To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

[woodenstuck]

My best friend is a single mum to an 8 year old girl. I have 4 children, all boys, and a husband. I love them all dearly and wouldn't change them for the world but I was round at my friends this morning for a coffee and I can't help but feel a pit of jealousy when I am with her and her daughter.

Their house is so cosy and girly and they have an amazing relationship, almost 'banter'. The daughter respects her mum and they genuinely belly laugh together. They're always spending time together, going days out at the weekend. My friend just seems to have a stress free and enjoyable life.

I love my boys but I have 4 of them and work full time (friend is at uni and supported by her parents) as does my husband, so it's hard to spend time with them all individually so I guess I don't have that close close bond I see my friend has with her daughter. All they do is fight and bicker and I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between.

Being in their house this morning, everything is so calm and quiet and happy and she can sit in peace in the kitchen and enjoy her coffee and read her book or just genuinely enjoy her daughters company. I feel like the way she is raising her daughter she is already a lot more mature than her age and I worry I am doing my boys some sort of disservice.

It's making me feel resentment towards my friend. Like when she says she's stressed with uni work I just want to scream because I'm like you don't even know the meaning of stress! Her life seems serene.

I don't know what I'm asking really I just needed to Vent I suppose.

I kind of know what you mean. See it this way your friend probably thinks the world of your life, 4 kids and a husband. She is making do with what she has, just because she says she likes being single doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

When I used to go over to my mils, my single
Parent sil lives there with her only child. We'd arrive and her daughter would be quietly sat down watching a movie or doing drawing. I had two at the time and would say there's no way mine would sit quietly reading, watching it colouring. But I've always known it's because my two kids have each other, where as with sil daughter doesn't have another sibling to play around with, get up to mischief which is why she seems to be a lot more well behaved.

@watchingrnfire

I kind of know what you mean. See it this way your friend probably thinks the world of your life, 4 kids and a husband. She is making do with what she has, just because she says she likes being single doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

When I used to go over to my mils, my single
Parent sil lives there with her only child. We'd arrive and her daughter would be quietly sat down watching a movie or doing drawing. I had two at the time and would say there's no way mine would sit quietly reading, watching it colouring. But I've always known it's because my two kids have each other, where as with sil daughter doesn't have another sibling to play around with, get up to mischief which is why she seems to be a lot more well behaved.

Ffs...really?

Meh. A lot of this will be based on you having four children and her having just the one. Speaking as an only myself, and the mother of an only child. Yeah, it is calmer at home. Imagine that. More children=more work, less time for yourself, etc.
I take that the heart each time a thread opens on MN about how "sad" it must be for families with just one child.

Sorry but as a single mum being one even to a really cool kid whilst juggling university will be far from stress free

@watchingrnfire

I kind of know what you mean. See it this way your friend probably thinks the world of your life, 4 kids and a husband. She is making do with what she has, just because she says she likes being single doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

When I used to go over to my mils, my single
Parent sil lives there with her only child. We'd arrive and her daughter would be quietly sat down watching a movie or doing drawing. I had two at the time and would say there's no way mine would sit quietly reading, watching it colouring. But I've always known it's because my two kids have each other, where as with sil daughter doesn't have another sibling to play around with, get up to mischief which is why she seems to be a lot more well behaved.

Or maybe she seemed well behaved because she was just more well behaved? Perhaps she was quieter because that’s her personality? My only child seems to have missed the “must sit quietly and get up to mischief” memo. Almost like children are different.

Single parent
No family support
2 very very happy children

I bloody LOVE my life and honestly…. The thought now of being married and having a DH around is so unappealing as to make me shudder!

And, again, it’s not impossible that the friend is happy. It’s possible to reassure the OP; if that’s what you want to do; without shitting all over single parents, only children, parents of only children, children who are sometimes well behaved and anything other than completely feral and annoying, etc.

