to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

OP has all the characteristics of a competitive helicopter parent! Wait for 7+, 11+ tutors booking as soon as the child starts to talk!

Calm down OP, focus on one step at a time. You’ll have plenty of time to think about schools etc once the child is here!

Would you say that “so” you’ve achieved a lot in life immediately saying what training you’re only half way through?

@thanktor

Very well paid job 30 No dependents And your entire life savings is £25k?

THIS ^

@thanktor

Would you say that “so” you’ve achieved a lot in life immediately saying what training you’re only half way through?

Yes. Why wouldn't you?

This OP can't be for real, surely?

Have you also thought about what you’ll do if your child has special needs? Or is that impossible because you are somehow better qualified than everyone else!

I suspect you are a doctor OP. I’ve seen this air of “high achievers” “better than others” thing with quite a few of this tribe. Weirdly, all of them have poor money management.

At 30, you saved just £25k ? You need to focus on managing money better, now THAT is important to do for planning a child.

Yes @User112

I thought strange. £25k life time savings in a very well paid job and no dependents and 30?

All very strange

So before you had a baby, you honestly never thought about what school they’d go to or what extracurriculars you might involve them in? I absolutely don’t believe that people have children without giving a tiny thought about future

Good grief, no. Before we had children we lived in an inner city flat but had no intention of staying there if or when we started to have children. So it would depend very much on where we could move to that would either be commutable or where one or both of us could get a job locally. Whether we went for state or primary would very much depend on where we ended up, where friends' children went to, etc. And certainly we made zero plans for extracurriculars when our children hadn't even been conceived, let alone started developing extra curricular interests.

@itsbritneybitch92
“ So before you had a baby, you honestly never thought about what school they’d go to or what extracurriculars you might involve them in? I absolutely don’t believe that people have children without giving a tiny thought about future.”

You have no idea WHO you are going to birth!! You have no idea what school you might find preferable depending on the child’s characteristics or needs. Of course you can think a bit about schools in your area, but that’s as far as it goes at this point - anything else is a complete waste of hypothetical time.

Even considering the extracurriculars they might get involved in is batshit. I get that this post is utter naivety of someone who isn’t even yet pregnant/literally no idea what having a child entails, but wouldn’t you consider that perhaps the child might have a say in what extracurriculars they might want to be involved in? I mean, you’re looking at least 7 years down the line unless you’re going to be one of those pushy twats.

Thinking “we should save some of our money for a sport / instrument of the child’s choice” is attempting to ‘see into the future’?

How much do you think pianos/violins/flutes/drums cost, let alone swimming/tennis lessons, that you think you have to start saving now? Unless, of course, you're planning to put them straight onto a Steinway/ Stradivarius and hire Andy Murray to teach them tennis.

I don't understand OP why you don't want to stand on your own 2 feet. Why would you want to be so beholden to other people?

I have strong views about private education, and also don't believe it's worth the money at all. I certainly wouldn't want my inlaws (or parents) doing childcare but mostly, as a grown up, I want to run my own life. I can't understand why you don't have any pride.

and yes £350k deposit is a ridiculous amount - nothing comes for free and you're effectively owned by your inlaws. If indeed this is all true - I would hate to be so reliant on other people. I'm so proud of where I got to, on my own..

@VladmirsPoutine

So 5/6 years of uni plus a decade of further training.

So you went to uni at 14/15 years old? Forget the offer from your partner's parents just write a book about you being a child prodigy - the sales from that will cover your future children's school fees!

Brace yourself

OP came back arms flailing when I pointed this out!

@thanktor

Next week's edition:

"My partners parents have offered to book us an all expenses paid first class trip to (INSERT AMAZING TROPICAL LOCATION) for a week and offered us each a spending budget of £5k for bits and pieces. AIBU to refuse because it means I'll forever have to host them for Xmas?"

“I’m 29 and I’ve not had a holiday for 34 years!”

You do know you don't HAVE to have kids, right OP?

High achiever, just 25k in savings, and having to save for at least 6 years to save for a violin or violin lessons. It doesn’t all add up!

Entry level Gliga violin costs around £200. Stentor (student violin) is about £100. Unless you are thinking of antique stradi (do they do it in 1/8th size? )

A full size Stentor conservatoire costs around £400, a full size Gliga gama under £1000.

Violin lessons £40 an hour - weekly one lesson.

Either you are not a high achiever as you believe, or you are very poor at managing your money (or you spend everything because you have a good catch). Whatever, it doesn’t add up OP.

And OP’s inlaws have offered to baby sit

Did you say your SO’s parent is a CEO? Do you know the first rule C-level execs follow? It’s “don’t make a decision until you have to” There is no way your CEO inlaws will commit to baby sitting at this stage. Bonkers!! and I doubt they’ll even kill time babysitting !!

@PonyPatter44

If your hypothetical children go to any private school, day or boarding, they will be mixing with plenty of other children whose fees are paid by wealthy grandparents. This was the case back in the Stone Age, when I was at school, and its no different now.

I have a friend who pays the fees for her grandson. The headmaster holds an afternoon tea type get together for just grandparents as there are so many of them paying all or part of the fees.

I'm not sure where people are getting those figures for private schools but I have a child in private and pay £23k/year (London) which is fairly standard but will go up by inflation at least so could be close to £30k not long after yours start. Boarding is around £40k/year.
If you live near a good state school I'd send them to that, then reassess as they grow. We are in London and applied to four excellent state schools but lived too far away (they were our closest but all oversubscribed) so failed to get into any, and the one offered was quite some distance, snd was not well regarded. Fortunately we could afford private and that's where they went.
I do have friends who's parents pay a good chunk if not all their grandchildren's school fees. And if the alternative was poor or if my child had needs that would be better met at a private school I would accept help.
You don't have kids yet so you don't have to decide - your circumstances may change between now and school age. As may your parents in laws. But how incredibly generous of them to offer.

I grew up working class and was the first in my family to go to uni. I would love to send my DC to private but could never afford it. Im lucky that we fall into a catchment area for a top state school but it's still going to be a struggle getting them placed without moving closer.

Why is it that so many people from our backgrounds think that the worst thing you can be called is "posh" or "snobby"?

Plus if you are a clinical fellow working your way towards consultant as I suspect then you literally spend all day with people from private school backgrounds and they certainly wouldn't turn down great opportunities for their children so why should you?

If it were me I would talk through any caveats with them such as will they have preferred schools for them to go to, will it be possible for them to go to state primary and private secondary, etc.

Personally I would choose for them to go to a state primary school and then a private secondary school, but day school only not boarding. I would then hope (and do the calculations!) that the lump sum they give would cover more than the 50% and any left over can go towards university.

I would talk through all this with them and see if this is an option they would still be happy with.

Assuming you both continue to grow in your careers then you will earn more as time goes on and so should be able to afford to top up any fees/extra curriculars etc as needed.

@thanktor

* 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. *

You’re 29
Decade off for “and further training and post grad exams”
Takes you to 19
And “5/6 years at uni” takes you to starting uni at 13/14!

OP apparently meant she is now doing a decade of further training and we are all stupid for not understanding that

Yabu I’m afraid. It isn’t a handout it’s a gift to your dc and it would be wrong of you to deprive them of an opportunity because of your own insecurities. Also, what your dm can afford to provide is completely irrelevant. Your dpil want to help, you have already accepted a handout that suited you, don’t stop your kids from benefiting because of misplaced pride.