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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not want MIL living with us

265 replies

Seema1234 · 28/02/2022 05:59

Our youngest is due to leave home next year.

ILS have no assets (ILs went bankrupt about 20 years ago) and they live in a council house now after losing their home. No reason other than they are hopeless with money and for t hemselves into loads of debt.

MIL has been complaining about her husband (DHs stepdad) for about 20 years. It comes around in full circle and whilst I acknowledge he's a pain , she has never done anything to change her situation.

Yesterday she told DH that she intends on leaving her DH but can't as she has no where to go as no assets. DH then offered for her to move in here once DS goes to university next year. Confused

For context, there is no abuse going on as far as I know. Her DH is just selfish and sometimes she gets fed up of it. I get that.

Im not one of these who dread the children flying the nest Grin. I've had it all planned, looking forward to having the house back to ourselves. .
We wanted to sell up in a few years and maybe buy somewhere smaller. We had plans to travel, lots of weekends away and want to live in a particular place for a year.

Now MIL is going to scupper all of that. Once she's here that will be it. She's 75 now , so that could be another 20 years of me looking after an elderly woman who has nowhere to go.

I just feel Angry. Their financial screw ups have had alot of impact on us over the years. They turn to us whenever they want money, which has been alot.

I'm hoping it won't happen , but she texted me yesterday to thank us as now she knows she can leave stepdad.

Aibu?

OP posts:
HazelBite · 28/02/2022 10:38

The more I think about this the more I can't believe this has been thought through seriously.
I love my 4 DC's fiercely we all get on well as I do with their partners, but I wouldn't want to move into any of their homes as a lodger effectively, it would be a very different relationship to your adult children moving back with parents.
Moving in for caring purposes is also acceptable but anyone I know who has had an elderly parent move in, to be cared for has had big, big problems.

WinniesHunny · 28/02/2022 10:43

@Ironmanrocks

Ha I see others have had the same thought as me!
Yes, about 70 others.
3peassuit · 28/02/2022 10:44

Hell no. What on earth was your husband thinking?

reesewithoutaspoon · 28/02/2022 10:45

Fuck no. Hell would freeze over before I allowed my own mother to move in, never mind an In-law.
She's 75 now but she's only going to get older and a sudden illness could knock her for 6 and she could become quite dependent. Not to mention the lack of privacy.
Can you imagine every evening when you are trying to watch TV and she's talking through it or moaning because she wants to watch her programs?
What about if she needs personal care in the future. Are you prepared to wipe her arse for her? help her shower? Cook meals that she likes because she doesn't like what you eat? because I can bet you that your DH won't be expecting to do it, it will be your job.
Would she be contributing to bills and house costs? what about food costs? would she put the heating on all the time if she was at home all day?
You would never get to relax in your own home ever again while she was there. and she could live another 20 years.

loislovesstewie · 28/02/2022 10:50

If MIL wants to leave husband then she needs to contact her local authority and ask to apply on the housing register for a nice little 1 bed sheltered flat. I don't know where you live, but this situation happens all the while, and she ought to get really good, practical advice on that. Don't let her move to yours, point out she would be far happier in a sheltered scheme where she could meet people of her own age. Lots of schemes have activities for their residents, so she would have company, independence and not cause you problems.

Sillyname63 · 28/02/2022 10:51

You have time, before she thinks she is moving in , I would contact social services and find out what help they can offer can she put her name down for a social housing flat? Or if she prefers sheltered accommodation. Even if you then help out with furniture etc. Better than her moving in Act now and hopefully you can divert this before it is to late.

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 10:52

@reesewithoutaspoon

Fuck no. Hell would freeze over before I allowed my own mother to move in, never mind an In-law. She's 75 now but she's only going to get older and a sudden illness could knock her for 6 and she could become quite dependent. Not to mention the lack of privacy. Can you imagine every evening when you are trying to watch TV and she's talking through it or moaning because she wants to watch her programs? What about if she needs personal care in the future. Are you prepared to wipe her arse for her? help her shower? Cook meals that she likes because she doesn't like what you eat? because I can bet you that your DH won't be expecting to do it, it will be your job. Would she be contributing to bills and house costs? what about food costs? would she put the heating on all the time if she was at home all day? You would never get to relax in your own home ever again while she was there. and she could live another 20 years.
All these posts are pointless if there is a cultural element. Asian DC don't ask parents to contribute towards their bills. Just like parents don't ask DC to pay rent. I won't be asking my mother for contributions.
Justilou1 · 28/02/2022 10:53

Why the hell do men just make sweeping statements without consulting their wives/partners? Gaaah! I’d start telling him that he’s better start getting cosy back at Mum and Dad’s now.

MushroomCat · 28/02/2022 10:54

Surely she can move in over 55s housing? I would refuse and text her back saying "I think DH got muddled up, unfortunately we are hoping to downsize once DS is at university. However I'm happy to help you find alternative housing." If she leaves the step dad, she can get housed elsewhere she's just being funny about it.