How sad to be so bitter over something you could so easily change. Sack off your 'weekend other things' and spend some time with your sons. How upsetting you decided to have four of them and then now deem them lesser somehow because you don't talk to them.

Your preference for a girl has likely been noted. Put your energy into fixing the relationship instead of jealousy.

Depressing that this thread has descended into the usual only child bashing. You have absolutely no fucking idea how the OP’s friend’s child feels about not having siblings, so how about not assuming she’s terribly lonely and maladjusted?

@NoSleepNoSleep

I'm not sure what you are jealous about? If anything I'd pitty her, still at uni, no partner and an only child, sounds sad. The only thing I can think you might want that she has is a daughter? I have 3 young children (1 girl) and I'm married, I love the chaos, the noise, everything that goes with 3 children. I imagine having no adult company and the child no other children to play with must be a lonely existence for them both, I'm sure they make the best of a bad situation so what you see seems appealing.

Being a single mother with an only child is not a 'bad situation', or sad, and it is not deserving of pity . Why do people find it so incomprehensible that the OP's friend and her daughter might actually be fine? So there isn't a man in their house, or noise or chaos - the horror!!

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@Katie2017 I still want my chocolate medal.

I think there's not walking on egg shells and then not making stupid comments. I wouldn't consider the 18 ysar olds as stupid BTW, but like the hamster ones, people really can spout nonsense. Sometimes it's OK to just not say anything.[/quote]

Don't be a mummy martyr. Reacting like this every time someone makes small talk will only make you more stressed and miserable

Do you have cleaner/s , gardener, etc Having a stranger come into the house can encourage the DCs to tidy up more not less.

@NoSleepNoSleep

I'm not sure what you are jealous about? If anything I'd pitty her, still at uni, no partner and an only child, sounds sad. The only thing I can think you might want that she has is a daughter? I have 3 young children (1 girl) and I'm married, I love the chaos, the noise, everything that goes with 3 children. I imagine having no adult company and the child no other children to play with must be a lonely existence for them both, I'm sure they make the best of a bad situation so what you see seems appealing.

Unpleasant. Can easily be turned around that at least she's not got to shout at her husband and can find a new partner. Is doing a course she enjoys. Has her parents and a lovely DD.

Why do people think everyone is as miserable as they are?

There definitely is an air of I can't believe I'm jealous of anything about this woman's life because she's single and only has one child so must be miserable and obviously has an awful existence.. (exaggerating there but you get the point!)

Op I think you need to really focus on you. You can only make your choices for you, nobody else can.

If you can, get some private therapy and see if you can have some realistic small goals to move towards with guidance.

I've had so much therapy in my life and I always thought it didn't work but looking back at how I was to how I am now, I can definitely say it's worked.

It helped me learn shouting is not a solution, so therefore it should never be an option, even when I'm being shouted at.

It helped me stop looking for problems and start looking for solutions.

It helped me stop feeling like a victim and start feeling empowered.

And these changes were so gradual I didn't even notice.

So I absolutely 100% recommend therapy OP, on the basis that you have acknowledged you'd desperately like change. It's possible to make it happen.

gingerhills

Never compare, but especially never compare unlike situations. I read just the other day a parenting expert - maybe Gabor Maté – saying show me a child who is 'mature; for their age and I'll show you a depressed adult. Children should be allowed to be children, not accelerated mini adult companions to a lone parent. A child who is always good is a child on high alert for her parent's happiness and fragility

I wouldn’t put too much store in Gabor Mate I could never make the connection between what was written and reality.

Dd was always very mature as a child. Definitely not depressed as an adult
A lot of what people think of as maturity is confidence and common sense. Confidence is the opposite of depression

If you need to raise your voice in a lot of scenarios you have already lost the battle because if you don’t get compliance then where do you go from there

If your boys are squabbling can you not divide them. Your Dh takes a couple of them and you take the others.

