AIBU to not want to decide what we have for dinner EVERY night?!

[whatstheproblemguys]

I work part time, 3 days a week. My job requires me to leave home around 7.00 to get our 2 year old dropped to nursery and me to work to get sorted to be able to start at 8.15 and I finish at 4.30. I then go and pick up both kids, come home sort everyone out with dinner and bed and do a few extra hours of work once it's quiet. Husband works 9-5, starts at dead on 9 and finishes dead on 5 but is full time WFH.
On my days off I do the housework, food shopping and any other jobs that have arisen after the weekend and then I have a fairly quiet day where I prioritise doing something with the toddler that she would enjoy. Anyway, that's a little background.
So, onto my complaint. I cook EVERY evening. I do the shopping 95% of the time, and I make meals with whatever I manage to find on offer/reasonably priced. Husband is a self proclaimed awful cook. He's cooked for me twice in our entire 10 years we've been together. The first time was the day I'd come out of hospital after major surgery and he presented me with a still half frozen steak pie, a whole raw carrot and not cooked through boiled potatoes. The second time, he tried to make a curry, not only did it take him forever to do, he then managed to burn uncooked rice. It really is tragic.
He also has the cheek to moan about what I make, not because it's not nice but because we 'had this recently' or 'I'd have preferred mashed potatoes with this' which as you can imagine doesn't go down well.
So on the odd occasion I ask him, what do you want for dinner tonight, I always get 'well I don't know, I don't do the shopping' (no but you're perfectly capable of opening the fridge door and seeing what's in there) or 'I'm too busy to think about dinner right now'.
I'm so sick of having to decide what the dinner plans are, sick of cooking every night (bar the odd take out) and sick of the criticisms every time! I've tried the 'well why don't you cook, I can help' or 'why don't you tell me what you want and I'll get it' but I always get some stupid reply that pisses me off more.
So AIBU to have had enough? To not get any help or input or even a hint as to what to cook? I know there really are more important things happening in the world at the minute than my pathetic dramas but it's really wound me up tonight!

I'd set an alarm at 7 so he has to get up & he can get kids ready & drop off.

I'd turn WiFi off at 5 too ! Get him to pick hello fresh boxes. He can then follow the recipes & prepare dinner

So for 10 YEARS you've enabled this ungrateful man child to walk all over you? Christ on a bike. I'd have been pissed off after 10 weeks.

This is stressing me out. You are married to this person. If you had a conversation, stated everything you’ve said in this thread, expressed your unhappiness with doing all the cooking/the chore split/his attitude, what would happen? Would he give a shit?

I work full time, but also pay all bulls, do all food shopping, all cooking, washing, all kids club bookings, Holiday bookings, everything except iron his shirts.

Why, why, why do women put up with this shit?

Why do they do it?

What do they think would happen if they hadn't got married? Their husband would have starved to death surrounded by filth and never gone anywhere ever?

Stop giving your children this TERRIBLE example, please.

Sorry, didn't finish. 5-7 he's playing computer games. Once he finishes work he just stays on his computer, we don't see him until I call for dinner

He is walking all over you.

You are laying down and letting him.

@A580Hojas

He starts work at 9, he can do the nursery drop off for a start. What a dweeb.

Dweeb 😂 one of my favourite insults

The food thing is shit but I get it, mine really struggles with what to make and how long it takes - his is his adhd though. So we compromise- I mostly cook (we’d all have to eat at 9pm if I left it to him and obvs kids need tea at 5/6. So he does most of the laundry- everything else we share.

OP is ignoring all the "WTAF" posts and homing in on the "what are they like eh girls, men!" posts

Genuinely bizarre

I can understand women tolerating men who are actually abusive - they're scared. This is a bizarre kind of enabling tho

@billy1966

Your husband sounds like a lazy arsehole.

What exactly is his appeal?

Ten years of this?

Your 3 working days are very long.

He has no drops/ collecting and you are doing far too much.

Kindly, you sound like a bit of a mug.

Doing to much and that twat is complaining?

What is the dynamic in your relationship that you have tolerated this?

Are you afraid of him?

I ask because I am genuinely wondering why you tolerate this.

It's a fair question. After I had my kids I gained a lot of weight and just had no self worth. I was worried that making a fuss would make him leave me because I couldn't understand why he would like me, other than for our beautiful babies. He never said or did anything to make me feel like that but in my head, that was what I'd though. 6 months ago I made a decision to lose the weight and start looking out for myself and have lost 4 stone and now actually value myself and feel good in my skin. It's made me look at everything differently.

It’s expensive (about £1k) but buy a Thermomix. It has guided recipes that even a small child can follow. Basically you Chuck in the ingredients when it asks for them and it does the rest. Curries are very easy! Then he will have no ruddy excuse.

he moans something chronic when I take freezer sauce out. Says 'it doesn't taste the same'.

