to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

How can you seriously type this:

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget.

and a few lines later type this:

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house.

I think the time for wanting to "work for things myself" have rather gone out the window haven't they.

Maybe your priority should be what's going to give your children the best education.

Thinking “we should save some of our money for a sport / instrument of the child’s choice” is attempting to ‘see into the future’? It’s not like I’m booking tennis lessons right now.

And not thinking that isn't "stupid" like you stated and it really isn't that hard a concept to grasp. You don't need to save any money for sport or an instrument for a baby!

@scatterolight

Funny how people who think private schooling is overated have always ALWAYS gone to a state school. That mode of thinking is just a way of absolving your parents for not being able to send you. I went to both state and private schools and I can assure you private is not overrated. I didn't even do the "extra curricular" stuff but the quality, ethos and peer group was a world away from my state experience. Why you would deny this to your kids I have no idea.

I have only gone state, I don't think my parents need absolving from anything. The system isn't set up for everyone to be tip earners and pay private for education and health care. No one should need to apologise for that.

I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house.

Not a fan of handouts but took £350k of handouts? What a load of BS, OP.

What a smug thread, at a time where many people have to choose between heating or food.

As the saying goes, everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. Most people just muddle along, they don’t save for musical instruments for an unborn baby!

Tell them you couldn't possibly decide until you have kids and until they grow up a bit! You can decide later in life if it suits them but to be accepting it now would put conditions on a future that hasn't begun to exist yet. Plus having to find 50 percent could be a huge stretch for you and that's a really big issue

If they are nice people and there are no strings attached then I'd accept it.

Thinking “we should save some of our money for a sport / instrument of the child’s choice” is attempting to ‘see into the future’? It’s not like I’m booking tennis lessons right now.
The saving £10 a week now for the next decade to afford a clarinet might be more convincing if you were so desperate to push how well you're off financially. We have extra money so let's shove it in savings just in case is very different to "let's set up a piano fund, a rugby fund, a ballet fund" etc. I don't think most people do do that.

They will have paid for a big chunk of home, cared for your children 2 days a week and then paid for their education. That would be just a bit too close to co-parenting with them for my comfort.

You don't to agree the 2 days a week childcare if you are happy with nursery.

I may be biased though as my GPs were heavily involved in my childhood, including financial assistance, and it lead to a great deal of ill feeling and resentment all round.

Out of interest, why do you want your maternity leave to ge as short as possible?

Plus having to find 50 percent could be a huge stretch for you and that's a really big issue
This. You can't possibly guarantee you'll be able to afford private school in five years time for three kids on one wage, or if its being given out termly what the situation will be in twenty years time when your two kids are starting high school.

Either say we need to discuss it closer to the time, or accept it as a lump sum and lock it away

Or the grandparents could put the money in some kind of trust? It becomes a gift and avoids inheritance tax. Prob need legal advice.

@phishy

I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house.

Not a fan of handouts but took £350k of handouts? What a load of BS, OP.

What a smug thread, at a time where many people have to choose between heating or food.

This sums it up nicely.

Whatever your upbringing your kids will be born with a silver spoon in their mouths.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. They shouldn't grow up snobby if you raise them right.

Rejecting the money because 'control' is one thing, but for 'principles' is quite silly when you happily accepted the deposit.

Many people will pile on because you're so privileged (and come across as a bit self-absorbed) but money can make a huge difference. Not just 'private school', but if one of them wanted to do professional sport, or a creative vocation... it's very expensive.

I think you will find your outlook changes when you have children and any plans you make now will not necessary stand firm once you have a little one. Suddenly, you never put yourself first and the needs of your child become paramount. You will fight to the death for your child. And what is best for them will become clear as they grow and develop. Enjoy planning now - it’s fun, but be prepared for your mind to be changedv

I'm so sorry you're being handed everything on a plate OP, a very tough decision whether to accept more money handouts from the bank of Mother and father in-law.

Ah I missed that she’d returned and got herself in more of a twist!

OP there comes a point where you have to just think to what’s best for your kids. Before we had children there was no chance we thought of private education but we bought a house in an area with very good schools. More fool us now with some GP support about 10% of fees for the next 5 years we can do both kids and then by then fingers crossed DH will be earning enough as will I. I already know we could do it if we cut our cloth on some things.

I just don’t see the problem in your DH’s parents helping. They helped you by a house! Seriously that’s the difference with regard to coming from money. Let it make your life and your kid’s life easier.

My parents were practically illiterate but they valued education. Don’t forget you’ll still be their mother!

* 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. *

You’re 29
Decade off for “and further training and post grad exams”
Takes you to 19
And “5/6 years at uni” takes you to starting uni at 13/14!

YOU said “5/6 years at uni”
YOU said “and a further decade of training and post grad exams”

That equals 15/16 years
You are 29

Do the maths. BS

“So we’ve both achieved well in life”

Suggesting very clearly done and dusted!

@thanktor

YOU said “5/6 years at uni” YOU said “and a *further* decade of training and post grad exams”

That equals 15/16 years
You are 29

Do the maths. BS

At no point did she say she has completed the10 years post grad training just that is is required.

She even clarified this in a later post when people failed to read properly.

@thanktor

“So we’ve both achieved well in life”

Suggesting very clearly done and dusted!

No it doesn't.

Very well paid job
30
No dependents
And your entire life savings is £25k?