To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

[ncforthisone22]

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

Is she the type of granny who would help with bath time, read him a bedtime story? If not then I see your point but you might have to grit your teeth just this once. At least she wants to spend time with him!

@hdjdjehhdhdvsv

*hellithurt

Got what an awful MIL making an effort to see her DGC on his birthday* She isn't making an effort though, she could go to softplay or his party and she doesn't want to make the effort to do either of those things. why should this little boys parents be expected to host 3 separate meetings for one birthday?

and why shouldn't a little boy be allowed a party with his friends incase his grandparents don't want to attend?

OP if you want peoples real responses, you should have said 'family member' or 'close relative'. As soon as you say mil you become an evil, blocking bitch.

Be available when you are available and don't ever feel bad for putting your child before an old lady.

Old lady? Gosh what a mean and ageist post. She's in full time work and presumably has very young grandkids if they're all at soft play. She might still be in her forties

It's obvious from the tone of the posts that MIL isn't welcomed or liked by her DIL. Shame really

‘ He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.’

He’ll be excited because it’s his birthday & he’s had 20 three year old kids round for a party, fat chance anyway he’ll stick to bedtime routine or your timings.

Grandmother comes round to see him for calming bath time, hugs & cuddles, & bedtime story. Oh look another present!

Where’s mum? Having a well earned feet-up drink in the kitchen after the party waiting for the Deliveroo for the adults, incl MiL who has been at work & come round specially to see her DCC.

Do yourself a favour, don’t look a GiftGrandma in the proverbial…

In theory if you had a reasonable, helpful, flexible MIL then I would say YABU. But I gather from your posts that she sounds like she does things on her terms / may be purposefully awkward. If that’s the case I get where you’re coming from, as her attitude will make you feel more resentful/resistant to her plans. If you truly think it’ll cause more issues than it’s worth (perhaps she’s not the sort of granny that helps with bathtime/bed etc), of course put your foot down - it’s your house / your DC and she’s been invited to two other events. If she’s usually helpful and not going to make snarky comments about untidy house etc, your DC will cope with a quick visit before bed, I’m sure.

@ncforthisone22

Gosh lots of replies I can't come back to everyone individually. It looks like I'm being unreasonable.

The softplay party is 4x nct children plus half a dozen family children (MIL's other grandchildren). It's a small softplay room which we have hired exclusively with a separate room for tea and cake for everyone. It's hardly softplay hell although I accept it would not be all about MIL spending one on one time with DS.

For the tea, its his classmates coming for a play and run around for an hour, followed by sandwiches and cake. They'll be gone by 5, ready for us all to wind down before (pre)school the following day. They are all 2-3 and spend 3 hours at pre-school each morning, I don't think a 2 hour afternoon commitment is that out of the ordinary for anyone. If MIL wanted to come immediately after the party, that would work, but by 6.30 we will have calmed down and be starting bath/bed routine. One night does make a difference for us with a bad sleeper.

And to those asking if I work. Yes I do, and I've taken the day off. MIL would be welcome to visit at a different time on a weekend if that suited her better, but it has to be on the actual day

Absolutely not unreasonable. The softplay part sounds perfect for her to spend time with her whole family. Coming 1.5hr after a party. When he's settled and ready for bath and bed to hype him back up again is just not viable at all.

What really pisses me off about mumsnet is that you're getting a bollocking now for not letting her do whatever she wants despite it inconveniencing you. But afterwards when you complain about what a nightmare it was getting him to sleep and the house is still a tip because you couldn't tidy up because he was over tired and kept misbehaving and how it's totally put a dampner on the day and you were looking forward to getting him to bed and relaxing with a glass of wine you'll then get a bollocking for NOT standing up for yourself and letting her come when you knew it was inconvenient.

Why should she come just because she wants to when you don't want her to and think it'll make your life harder? I don't understand why people think you should suck it up and make your life more difficult for her.

@UniversalAunt

‘ He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.’

He’ll be excited because it’s his birthday & he’s had 20 three year old kids round for a party, fat chance anyway he’ll stick to bedtime routine or your timings.

Grandmother comes round to see him for calming bath time, hugs & cuddles, & bedtime story. Oh look another present!

Where’s mum? Having a well earned feet-up drink in the kitchen after the party waiting for the Deliveroo for the adults, incl MiL who has been at work & come round specially to see her DCC.

