AIBU to not want to decide what we have for dinner EVERY night?!

[whatstheproblemguys]

I work part time, 3 days a week. My job requires me to leave home around 7.00 to get our 2 year old dropped to nursery and me to work to get sorted to be able to start at 8.15 and I finish at 4.30. I then go and pick up both kids, come home sort everyone out with dinner and bed and do a few extra hours of work once it's quiet. Husband works 9-5, starts at dead on 9 and finishes dead on 5 but is full time WFH.
On my days off I do the housework, food shopping and any other jobs that have arisen after the weekend and then I have a fairly quiet day where I prioritise doing something with the toddler that she would enjoy. Anyway, that's a little background.
So, onto my complaint. I cook EVERY evening. I do the shopping 95% of the time, and I make meals with whatever I manage to find on offer/reasonably priced. Husband is a self proclaimed awful cook. He's cooked for me twice in our entire 10 years we've been together. The first time was the day I'd come out of hospital after major surgery and he presented me with a still half frozen steak pie, a whole raw carrot and not cooked through boiled potatoes. The second time, he tried to make a curry, not only did it take him forever to do, he then managed to burn uncooked rice. It really is tragic.
He also has the cheek to moan about what I make, not because it's not nice but because we 'had this recently' or 'I'd have preferred mashed potatoes with this' which as you can imagine doesn't go down well.
So on the odd occasion I ask him, what do you want for dinner tonight, I always get 'well I don't know, I don't do the shopping' (no but you're perfectly capable of opening the fridge door and seeing what's in there) or 'I'm too busy to think about dinner right now'.
I'm so sick of having to decide what the dinner plans are, sick of cooking every night (bar the odd take out) and sick of the criticisms every time! I've tried the 'well why don't you cook, I can help' or 'why don't you tell me what you want and I'll get it' but I always get some stupid reply that pisses me off more.
So AIBU to have had enough? To not get any help or input or even a hint as to what to cook? I know there really are more important things happening in the world at the minute than my pathetic dramas but it's really wound me up tonight!

Just stop.

You're not his mother. Stop cooking for him. Make something quick for you and the little one. Feeding him is not your responsibility. Leave him to fend for himself. He will manage or he will go the way of the dodo (which would be no great loss!).

Being cooked for is a privilege. The only acceptable response is "Thank you".

Aha, I see what the problem is, your husband is pathetic.

If you actually want to save this relationship (I'm not sure why, because he clearly doesn't respect you or feel any sort of responsibility for his children...) Then you need to start taking steps to get him to take on his own share of responsibility. Cooking is just one bit of this.

First off I'd get a few things like ready made lasagne or whatever and get him to bang it in the oven so it's ready for you all getting in.

Second I'd give him a list of things that need doing that day around the house, he can choose to get up early and do them, lunch break or when he's finished work.

Start getting your shopping delivered between 5-6pm so he's home to deal with it and put it away etc.

Baby steps until he's a full adult in the relationship. Also please ensure you're bringing your kids up to be independent and not falling into the trap of doing everything for them too.

@Yotrotro

If you actually want to save this relationship (I'm not sure why, because he clearly doesn't respect you or feel any sort of responsibility for his children...) Then you need to start taking steps to get him to take on his own share of responsibility. Cooking is just one bit of this.

First off I'd get a few things like ready made lasagne or whatever and get him to bang it in the oven so it's ready for you all getting in.

Second I'd give him a list of things that need doing that day around the house, he can choose to get up early and do them, lunch break or when he's finished work.

Start getting your shopping delivered between 5-6pm so he's home to deal with it and put it away etc.

Baby steps until he's a full adult in the relationship. Also please ensure you're bringing your kids up to be independent and not falling into the trap of doing everything for them too.

I'm definitely going to make some big changes. Having seen from everyone's responses what a mug I'm being, I need to make sure he understands what he has!

Oh don't worry, my son is being taught right! He clears his plate away and puts it in the dishwasher, he sets the table before dinner, he helps me to make desserts or cut vegetables at the weekends and he clears up his toys before bed. At least I'm doing something right!

I couldn’t be with a man who plays two hours after work on computer games while I’m doing childcare and dinner. That alone would be a huge deal breaker. I split up with a guy obsessed with computer games when I was in early twenties because I knew if I went on to start a family with him we’d come second to his games.
You HAVE to be a team with small children. My DP isn’t the greatest cook but he has altered his working life so that he can do childcare pick ups twice a week. He cares for our daughter a full day alone so we can save on childcare while I work. He makes a nice frozen fish / ready made mash and beans meal, and gets up to do weekend breakfasts with our DD. He can make nice soup. He says thank you when I cook. He is more than happy to go and pick up the foodshop if I order the stuff. We each have our strengths and roles. You can’t do it all yourself.

He’s not acting like someone who’s on your team

He’s on his own team, and like you say, you just have to fit in around it, and make something he finds acceptable

I would suggest gousto or hello fresh but only if he does the cooking with you and you get him to chop vegetables

My DH has always been a gamer but when the DC were young it was after they were in bed and not every day and not for 2 hours and certainly not if there was still laundry or washing up or anything else that still needed doing after they were settled for the night!

