Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to decide what we have for dinner EVERY night?!

159 replies

whatstheproblemguys · 27/02/2022 18:50

I work part time, 3 days a week. My job requires me to leave home around 7.00 to get our 2 year old dropped to nursery and me to work to get sorted to be able to start at 8.15 and I finish at 4.30. I then go and pick up both kids, come home sort everyone out with dinner and bed and do a few extra hours of work once it's quiet. Husband works 9-5, starts at dead on 9 and finishes dead on 5 but is full time WFH.
On my days off I do the housework, food shopping and any other jobs that have arisen after the weekend and then I have a fairly quiet day where I prioritise doing something with the toddler that she would enjoy. Anyway, that's a little background.
So, onto my complaint. I cook EVERY evening. I do the shopping 95% of the time, and I make meals with whatever I manage to find on offer/reasonably priced. Husband is a self proclaimed awful cook. He's cooked for me twice in our entire 10 years we've been together. The first time was the day I'd come out of hospital after major surgery and he presented me with a still half frozen steak pie, a whole raw carrot and not cooked through boiled potatoes. The second time, he tried to make a curry, not only did it take him forever to do, he then managed to burn uncooked rice. It really is tragic.
He also has the cheek to moan about what I make, not because it's not nice but because we 'had this recently' or 'I'd have preferred mashed potatoes with this' which as you can imagine doesn't go down well.
So on the odd occasion I ask him, what do you want for dinner tonight, I always get 'well I don't know, I don't do the shopping' (no but you're perfectly capable of opening the fridge door and seeing what's in there) or 'I'm too busy to think about dinner right now'.
I'm so sick of having to decide what the dinner plans are, sick of cooking every night (bar the odd take out) and sick of the criticisms every time! I've tried the 'well why don't you cook, I can help' or 'why don't you tell me what you want and I'll get it' but I always get some stupid reply that pisses me off more.
So AIBU to have had enough? To not get any help or input or even a hint as to what to cook? I know there really are more important things happening in the world at the minute than my pathetic dramas but it's really wound me up tonight!

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 27/02/2022 22:53

Excellent. Time for you to go full time for a 'break' from households duties. Role reversal. He should be doing laundry if he is WFH in my opinion. He could take in the food shopping delivery as well and put it away whilst you are out of the house.

TheUsualChaos · 27/02/2022 22:59

@Jvg33

I just told my partner this situation. He said if he's not earning big money he shouldn't be playing games etc until 7pm.
Don't see what salary has to do with his contribution to the childcare, cooking and other chores? So if he earned a lot more it gives the green light to let OP do everything? He can play games later when everything else is done and the lazy shit can get up earlier and help get the DC ready for the day!
MadCattery · 27/02/2022 23:12

DH cannot cook at all. He’s learning, a tiny bit, but really not. But, he pays for all of the food shopping and washes all the dishes. Occasionally I get a little upset because I still want some input with planning what to eat, but I can’t complain.

converseandjeans · 27/02/2022 23:15

Well done for losing weight. It's sad you felt you had to put up with him being lazy just because you put weight on.

Technically, I now earn more than him if I was to go full time. It's definitely not big money!

So it's not as if he's earning lots.

I'm shocked he stays online gaming 5-7pm when you have small children. When does he actually spend time with them? Also it can't be healthy to sit all day at home working and then just stay online?

It's not really about the cooking - he needs to help with children morning & evening & help with household chores.

I would do what another poster did & just stop doing things for him - don't wash his clothes or cook for him.

OneTC · 27/02/2022 23:22

In 26 years OH has cooked 7 times, and that's being generous with what constitutes cooking so you have my sympathy. OH also hates to choose dinner but then seems to develop an idea that although she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't want what I'm suggesting/offering Grin

SamuraiPizzaCats · 27/02/2022 23:23

Sorry, didn't finish. 5-7 he's playing computer games. Once he finishes work he just stays on his computer, we don't see him until I call for dinner.

I am lost for words.

Ff10n · 27/02/2022 23:49

Our situation is similar to yours apart from older children (well, child) and his job is much more stressful than mine. However I've had to do a lot of overtime in recent weeks due to an absent colleague and yes, it really pisses me off to arrive home at 7pm so tired I can't think straight, to find him sitting on the sofa, lap top out away and glass of wine in hand - waiting for me to get home so I can start cooking! He is appreciative at least, but I would so love to come home to dinner on the table just now and again!

