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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to decide what we have for dinner EVERY night?!

159 replies

whatstheproblemguys · 27/02/2022 18:50

I work part time, 3 days a week. My job requires me to leave home around 7.00 to get our 2 year old dropped to nursery and me to work to get sorted to be able to start at 8.15 and I finish at 4.30. I then go and pick up both kids, come home sort everyone out with dinner and bed and do a few extra hours of work once it's quiet. Husband works 9-5, starts at dead on 9 and finishes dead on 5 but is full time WFH.
On my days off I do the housework, food shopping and any other jobs that have arisen after the weekend and then I have a fairly quiet day where I prioritise doing something with the toddler that she would enjoy. Anyway, that's a little background.
So, onto my complaint. I cook EVERY evening. I do the shopping 95% of the time, and I make meals with whatever I manage to find on offer/reasonably priced. Husband is a self proclaimed awful cook. He's cooked for me twice in our entire 10 years we've been together. The first time was the day I'd come out of hospital after major surgery and he presented me with a still half frozen steak pie, a whole raw carrot and not cooked through boiled potatoes. The second time, he tried to make a curry, not only did it take him forever to do, he then managed to burn uncooked rice. It really is tragic.
He also has the cheek to moan about what I make, not because it's not nice but because we 'had this recently' or 'I'd have preferred mashed potatoes with this' which as you can imagine doesn't go down well.
So on the odd occasion I ask him, what do you want for dinner tonight, I always get 'well I don't know, I don't do the shopping' (no but you're perfectly capable of opening the fridge door and seeing what's in there) or 'I'm too busy to think about dinner right now'.
I'm so sick of having to decide what the dinner plans are, sick of cooking every night (bar the odd take out) and sick of the criticisms every time! I've tried the 'well why don't you cook, I can help' or 'why don't you tell me what you want and I'll get it' but I always get some stupid reply that pisses me off more.
So AIBU to have had enough? To not get any help or input or even a hint as to what to cook? I know there really are more important things happening in the world at the minute than my pathetic dramas but it's really wound me up tonight!

OP posts:

Momicrone · 27/02/2022 18:53

Order takeaways

Anna197264 · 27/02/2022 18:57

Yes I totally get you. We are a family of 4 and what 3 people will eat, one won't. I tend to rotate the same meals for ease but I've also stopped beating myself up for sometimes just chucking something in the oven or just doing jacket potato's and beans or a panini with salad for tea. I also occasionally refuse to do any shopping until they choose the meals so I know they will (hopefully) eat them I feel your pain. It's tedious.

Shutthefeontdoor · 27/02/2022 19:03

I get the meal planner out on Friday at dinner and nobody leaves the table until the whole following week is planned as I shop on a Saturday. If nobody makes suggestions then I tell them it’s my choice and no complaints!!! As for him not cooking … my two teenagers cook a meal one meal together every week. Something simple and I’ve had to show them at first and was asked questions for a few times but now they just get on with it and it gives me a break once a week.

hellithurt · 27/02/2022 19:16

Stop doing dinner, tell him about you tube cooking lessons.

Just stop allowing him to act like a child!

VioletLemon · 27/02/2022 19:17

Change your habits as your DH won't. You will feel less resentful and he might be more appreciative. It's not sustainable and why TF should you?!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 19:18

Beans on toast for him every night. You aren't his dm.
Leave the bread and tin on the table. Write instructions
.

Ginger1982 · 27/02/2022 19:19

Why can't he take your youngest to nursery?

BlackLambAndGreyFalcon · 27/02/2022 19:19

YANBU - DH and I alternate who is cooking the evening meal day by day and have done so since we moved in together 15 years ago!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 27/02/2022 19:20

YANBU. He needs to step up and learn to cook. It's called being an adult.

mugoftea456 · 27/02/2022 19:22

He needs to pull his weight.

I can't believe you have out up with this for 10 years though. This should have been addressed a Long time ago.

Being a bad cook is not an excuse. I'm a terrible cook but I still managed to keep a family alive.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 27/02/2022 19:24

If you can read, you can cook. Nowadays if you can watch videos you can cook.

Fairislefandango · 27/02/2022 19:24

He needs to learn to cook. If he can read (a recipe) then he can cook. It's learned helplessness - don't let him get away with it. He could start by cooking once a week and build up as he gets better/quicker at it. Also there's nothing to stop him deciding the meals and doing an online shop.

