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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

529 replies

woodenstuck · 27/02/2022 14:29

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

OP posts:
zingally · 28/02/2022 16:14

What you are seeing is the difference between having 1 kid, and having 4. Nothing more.

UsernameInTheTown · 28/02/2022 16:16

Sorry OP your friend's life sounds so much like my life I stopped to rack my brain to think of a friend with 4 boys.
It is lovely, a gorgeous calm and relaxed existence which I would recommend to anyone.
I reckon the nuclear family was definitely designed solely to benefit men. Only 1 of the many women I regularly speak to is genuinely happy in her life, and it's unflinchly allways the man who is the root of the discontent and unhappiness.

MissMaple82 · 28/02/2022 16:22

It really annoys me when people assume their stress or pain or whatever it may be, is more considerable than others!

MissMaple82 · 28/02/2022 16:23

I sense resentment that she has supportive family too. You don't sound like a great friend to be honest

Isonthecase · 28/02/2022 16:28

Yeah, I can see how a parent of an older child who doesn't have to work would be calmer than a house of 4 boys including a toddler and two working parents... Maybe things will calm down when yours are all older too?

Primadonna1 · 28/02/2022 16:30

I get along famously with both DIL
& daughter . The post was about daughter envy I was just ‘ bigging ‘ up the boys to reassure the poster boys are not all bad .

thanktor · 28/02/2022 16:30

@UsernameInTheTown

Sorry OP your friend's life sounds so much like my life I stopped to rack my brain to think of a friend with 4 boys. It is lovely, a gorgeous calm and relaxed existence which I would recommend to anyone. I reckon the nuclear family was definitely designed solely to benefit men. Only 1 of the many women I regularly speak to is genuinely happy in her life, and it's unflinchly allways the man who is the root of the discontent and unhappiness.
Ditto

I have two though
But the absence of a man probably equals about three extra children

Very happy. All three of us.

JellyOnAPlatewithicecream · 28/02/2022 16:36

@SleepingStandingUp
My life is busy, exhausting and hugely fulfilling. So what was it when you oy had one? And for Alll those pitying the mom of one's. Did you really think God you're so tedious, there's only one of you. I better have more so I'm not so bored and pathetic all day? At what number did your life get good? Three? Four? Did you just not really like the first ones as life with one is soooo awful to comprehend?

Haha so true, I find one busy, exhausting and hugely fulfilling. And there are also other things in life that can contribute to being busy, exhausted and hugely fulfilled such as work, friends, hobbies etc.. without the need to keep having more children (and which in fact become harder to maintain with more children). I can see the plus side to big and small families, but as someone else observed it does seem to be more often the people with bigger families that are making comments putting the smaller families down saying they're probably lonely / sad / not good at socialising etc etc than the other way around which is interesting! Seems to be more resentment going that way for some reason.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/02/2022 16:40

I can see the plus side to big and small families, but as someone else observed it does seem to be more often the people with bigger families that are making comments putting the smaller families down saying they're probably lonely / sad / not good at socialising etc etc than the other way around which is interesting! Seems to be more resentment going that way for some reason.

Absolutely this. It's been both fascinating and depressing to see this play out on the threads and I don't even have kids yet. Which probably means I'm not allowed an opinion according to some of the previous posters!

TheChronicalTales · 28/02/2022 16:46

@NoSleepNoSleep

I'm not sure what you are jealous about? If anything I'd pitty her, still at uni, no partner and an only child, sounds sad. The only thing I can think you might want that she has is a daughter? I have 3 young children (1 girl) and I'm married, I love the chaos, the noise, everything that goes with 3 children. I imagine having no adult company and the child no other children to play with must be a lonely existence for them both, I'm sure they make the best of a bad situation so what you see seems appealing.
What a ridiculous comment. My Mum was 18 when she had me. Went to uni from the age of 22-25, so I was 7 when she finished. We were really close and had an amazing bond. My Dad fucked off when I was young so unlike OPs friend she did it all alone.

She met my step dad just after she finished uni and had my first sibling when I was 12 and my second when I was 14. I love them, obviously, but I wasn’t lonely and I much preferred being an only child. I remember people asking me if I wanted a brother or sister when I was young and I’d reply “ewwww no”. Grin

The best part of my childhood was the time where it was just me and my Mum. Even my Mum comments that was her favourite time. There was definitely no bad situation there at all. I got my Mum’s full undevoted attention, we never had to take anyone else into consideration and now we are very close because of it. I hated going over to friends houses where they had annoying siblings who we had to put up with. I think the only potential con of being an only child is you don’t learn to share and can be slightly selfish, but I loved it and was never lonely and being an only child for so long certainly never did me any damage.

