Thehop

“Woah, I’m sorry Maureen but I think there’s been a misunderstanding. Stephenson room won’t be empty, he isn’t moving out he’s just going to university. He’ll be back a few months at a stretch for summer not to mention the other breaks he gets. I’m afraid living here isn’t an option I’m sorry dh didn’t think before he said that. I’m sure he’ll be happy to look into other options with you if you want him to?”
Perfect response.

Uk universities usually teach for 36 weeks a year. That leaves 16 weeks (or 4 months) of boomerang kids. Plus weekend visits etc.

You don’t have a spare room. You have a child who is still using his room.

But I want to be clear - Even if you do have a spare room, you would not be unreasonable to say no.

DaphneduM · 28/02/2022 10:13

@worriedatthemoment Obviously I don't know if they were economical with the actualite - but I can assure you it happened - of course I absolutely don't agree with it either - but there you go. Some people are very fly at getting round the system. As others have said, there's not much demand for old people's flats in certain places, so maybe that was how they got one.

worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 10:16

I don't think your dh is wrong for inviting his mother to stay to help her leave her marriage ( you said you only don't think its abusive but you don't know )
But he wrong for not discussing it and agreeing to a long term arrangement
If it was to stay so she could leave and then help her find somewhere knew , through the council or private then I that would be better for all
But if my mum was actually in an abusive relationship i would invite her to stay for sure and my dh would accept that as a temp arrangement no questions asked

Tyneside · 28/02/2022 10:17

@Migrainesbythedozen

I'm hoping it won't happen

Excuse me? OP, please, I don't mean to be harsh, but wtf is wrong with you? I WON'T HAPPEN because you SAY it won't happen! Grow up, be an adult, and tell her your husband didn't ask you and you're sorry but it won't be happening. Put on your big woman pants, tell your husband he had no right to invite another person to live in your house without asking you, that if she moves in, you are moving out. Then tell her she can't move in.

It really is that simple. Be an adult and say NO!!.

Jesus christ this site pisses me off lately. So many women won't adult and just roll over. You just say NO! It really is that simple OP. It is that fucking simple!

But is it really that fucking simple? For you maybe, but not for everyone. The DH owns half the house, and if he decides he is moving his mother in there is probably very little OP can do about other than move out herself. The kind of person who makes offers like this without any discussion is not the kind of person who is going to suddenly agree that it is a very bad idea.
I can be fairly sure my DH will do this when his parents get infirm, with the expectation that he can continue his life unimpeded will I look after them. It won't happen not because I will be able to stop him but because I won't stay if he does.
worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 10:18

@DaphneduM yes most likely as your not entitled to council housing if you own a property
Demand will vary but there is often someone always on the list or living in temp or other unsuitable housing whilst waiting for a property to come up , very few areas will have no demand for it

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 28/02/2022 10:22

Were you with DH when the offer was made? Could he have been manoeuvered into making it and is hoping you'll get him out of it? (Good son - bad DIL sort of thing?) Just wondering as it's such a huge thing to do without consulting you.

Agree with posters saying contact her today and say offer of permanent home is not possible as uni son still needs his room but of course you'll help make arrangements. Ask her why her DH doesn't move out, what's his situation? Explore other options, but make it clear to both your MIL and your DH that no way is she moving in. Especially your DH!!!!

user1471538283 · 28/02/2022 10:22

Regardless of your DS still needing a home this is your home. If your DH is so keen to have his mother living with him he can. You can sell your home and go your separate ways. He and his DM in one home; you in your own. I would tell him this. I would also text her to tell her the same.

I hate this assumption that your time and life isn't important. His life will not change much but he gets to be the star son who has helped her.

The fact that she has no assets and money is her fault, not yours.

D0lphine · 28/02/2022 10:22

Also very handy she wants to move in now when 0 childcare will be needed... so it's not even like you have little kids and she could help out. Your child is literally going to uni hahaha. Beggars belief.

WinniesHunny · 28/02/2022 10:22

"I've spent years of my life subsidising your stupid lifestyle choices, how dare you assume I'm going to do it for the rest of your life and wipe your arse whilst I do so?

See that bed you made, lie in it"

NowEvenBetter · 28/02/2022 10:23

Yeah it is that simple.

No offering up excuses, tell the idiot husband ‘no.’, if he objects, the house gets sold in the divorce, because who’d want to stay married to a man who doesn’t respect you, and signs you and your home up to provide care/catering/entertainment/finance his mother?

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 28/02/2022 10:23

@MrMrsJones

I'd be saying that if DH's mother moves in, he would be responsible for all of her care, while you will be off enjoying yourself.

Better still, say no chance

That won't happen - it's pretty obvious if she moves in it won't be DH helping change her incontinence pads...

No no no not coming here!!!

FlasherMcGruff · 28/02/2022 10:24

Your husband is totally in the wrong for not discussing this with you first and now needs to have the guts to tell her that this can’t happen. That’s his fault for independently and presumptively making what needed to be a jointly agreed decision. It’s not your job to pick up the pieces of their poor decisions over the years! Not your problem!!!!

emmathedilemma · 28/02/2022 10:27

Make it clear to her that whilst your DS is going to uni that's not really the same as moving out. Uni holidays are almost as long a the term times so they'll still need a bedroom at home for a large part of the year. There's also a chance they might move back home for a while when they graduate if they don't have a graduate job immediately or get one locally.

Mindymomo · 28/02/2022 10:29

Your DS will probably come home from university usually April to end of September, or may even not like it, so be home sooner. Also presumably if she moves out of council house, her husband will have to pay all the bills himself.

Ironmanrocks · 28/02/2022 10:29

I haven't read the full thread, but what happens when your child comes home from uni? In the holidays and maybe even after. Leaving to go to uni does not mean an empty room you can give to someone else. It will still be their room - potentially for a few years yet!

Ironmanrocks · 28/02/2022 10:30

Ha I see others have had the same thought as me!

rookiemere · 28/02/2022 10:35

Again it's important not to make DS being at university the sole reason why she can't live with you. Otherwise she'll be expecting to move in age 80 once he's finished.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/02/2022 10:37

When I first met dh within a few weeks we had the dps chat. Both agreed no aged relatives would ever be living with us!!
Maybe should be written into vows!!

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