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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to decide what we have for dinner EVERY night?!

159 replies

whatstheproblemguys · 27/02/2022 18:50

I work part time, 3 days a week. My job requires me to leave home around 7.00 to get our 2 year old dropped to nursery and me to work to get sorted to be able to start at 8.15 and I finish at 4.30. I then go and pick up both kids, come home sort everyone out with dinner and bed and do a few extra hours of work once it's quiet. Husband works 9-5, starts at dead on 9 and finishes dead on 5 but is full time WFH.
On my days off I do the housework, food shopping and any other jobs that have arisen after the weekend and then I have a fairly quiet day where I prioritise doing something with the toddler that she would enjoy. Anyway, that's a little background.
So, onto my complaint. I cook EVERY evening. I do the shopping 95% of the time, and I make meals with whatever I manage to find on offer/reasonably priced. Husband is a self proclaimed awful cook. He's cooked for me twice in our entire 10 years we've been together. The first time was the day I'd come out of hospital after major surgery and he presented me with a still half frozen steak pie, a whole raw carrot and not cooked through boiled potatoes. The second time, he tried to make a curry, not only did it take him forever to do, he then managed to burn uncooked rice. It really is tragic.
He also has the cheek to moan about what I make, not because it's not nice but because we 'had this recently' or 'I'd have preferred mashed potatoes with this' which as you can imagine doesn't go down well.
So on the odd occasion I ask him, what do you want for dinner tonight, I always get 'well I don't know, I don't do the shopping' (no but you're perfectly capable of opening the fridge door and seeing what's in there) or 'I'm too busy to think about dinner right now'.
I'm so sick of having to decide what the dinner plans are, sick of cooking every night (bar the odd take out) and sick of the criticisms every time! I've tried the 'well why don't you cook, I can help' or 'why don't you tell me what you want and I'll get it' but I always get some stupid reply that pisses me off more.
So AIBU to have had enough? To not get any help or input or even a hint as to what to cook? I know there really are more important things happening in the world at the minute than my pathetic dramas but it's really wound me up tonight!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/02/2022 19:38

He needs to do some of the weekday pick ups so you can stay at work a bit longer and finish what needs doing - it's shit that you have to log on later to work while he does......?

curlii103 · 27/02/2022 19:39

Gousto! I love not having to meal plan and buy ingredients! Someone are a bit of a faff but there are plenty of easy ones too. Weve dine it for months now..i dont think its bad value 36 for 4 meals for 2 people and less stress is very valuable to me!

1forAll74 · 27/02/2022 19:40

Just have salads all the time, and so no cooking,, except a boiled egg sometimes, you will all be healthy then, and save on the gas and electric.

A580Hojas · 27/02/2022 19:41

He starts work at 9, he can do the nursery drop off for a start. What a dweeb.

Snowpaw · 27/02/2022 19:42

He could, at the very least, put jacket potatoes in the oven, open some tins of tuna and sweet corn and grate some cheese. There are very simple non-skill required meals that he could take responsibility for once or twice a week. Or things he could take out of the freezer and cook, with a bag of salad. It’s not fair on you to have that mental burden seven days a week.

hashbrownsandwich · 27/02/2022 19:43

I posted the same thing about a year ago. I do 3 x 12 hour shifts a week and have 3 kids and DH.

Now I just plan what I want, order it for delivery from Tesco on a Sunday and no one moans because if they dared, they know they'd have to do it themselves!

luxxlisbon · 27/02/2022 19:45

It is not on you to look for alternatives, don’t order takeaways, don’t bother with gusto, don’t google simple recipes etc.
Give him 2/3/however many nights a week as his nights and leave him to it. Do not get the food in for it, don’t baby him and just let him get on with it.

He will soon learn.

So over it with these men who think they great enough to succeed at a corporate job but are too dim to google a recipe, buy the ingredients and follow the simple instructions.

WhatNoReally · 27/02/2022 19:47

I get it. I do all the cooking and don't mind but I do sometimes get sick of having to think about it all the time. DH knows not to complain. What really pisses me off is when DH wants a snack and says 'what can I eat?'. I don't fucking know! I don't know what you feel like and your eyes work just as well as mine for looking in the cupboard!

1Dandelion1 · 27/02/2022 19:48

Meal plan before you shop, if he and others aren't forthcoming with suggestions they can cram it.

Also batch cook versatile things like mince so you only need to cook pasta or add mash. I cook off 4 meals worth of mince and veg at a time and with my vacuum sealer freeze the pack flat so they defrost quickly and store easily.

Googlecanthelpme · 27/02/2022 19:48

Well no of course you’re not unreasonable OP.

But the bottom line is that you’ve allowed this to be the status quo.

No one is so useless that they can’t produce beans on toast or shove a pre bought lasagne in the oven and follow the instructions.

And if your DP is that useless then I suggest you tell him to learn sharpish,

If you want to do the shopping in store for the bargains then I’d say when you get home, make a rough meal plan for the week and stick it to the fridge. Choose the basic meals that DH can knock up. You may have to help him realistically because you don’t go from being fucking useless to being useful overnight.

There’s no point telling him to do the shopping and organise the meals because he will fail and it’ll be a waste of time and money and you’ll end up taking over anyway.
But if you get him involved and give him direction and responsibility - along with showing him how to do it, then eventually he will hopefully have the basics and be able to do some stuff alone without direction.

It would annoy me too OP but I’ve got to be honest, I don’t feel like you’ve got a right to complain if you’ve just allowed this to become the reality. It’s bordering on martyr status

1Dandelion1 · 27/02/2022 19:49

Also cooking lessons for Christmas/birthday!

converseandjeans · 27/02/2022 19:52

Not the point of the thread - but why do you have to take toddler out the house so early. Can't DH do nursery drop off on the days you work?

