to refuse subsidised private school fees

[itsbritneybitch92]

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family (as we’ve been together since we were 18!). We are not quite on the same page about state vs private education.

We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams. So we have both achieved very well in life. Our household income is high (we earn the same) but nowhere near enough to afford two children in private school alongside other necessities. We are in London.

I grew up in London a single parent family in a 1 bedroom council flat. My mum was a nurse and worked 6-7 days a week, even through school holidays until I was 18. I went to state schools.

My SO grew up in the largest detached house in the surrey hills that I have ever set foot in with a parent who is the CEO of a major finance company. You can imagine the rest from here.

As I grew up relatively “poor”, I like to work for things myself. I’m not a fan of handouts. If I want something, I save hard for however long, I see how I can make it fit into my budget. If my SO wants something, his parents will offer it to him. And why shouldn’t they? They’ve worked so hard to provide for their son. My SO never asks for anything though.

His parents recently helped us with a £350k deposit on a £950k house. I added £25k into this which was my entire life savings since I was born. I felt so uneasy with this at first but honestly his parents are amazing, they treat me like their daughter and I was grateful for this massive jump onto the property ladder for our future family. But SO and I agreed that this would be only handout from his family.

Now, his parents are offering a lump sum to cover 50% of private school fees for two children until university. We haven’t calculated how much this is as it varies by school but from what I have googled, one term can be £30k.

SO and I aren’t sure what to do. I want to refuse, SO wants to accept for a few years. He feels that a good education is guaranteed in a private school. I feel that we can find a good state school and supplement with extracurriculars and memories e.g. holidays etc. 50% of private school fees for two children until 18 for us will still be a massive stretch. Also it’s silly to put kids in private school then suddenly switch them to state school.

I don’t like the idea of our children growing up thinking that their grandparents paid for their housing and their education and also, my mother can offer very little. It feels unbalanced. I also really don’t want snobby kids.

I get it OP.

I'm in a similar boat. We decided to kick the can down the road, DC are in state primary but I've agreed they can be sent to private for secondary.

The money is a gift for their grandchildren - not for you. So many children are funded through private’s education by their grandparents rather than parents. I’d relax and be really happy and grateful!

I wouldn't take it as read that private schools are better than state schools. private school teachers (those that are actually trained - some aren't) don't necessarily have better qualifications than state school teachers. Nor are they necessarily "better" at teaching. yes, class sizes are often smaller in private schools. however, all research indicates that this is irrelevant, in spite of what parents may suppose. Private schools can be reluctant to offer special education to those that require it - some private schools deny any of their pupils having particular educational needs. State schools can't get away with this and are required by law to meet the needs of every pupil. The only advantage you can buy for sure is that private school pupils will be mixing for the most part with the offspring of aspirational/financially comfortable parents. Now, that might well be worth it to you, and it is for you to decide.

There are benefits to private education you may not have considered. I’m a HCP and wrap around care was a key provision when considering schools. We had originally moved to our current location for catchment to local village school and senior school, but once DS was born the practicalities of childcare became an issue. I returned to work for 3 days a week and nursery costs were around 6k a yr and this was 17yr ago. Wrap around care for DS so that I could work normal hours ie childminder to do drop off and pick up and care plus holiday care was going to be close to trembly fees. School also provided a good holiday club so most holidays were covered.
We did the sums and the difference in cost was not very different.
Once in the system DS was happy and it became apparent he was academically bright so we chose to continue in the private system. He is at an academically selective school and has done well. He probably would have done just as well in the state school but would have been an outlier and found the social side more difficult.
Even in this environment he dumbs down to fit in.
The other big must for us was sport. Even at 6th form they have compulsory games afternoon alongside after school training for those involved with school team sports. In the senior school they have two PE sessions a week timetabled one of which is usually swimming.
Pastoral care is excellent and throughout lockdown they have had full online lessons. This carried on so that anyone self isolating could join in lessons online. This meant they were educated fully to GCSE level, completing their curriculum and course work.

My SO and I are turning 30 and are finally planning a family
This is the only relevant bit here. You don't have any children. Who knows when you will have children? You don't need to decide now, just say thank you and you will take it into consideration when the time is right. For the record, I always thought my kids would go to state school (I did). Then my son had a horrendous experience at our local middle school and we decided that our younger children would go to private middle school. If you had asked me before they were born, I would have never thought of private schooling! The only thing you have to do is not burn your bridges, be polite and wait.

@thanktor

29 years old Minus 10 years for your post grad experience takes you to 19 Then you say you had 5/6 years at uni - taking you to 13 when you started uni

I call BS

Are you stupid?

Started uni at 18

Graduated at 24

I’ve been working for 5 years and I’ve only just entered my 10 year training programme three years ago

Where did I said I’ve completed 10 years post grad experience?

Grandparents contributing their grandchild's education isn't necessarily about control...

My FIL has offered to pay for 1 term's fees a year per grandchild until they leave private school. They money is held in a trust and can only be used for the fees. He has had no say in which school my nephews and niece attend and will have no say in which school my DD's attend.
For him, it makes sense to allocate some of his wealth to his grandchildren and use it for their education.

Also, private schools do not just create snobs! But that is the easy way to view it when you have never attended a private school.

You accepted such a large deposit gift from your PIL, refuse to accept a gift you behalf of your children but are also happy for them to provide free childcare in the early days.
And, of course, accepting gifts or handouts is a choice, but it just seems quite skewed in this whole situation.