Arabellla · 27/02/2022 19:25

This is learned helplessness, make him cook twice a week and he’ll soon get better at it.

Stop being the cook.

Havehope21 · 27/02/2022 19:25

Your DH sounds really ungrateful and I would be livid if I was in your situation - fair enough if he did his fair share and was a competent cook, but given that you shop, decide and make the food... Anyway, looking for a solution - I would suggest spending time on a Sunday planning the meals together for the next 5 days. Actually explain to him how the meals are cooked (e.g. ok, well if you want mash with that it will take x long to do x y and z, I will be shattered so could you prep the potatoes - if not, we can just have boiled instead). He needs to appreciate what you do much more. Planning in advance may also help you get a bit more excited about what you are making, rather than it feeling like a chore. Also, if you are pushed for time, batches of mince can be made into different meals (e.g batch cook and divide into different portions to flavour and serve as different meals) - spag bol one night, add paprika / chilli for fajitas/tacos one night with guacamole, salsa etc, add kidney beans for chilli con carne with rice / jacket potato, sour cream and cheese the next.
Hope this helps!

PukkaP · 27/02/2022 19:25

I'd just say "I'm not cooking tomorrow" and when tomorrow comes, just sit there watching the telly until he does something.

My DH will happily try to cook, but I don't like whatever he does. At least he's happy to give it a go though.

Cherryblossoms85 · 27/02/2022 19:26

Um in the same position as you, with the rather large exception that my husband knows then to keep his mouth shut and merely says "yes, delicious" in terms of feedback. He will then drop some hints about how amazing the moussaka is if he wants to express a preference. I work full time, but also pay all bulls, do all food shopping, all cooking, washing, all kids club bookings, Holiday bookings, everything except iron his shirts. He knows he's onto a good thing and expresses admiration. Would be nice if he could actually pull his finger out, but your DH just needs to get told to put up or shut up.

Louisianagumbo · 27/02/2022 19:26

Honestly, you typed a lot there and you eally didn't need to. You title said it all.
"AIBU to not want to decide what we have for dinner EVERY night?!"
No, you're fucking NOT. It's a brain drain.

Mistressiggi · 27/02/2022 19:26

It is very unusual for a man to have cooked only two meals in a ten year relationship. When he was still trying to impress you, he didn't even do it then?
He will be capable of cooking a pizza, or burgers to go with rolls and chips. There are things he is capable of doing even now, would be great if he started cooking more but with the desire to reduce your load now why no meal plan, allocate him three days a week (I'd say your working days) and with simple shite to prepare.
Tell him you can't go on like this, and mean it.

Vwswimmer1 · 27/02/2022 19:27

Every week me and my husband sit down and make a meal plan for the week before I do the food shop.

I'd agree with the others that everyone can learn to cook. Get him to find an easy recipe of something to make once a week and build up from there.

It also sets a better example for your children that things are more equally shared etc. He can change!

bumpytrumpy · 27/02/2022 19:29

Why are you dropping a 2yo at 7am when her dad doesn't start work until 9? And same goes for picks ups.. he has no commute, why can't he do it? Or at least have dinner waiting for you all when you get back.

What does he do 7-9am and 5-7pm every day?

mbosnz · 27/02/2022 19:29

I'm afraid that anyone that has the temerity to express a negative opinion about the food shopped, prepped, cooked and served up for them in this household, gets to see the entire meal picked up, and binned, with nothing further on offer until breakfast.

If I had a man-brat like yours, that's the treatment he'd get.

HereComesTheSum · 27/02/2022 19:31

GOUSTO!!!!

IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

I felt the same as you, my husband now cooks really well as hes got used to following the step by step gousto recipe card and because everything is there in front of him all measured out.

The other 3 days of the week we have a meal out, a takeaway and a pasta bake so it's easy too.

HereComesTheSum · 27/02/2022 19:32

@bumpytrumpy

What does he do 7-9am and 5-7pm every day?

This is such a good point about nursery. I work from home 9-5 and I do all school runs and nursery etc for this reason. Happy to do it and it takes the stress off DH as he has quite a long commute.

Rosebel · 27/02/2022 19:36

Get him cooking. He probably did a shit job deliberately so you wouldn't ask again. If you put him charge once or twice a week a week he'll start cooking properly.
My husband always claimed he couldn't cook, except I said I wasn't cooking anymore Wednesday or Friday and he found he could cook after all.

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 19:37

We switched, he had to learn to cook, meal plan, the works.

He is now appreciative of every meal I make

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