How is he not under your patio already

OP I rarely say this but you're a mug. Running around after an ungrateful, lazy man child. With every post it just gets worse. My 9 year old with SEN does more round the house.

He doesn't love you. Sorry but he can't. If you love someone you don't treat them like shit.

Does he not even do bedtime? He plays games for two hours every night?

My god he’s a lazy fucker isn’t he. What on earth attracts you to him?

6 months ago I made a decision to lose the weight and start looking out for myself and have lost 4 stone and now actually value myself and feel good in my skin. It's made me look at everything differently.

I'm really pleased to read this.

Well done OP on looking after yourself. How wonderful you can see you're worth more than you're getting.

Why don't you tell him he's in charge of food Saturday and 1 other night. He can shop for it and cook it or order in. Nothing to do with you.

Do the same with some other jobs. E.g. He now cleans the bathroom. It's up to him when.

I also couldn't be doing with someone gaming like you say he does.

I'm not sure what he brings to your family. Apart from money, which presumably you'd still get if you weren't together.

Have been in a similar situation. I sympathise entirely it's a real relationship killer.

I did find that meal kits helped a bit, tried a few and I'd recommend Hello Fresh, and then focus on the meals that take 10-20 mins to prepare to start with. From experience with an unconfident cook, they found HF easier to follow and the bagged kits they provide just made things less hassle, it really is cooking for dummies. Gousto had more interesting and varied options but it was quite faffy and not always well explained.

Say that from now on you'll do dinner every other night and your husband sorts it out the rest of time. Aside from that, do you get paid for the extra hours work you do in evenings? You are losing valuable me time if not.

Well now you've made some personal changes you need to lay down some changes in your relationship too. There's no excuse for him gaming between 5-7pm. He could be watching you and picking up some tips.

I can't cook to save my life, can't even boil an egg, DH does it all, but I do everything else in the house.

Surely he can Chuck some ready made tortellini and a pot of sauce in a pan. Or baked potatoes in the oven and grate some cheese. Or ready made fish cakes or veggie bakes in the oven ...

Obviously ltb

But to get out of having to decide meals we moved to a 4 week rotation menu. Variety enough but it's all planned out, weekly shop is easy, no arguments about what to have and food waste has reduced dramatically. No buying chicken and then forgetting to cook it before the use by date because if its out of date before the meal plan states then it goes in the freezer. We built on Flexi meals to it to allow us a takeaway or a meal out every other week, and it's all planned around our different work days/times and meals are allocated to either me or dh to cook depending on who is in.

My dh does no cooking and no shopping. We both work fulltime now but I was a SAHM when the dc were small. He is also a workaholic so did little or no domestic stuff or childcare at all.

BUT he was always grateful and always complimentary.

@spacehardware

OP is ignoring all the "WTAF" posts and homing in on the "what are they like eh girls, men!" posts

Genuinely bizarre

I can understand women tolerating men who are actually abusive - they're scared. This is a bizarre kind of enabling tho

I guess I've just let him be lazy and never made a fuss. When we first moved in together we shared things. I cooked and he cleared up. Then when I had our first DC, I took over everything because I was at home. The. I went back to work and carried on doing everything, whilst he settled into doing what he wanted to do, which was computer games. I'd gained a lot of weight (probably 5 stone) and just had no self worth. I was worried that making a fuss would make him leave me because I couldn't understand why he would like me, other than for our beautiful babies. He never said or did anything to make me feel like that but in my head, that was what I'd thought, so feeling shitty about myself I just got on with it. I genuinely don't think he realises how much of a prick he sounds when he moans, because despite my face or comments or the strop that follows, he acts like nothing happens. 6 months ago I made a decision to lose the weight and start looking out for myself and have lost 4 stone and now actually value myself and feel good in my skin. It's made me look at everything differently.

Don't get me wrong, he's great with the kids, he loves us all dearly but he just literally does what he wants to do and fits us in around it. He sees that as his payback for doing a job he doesn't really enjoy but it affords me to spend 2 days would our baby until she starts school.

Like I said, I'm starting to realise that I'm an idiot for putting up with it, and if he doesn't start making some changes, I'm going to have to make some pretty serious ones.

After your updates I'd be on the verge of divorce!!!

Why does he get extra sleep abs extra leisure time?

Well done for making the changes to start valuing yourself and improving your self esteem.

You deserve FAR more than he is offering you. He is a lazy twat who is taking you for granted.

I hope the mist continues to clear for you and you realise you can do so much better.

@ISmellBurnings

Does he not even do bedtime? He plays games for two hours every night?

My god he’s a lazy fucker isn’t he. What on earth attracts you to him?

He reads our oldest a story before bed, I do the bath, changing, clothes in the washing, teeth, medication and putting the little one to bed.

My DH always said he couldn’t cook (despite having a PhD in chemistry!). When he semi retired and I upped my hours to full time I said he had to cook now. I started getting hello fresh boxes and he follows the recipes. Works really well for us and he has some pride now in what he cooks.