to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

Out of interest OP, why are you planning on going back after just a few weeks / months?

You need to remember that your children will have a TOTALLY different upbringing to you and that you may be a product of your environment.

Maybe you were driven to work so hard at school BECAUSE you came from a 1 parent household where your mum worked 7 days a week.

Your children in their million pound house with doting GPs and pt working mum may not have the same motivation.

Personally I'd bite their hands off for my DC, as long as I could choose the school.

Not for academic reasons, but because at the right private school you can get:

Smaller class sizes

An education that suits your ethos and child

More breadth of curriculum / opportunity to try new things

Other pupils who have broader ambitions and talents which can inspire them to raise their game and aim higher

Not ALL private schools are snobby (I went to two: one was, one definitely wasn't).

Having said that I'd probably start them at local primary for 4/5 years.

@SleepingStandingUp

1 anyone who doesn’t plan before/while TTC is stupid, having a child is the biggest life decision and we need to know exactly how we’re using our money

Well I was about to defend you against Jennys post but as I'm so stupid, I'll not bother. You realise for most people the plan is have a baby and afford it as you go because private will never be a consideration, possibly not even home owning even though I could buy a lovely one just for your deposit? Because you can't actually plan which kids you'll get?

Anyway, as I'm too thick for your thread I'll just slope off back to my unplanned third (joy of twins) and my kid with complex medical needs who left me needing to quit work.

So before you had a baby, you honestly never thought about what school they’d go to or what extracurriculars you might involve them in? I absolutely don’t believe that people have children without giving a tiny thought about future.

It’s always a risk accepting financial help with something ongoing like school, in case that help is withdrawn for any reason. But I guess it’s not risk free when it’s your own money either, as no one knows what changes can occur in life.

OP I think that, whilst it’s worth having theoretical conversations like this now, there’s no point in giving it serious thought until you actually have kids.

I would be anxious about the control your in-laws may have over school decisions, if they’re paying. But I think once you’ve got kids, and they’re doing some child minding for you, you’ll get a clearer idea of how much control they might want to exert.

But in general I would jump at the chance, certainly at secondary level. State schools are desperately underfunded at the moment, I think it would be madness to reject the idea of private education without knowing the details of the local schools at the time.

I take the view its possibly about spending their money now and being around to get pleasure from seeing loved ones benefit as a consequence. They sound like good people. Better to spend it now and see the benefits than leave it till they're dead and the children end up paying inheritance tax on it all.

Snobby kids come from snobby parents, it's nothing to do with schools or money. Don't be worry about this one.

I'd see how you feel in a few years once you've actually had the child.

Finally, I used to feel anti private schools and then I taught in private and state schools. My kids are in state but honestly private schools do provide smaller classes and less stressed teachers and this is the most important factor in kids doing well at school.

Are the grandparents goinv to want any say in which schools the children would attend, which activities they do, whether they board, what they study for A Level? Is there any risk that their money would buy them a seat at the table for decisions about schooling and parenting? That would be my worry

Also, if you are going to send your children to private school, some have waiting lists for children to be added to from birth!

(Dd has been on the list since 6 months old)

I have to say I really don’t understand where this is where you decide to draw a line in the sand on handouts.

You’ve accepted a huge deposit for an incredibly expensive house (I know you are in London, but a £1M is still a lot of money). 350k is more then the average house price in the U.K.

You’ve already agreed grandparents will provide several free childcare days a week.

Your massive deposit/high income means you can go part-time.

Given your occupations (I am presuming doctors) that will mean you don’t have to pay for a nanny which in London would easily be 45k per year.

OP if you want to go state it’s fine. You will undoubtedly have bought into a “nice catchment area” where lots of other middle class parents will justify not going private because they want their children to be in a “diverse” environment.

@forrestgreen

What would happen if your children aren't academic. Would you be able to afford all the extras that seem to be talked about. Would your car be the oldest on the car park (no idea if you're materialistic)

I think I'm trying to say, would the 50% then mean you have to keep asking for other things as you're skint.

I think I'd prefer a good rounded life

Plenty of private school kids aren't academic

Funny how people who think private schooling is overated have always ALWAYS gone to a state school. That mode of thinking is just a way of absolving your parents for not being able to send you. I went to both state and private schools and I can assure you private is not overrated. I didn't even do the "extra curricular" stuff but the quality, ethos and peer group was a world away from my state experience. Why you would deny this to your kids I have no idea.