My Mum and step dad split a few years ago and she often comments on how different her life would have been if it would have stayed the two of us. She obviously wouldn’t change my siblings for the world but she wouldn’t be stuck at home alone with two almost teenagers now. I see the upbringing my siblings are receiving now and whilst it’s nice they are so close in age and have each other, I feel kind of bad for them because they will always have to share and compete for attention and they’ll never get to experience what I did growing up which was so lovely.

Chikapu · 28/02/2022 17:54

@Dweetfidilove

I'm saddened by all the grown ups tripping over themselves to make the friend's life less than or wishing ill on her daughter, just to balance out OP's issues ☹.
It's repulsive.
bookworm14 · 28/02/2022 18:14

A sizeable minority on MN has always had a problem with only children.

Katie2017 · 28/02/2022 19:35

So the friend isn't allowed to be stressed with uni just because you had loads of kids? Not really fair to her is it she's allowed to moan about uni stressing her out, it's not a competition.

Gardeningcreature · 28/02/2022 20:19

Without wanting to kick you op, you are modelling bickering, arguing, fighting etc with your husband. You are both role models and it is up to you and your dh to model calm, compassion and compromise.
Why don’t you and your dh concentrate on 2 children each night and spent time with them say 20 mins each. Swap around do all 4 children get quality time with each of you.
I see you have a 13 year old so their needs are different to your 2 year olds. Why don’t you alternate bathing and reading to your 2 year old with your dh. Then one if you spends time with the next youngest asking about their day reading to them settling then into bed etc.
I do not accept all this nonsense about ‘boys will be boys’ crap. Your bits primary role model is their father, what exactly is he doing in all this chaos?
There are 2 adults here and in all honesty you are being ridiculous saying you cannot cope.
You are not a single aren’t to 10 children.
You did choose to have 4 children so of course the dynamics are different to your friend with one child.
All the only child bashing on here is stupid.
There isn’t anything wrong at all with having just one child.
Work on the friction points, if it’s tea time then work on a plan with your dh to make it less stressful.
Is your dh pulling his weight? Or will your boys be amongst the many who grow up with a terrible role model of what a father and husband is? Maybe it’s him you need to work on.

ClarasZoo · 28/02/2022 20:24

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head. See how lovely it is when she’s 14😂

Associatepeggy · 28/02/2022 20:34

@ClarasZoo

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head. See how lovely it is when she’s 14😂
🙄🙄
BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 20:36

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head. See how lovely it is when she’s 14

Fucking hell. People actually say this shit.

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

arethereanyleftatall · 28/02/2022 20:37

@ClarasZoo

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head. See how lovely it is when she’s 14😂
Oh just fuck off now. Read the thread and read the room.
WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 28/02/2022 20:37

@ClarasZoo

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head. See how lovely it is when she’s 14😂
Bloody hell, what an absolute pile of shit this is.
GreenLunchBox · 28/02/2022 20:58

@ClarasZoo

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head. See how lovely it is when she’s 14😂
Are you ok in the head?
Biglipsmurphy · 28/02/2022 20:59

I have one child and of course it's much calmer than four but that's a choice that people make. It actually wasn't my choice to only have one, but it's worked out very well. We're very happy with each other. It's just the other side of the coin. I feel like there's a bias on mumsnet towards 'big' families and the assumption that all kids need a sibling or they'll internally combust or something. It's horseshit. Yes, I'm sure big families can be a gang and play so beautifully together yadda yadda. The other side is that it must be noisy, stressful and a shed load of work. Obviously we miss out on lots of siblings and the fun of that, but our silver lining is that we're incredibly close, we have a calm, restful house and we have lots of time to spend together. Neither is the 'right' way to do a family but both have advantages and disadvantages. Of course I would have liked another son or daughter but I enjoy the benefits of one because there's not much I can do about infertility unfortunately.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2022 21:00

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I can see the plus side to big and small families, but as someone else observed it does seem to be more often the people with bigger families that are making comments putting the smaller families down saying they're probably lonely / sad / not good at socialising etc etc than the other way around which is interesting! Seems to be more resentment going that way for some reason.

Absolutely this. It's been both fascinating and depressing to see this play out on the threads and I don't even have kids yet. Which probably means I'm not allowed an opinion according to some of the previous posters!

For clarity I have three boys Inc toddler twins 😭 but I loved it when it was just me and DS (and DH) too. Life is just DIFFERENT now with so many many kids
ldontWanna · 28/02/2022 21:07

@ClarasZoo

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head. See how lovely it is when she’s 14😂
You obviously didn't grow out of it.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/02/2022 21:14

@ClarasZoo

Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head. See how lovely it is when she’s 14

This isn't a thing. Plenty of girls don't 'mess up your head' and are still lovely kids when they are teenagers.

Saying something so ridiculous doesn't do anything other than make you look silly. And not exactly lovely yourself.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2022 21:19

@NoSleepNoSleep what goady bollocks. And I say that as someone married with three boys.

I can understand why you think if she hasn't got a husband she must be lonely because I cannot imagine with an attitude like yours that you have many friends.

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