To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

[woodenstuck]

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

In the 8 years since her daughters been born I have never heard her shout at her daughter. Whereas I'm screaming my head off everyday.

Erm... I think this says more about you than about her.

You chose to have 4 kids. Your set up is your own decision. I wouldn't want a 'friend' like you.

I'm saddened by all the grown ups tripping over themselves to make the friend's life less than or wishing ill on her daughter, just to balance out OP's issues ☹.

I'm married with three boys and my sister is divorced with one daughter. I wouldn't swap with her for the world! My life is busy, exhausting and hugely fulfilling. I love the different dynamics between the boys, holidays are so much fun, they always have someone to hang out with. My niece is always at our house too because she's lonely at home...and her mom almost treats her as a flatmate rather than a daughter cos she's her sole company a lot of the time. There are pros and cons to all lifestyles, but four sons...you are truly blessed. Don't compare!

@Dweetfidilove

I'm saddened by all the grown ups tripping over themselves to make the friend's life less than or wishing ill on her daughter, just to balance out OP's issues ☹.

Yeah, god forbid that anyone might actually be happy....

but four sons...you are truly blessed. Don't compare!

So because she has one daughter she isn't "truly blessed"? I can't believe what I'm reading.

My life is busy, exhausting and hugely fulfilling.

My life is busy, exhausting and fulfiling and I only have one child.

@WhateverHappenedToFayWray

but four sons...you are truly blessed. Don't compare!

So because she has one daughter she isn't "truly blessed"? I can't believe what I'm reading.

My life is busy, exhausting and hugely fulfilling.

My life is busy, exhausting and fulfiling and I only have one child.

Yep, me too.

@WhateverHappenedToFayWray

but four sons...you are truly blessed. Don't compare!

So because she has one daughter she isn't "truly blessed"? I can't believe what I'm reading.

My life is busy, exhausting and hugely fulfilling.

My life is busy, exhausting and fulfiling and I only have one child.

But PP didn't say that. Saying someone is blessed for what they have doesn't mean others aren't blessed in other ways.

People are taking offence when there is no need 🙄.

My life is busy, exhausting and hugely fulfilling. So what was it when you oy had one? And for Alll those pitying the mom of one's. Did you really think God you're so tedious, there's only one of you. I better have more so I'm not so bored and pathetic all day? At what number did your life get good? Three? Four? Did you just not really like the first ones as life with one is soooo awful to comprehend?

One child compared to four, of course it’s easier for her!

And there are just the 2 of them in the house so it will be easy to keep clean and tidy, a relaxing space.

Why did you have 4 if you wanted a relaxing lifestyle?

People are taking offence when there is no need

You don't think someone saying that their life is more fulfilling than yours because they have more children isn't offensive? What the fuck must they think of the people that choose not to have children?

@spacehardware

Console yourself that in Gilmore Girls Rory grew up to be an aimless drifter after spending her life being golden child of Stars Hollow.

🤣🤣🤣

@HumunaHey

have you seen the posts suggesting the mum and daughter have a sad life, should be pitied, that only children are strange

So what was it when you oy had one? And for Alll those pitying the mom of one's. Did you really think God you're so tedious, there's only one of you. I better have more so I'm not so bored and pathetic all day? At what number did your life get good? Three? Four? Did you just not really like the first ones as life with one is soooo awful to comprehend?

Exactly. I loved my life when I had one child. Then I had another and I loved it just as much. I also loved my life before children.

People are very defensive. I'm happy with my lot is all. No, I never wanted one, I grew up in a busy house and I wanted a busy house myself. This impression of chaos others give isn't true fore...busy yes, but structured. Kids or no kids though I would have been busy cos i like life like that. I know others who need/want a lot of chill time and that's fine for them.

OMG the projecting from all corners on this thread- arghh.

People make different choices, there will be pros and cons to both sided. The issue here is comparison, it only causes negative feeling.

Try and make small changes to your life that will help you feel more fulfilled there. That’s the only thing you can do. I alway find when I’m feeling negatively about someone it almost always comes back to an issue I have with my life.

People are very defensive. I'm happy with my lot is all
And yet in saying how busy, exhausting and hugely fulfilling your life is you just couldn't stop yourself putting the boot in to your sister and your niece. Your post had a horrible tone to it, as evidenced by all the people that felt they had to comment on it. As an aside I always find that people that have to wax lyrical about how amazingly happy and fulfilled they are usually very far from it. People that are genuinely happy don't need to announce it to the world and put down other people whilst they are doing it

1 vs 4 kids is really hard to compare. Your lives are just different. Enjoy what you have and maybe ask your kids to contribute to cleaning or at least tidying up their rooms.

@JudesBiggestFan

People are very defensive. I'm happy with my lot is all. No, I never wanted one, I grew up in a busy house and I wanted a busy house myself. This impression of chaos others give isn't true fore...busy yes, but structured. Kids or no kids though I would have been busy cos i like life like that. I know others who need/want a lot of chill time and that's fine for them.

People are defensive because there's been almost 20 pages of pp saying single mothers with only children are a combination of lonely/sad/weird/full of resentment/something to be pitied/feeling guilty and jealous of people with husbands and multiple children. You could have made your point without comparing your family to your sister's.

I might be wrong but it seems that on this thread...

Everyone who is single/has or was an only child and is happy with their lot, has said they're happy without putting those who have chosen different paths down.

Everyone who has a large nuclear family and is happy with their lot, has said they're happy by putting down those who've chosen quieter lives.

Anecdotal of course, but very interesting.

But I am happy. Of course you have no way of checking g but it's true. The OP was someone basically saying how awful life was with multiple boys and that's not my experience at all. It's joyful...for me. If you're happy with one then why be defensive? Honestly, I spend my life with people going 'oh god, three boys!' And looking horrified. I care not a jot! If life had seen fit that I had one daughter then I'm sure id have been happy with that too (although I wouldn't have intentionally chosen one). Maybe the point about my sister sounds horrible, but it's true. It's a very lonely life for them both...increasingly so now my niece is a teen. She feels responsible for her mom's aloneness, my sister has built her entire life around her daughter and us finding it hard to let go. That's just one scenario in a million though...every family is different.

There's a difference between joking about your life and it being hectic and other people insisting you're sad and miserable. It's also not very convincing when people claim to be constantly happy.

Everyone's life has ups and downs. I'm have a partner, more than one child. I'm satisfied but I'm not bleating on about how happy like some posters are.

...(While simultaneously putting others down)

Reminds m of a family member who'd insist how great it is with 4 boys and all the praise that goes with it. Behind closed doors, there's a lot of shouting and beating, and zero attention or affection.

With all due respect. You chose to have 4 children, no one held a gun to your head and forced you. I chose to stop at 2 because I didn’t want to live with the chaos that a big family brings.

You are allowed to be a bit envious of your friend. The grass always appears greener on the other side. Maybe she’s also envious of you, maybe she’s not.

But whatever your feelings are valid. It’s natural to look at others and wonder what life would be like if things had turned out differently. But don’t waste too much time pining over a life you don’t have. You chose to bring 4 children into this world. Enjoy them.

I was chatting with friends recently about different family dynamics according to number of children, and the consensus was that with one DC the parents sort of carry on as they were pre-kids, with the child fitting in.

With two, the kids come first but you still get to do a lot of the stuff you did before. With three or more though, in our experience, it becomes much more insular as there is just so much family stuff to do, there's rarely time for anything or anyone else.

All the only-children I've known growing up were/are way more confident and self-possessed than ones with siblings - they've never had to share their parent's love with anyone.

People are defined far more by their relationship with their siblings than by their relationship with their parents.