AIBU to not want to decide what we have for dinner EVERY night?!

[whatstheproblemguys]

I work part time, 3 days a week. My job requires me to leave home around 7.00 to get our 2 year old dropped to nursery and me to work to get sorted to be able to start at 8.15 and I finish at 4.30. I then go and pick up both kids, come home sort everyone out with dinner and bed and do a few extra hours of work once it's quiet. Husband works 9-5, starts at dead on 9 and finishes dead on 5 but is full time WFH.
On my days off I do the housework, food shopping and any other jobs that have arisen after the weekend and then I have a fairly quiet day where I prioritise doing something with the toddler that she would enjoy. Anyway, that's a little background.
So, onto my complaint. I cook EVERY evening. I do the shopping 95% of the time, and I make meals with whatever I manage to find on offer/reasonably priced. Husband is a self proclaimed awful cook. He's cooked for me twice in our entire 10 years we've been together. The first time was the day I'd come out of hospital after major surgery and he presented me with a still half frozen steak pie, a whole raw carrot and not cooked through boiled potatoes. The second time, he tried to make a curry, not only did it take him forever to do, he then managed to burn uncooked rice. It really is tragic.
He also has the cheek to moan about what I make, not because it's not nice but because we 'had this recently' or 'I'd have preferred mashed potatoes with this' which as you can imagine doesn't go down well.
So on the odd occasion I ask him, what do you want for dinner tonight, I always get 'well I don't know, I don't do the shopping' (no but you're perfectly capable of opening the fridge door and seeing what's in there) or 'I'm too busy to think about dinner right now'.
I'm so sick of having to decide what the dinner plans are, sick of cooking every night (bar the odd take out) and sick of the criticisms every time! I've tried the 'well why don't you cook, I can help' or 'why don't you tell me what you want and I'll get it' but I always get some stupid reply that pisses me off more.
So AIBU to have had enough? To not get any help or input or even a hint as to what to cook? I know there really are more important things happening in the world at the minute than my pathetic dramas but it's really wound me up tonight!

All I can say is I feel your pain!!

@Ginger1982

Why can't he take your youngest to nursery?

Don't even get me started on this one! He used to take my older one but was always late and the old childminder threatened to cancel our contract because it interferes with the plans for the day so I had to take over and do it! He's literally a child!

If you keep letting him off with the 'I don't know how' excuse he'll never do it. Just let him know it's down to him some nights, you may end up with rubbish meals but so will he, bit of an incentive. Cooking isn't difficult if your not trying to be a cordon bleau chef.
For us it was the other way around, I was the one that didn't cook, OH was/is a good cook and Baker, he enjoys it. Your OH needs to make the effort, who knows he may enjoy cooking.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

YANBU. He needs to step up and learn to cook. It's called being an adult.

I've even used the whole 'you need to start to learn to do things. What if something happens to me, you'll then be completely in the shit without a spade!' He lost his mum when he was a teen so knows it's a real possibility and he didn't even bat an eyelid!

Weekly meal plans so you only think about it every few weeks if you want to change things up. However, doing both bedtime and cooking is totally unfair. In our house each person does one or the other.

Your husband sounds like a lazy arsehole.

What exactly is his appeal?

Ten years of this?

Your 3 working days are very long.

He has no drops/ collecting and you are doing far too much.

Kindly, you sound like a bit of a mug.

Doing to much and that twat is complaining?

What is the dynamic in your relationship that you have tolerated this?

Are you afraid of him?

I ask because I am genuinely wondering why you tolerate this.

This is a case of deliberate incompetence.
Your DH can read? Then he can get online & chose & follow some simple recipes.

I have 4 children the two eldest pair up with the two youngest & cook one meal a week so that's 2 evenings covered for us & them learning essential life lessons. Win all round, especially as the youngest two are starting to suggest they should be allowed to cook alone.

It does mean having some fairly basic meals & frequently repeated menus but I'm not doing so that's a win for me.