Raising children I always thought was a bit like dog training. Ignore bad behaviour, praise good, make sure they are fed and watered regularly and well exercised
I would also fill up dc’s days so they had plenty of distractions. Also recognising trigger points and averting the oncoming shouting match. It sounds like at weekends they are left to their own devices whilst you do other things and so are unsupervised and bored.
That is a recipe for what you are getting.

Saturday morning football for a few hours so you can get what ever you need to do in peace and then the rest of the day to have as a family or split up in pairs

It’s about diffusing situations before they arrive whether you have 1 or 4 dc

@JellyOnAPlatewithicecream

There definitely is an air of I can't believe I'm jealous of anything about this woman's life because she's single and only has one child so must be miserable and obviously has an awful existence.. (exaggerating there but you get the point!)

Definitely. It's like pp can't just say, 'well people like different things and enjoy living in different ways, OP needs to find happiness in her own life' - no no no! The OP's friend and her daughter MUST be miserable because that justifies other people's life choices.

@watchingrnfire

I kind of know what you mean. See it this way your friend probably thinks the world of your life, 4 kids and a husband. She is making do with what she has, just because she says she likes being single doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

When I used to go over to my mils, my single
Parent sil lives there with her only child. We'd arrive and her daughter would be quietly sat down watching a movie or doing drawing. I had two at the time and would say there's no way mine would sit quietly reading, watching it colouring. But I've always known it's because my two kids have each other, where as with sil daughter doesn't have another sibling to play around with, get up to mischief which is why she seems to be a lot more well behaved.

Making do? Don't be so ridiculous!

@NoSleepNoSleep

I'm not sure what you are jealous about? If anything I'd pitty her, still at uni, no partner and an only child, sounds sad. The only thing I can think you might want that she has is a daughter? I have 3 young children (1 girl) and I'm married, I love the chaos, the noise, everything that goes with 3 children. I imagine having no adult company and the child no other children to play with must be a lonely existence for them both, I'm sure they make the best of a bad situation so what you see seems appealing.

And another one 🙄

@bookworm14

Depressing that this thread has descended into the usual only child bashing. You have absolutely no fucking idea how the OP’s friend’s child feels about not having siblings, so how about not assuming she’s terribly lonely and maladjusted?

It's pretty normal on here, I'm afraid. Nasty stereotypes of only children are often perpetuated by MNers. They're just ignorant and possibly jealous of the very close relationships that only children often have with their parents.

@NoSleepNoSleep

what an appalling this to say

Save your pity for someone who wants it.

This woman's so called best friend has posted about how jealous she is of her life and she and her daughter are now being torn apart on MN presumably without her knowledge for daring to be happy
.
If the OP was my 'best friend' and I found this I would be deeply hurt and I don't think she would still be my best friend

@NoSleepNoSleep

I'm not sure what you are jealous about? If anything I'd pitty her, still at uni, no partner and an only child, sounds sad. The only thing I can think you might want that she has is a daughter? I have 3 young children (1 girl) and I'm married, I love the chaos, the noise, everything that goes with 3 children. I imagine having no adult company and the child no other children to play with must be a lonely existence for them both, I'm sure they make the best of a bad situation so what you see seems appealing

What a horrible, patronising and smug comment.

I'm shocked at this and others, determined to paint the life of a single parent or only child as pitiful.

Absolutely vile.

she is probably feeling extremely guilty that her daughter is growing upnin a quiet house with no siblings

Why should she be feeling guilty because she only has one child? This statement has actually given me the rage. So fucking judgemental and rude.

I fear I must take my sad maladjusted child to therapy instantly

football, scouts, Duke of Edinburgh, gym, church, youth group, cinema, go karting, sleepovers with 5 friends in the den in the garden clearly don't provide enough social interaction for my poor lonely boy

Those posters who can't handle the possibility that a single parent/lone child/combination of can be happy, are often using the word 'lonely'. I'm a single parent. I'm not lonely, I'm peaceful, blissfully blissfully peaceful.