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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
mugoftea456 · 27/02/2022 14:02

@Migrainesbythedozen I'm not suggesting MIL turns up and takes him straight for a bath. Open presents. Spend half hour playing and having a cuppa. Then do bath time. Life if too short to fall out over stupid things like a kid going to bed an hour late one day a year.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 27/02/2022 14:04

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]**@MNHQ* really need to make a rule that people cannot reply without reading ALL of the OP's post/replies on a thread. Or put it in the rules to join, or something you click on to say you've read all the posts, before you press send. This is getting way beyond a joke now. FFS, OP has only posted 6 times on this thread, surely it's not so much of an effort to click See all* and read only the OP's post/replies before posting on here? Jesus Christ, is 6 posts too much to read? F8ck sake! Hmm[/quote]
My apologies @Migrainesbythedozen, I was reading on my phone and inadvertently skipped the subsequent pages after the first one.

Fantasea · 27/02/2022 14:05

OP, stand your ground and create some boundaries now, I speak from bitter experience with MIL who had to be pandered to, everything was about her. Your son is 3, if you give in this time then next year etc. she will be 'oh but I always see DGS on his birthday'. You say in your OP, 'she has told DH...' Told? Why do her wishes trump yours? You've offered 2 alternatives which she has declined, so she doesn't automatically get her choice. Of course, she wants to see DS open his present but that can be any day, he's 3! She could just as easily do that on her next scheduled visit and have her own quality time with him then.

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 14:06

[quote mugoftea456]@Migrainesbythedozen I'm not suggesting MIL turns up and takes him straight for a bath. Open presents. Spend half hour playing and having a cuppa. Then do bath time. Life if too short to fall out over stupid things like a kid going to bed an hour late one day a year.

[/quote]
You still haven't read the OP's posts, @mugoftea456 . The MIL refuses to do bath time. Regardless of that, the OP has clearly put up with a lot from the MIL and as she said, she just wishes the MIL would make her life easier for once, not harder. Why is it always on the DIL to #BeKind at her own expense and inconvenience herself, when MIL always has to change the agenda and inconvenience everyone? Why can't the MIL not do these stupid things? It's not just 'going to bed an hour late', it is that MIL is continually deliberately messing the OP around and making everything harder for her. It's the principle of the thing.

UnconditionalSurrender · 27/02/2022 14:13

I'm another who thinks she should go to the soft play and see all the other members of the family. But then I have PIL who do whatever suits them despite how much it inconveniences me. I'm pretty sure they do it on purpose as a sort of power play. Plus they wouldn't help if they did turn up on DC's birthday. I have boundaries now.

5128gap · 27/02/2022 14:20

So 20 3 year olds with all the disturbance and over excitement that will cause is fine, but one woman wanting to see her grandchild on his birthday is an insurmountable nuisance? Neither of the events you have planned allow for any one on one quality time for your MIL and DS, which obviously wasn't your priority, but its understandabke she would like it. At soft play she'd be just hanging round in a noisy (rather unpleasant to most adults) environment catching the odd glimpse of him. She's not around for the other party. YABU.

naomi81 · 27/02/2022 14:26

I'd just let other half deal with his mother and son for the night, and just excuse myself to get all the tidying up done in peace ✔️ even miss the bath etc, just make sure he's in bed when she leaves. My mil is the same, her way or no way 🤷‍♀️ she's like that with everyone so I don't take it personally.

ShowOfHands · 27/02/2022 14:45

I've read all the posts so hope I'm allowed to comment.

It's his birthday. She wants to see her grandson open his present. I'd just say "fine, see you then, please bear in mind that we will be doing xyz at these times so you might have to pitch in with bath time but otherwise we're looking forward to seeing you". It doesn't have to be about battles and boundaries and standing grounds or locking horns.

melj1213 · 27/02/2022 14:47

YABVU - I would never stop anyone from wanting to see DD on her birthday unless they literally turned up in the middle of the night.

I can understand MIL not wanting to come to soft play - my DD is now 12 and I managed to avoid the soft play stage because we lived abroad until DD was about 6/7 and soft play wasn't really a thing where we lived so I've never really seen the appeal, it's always so loud, busy and overwhelming whenever I have been in one. I have been the "family supervision" at soft play for younger family members parties and I don't think I ever spent more than about 5 minutes with the birthday child because they were so busy enjoying their friends/playing/eating etc so it's not really quality time.

As for your DSs actual birthday - she cannot attend the actual party as she is working, so I don't see why it would be so bad for her to come after work, spend a little bit of time with DS, have him open his present and then go to bed a bit later. We don't know your MILs work situation but she may not just be able to take the day off like you have. Where I work our holiday year is April to April so by March I rarely have any holiday leave left (and as we can't carry it over March is usually impossible to get holiday unless you book months in advance becauae everyone is trying to use up the odd days they still have left) and I wouldn't expect to have to book a whole day's holiday to see a family member's child on a work day, as J assume was your MILs reasoning too.

Unless you're going to dripfeed that your MIL works 9-2 and could come over in the afternoon then it's not unreasonable that she wants to come over after work - if she works 9-5 then to allow her to finish work, go home and get DSs present/get changed (esp if she has a work uniform) and come over to your house I don't think it's unreasonable for her to say she will be at yours by 6.30 ... you could ask her to come ASAP after work but depending on her commute and the distance between your houses, she may not be able to get there much earlier whether she wants to or not.

frazzledasarock · 27/02/2022 14:53

Your MIL sounds like hard work.

I’d carry on with bath and bed and if she turns up tell her to read him a bedtime story. I really wouldn’t let my dc open presents at bedtime as they’d want to play and then would not sleep till gone 9 which would mean several wakings in the night as they’d be overtired which makes my DC cranky and difficult and then I’d have a screaming tantruming child in the morning who would not be willing to do anything.