In winter we always have a roast at the weekend & I aim to have left overs for another meal eg roast lamb then Shephards pie so then I'm past the half way mark of planning for the week.

I've had this issue and it gives me loads of stress after work. I now have a set of meals for like 2 weeks and every morning I get out the meat to defrost and give dh a list of like 3 meals I'll make with it so he can decide. It's meant we have drastically reduced takeaways from 5 a week to 1 every month if that.

@Havehope21

Your DH sounds really ungrateful and I would be livid if I was in your situation - fair enough if he did his fair share and was a competent cook, but given that you shop, decide and make the food... Anyway, looking for a solution - I would suggest spending time on a Sunday planning the meals together for the next 5 days. Actually explain to him how the meals are cooked (e.g. ok, well if you want mash with that it will take x long to do x y and z, I will be shattered so could you prep the potatoes - if not, we can just have boiled instead). He needs to appreciate what you do much more. Planning in advance may also help you get a bit more excited about what you are making, rather than it feeling like a chore. Also, if you are pushed for time, batches of mince can be made into different meals (e.g batch cook and divide into different portions to flavour and serve as different meals) - spag bol one night, add paprika / chilli for fajitas/tacos one night with guacamole, salsa etc, add kidney beans for chilli con carne with rice / jacket potato, sour cream and cheese the next. Hope this helps!

Thank you for this! I do bulk make things like spag bol and other pasta sauces but he moans something chronic when I take freezer sauce out. Says 'it doesn't taste the same'. So I just tell him I make it fresh each time 😂😂

@Cherryblossoms85

Um in the same position as you, with the rather large exception that my husband knows then to keep his mouth shut and merely says "yes, delicious" in terms of feedback. He will then drop some hints about how amazing the moussaka is if he wants to express a preference. I work full time, but also pay all bulls, do all food shopping, all cooking, washing, all kids club bookings, Holiday bookings, everything except iron his shirts. He knows he's onto a good thing and expresses admiration. Would be nice if he could actually pull his finger out, but your DH just needs to get told to put up or shut up.

Yes, sounds like we are pretty much in the same boat, I literally do everything. He literally just moans and quotes news articles at me.

"He's literally a child!"

And it's taken you a decade to notice?

@Mistressiggi

It is very unusual for a man to have cooked only two meals in a ten year relationship. When he was still trying to impress you, he didn't even do it then? He will be capable of cooking a pizza, or burgers to go with rolls and chips. There are things he is capable of doing even now, would be great if he started cooking more but with the desire to reduce your load now why no meal plan, allocate him three days a week (I'd say your working days) and with simple shite to prepare. Tell him you can't go on like this, and mean it.

We met when we were in uni, but both lived at home, so if we were going to eat, we just went out. When we finally moved in together 2 years later we just fell into a routine of me cooking and him washing up. I didn't mind because I didn't enjoy washing up, but then he stopped washing up even, and I ended up doing it all!

My husband is the cook of the family, any time I cut it ends up practically inedible, limp, dry, overcooked, you name it. The guilt I feel is horrendous as I'm as bad as your dh, I leave it all down to him to decide, simply because I'd feel guilty saying 'would you mind doing X tonight?' Saying that I would never ever complain and I do more housework (he's wfh I'm not). Op you need to tell him to stop moaning and at the very least CB ome up with ideas and also he can at least do 2 nights a week, say you have a fry or bolognese or something

@bumpytrumpy

Why are you dropping a 2yo at 7am when her dad doesn't start work until 9? And same goes for picks ups.. he has no commute, why can't he do it? Or at least have dinner waiting for you all when you get back.

What does he do 7-9am and 5-7pm every day?

Between 7 and 8, he sleeps. He doesn't get up to see us off or make sure we're okay. I get the older one ready for school and breakfast done before I leave. He then takes the older one to school for 8.30, to then start work at 9. It's not really a hardship as we live opposite his school.