Do yourself a favour, don’t look a GiftGrandma in the proverbial…

@UniversalAunt Are you another one who didn't bother to read all OP's posts before replying? MIL doesn't want to do bathtime. All she wants to do is play with him; ncforthisone22 Sun 27-Feb-22 09:21:23 DH did suggest the nanny bath time option, but she wanted to do presents (and playing with presents) and went down the line that some PP's are taking "surely one late night won't hurt". I just don't think that's what's in DS's best interests. He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.

Make sure a toy that you by ds is a bath toy.
At 6:25 announce you're running his bath and ds can play with toy.
At 6:30 as ds if he wants dg to watch him in the bath??...

I'd reiterate to her
A come to soft play and watch ds have fun
B come to his party and watch ds have fun
C come after the party but ds will be in the bath at 6:30.

I'd want a firm bedtime too, mine would just continue to wind themselves up until sleep would be impossible. Which isn't kind to them.

@Friendofdennis

Let grandma come over on his birthday as she has asked It sounds as if you are making her feel unwelcome But perhaps there is more to your relationship than we know

@Friendofdennis If you actually bothered to read all of the OP's post and replies on this thread, you would have seen that yes, there definitely is more to their relationship.

The thing is. I'd have a totally different response with my mum and even PILs possibly. If I gave MIL direct instructions to do a calm bedtime routine she would, she wouldn't directly go against me and hype him up. And my mum would give him a present, have a cuddle and a song then send him to bed while she cleaned up.

You've clearly said that not what she's going to do though so don't ruin his birthday pandering to a grown woman. It'll work perfectly the way you've planned it. He'll have a lovely day and go to sleep easily with everyone feeling chill and happy and you can relax and tidy up 9nce he's in bed. I wouldn't change that for anyone.

@LassoOfTruth

Is she the type of granny who would help with bath time, read him a bedtime story? If not then I see your point but you might have to grit your teeth just this once. At least she wants to spend time with him!

The OP has already said in her posts on this thread, that are easily found, that the granny won't do bath time. MIL doesn't want to do bathtime. All she wants to do is play with him; *ncforthisone22 Sun 27-Feb-22 09:21:23 DH did suggest the nanny bath time option, but she wanted to do presents (and playing with presents) and went down the line that some PP's are taking "surely one late night won't hurt". I just don't think that's what's in DS's best interests. He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.*

@Hobbesmanc It's obvious from the tone of the posts that MIL isn't welcomed or liked by her DIL. Shame really
Well you know what, that tends to happen when the MIL is difficult person and a manipulator who always has to have the agenda of everything to suit her. Maybe read the OP's posts and it will be very apparent why the OP might not like her that much. Pretty obvious that MIL has caused issues and is reaping what she sowed.

@Gizacluethen What really pisses me off about mumsnet is that you're getting a bollocking now for not letting her do whatever she wants despite it inconveniencing you. But afterwards when you complain about what a nightmare it was getting him to sleep and the house is still a tip because you couldn't tidy up because he was over tired and kept misbehaving and how it's totally put a dampner on the day and you were looking forward to getting him to bed and relaxing with a glass of wine you'll then get a bollocking for NOT standing up for yourself and letting her come when you knew it was inconvenient.

Exactly, OP is the one being inconvenienced by a spiteful and manipulative MIL, and now OP is the one being made out to be the bad guy for not #BeingKind (at her expense) by people who do not bother to read all the OP's posts.

YANBU. At first I was on the fence but your latest post describes the softplay weekend thing much much better. THAT is the family party and time for her to see him. She’s free she’s just choosing not to attend. A lot of GPs would happily sit with a cuppa and enjoy watching all their grandchildren playing together and chatting to the parents. That is special in itself. It’s not a massive public soft-play area. The update on the party at home timing also put me more in favour of YNBU. Your 3 year old WILL be tired post party. He’ll likely have calmed by 6:30 and be in need of a bath and bed. Mine would sleep quickly from exhaustion and I’m be craving sitting relaxing myself at the end of that busy day. If you MIL comes at 6:30 with the expectation that he’ll open and PLAY with her gift we’ll that bedtime totally thrown abs there goes you relaxing evening too!! Selfish of her. She’s ample opportunity to see him around his birthday.

