To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

[woodenstuck]

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

Also some kids like quiet houses! Some people are quiet people. Perfectly happy, content, absolute fine just introverts who enjoy peaceful environments. That doesn't automatically make them unhappy, lonely or depressed whether they are 8 or 80!

I can't believe people are actually judging this woman for having one child. Is that not her choice? Are there rules that you need to have more than one now? I have one child and, not that I need to explain myself, but if I had another then I would struggle financially. I grew up like in a family that struggled for money and it was hard. My DD also has severe SEN and would find it really difficult if was to have another child, and I probably would too so why would I do that? Does that make me a shit mum with a sad existence?

Just popping on to prop up Team "it's absolutely fine to be an only child"

I'm an only. Didn't really care one way or another if I'd had siblings or not - I had a great life with my family and friends as a child and I've grown up well adjusted, socially competent and solvent with many interests and a fulfilling career ( and husband).

It's horses for courses whether you have one child or several. But the smug pity extended to Onlys really makes me angry.

As you were.

It's nothing to do with her having a daughter or being a single parent, it's because she has one child. I would be under no illusion that having more than one child would increase the chaos in my life, I don't know why you didn't when you decided to have four OP. I have one child, a boy, we are very close, our house is calm and tidy, we spend a lot of time together, there is a mutual respect, DS is far more mature than his 14 years in a lot of ways because he spends a lot of time with two adults. You would think our life is perfect too.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Also some kids like quiet houses! Some people are quiet people. Perfectly happy, content, absolute fine just introverts who enjoy peaceful environments. That doesn't automatically make them unhappy, lonely or depressed whether they are 8 or 80!

Very true, but it's fine for extroverted people as well!

My 16yo dd is about as extroverted as they come, but she is extremely happy as an only child and always has been She has a natural gift for making friends whereas she goes, so she has never felt the need for siblings.

Jealousy really isn’t helpful to a friendship.

Why did you have 4 children, if you wanted a serene life?

If you want to make useful comparisons its better to compare at least with a family with a similar set up to your own. Have a look at parenting videos of larger families on youtube. I watch family vlogs on youtube/ morning routines etc and take what I can which is useful from it. Most have more money than I do- especially American YouTubers. But I take anything I can from it and try and implement it in my own life even if that looks slightly different. I have 3 sons. Our house is lively and chaotic and only the youngest is close to me being 3 years old. I try and bond with the older two where I can but it is a little different with boys I have to say. They just think differently. girls can be a handful as well though and theres no guarantee if you had a daughter you'd have a great bond. I think focus on connecting with your sons individually and being grateful is key. Gratititude is linked to happiness. So the more grateful you are for your blessings the happier you'll feel.

It's because you're spread between four kids. I've also got four kids and it's a lot more stressful than one child.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I think these feelings are directing you to make changes in your own life. It sounds like you need more peace, more order, more you time, more quality time with your kids. This isn't surprising when you are juggling 4 kids and a full time job!!! Think about what changes may nourish you, be they small or large.

Your friend has a different life, and you have your life, you can't turn your life into her life, and if you could maybe you wouldn't like it as much as you think.

But I wouldn't change it. There's positives to having a larger family that your friend may envy. There's a greater sense of family, there's always company. The kids will have each other when they're adults and I'm no longer here.

@AlexaShutUp

Oh I absolutely agree!

I was more referring to the way people seem so baffled that anyone would enjoy a quiet home when loads of people do, particularly introverted people I think but lots of others too.

Honestly this whole thread has had so many batshit and smug comments about only children hasn't it?

I don't speak to my brother often as he is (and has always been) a bully, but am close with lots of my cousins and my mum is my best friend despite me being in my mid 30s.

I personally would absolutely have had a happier childhood as an only child - it's ridiculous to me when people state as fact that only children must be lonely / anti social etc.

Everyone is individual. There seems to be no room for that in this conversation for people who judge only children. Especially those who GOD FORBID have a single parent.

@JellybabyGina87
There's positives to having a larger family that your friend may envy

Yes or not.. it's entirety possible she's happy with her life and choices. I think the OP needs to try and make the best of what she has, 4 boys sounds very hard but like you say there must be good parts, just focus on that rather than envying the life your friend has!

Firstly you’re not a bad mum in any way, you’re a mum, same as your friend is. Secondly, you have 4 children, she has 1. Big difference right there. Thirdly, you have an all-male household, she has an all-female household. The dynamics are very very different - boys are more boisterous than girls, and 4boys together compared to one girl alone - go figure!!!!

I think you just need to get things in perspective, & stop being so hard on yourself. I’m sure you’re doing a great job of raising your boys. Don’t compare yourself to other people; it’s absolutely pointless. Your circumstances in this instance are so so different.