It's not about gaming it's about selfishness and not doing his share.

Yanbu at all.

Take a week each. You take it in turns to choose menus for, so for and cook for that week.

Lazy bugger your h is. Thinking about what to eat each time takes emotional labour.

And if he can read, he can bloody cook. He's being pathetic on purpose.

He should definitely be doing the morning nursery run as he wfh and starts later than you, and probably the pick ups too. Or at least sharing them on your working days.

What on earth is his excuse for you having to leave at 7 to get LO to nursery when he’s at home, and you start work before he does, outside the home?

Critiquing your food is also an absolute no - does he think he’s employed a personal chef?

He should be cooking at least on the days when you’re out of the house - surely he can pick up a bit of work in the evening to work around his family?

Bloody hell OP, I have been getting fed up with my DH but yours makes me think I might be completely over reacting!

You say he's great with the kids...but how much time does he spend with them if he's on his computer until 7pm??

Even if he doesn't do the nursery drop off (not sure if there was a good reason why he can't, may have missed that) he can at least be up to help you get DC ready. I cannot believe how easy he has it. And the next complaint I got about the food would leave him with no dinner the next day. I'd just do enough for myself and the kids because fuck him basically!

My DH dying really cook. The mental load is exhausting now we get Gousto or hello fresh every week and re cooks 5/7 nights
You have more issues than mealtimes however

He can do something like chicken Kiev, savory rice and peas one night, oven pizzas and salad one night and treat you to a takeaway another. Until he gets better at cooking. My 11yo niece made bagged salad with extra bits and dressing, oven pizza and garlic bread the other night and it was lovely. And she is in primary school.

My other half who works from home does nursery drop off as I start work a bit earlier. I do most shopping and we share cooking but he probably does a bit more. Even if he doesn’t do more of the cooking he could do drop offs/pick ups and shopping/meal planning. Or some simple oven meals to be ready when you get home?

@Blueeyedgirl21 yes exactly. My now 13 yo has been able to make the odd bits and pieces since year 6. Pasta vegetable type sauces (so not much chance of giving people food poisoning) and that type of thing.

Gousto and Hello fresh are all well and good - and they are good IMO - but you have to tackle the actual problem which is a shit DH

I wouldn't bother trying to save your marriage.

It's not worth saving.

Your standards are sub ground level OP.

He plays games until dinner?

You are delusional if you think this waster is a good father.

He cares for no one but himself.

He certainly doesn't care for you or your children.

You need to return to work full time and to look at getting rid of your REAL EXCESS WEIGHT.....HIM.

He is the very definition of a shit husband and a shit father.

What a pity you let a few stone in weight becthe reason you thought you had to tolerate this.

He's no prize.

He's a waste of space.

I wouldn't tolerate such a lazy excuse around my children.

What an awful example of fatherhood he is.

In short, you deserve better.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
Feed the children and tell him he has to feed himself.
No laundry.
Do nothing that benefits him.

Tell family and friends the truth.
Get your paperwork together.
Do your figures.
Sort your job out.

Your marriage isn't worth saving.
You have given this waster 10 years.

Don't give him any more time.
Someone so selfish can't change.

The childminder story is so embarrassing.

If you can organise counselling I really think you should.

The fact that loosing weight has finally triggered you is so sad.

You always deserved the load being shared.

OMFG OP, if you need an alibi... FWIW my DH is also a gamer. He games in the evenings when everything is done so we essentially sit down at the same time. If I'm doing bedtime for our DCs then he is hoovering or sorting the kitchen etc.

I remember though he almost went down the lazy fucker route after I went back to work after mat leave, as I naturally did more during that year as he was working overtime to enable me to be off work and with the baby. I stopped doing his laundry, ate with the toddler and started putting all the shit he didn't clean or tidy into a huge box in the hallway. He got really pissed off when he found his hair encrusted razor sitting in a mouldy coffee cup. He sorted himself out when he realised we were not too far from divorce. It took several months for our relationship to rebuild tbh.

@billy1966 has it in a nutshell. I can't fathom how he thinks it's ok to game whilst you do everything else for two hours. He doesn't give a shit.

If you think an intervention might work then give it a go. Clearly it worked for my relationship but we were only a few years in then, and he'd been great before the mat leave...

Start with in dinner or lunch a week and ask him to cook it

*one

I just told my partner this situation. He said if he's not earning big money he shouldn't be playing games etc until 7pm.

@Jvg33

I just told my partner this situation. He said if he's not earning big money he shouldn't be playing games etc until 7pm.

Technically, I now earn more than him if I was to go full time. It's definitely not big money! We earn less than £50,000 a year as a household.

@Shutthefeontdoor (Constantly saying to my husband and kids 😂
I love your planning. Just want to ask how old were the kids when you started asking and how do you deal with say one that wants sausages three days in a row?