I don’t understand people’s need to see them on “the day”. We see relatives whenever suits us (and them!) around about the birthday. Sometimes that will be the day itself but more often than not it will be a few days or a week either side. My DC can then take time to enjoy each visit and open gifts in front of the giver etc. Otherwise it’s squeezing everything into one day for the sake of it. What about when you child is older and wants to do things with friends? Will the be expected to be available on THEIR birthday to granny? Nonsense.

YANBU tel MIL you full expect your child to be settling for bedtime by 6:30 so she can see him 5-6pm, or at the family softplay or at another point on the weekend.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Post party he ain't going to bed at 6 30 ish.. Yabu for thinking that. Invite granny. Pour yourself a glass. Let dh deal with the aftermath.

Agreed!

@ncforthisone22

I don't have a big history with MIL but this is a pattern. Every plan we make has to be exactly what suits her, regardless of whether it's convenient for anyone else

Seems you have a lot in common

Don’t be so uptight. He is not going to spend time with granny at softplay! Just let her come and see him. One evening of late bedtime won’t hurt him.

On side note - you are hosting 20 3 year olds! 😳 Good luck

I guess only you know your MIL and what is best for your child but before you raise it and make this a thing just consider if this is the particular hill you want to die on. Its annoying if its a pattern but it is just one day.

I was that routine bound parent for a period, and I still, 35 years on, feel awful about my mumzilla moment. We only saw my parents maybe every couple of months. We were visiting and staying overnight, and my mum said that her best friend would like to pop over to see the baby for the first time (baby was probably about six months old). We said fine, and agreed a time just before bath time. The friend didn't arrive so we started bath time (this was way before mobile phones). The friend then arrived, having been held up by a road closure following an accident.
My mum asked if we could bring the baby downstairs afterwards so the friend could see her. And we said no. because our routine is that DD didn't come downstairs again after bath, but straight into her cot.

I can feel myself wincing and blushing now. I can't believe how badly we treated that friend and humiliated my mum. I promise that we loosened right up not long afterwards, but when I read OPs like this one, it all comes back to me.

Please don't be me 35 years ago, OP. Routine isn't everything, and people who love your child matter too.

I'm still blushing having written that.

You are being difficult. Gran can do bath/story/bed and you a DP can clear the house up. I would be specifically asking my MiL or mum to do this to help us out !

@mugoftea456

You are being difficult. Gran can do bath/story/bed and you a DP can clear the house up. I would be specifically asking my MiL or mum to do this to help us out !

Oh ffs @mugoftea456 not yet another poster. Are you another one who didn't bother to read all OP's posts before replying? MIL doesn't want to do bath time. She doesn't want to help clean up or do anything. All she wants to do is play with him; *ncforthisone22 Sun 27-Feb-22 09:21:23 DH did suggest the nanny bath time option, but she wanted to do presents (and playing with presents) and went down the line that some PP's are taking "surely one late night won't hurt". I just don't think that's what's in DS's best interests. He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.*

READ ALL THE OP'S POSTS BEFORE REPLYING.

So, if she goes to softplay she'll be with her other grandchildren and family

Perfectly reasonable

@saraclara
someone on the ward when ds was born offered to take a photo, i didnt want to disturb ds so it was only of me and dh, also squirming

I would gladly hand over DS to her for presents, bath time, whatever, while DH and I tidied up after the party. He'll be tired and grumpy anyway so it could do you a huge favour. You say it's not your DSs best interests but that's not quite true is it. You just want things to happen your way, which is fine, but your son's best interests could definitely include a loving grandparent.

@MNHQ really need to make a rule that people cannot reply without reading ALL of the OP's post/replies on a thread. Or put it in the rules to join, or something you click on to say you've read all the posts, before you press send. This is getting way beyond a joke now. FFS, OP has only posted 6 times on this thread, surely it's not so much of an effort to click See all and read only the OP's post/replies before posting on here? Jesus Christ, is 6 posts too much to read? F8ck sake!

@ncforthisone22

I don't have a big history with MIL but this is a pattern. Every plan we make has to be exactly what suits her, regardless of whether it's convenient for anyone else

You can never properly explain this sort of thing, written down it always looks petty, but I know what you mean - basiclly she is just a PITA and you are sick of it being one way?

I would leave it with your DH, it is his mother, and say to him if she comes round at bedtime then you want him to do bedtime and you will pop out.

Sometimes you have to just leave them to it.