[quote JellyOnAPlatewithicecream]@JellybabyGina87
There's positives to having a larger family that your friend may envy

Yes or not.. it's entirety possible she's happy with her life and choices. I think the OP needs to try and make the best of what she has, 4 boys sounds very hard but like you say there must be good parts, just focus on that rather than envying the life your friend has![/quote]
Well that's what I said. Who knows if she's envious or not. It was just a suggestion. I doubt anyone is ever 100% content with their lives though, despite what it looks like to the outside. We all have things that we struggle with or would change if it came down to it.

I don't know where the green faces came from, sorry. They just magically appeared.

@arethereanyleftatall

Those posters who can't handle the possibility that a single parent/lone child/combination of can be happy, are often using the word 'lonely'. I'm a single parent. I'm not lonely, I'm peaceful, blissfully blissfully peaceful.

This

One thing to consider, speaking as father of a single child - mine got on really well with adults but, for a long time, not so well with children of his own age. So your turbulent foursome may be developing great skills in getting on with their peers!

I have three children one daughter and two younger sons . Discussing a friends comment about being disappointed with no granddaughter after two sons ,the youngest son said if someone cares what sex child they have they shouldn’t be having a baby ! He is right not the child’s fault what sex it is . Girls are great ,then they become teenage girls not so great . Boys never gave me a moments worry that’s for the mothers of girls to stress about . My boys are always helpful affectionate and I love spending time with them and you get a extra daughter in the girlfriends/ partners with none of the underlying tensions that you can have with a daughter .
Swings and roundabouts but benefits to both -sons I think improve as they get older

Why is there so much hating on only children and female children on this thread?

I am a lone parent and mother of 1 DD. She is very extrovert and full of energy and she would be the same whether I had one or 10 kids. She and I have a wonderful bond and I'm glad I don't have to split myself multiple ways. Having a noisy chaotic house wouldn't suit my personality and it's not something I aspired to. However even with my 1 DD my house is full of energy and fun. In terms of relationships the sweet spot for me is a committed relationship where we live apart, which I've now got. It's great! But everyone is different.

What you need to consider OP is why you have chosen a certain path that you now resent? Did you feel pressured or a weight of expectation? If you can identify what you need to see more of in your life you can work towards it, and you will he less inclined to be envious of others.

So many stereotypes & generalisations on this thread! Anyway I don’t think the OP is coming back any time soon

My aunty was a single mum to one daughter, and whenever we went round it was as you describe - the daughter was lovely and polite and mature, and they everything was calm and lovely. But my aunt would always mention the massive arguments she and her daughter would have behind closed doors. Of course they are on best behaviour when they have guests! The downside to being a single mum with one child is the immense pressure on both of them - the mum is her daughter's only parent, the only one she can come to, she has to play two roles (not to mention the obvious stress of lower income etc.). The daughter is the sole recipient of all of her mum's expectations, hopes, ambitions. They never get a break from each other, they have to fulfil all of each other's social needs at home (eg. I was raised by a single mum but I had sister who I spent most of my time at home playing, talking and fighting with. Even with one extra person in the house, if you get fed up of one of them you can go and talk to another one.) So those are the pressures and strains she has that you probably don't see. Maybe they look at you and think "I wish our house wasn't so boring and lonely" or "I wish I had some siblings to play with". I'm just saying, the grass is always greener and no home is perfect.

Your kids seem very normal for their age, you're not doing anything wrong, it's just a different set-up.

My boys are always helpful affectionate and I love spending time with them and you get a extra daughter in the girlfriends/ partners with none of the underlying tensions that you can have with a daughter

This is lovely to hear but did make me laugh considering the sheer number of MIL / DIL tension threads on MN

@Primadonna1

I have three children one daughter and two younger sons . Discussing a friends comment about being disappointed with no granddaughter after two sons ,the youngest son said if someone cares what sex child they have they shouldn’t be having a baby ! He is right not the child’s fault what sex it is . Girls are great ,then they become teenage girls not so great . Boys never gave me a moments worry that’s for the mothers of girls to stress about . My boys are always helpful affectionate and I love spending time with them and you get a extra daughter in the girlfriends/ partners with none of the underlying tensions that you can have with a daughter . Swings and roundabouts but benefits to both -sons I think improve as they get older

Your girl was difficult. My, now adult, has never caused me many issues. Many girls are perfectly fine teenagers.

My brother and his wife, caused my mum far more problems than I ever have.

And honestly, I think a mothee is more likely to get on with her own daughter than their dil.

Theres no underlying tension with my dd or my ds.

I'm sorry for you that your dd was a difficult teenager @Primadonna1
But remember not to make sweeping statements that this therefore must mean that all teenage girls are difficult. Because they're not.

@Keepitonthedownlow Why is there so much hating on only children and female children on this thread?
Its called taking your turn. Makes a change from posts about how having more than two kids and you're a selfish planet who is hastening the arrival of the apocalypse.
And sex of baby disappointment is usually towards boys because the op wanted a nice baby shed love and bond with not a oy who'd poop on her sofa.
Not to mention the general dislike of men on MN as they're all would be attackers.

So enjoy your lively daughter and take your turn at having your kid disapproved of for existing 😁