I could handle that on a weekend not on a weekday when I need to be in work on time.

BlondeWidow · 27/02/2022 14:53

@ncforthisone22 She'll just turn up anyway.... You do realise this, right?!

frazzledasarock · 27/02/2022 14:57

And thank god my MIL has compassion and common sense and would not demand we allow her to impose like that.

DC will have a lot of birthdays many on weeks days we always have a nanny birthday celebration on which weekend she chooses for DC’s birthday. FIL does the same comes over on the other available weekend. And mine are similar ages to yours and the only grandchildren and the absolute darlings of their grandparents eyes.

ilovemyboys3 · 27/02/2022 15:02

Are you just being difficult because she doesn't want to do what you want her to do. Kids could go in the bath 20-30 minutes later and maybe she could help? Feels like your punishing her because she won't go along with your plan

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 15:19

@ilovemyboys3

Are you just being difficult because she doesn't want to do what you want her to do. Kids could go in the bath 20-30 minutes later and maybe she could help? Feels like your punishing her because she won't go along with your plan
@ilovemyboys3 Read all of the OP's posts. The MIL is the one being difficult because OP won't do what MIL wants her to do. MIL said she won't do bath time. Read all of the OP's threads and you will see the MIL is being difficult and manipulative.
naomi81 · 27/02/2022 15:22

@naomi81

I'd just let other half deal with his mother and son for the night, and just excuse myself to get all the tidying up done in peace ✔️ even miss the bath etc, just make sure he's in bed when she leaves. My mil is the same, her way or no way 🤷‍♀️ she's like that with everyone so I don't take it personally.
Actually I would turn it in to a real positive and be overly greatful, that it would really work for you all for her to come then as you can get everything tidied away whilst she opens presents with her grandchild. She might hate the fact that you think It's a great idea and not come 😂
Sirzy · 27/02/2022 15:22

I have read all the posts but I still think the OP is being stubborn just for the sake of it. She wants to spend time with her grandson opening his presents with him, is that really bad?

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 15:25

@Sirzy

I have read all the posts but I still think the OP is being stubborn just for the sake of it. She wants to spend time with her grandson opening his presents with him, is that really bad?
@Sirzy Because the MIL stubbornly demands it be ON his birthday. The MIL can open presents with him the day after, or afternoon before. She is just too stubborn and has to have it her way. Reading all the posts shows the MIL is the stubborn one who has to have everything her way with zero thought to anyone else. It's not even about the grandson, it's all about her. The posts show this.
ILoveYou3000 · 27/02/2022 15:28

@DearlyBeloathed

Let's hope you don't end up with a DIL like this!
Like what? Happy to include her in events, and offering her two times to celebrate her grandson's birthday, but requesting it not be too late on the actual day to avoid the child becoming too tired and overwrought?

Why when the grandma has been offered 5:30 is she insisting on 6:30? What enjoyment will any of them get then with her grandson overtired? Surely it would make more sense to do a quick pop in at 5:30 then see them at the weekend as OP has offered for lunch/tea/trip out.

Sirzy · 27/02/2022 15:29

We will have to agree to differ on that one! I think at best they are both as bad as each other - especially bearing in mind we only have one side of the story!

AnnesBrokenSlate · 27/02/2022 15:32

I think what's funny about this is if MIL does come and the birthday child ends up tired and over-excited. OP is going to blame it on MIL . . . rather than the fact OP organised a mid-week party with 20 DCs. Grin

InThePresenceOfWeevil · 27/02/2022 15:35

What would you say if it were your own DM that wanted to do this?

Bigbonesmeatandgravy · 27/02/2022 15:35

YANBU
An evening visit from MIL at bedtime after a busy day isn't ideal. She should fit around your family. I completely understand what you mean about minor changes to the routine affecting his sleep as well, I've been there and it's amazing how small changes can be the difference between a good night's sleep and a terrible one. It just isn't worth it.

DearlyBeloathed · 27/02/2022 15:36

Why when the grandma has been offered 5:30 is she insisting on 6:30?

Because of work?

Sisisimone · 27/02/2022 15:39

Are you the OP Migrainesbythedozen? If not you are strangely over invested. It's hardly difficult or manipulative for mil to want to see her grandson for a short time on his birthday. I've always facilitated the family seeing my children on the day of their birthday no matter what else was going in in the way of parties etc. Family is important. Its really not difficult at all to let gran and grandchild spend half an hour together and move bathtime back a short time, or heaven forbid, miss bath for 1 night. Talk about mountain out of a molehill.

ILoveYou3000 · 27/02/2022 15:39

@UniversalAunt

‘ He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.’

He’ll be excited because it’s his birthday & he’s had 20 three year old kids round for a party, fat chance anyway he’ll stick to bedtime routine or your timings.

Grandmother comes round to see him for calming bath time, hugs & cuddles, & bedtime story. Oh look another present!

Where’s mum? Having a well earned feet-up drink in the kitchen after the party waiting for the Deliveroo for the adults, incl MiL who has been at work & come round specially to see her DCC.

Do yourself a favour, don’t look a GiftGrandma in the proverbial…

Except grandma isn't intending to give him a calming bath and cuddles, she's already made clear she wants to give him his present and spend time playing with it, thus getting him all worked up again at the exact time he needs to be winding down.

Surely, it's better for grandma, if her sole intention is quality time with her grandson, to see him at the weekend and do something special with him (even if that's just his present, time to play and another cake).

She has been offered alternatives, she's not interested because she wants her own way, regardless of whether that suits anyone else. Funny how none of the other grandparents are making the same demands and are willing to fit around OP, her DH and the birthday boy.