Sweetlikejollof · 27/02/2022 23:52

@Ff10n

Our situation is similar to yours apart from older children (well, child) and his job is much more stressful than mine. However I've had to do a lot of overtime in recent weeks due to an absent colleague and yes, it really pisses me off to arrive home at 7pm so tired I can't think straight, to find him sitting on the sofa, lap top out away and glass of wine in hand - waiting for me to get home so I can start cooking! He is appreciative at least, but I would so love to come home to dinner on the table just now and again!
Have you said any of this to him? If so, what was his response? If not, why not?
DifficultBloodyWoman · 27/02/2022 23:54

@Shutthefeontdoor

I get the meal planner out on Friday at dinner and nobody leaves the table until the whole following week is planned as I shop on a Saturday. If nobody makes suggestions then I tell them it’s my choice and no complaints!!! As for him not cooking … my two teenagers cook a meal one meal together every week. Something simple and I’ve had to show them at first and was asked questions for a few times but now they just get on with it and it gives me a break once a week.
Do this!
Saltyquiche · 28/02/2022 00:58

Explain to him that you’re cooking 4 nights a week from now on and he’s cooking three nights a week - he’s doing both your work days and Sundays. He can plan in advance and add items to your shopping list. Introduce him to BBC food recipes online (very clear and easy to follow) and then don’t save him or coordinate his cooking. What ever he makes on those three nights, accept as part of his learning and let him improve over time. If he doesn’t cook and make mistakes he will never gain skills to prepare food for his family

Doveyouknow · 28/02/2022 06:48

Just don't call him for dinner at 7. Leave here him to his games. I am sure he will learn to fend for himself. Also, if you earn more why not suggest a role reversal, he works 3 days a week and does everything house / kids related and you will just do your job. See how much he thinks it's a privilege then...

Chasingaftermidnight · 28/02/2022 07:14

I’m about to derail the thread but… congratulations on your incredible weight loss! How did you do it? I have some baby weight to lose.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 28/02/2022 07:21

Having read the rest of your threads, what do you get out of living with this selfish loser?? He has no input into the kids' lives - I can't imagine starting in bed and not getting up to see dc off to school!!

Your life would be a lot nicer if he wasn't in it.

Original poster
whatstheproblemguys · 28/02/2022 08:19

@Chasingaftermidnight

I’m about to derail the thread but… congratulations on your incredible weight loss! How did you do it? I have some baby weight to lose.
Thank you! Purely by making healthy swaps (low calorie sausages, baked crisps, medium bread instead of thick, low fat yoghurts etc) and using a calorie counting app to make sure I was staying in a deficit. I didn't even feel like I was dieting most of the time. I averaged my calories out over the week, so if I wanted a take out, I had what I wanted, tracked the calories and then spread the remaining calories out over the rest of the week, which then means you're only losing 100 extra calories a day or something. I lost 1-2lbs a week fairly consistently. I increased my movement, just making sure to walk at a decent pace for 30 mins a day. I've really enjoyed it actually.
OP posts:
Jk987 · 28/02/2022 09:59

@MadCattery

DH cannot cook at all. He’s learning, a tiny bit, but really not. But, he pays for all of the food shopping and washes all the dishes. Occasionally I get a little upset because I still want some input with planning what to eat, but I can’t complain.
Ridiculous! Has he never lived on his own? He just can't be bothered. Everyone can cook a bit. They can put fish cakes in the oven and do some veg. Toasties, quiche, jacket spuds. No one's that incapable.
MooseBreath · 28/02/2022 10:20

YANBU. I had the same issue.

Told DH that things needed to change because I will not be a good little 50s housewife anymore. I do the shopping on Tuesdays, so on Monday evenings, DH and I make a meal plan for the week. No meals tied to certain days, just 7 dinners planned that need to be made. We voice likes/dislikes on Monday evenings so that we're both relatively happy with the plan. DH now cooks once or twice per week as well and surprise, surprise is a good cook and actually enjoys it.

Like your DH, I have managed to burn undercooked rice. Practice meant that I have since become a very good cook.