@Autumndays123

Although after realising that OP must have started university between the ages of 9-13, either she's a troll or needs some very basic mathematical education pretty sharpish

My OP said “We are both in a well respected profession with competitive university entry requirements, 5-6 years of university study and a decade of further training and postgraduate exams.”

A decade of FURTHER training? I haven’t said I’ve finished my training. Why don’t you read properly?

Do you actually want kids? You can be happy without. You say maternity leave will be a short as possible, you say they will be basically raising the kids, you don't want them being snobby, happy to take money to make your life easier but not to give the children more opportunity, maybe it's just not the right time to be trying. State school cannot provide what private can, it's nieve to believe that you can add groups outside of school to make up the difference.

Lots of grandparents doing this now, it’s part of inheritance tax planning.

And I know plenty of privately educated people who aren’t snobby. Same as I know plenty of state educated people who are. What a bizarre thing to say.

@WhoAre

Why are you all wasting your time with someone who is talking

1 about children who don't exist
2 about handouts she doesn't want when she has already accepted £350k
3 was a child at University

This is a trooooĺlllllllllllll

1 anyone who doesn’t plan before/while TTC is stupid, having a child is the biggest life decision and we need to know exactly how we’re using our money 2 fair enough 3 it’s not my fault that you’ve misread my OP

itsbritneybitch92
Are you stupid?

Those proto children may well turn out arrogant and rude instead of snobby?
Do hope you're not a doctor.

Snobby kids grow up around other snobby kids and such behaviour can be learned in school

Sounds like you have a bit of a chip about private schooling. You also clearly have little understanding of how the state system works. You just spent £950k on a house, are organised enough to have childcare organised even pre pregnancy but did you check what catchment your house is in?

@Whydidimarryhim

Your jumping way ahead - live in an area where there are grammar schools. I personally don’t feel it’s worth it. Save your money.

Not all children are academic.

Take the money.

I don't understand how people are very comfortable being left inheritances but don't like this sort of thing? Grandparents would likely prefer their inheritance money be spent on something like this.

I'm very jealous! Also 20%+ of private school students have fees partially paid by grandparents. It's a very tax efficient way of transferring wealth.

Op is it a lump sum or paid at the time? If its a lump sum it could be about them managing future inheritance etc and so a sensible way of giving away their money. It also gives them little control over it.

So in theory if it's a lump sum, you could agree, put it in a high interest account as you won't need it for years and then deal with it as it happens.

You might have one child and decide that's enough.
You might have one child then triplets and have to give up work completely
You might have a child with complex needs that wouldn't be best suited to private education.

Basically, there's too much unknown to COMMIT to sending two hypothetical kids to private school but if its money they intend DH to inherit, you could accept it but keep it seperate and safe.

If they're saying we'd need to ring fence it and pay it out in installments, then you need a conversation about how much say they'd want.

Also private from what age? 3-18? 11-18?

@santasnothere

Why are you not getting married before starting a family is my question?

They are married

You can’t possibly know now how you feel about your child’s education as your child doesn’t even exist yet. So many factors once your child is school age can change your mind about their education. Why do you need to decide now?

And secondly maternity leave as short as possible? I think legally you can return to work after two weeks. Is that really your plan?
Your FIL, an EX CEO will help watch a tiny baby? i call BS

Personally, I'd table any discussion about school fees until the child(ren) are actually here.

What one feels when it's all hypothetical can be the exact opposite of what one feels when it's 'real'. Once a baby comes, you'll have 5 years (at least) to decide on how to school the child. Just as PiLs will have 5 years to decide about funding it.

You don't have children yet, so at the moment all this is hypothetical really. Perhaps it would be better to wait until the eldest is 3 or 4, and then decide, based on whether you both think a private education would benefit them more than your local state schools would.

I'm not personally a fan of private education, but neither of us come from that background anyway. But it would be a pity to deny your dc the opportunity simply because of your personal feelings about accepting the money. Lots of grandparents do contribute to school fees, so it isn't unusual in any way.

You also need to think about what the dc might think years down the line if they discover that the money was there, but you refused it.

@AdriannaP

You can’t possibly know now how you feel about your child’s education as your child doesn’t even exist yet. So many factors once your child is school age can change your mind about their education. Why do you need to decide now?

And secondly maternity leave as short as possible? I think legally you can return to work after two weeks. Is that really your plan?
Your FIL, an EX CEO will help watch a tiny baby? i call BS

His mother has already agreed to help with childcare

1 anyone who doesn’t plan before/while TTC is stupid, having a child is the biggest life decision and we need to know exactly how we’re using our money

Well I was about to defend you against Jennys post but as I'm so stupid, I'll not bother. You realise for most people the plan is have a baby and afford it as you go because private will never be a consideration, possibly not even home owning even though I could buy a lovely one just for your deposit? Because you can't actually plan which kids you'll get?

Anyway, as I'm too thick for your thread I'll just slope off back to my unplanned third (joy of twins) and my kid with complex medical needs who left me needing to quit work.

If you’ve used their money to buy yourselves a house in the catchment of one of London’s outstanding state primary schools, then I’d sent your future children there. (If you didn’t, think about moving)

You can look at private schools again when they are due to go to senior school.

@AdriannaP

You can’t possibly know now how you feel about your child’s education as your child doesn’t even exist yet. So many factors once your child is school age can change your mind about their education. Why do you need to decide now?

And secondly maternity leave as short as possible? I think legally you can return to work after two weeks. Is that really your plan?
Your FIL, an EX CEO will help watch a tiny baby? i call BS

I also never said he was an ex CEO…do people read posts properly here?