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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for other solutions to my in laws up-sizing problem

236 replies

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:07

Just wondering if there was something I hadn't thought of. My mother in law is not in a good place right now, signed off work with depression, saying that she doesn't see the point in living anymore. I'm trying to help her from a practical point of view. She also speaks to me about it as everyone else shuts any discussion of emotions down.
Lots of her depression stems from their house. She LOATHES her neighbours, hates the area and it's too small. Adult sons still live it home so that's four adults in a two bed. Parking is a nightmare. She works just round the corner but hates her job, yet she needs to work and can't drive so says it's the only job she can do. The boys fight constantly, partly because they're men in their thirties who still have to share a room.
What she thinks will solve the problem is buying a three bed house. So a room for both sons. However selling a two bed will not buy you a three bed in the same area without getting a mortgage which they don't want and at sixty plus I can see why.

The only options I can see are that she considers buying a three bed in another area, further from work and therefore finds a new job. Or she tells the sons she is giving them until this date to move out and she can buy a lovely two or one bed in the area of her choice, maybe give up work and have a better standard of life.
I think this is a much better idea. She refuses to 'kick them out' but everyone would be happier. One son has given up work altogether as he only needs money for the odd take away. The other is saving but also has a brand new car. I think they need independence, the whole house is so full of tension and depression as if this is not how any of them imagined life. They all love each other but need some space.
I'd love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar.

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 27/02/2022 11:35

Adult children need to be served their months notice today

ThunderSnowDrop · 27/02/2022 11:39

@THisbackwithavengeance I do think parents have a responsibility here.
Ime you have to facilitate them getting the job and leaving. 🤷 All of a sudden you all get on better too ..

Kinsters · 27/02/2022 11:40

They sound a bit like my brother. He's 28 and still lives at home - never had a job. It's weird. He has friends, goes to the gym, goes on holiday etc just never worked and has no desire to start now. Luckily my parents have the space for him but they'll want to downsize at some point I'm sure.

Why does it only seem to be men who are like this?

cutebutstabby · 27/02/2022 11:41

She doesn't need more space, she needs less sons! If they can share a bedroom together like saddos then they can definitely each go to a houseshare. She's made it too comfortable at home for them. After they have moved out, she can then think about where she wants to live after that. Her sons are manboys that need to get a life.

ThunderSnowDrop · 27/02/2022 11:42

Are their patents scared of them maybe?
I found my tall,18 year old son intimidating when angry.

FinallyHere · 27/02/2022 11:42

Why does it only seem to be men who are like this?

At a guess I'd say it's because the expectations of women is that much in and help to run the household, cook and clean etc. it's does only seem to be mostly men who are enabled to stay and not contribute.

Kinsters · 27/02/2022 11:44

@ThunderSnowDrop

Are their patents scared of them maybe? I found my tall,18 year old son intimidating when angry.
With my brother my parents won't threaten to kick him out because they worry he'd live on the streets (which seems extremely unlikely but there you go).
Calennig · 27/02/2022 11:46

My mother in law is not in a good place right now, signed off work with depression, saying that she doesn't see the point in living anymore. I'm trying to help her from a practical point of view. She also speaks to me about it as everyone else shuts any discussion of emotions down.

You can't fix this.

There are options MIL has - get her DS to move out, change jobs move areas but she clearly has no intention if doing any of this and instead will moan endlessly to you adding to your stress and impacting on your mental health.

I suspect other's aren't listening becuase they slowly realised this.

I'd point her in direction of GP and gently but firmly point out she does have options - may not be the ones she wants but she has them and no one can do anything about this but her and the rest of the people in the house - you can't solve this.

NeedToDiet · 27/02/2022 11:47

My nephew is 27, so not vastly younger than the two knobbers mentioned by the OP. He suffers with a diagnosed MH problem but has managed to claim benefits and work in a part time capacity. He rents a small flat and shares with a friend. It's not in the most salubrious area of the city we live in and my sister and I help him out and treat him etc because we love him BUT he has said himself that having independence helps him manage his poor mental health. If he can do it, the two 30 year old knobbers can.

ThunderSnowDrop · 27/02/2022 11:53

Kinsters I kind of recognise that fear: mine (due to family circumstances) is that my adult child ends up an addict while I'm not supervising them..but come the crunch young people imo NEED independence.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2022 11:54

@LoHicimosAmigos

I agree but it's not easy for young men, either share a room in a shared house or stay at home and save for their own place, which I imagine is what they intended to do.
Clearly they don't if one isn't working!

What has your DH said?

Personally, I'd leave them to it

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2022 11:55

@LoHicimosAmigos

They do contribute but in different ways. One pays for stuff and the other does a lot around the house. I think they focus on the wrong things to try to solve the problem. One buys them all Waitrose shopping every week, the other paints and decorates. But they're not addressing the real problem, that they all need their own lives. I have very small children and it's kind of hard for me to imagine ever kicking them out either. I guess I'll change my mind about that in time.
Waitrose?

Maybe they need to learn to budget?

thelegohooverer · 27/02/2022 11:55

What about a completely left field solution?

She doesn’t like her job
She doesn’t drive

How about she get a complete change of scenery by applying for a job as a tour rep in a nice hot, sunny holiday spot?