So before you had a baby, you honestly never thought about what school they’d go to or what extracurriculars you might involve them in? I absolutely don’t believe that people have children without giving a tiny thought about future. one of the local primaries providing we didn't have to move cos the landlord sold up. That's not a plan, that's a fact. No point deciding in 2013 when a lot could change before the child starts in 2018. That's the gap between marriage and Reception. A d the school they're at was awful THEN and great NOW so we decided once they were of age. No plans in extra curriculars cos how would I know he'd like gymnastics? And even if I'd decided on toddler football at 2, we were barely out of hospital with him at 2 and it wouldn't have been possible. Twins will go where DS goes because that's what you do. No plans for High School because it's to pearly to know who night have the academics for selective, who might prefer a more vocational route, which schools will change SMT and thus quality.

OP’s posts: See all

there’s no point in giving it serious thought until you actually have kids.

I disagree, it's definitely a good idea to give serious thought to future plans for your family before having children. But just plan in a general way, and don't be too prescriptive. Wait and see what the OFFSTED reports are like for the schools in your area once the children arrive.

I would look at schools first - choose the one you want/like best and accept the offer if it happens to be private. You do what's best for your children. My suspicion is you would start at state and change your mind when you realise how the financial constraints on schools mean huge class sizes and stretched teachers.

I come from a left wing family who are all anti private school however I would love to send my children to local private school if only for the smaller class sizes. We moved to an area with an outstanding state secondary (and paid for that as house was £££!) and since then I've realised its totally the wrong place for my children - too big, too pushy, too much focus on high grades at all costs.

I would look at all school options first before making any decisions if I were you. Maybe have the child first!

I'd never agree to something like this. Main worry being if you divorced or split, suddenly his parents have more of a say of where the kids go to school because they're funding it. I wouldn't want the possibility of my strings being pulled like that. I saw another poster reference lots of grandparent childcare - I'd be wary of that too. We don't have that kind of relationship with grandparents, that's not what we see them as being there for and this way it's our rules and parenting choices entirely at play. No being cross because they don't put darling baby down for naps at the right time or fed Thomas his first banana etc.

I would also quit worrying though, until you have kids and it's a real problem, as opposed to a hypothetical one. So much can change.

So before you had a baby, you honestly never thought about what school they’d go to or what extracurriculars you might involve them in?

No, I didn't. Why would I? I didn't know where we would be living when they were old enough to go to school and I didn't know what extracurricular activities they would actually be interested in - do you have the ability to see into the future?

Doesn't that really up to how the children turn out to be?
If they are academic, or talented in other aspects, why deny the opportunity? You don't need to decide now. It's good to have options.

Tbh they gave you money that you could pay two homes in a decent area where I live. You seemed to happy to have such a large gift towards a house but then your dismissive of them contributing to private school. You seem to accept when it suits you.

Personally I would try state education first. Not all private schools are better than state schools. If you have enough resources, perhaps one of you could go part time while kids are young (depending on your skill set)? In early years or primary, I think that parental input can often help (though some parents may have language difficulties if they are from abroad).

@grapehyacinthisactuallyblue

Doesn't that really up to how the children turn out to be? If they are academic, or talented in other aspects, why deny the opportunity? You don't need to decide now. It's good to have options.

It's funny how some people assume that private school is more relevant for kids who turn out to be academic. I'd have said it's far more likely to benefit kids who are not very academic, personally. The academic ones will do just fine in the state sector.

I went to private school as did my siblings. We enjoyed our education and did well, but we did come across some substandard teaching (not often though) - and prices have gone up a lot since then. I would try state at least and supplement. If it’s not going well, I wouldn’t rule out private if I was able to afford.

Sorry but I would bite their hand off now days - yes you can find lovely primary schools but it depends on the quality of one’s near your house and competition is fierce for the fewer places now. Also with such a grand house would you fit in? Sorry but the wealth gaps today are too much and in reality children do go to other children's parties and houses, how will that turn out when less wealthy parents see your home? I am not being snobby just it’s reality. My kids went to a top primary school but I wish I had had the money for private schooling where there are better academic chances in this tough world.

@SoupDragon

So before you had a baby, you honestly never thought about what school they’d go to or what extracurriculars you might involve them in?

No, I didn't. Why would I? I didn't know where we would be living when they were old enough to go to school and I didn't know what extracurricular activities they would actually be interested in - do you have the ability to see into the future?

Thinking “we should save some of our money for a sport / instrument of the child’s choice” is attempting to ‘see into the future’? It’s not like I’m booking tennis lessons right now.

I think you should accept, be happy and enjoy it.

I'd just wait and see what the exact situation is when you have kids. We are in a similar position re financial background and the fees offer is there but we both prefer the idea of state and so far the schools have been excellent and our children are doing well and are happy with lots of local friends. I'd be lying however if I didn't acknowledge that having options is a massive privilege and knowing that if needed we could go private if we felt we needed to is a safety net.