Jewel52 · 28/02/2022 10:58

You’re clearly a non confrontational person so struggle with putting your foot down. Unfortunately you’re in a situation where you have no other choice. Nip this in the bud very quickly before it wrecks your own marriage. Sounds like she’s been taking from you without any qualms for years and doesn’t see how selfish she’s being. Offer to help with finding other housing but that’s it and don’t allow her to move in temporarily as you’ll never get rid.

kittykutty · 28/02/2022 10:58

Not relaly @Motherofgorgons, only the financial element would be redundant. And there's still the dilemma about wiping of bottoms.

Did the op say either of them was Asian, I may have missed it but it doesn't appear so.

notapizzaeater · 28/02/2022 11:04

No is a complete sentence. Your DH needs to tell her no, he's said yes in the first instance now he needs to stop it !

Motherofgorgons · 28/02/2022 11:06

@kittykutty

Not relaly *@Motherofgorgons*, only the financial element would be redundant. And there's still the dilemma about wiping of bottoms.

Did the op say either of them was Asian, I may have missed it but it doesn't appear so.

I have deduced this from her name but I could be wrong. I am not saying she should do any eldercare. Just that it may be more complex than just saying no. My own DH and I have decided that we will take care of my mum in our home ( because she is easy to live with) and his sister will take care of his mum ( who helps with childcare) while he makes long visits to give her a break. But we hope that neither will be going into a home. Obviously most people can't do this and should not be expected to.
Frazzled50yrold · 28/02/2022 11:08

I have an elderly friend who I assist in meals planning, arranging his shopping, occasionally chasing up prescriptions, medical appointments etc.He's fiercely independent and is financially well off. There's still a certain amount of stress involved and I just can't imagine how it would be if he lived with me.Don't do it, you can offer some support from a distance.

titchy · 28/02/2022 11:08

[quote worriedatthemoment]@titchy what makes you think there are not long lists , they don't have unlimited council sheltered housing schemes , they do come up but each area will be very different on whats availible [/quote]
Well to be blunt when tenants die that creates a vacancy. And with housing for oldies, they die fairly frequently. Clearly the length of list will vary from one LA to another, but they are nowhere near as long as those that aren't age restricted. But a phone call to the council (or whoever they delegate their housing to) would find out for certain.

kittykutty · 28/02/2022 11:09

Oh yep, true. I never look at usernames. It's tough because I'd never want my parents in a home either in a vulnerable state but I'm not sure I could do the caring myself either.

kittykutty · 28/02/2022 11:10

Later years when it's necessary but at this age, due to relationship issues Mil moving back in? I couldn't I'm afraid

REP22 · 28/02/2022 11:10

Where is your DS going to sleep when he comes home from Uni for the holidays? Or what happens if he decides that Uni isn't for him and he needs to come back for a time?

I think it was really wrong of your OH to offer this, on every level.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/02/2022 11:11

No, no and noAngry

I think other posters are right... This is a much bigger issue than mother in law with dodgy relationship and no money.

Your husband is treating you appallingly.

This would be a hill I'd die on.

Be very careful using son @ uni as an excuse, she may well see this as being a not now but later gambit.

Living with elderly relatives does depend massively on their temperament and health...and also YOUR future...

Different if separate annex with own front door where the person largely has their own life....but this doesn't sound the case at all here.

But has your husband thought this through?!

Apart from you don't want it!!

Has he considered?? (my guess, not... At all... Apart from you do it all...

Esp all the distasteful bits).

So what happens in the evenings, will she be sitting on the sofa...? Just 'there' so you get no privacy.
?

Would she eat with you and given her money issues... Would you be expected to buy, cook and serve her meals?

Would she complain if you wanted to go away for weekend...?or want to go with you?

Would she make herself scarce when your friends visit or expect to be included, thus changing the dynamic?

Would there be enough space for your kids and visiting friends?

When she suddenly has a stroke /long standing illness... Who will do the donkey work?? And give up their time/organise carers?..

Yup.

I'd die on this hill...

PS every single pal who has had elderly relatives move in, or who moved in with their recently widowed parent to get them through the first few months... And then just couldn't leave...

Every. Single, one... Regretted it... In half the cases theur relationships broke down.

autienotnaughty · 28/02/2022 11:15

@lurker69

*was supposed to say years
Or even just a year tbh 😂😂
autienotnaughty · 28/02/2022 11:17

Also my kids came back loads when they were at uni and moved home after til could afford not to. I would say sorry but no.

Ellie56 · 28/02/2022 11:17

Just stop it right there. Tell her sorry there has been a mistake and she can't move in and then read the riot act to him.

How dare he make decisions about who lives in your home without your input?

And if he insists on her moving in, tell him you're moving out and then he'll have to sell the house to fund your divorce settlement.

autienotnaughty · 28/02/2022 11:20

My grandad lived in assisted living. Council subsidised it due to no savings plus he got his pension and pension credit. He had more than 10k in savings by time he died. He didn't have anything when he moved in.

neelhtak · 28/02/2022 11:21

I would advise and assist her in every way possible but I would DEFINITELY stop short of inviting her to move in with you.

LittleOwl153 · 28/02/2022 11:26

So your DH is prioritising his mother over both your own shared plans for life AND his sons home base?

He has no respect for either you or your son and doesn't give a damn does he?

I'd be telling him he changes HIS I'll thought out plan or you will be divorcing him now whilst your son still needs accommodation and you will get the larger share of family assets!

And yes, I'd text the MIL in response and say "sorry not happening - not in my house!"