Her sons are old enough to manage without her and if they won’t grow up and move out what’s stopping her from doing it instead?

A few months of sunshine and space away from that stifling environment would help and it doesn’t need to be a permanent move. Just a working holiday while she assessed her priorities.

2bazookas · 27/02/2022 11:56

She should sell and downsize to an easily managed 1 bed property suitable for her eventual retirement. Maybe one of those flats limited to age 50 + . Perfect for an older single lady; secure, managed maintenance, company on hand.

This would be a huge benefit to the overgrown baby boys by making them stand on their own 2 feet and grow up.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/02/2022 12:01

She needs a one bed, manageable flat in an area she likes and they need to live somewhere else.

Boys? Ridiculous.

MatildaTheCat · 27/02/2022 12:04

@2bazookas

She should sell and downsize to an easily managed 1 bed property suitable for her eventual retirement. Maybe one of those flats limited to age 50 + . Perfect for an older single lady; secure, managed maintenance, company on hand.

This would be a huge benefit to the overgrown baby boys by making them stand on their own 2 feet and grow up.

This probably would be the best thing for her to do but given all you have said I very much doubt she will do anything at all. Moving takes a vast amount of effort and decision making that non of them sound capable of.

For your own sanity I suggest you meet her with your DC for coffee/ park/ ice cream and try to enhance her life in small ways like that. You aren’t able to fix any of the rest of it.

VodselForDinner · 27/02/2022 12:04

This is such a strange thread.

There’s now two generations of women wringing their hands about “the boys”.

NorthSouthcatlady · 27/02/2022 12:06

Why is the governments problem or our problem as the taxpayer?! The sons need to work and save proportion to move out. Or just move out and pay their own way. Everyone in that house needs to make some changes. The sons sound too comfortable and MIL doesn’t want to step outside her comfort zone either

fabulousathome · 27/02/2022 12:09

They should move out and share a one bed flat together if they don't want to share with people they don't know.

Both should be working.

StaplesCorner · 27/02/2022 12:10

Just pondering options, how about she moves into a rental (where is the FiL in all this BTW?) and then sons then become her tenants, paying her enough to rent a nice 1 bed - would that work? Or does she still pay a mortgage on the house? In which case ignore me that won't work out financially.

I was also going to ask if the non-working person was on LCWRA (limited capacity for work) benefit but sounds like he has no formal diagnosis - maybe he should be pressed to seek one? It sounds like they have MH conditions or similar? And agree with PP the room sharing thing is contributing to any MH issues they might have.

I'm often pilloried on some threads for saying that your kids are always your kids and you need to help them etc., but it sounds like this men are taking the piss.

RockinHorseShit · 27/02/2022 12:12

They are entitled arseholes & need to grow the feck up

You also enable them by accepting that adult men need parental help to move out & start their own lives as adults ... the world is full of younger men & women getting off their arses & doing for themselves. Expecting anything else is massively entitled & in their 30s & living off mummy, jeez that is seriously messed up. I suspect your MIL encourages it whilst moaning too... my DM did this over DB, but she still mollycoddled him with food, washing & buying his clothes even when he moved out... you can't win in situations like this, it will only drag you down

Listen, advise & when mentioned again say, "if you haven't tried x,y,z, then your as much at fault as sons are & I'm not getting involved as it's draining to keep repeating the same advice, let's change the subject"

Cocomarine · 27/02/2022 12:13

@StaplesCorner would you rely on these two pisstaking losers for rent, to pay your rent? I wouldn’t.

Nemorth · 27/02/2022 12:13

@LoHicimosAmigos

Thanks for the tough love. I feel she needs to here it. It's such a difficult family situation. BiL2 isn't diagnosed but has had a lot of bad luck. It's hard to describe without knowing the family well. They're a very paranoid, depressed family with years of trauma, abuse, precarious financial situations, MH problems and addiction. It's very common where I live. I sometimes get very cross about the BiLs not sorting their lives out but I come from a very well off, stable, confident family, I've never seen my dad being sectioned or had close family die when young. I don't know what I would do, or not do in their shoes. Yes many come from similar backgrounds and achieve amazing things but many do not. I see many through work who are basically incapable of work through what I would call lack of emotional resilience. Your boss tells you your uniform needs an iron, I would move past it, they would ruminate on this, call it a character assassination and never go back.
Oh for goodness sake. More excuses. I experienced my Mum's death at a very early age. Then the death of a family member who almost adopted me (to explain how close). Then a step parent who was an alcoholic and drank the whole family into debt. Surviving parent barely coping.

No financial help at all. In fact my money went to help my surviving parent.

I moved out, by your logic I should still be at home!

The sons need to get somewhere together, somehow. Then your MILs life would change so completely and I bet her neighbours wouldn't even seem that bad afterwards.

Missey85 · 27/02/2022 12:16

She doesn't need a bigger house she just needs to gid rid of the losers imagine being 30 and still sharing a room they need to piss of and leave their mum alone

Cocomarine · 27/02/2022 12:17

You’re so enmeshed in this idea that it’s understandable. Poor “boys” 🙄
You say that one does contribute as he does painting and decorating in the house.
Curious how often that’s been a helpful contribution, in a 2 bed house!!!

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