Suprima · 27/02/2022 19:53

I don’t think I’d be able to get wet for a man this incompetent

watchingthedetectives · 27/02/2022 19:53

Agree with all PPs who have said Gousto - previously useless cook DH now makes reliable tasty Gousto dinners and can even freestyle a little ( unheard of before)

The portions are generous and there is usually enough for you to take the leftovers for lunch.

Try one of the offers ( its usually half price at the beginning) and see if you like it.

Alaimo · 27/02/2022 19:54

YANBU. DH and I both work full time but we sit down evey Monday, and the general rule is that we suggest 3 dishes each and the person who suggests it, cooks it. DH used to think he couldn't cook anything with more than half a dozen or so ingredients, but that was just because the first attempt at a new dish was often not very good and then he'd never try to cook it again. I now try to be specific if he tries to cook something new and the result isn't great and encourage him to try again but 'lower the heat/try a different type of noodle/use slightly more of X spice' etc. Often the second attempt is now pretty good.

AlwaysLatte · 27/02/2022 19:55

I think those Gousto type meals are a waste of money if you have lots of time but in certain circumstances they're brilliant. Just sign up and take it in turns to cook?

Confusedteacher · 27/02/2022 19:55

“Can’t cook” is bollocks, sorry. What did he do before he met you? What would he do if something happened to you and he had to look after DC? It is seriously not hard- he is a grown adult who is able to hold down a job. He can read the instructions on a packet of pasta and heat up a sauce, or stick something in the oven.

We do a meal plan at the start of the week, and loosely decide who will cook, depending on who is getting home from work first that day. One day a week I have to start prepping then leave to take DD to football, DH arrives after I’ve left and continues where I’ve left off!

I think on the days you are out at work he should cook. Start off with making it a pizza night or pasta and ready made sauce and then gradually build up from there. Do you have sons? Do you really want them growing up with this as a role model?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/02/2022 19:56

YANB in the slightest bit U, @whatstheproblemguys!

I once cried, in the middle of the bakery aisle in Tesco, because I was so sick of the treadmill of meal planning, shopping list making, shopping, putting away the shopping, cooking, listening to the whinges about things they didn’t like, and then repeating the whole damn thing the next week!

I actually planned a week of microwave/ready meals - one trip to M&S food hall, and then no cooking for the whole week - I’ve never actually done it, but just planning it has helped me carry on.

Things have got better since Ds1 and ds2 moved out - and to be fair, dh does most of the cooking now (because I have long covid), but I still have to do the meal planning and the online supermarket order. And thanks to brain fog, whenever I sit down to do the meal plan, I can think of five different meals, tops.

spacehardware · 27/02/2022 19:57

Genuine question : how do women bring themselves to have sex with these apparently hopeless men? Isn't it repulsive?

MrsWarleggan · 27/02/2022 19:59

I could have written your post OP.

Fed up with it.

The other reply thar gets right on my tits after the what do you want for dinner is: "I don't know, what do you fancy?"

No! I've fucking asked YOU!!!!

SamuraiPizzaCats · 27/02/2022 20:01

@Shutthefeontdoor

I get the meal planner out on Friday at dinner and nobody leaves the table until the whole following week is planned as I shop on a Saturday. If nobody makes suggestions then I tell them it’s my choice and no complaints!!! As for him not cooking … my two teenagers cook a meal one meal together every week. Something simple and I’ve had to show them at first and was asked questions for a few times but now they just get on with it and it gives me a break once a week.
This is such a good idea. That's going in my arsenal immediately.
spacehardware · 27/02/2022 20:01

"I don’t think I’d be able to get wet for a man this incompetent"

I see my point has already been made - had only skimmed

ItoldyouIwastrouble · 27/02/2022 20:02

If you clean, shop and take care of the children on your days off then nursery drop offs/pickups and cooking should be split evenly. Can you hace a discussion about dividing these tasks out. It's crazy you are leaving the house at 7 and then catching up with work after cooking for everyone. No wonder you are stressed and fed up. Could you say that one of you does the nursery drop off and the other cooks. Starting off with you mainly cooking, him doing the drop offs, becoming more even as he gets more confident in the kitchen. He needs to step up.

Original poster
whatstheproblemguys · 27/02/2022 20:08

@Shutthefeontdoor

I get the meal planner out on Friday at dinner and nobody leaves the table until the whole following week is planned as I shop on a Saturday. If nobody makes suggestions then I tell them it’s my choice and no complaints!!! As for him not cooking … my two teenagers cook a meal one meal together every week. Something simple and I’ve had to show them at first and was asked questions for a few times but now they just get on with it and it gives me a break once a week.
Oooo I like this plan! Never thought of doing this!
OP posts:
ScruffGin · 27/02/2022 20:08

I'm in a similar situation, but he'd never complain about the food, and he knows if he did, I'd hand the reins over to him!

Some suggestions that may be helpful though:

  • one or two meals a week that are very very easy, pizza and salad, jacket potato and beans/cheese, breaded chicken and wedges etc and they are his responsibility to cook
  • make a 4 week meal plan and a shopping list for each week. Takes ages, but once done, it saves so much time. Because it's not a weekly one it doesn't get repetitive.
  • try one of the meal delivery things, gousto etc (never tried them though, so not sure how they are)
  • spice tailor - they are pouches of spices and sauce, you cook your chicken/veg etc quickly, add them and put with some rice etc (if he can't be trusted, use microwave rice!). They're so quick and easy.
  • whenever you do something like Bolognese, double it and freeze half. Quick meal when you can't be bothered and doesn't take much longer initially (can also be planned on the 4 week planner for a known busy night)
  • mashed potato also freezes well, so double that when you do it, makes it easier another night, just re-mash after heating and add more butter