Lobelia123 · 28/02/2022 10:29

None of us start out magically being able to cook. But its easy enough to learn. There are 101 beginner cooking books that help you and take you step by step through what to do to put together tasty & interesting meals. Jamie Oliver is good for this - or anyone really .... loads of chefs put out easy to do collections. It just takes a bit of activating your give a fuck button and having a try. But thats a mental shift.

If he cant face doing a better job of what he criticises, a weekly delivery or take away would also work.

Lobelia123 · 28/02/2022 10:31

PS I have to add....the division of labour in your relationship/family sounds a bit off too....maybe its time for him to start assuming responsibility for some of those things. It will take his mind off whinging and critiquing and put it towards something thats actually helpful.

SartresSoul · 28/02/2022 10:33

YABU to stand for this behaviour, he sounds like a massive manchild. You’re enabling him to act this way by not standing up to him and just doing everything for him. He’ll never change. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t deal with this and would have to leave. Everyone is capable of cooking, he could learn how to cook if he wanted to but why would he when you do it for him? Same with the cleaning, he won’t do it while you just do it for him. Sounds very unattractive all round, even the way he couldn’t get your DC to nursery on time so you have to do that.

DelilahBucket · 28/02/2022 10:59

In our house I do the meal planning and shopping, however I do an actual plan for the week, not just go to the supermarket and buy whatever I can find as I find this is a massive waste of money and time. Then me or DH cook, who ever gets home first, and then the other person cleans up afterwards. Granted we both work similar hours and when I'm working more DH does more, so in your case I would expect less of a 50/50 split when you are not at work.
Would this work better for you "here is the recipe for tea DH, follow it". Don't be a martyr. He's cooked for you twice previously, you've agreed he's a rubbish cook and let him not cook ever since. You never know, proper cooking, not chucking a pie in the oven, might be something he enjoys, he's just never needed to do it. If he says he can't you tell him now is the time, as a fully grown adult, to learn.

diamondpony80 · 28/02/2022 11:37

I like Simply Cook - the meals are pretty fast and easy to cook, and we've enjoyed them all. It's my go to when I run out of ideas. You do have to buy the ingredients, but it's usually just basic stuff like meat and veg. Luckily DH does cook as well though at least once a week

notforonesecond · 28/02/2022 12:24

It’s really sad that it’s taken you losing weight to like yourself enough to realise that you deserve better than you’ve been getting. But it’s a feeling that I understand completely. Well done, you.

He’s probably shitting himself that his new, hot wife might give him his marching orders if he doesn’t keep you squashed down and knowing your place, running around doing everything while he plays computer games and scratches his balls.

If you love him and you want to, I reckon you can probably kick him into shape.

But have a good, long think about whether it’s worth the bother first - it definitely doesn’t sound like he’s adding much to your life at the moment.

Original poster
whatstheproblemguys · 28/02/2022 12:43

@notforonesecond

It’s really sad that it’s taken you losing weight to like yourself enough to realise that you deserve better than you’ve been getting. But it’s a feeling that I understand completely. Well done, you.

He’s probably shitting himself that his new, hot wife might give him his marching orders if he doesn’t keep you squashed down and knowing your place, running around doing everything while he plays computer games and scratches his balls.

If you love him and you want to, I reckon you can probably kick him into shape.

But have a good, long think about whether it’s worth the bother first - it definitely doesn’t sound like he’s adding much to your life at the moment.

That second paragraph made me laugh more than it should.

I definitely have a lot of thinking to do!

OP posts:
FizzyTango · 28/02/2022 12:58

Honestly this guy...the cooking and moaning thing is bad enough.

But the sleeping in and playing computer games EVERY day to the detriment of him doing anything helpful. You basically have a 3rd child op.

Value yourself more, you don't need to look after a giant manchild as well. Surely you can't even find him attractive if he behaves like this...

Hankunamatata · 28/02/2022 13:06

I meal plan for a month. Give it to dh and ask if he wants to add any meals etc. Then goes on the fridge. Dh responsible for meals twice a week. Usually he pays for chippie one night then makes something easy like pre made mash that he microwaves and sausages, pre made supermarket lasagne that he does with salad, recelt he started doing fajtias with a kit.