@bumpytrumpy

Why are you dropping a 2yo at 7am when her dad doesn't start work until 9? And same goes for picks ups.. he has no commute, why can't he do it? Or at least have dinner waiting for you all when you get back.

What does he do 7-9am and 5-7pm every day?

Sorry, didn't finish. 5-7 he's playing computer games. Once he finishes work he just stays on his computer, we don't see him until I call for dinner.

"5-7 he's playing computer games. Once he finishes work he just stays on his computer, we don't see him until I call for dinner."

Wtaf

And this is fine? You must be on the wind up

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He needs to do some of the weekday pick ups so you can stay at work a bit longer and finish what needs doing - it's shit that you have to log on later to work while he does......?

...plays computer games and watches YouTube.

Honestly every post gets a worse! Seriously why the f are you putting up with this??
He sleeps until 8?
Then plays computer games until 7?
Wtf does he actually contribute to your life?

@Googlecanthelpme

Well no of course you’re not unreasonable OP.

But the bottom line is that you’ve allowed this to be the status quo.

No one is so useless that they can’t produce beans on toast or shove a pre bought lasagne in the oven and follow the instructions.

And if your DP is that useless then I suggest you tell him to learn sharpish,

If you want to do the shopping in store for the bargains then I’d say when you get home, make a rough meal plan for the week and stick it to the fridge. Choose the basic meals that DH can knock up. You may have to help him realistically because you don’t go from being fucking useless to being useful overnight.

There’s no point telling him to do the shopping and organise the meals because he will fail and it’ll be a waste of time and money and you’ll end up taking over anyway.
But if you get him involved and give him direction and responsibility - along with showing him how to do it, then eventually he will hopefully have the basics and be able to do some stuff alone without direction.

It would annoy me too OP but I’ve got to be honest, I don’t feel like you’ve got a right to complain if you’ve just allowed this to become the reality. It’s bordering on martyr status

Thank you for this! I agree I am to blame because I'm very much one for 'it's painful watching you so I'll just do it myself'. I do think I'll instigate meal planning together. Then he can choose what to cook and we'll go from there. It's just draining as it is and I'm resenting him more and more each day.

Have your main meal at lunchtime and then have a sandwich/omlette/toast in the evening. Say you're not so hungry so he can sort himself out.

I was married to an incompetent man child like this. My life is much better now I’ve ditched him and guess what he can actually cook when he has to. It was just easier for him to expect me to do everything when we were together.

@Cherryblossoms85

Um in the same position as you, with the rather large exception that my husband knows then to keep his mouth shut and merely says "yes, delicious" in terms of feedback. He will then drop some hints about how amazing the moussaka is if he wants to express a preference. I work full time, but also pay all bulls, do all food shopping, all cooking, washing, all kids club bookings, Holiday bookings, everything except iron his shirts. He knows he's onto a good thing and expresses admiration. Would be nice if he could actually pull his finger out, but your DH just needs to get told to put up or shut up.

Why do you do all this? What is he doing while you do it?

Okay so maybe he can’t do a full roast dinner tomorrow (although it’s ridiculous that he hasn’t learned by now) but surely he can put some pesto with pasta and veg or jacket potato with salad.

@MrsWarleggan

I could have written your post OP.

Fed up with it.

The other reply thar gets right on my tits after the what do you want for dinner is: "I don't know, what do you fancy?"

No! I've fucking asked YOU!!!!

YES! Urgh! It makes me want to punch him in the face sometimes. (I obviously don't do this but it doesn't stop me wanting to 😂).

I'm going to look into this gousto thing though and go from there! Something needs to change though, because I'm dangerously on the verge of losing it!

Thank you for this! I do bulk make things like spag bol and other pasta sauces but he moans something chronic when I take freezer sauce out. Says 'it doesn't taste the same'. So I just tell him I make it fresh each time

What on Earth have I just read? OP, why are you tolerating and enabling this nonsense? Every post makes him sound worse. Why are you putting g up with it? I genuinely don’t understand.