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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/02/2022 12:39

You are being very precious

You don’t want ds routine changed

You are doing that by having 20 extra children at his on his birthday

I get the 630 bedtime. My dd goes then but if she goes later on her birthday then not a problem

It’s once a year.

Plus assuming this is soon, dd is end of March birthday so her 3rd and 4th birthday had no party due to lockdown.

You have a loving granny who wants to spend time with her grandchild

Dd granny’s are both dead, I would give anything for one to be alive and want to come over

Kitkat151 · 27/02/2022 12:40

@Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. I don't understand why people always make birthdays about THEM and what suits them. It's about the child and what is best for the child. The person who decides that is the child's mother.

Relatives and friends need to accommodate the child on the child's birthday, not the other way around. I a MIL like this and things get completely out of hand. Now I am very much 'there is ONE party, if you want to be there then BE THERE, there will be NO OTHER PARTIES because there is ONE PARTY. The end.' Stand your ground OP and do what you want. That doesn't make you an inconsiderate DIL, it makes you an excellent mother and a great DIL because you invited your MIL and she has chosen not to attend either gathering.

What about the child’s father? It’s not all about mothers you know🙄.....you sound very controlling
Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 27/02/2022 12:40

I just don't understand why the DIL must compromise and not the MIL? And what about MIL's son? Shouldn't he just deal with this? Why is it always the DIL?

AhNowTed · 27/02/2022 12:42

You're making a huge big fuss over absolutely nothing.

It IS one day.

Are you this immovable in other ways.

nancybotwinbloom · 27/02/2022 12:43

Pick your battles op.

Moonshine160 · 27/02/2022 12:43

YANBU.

I have in-laws who will show up unannounced just as I’m getting the kids ready for bed when they’ve had ample opportunity to see them at different times but it just didn’t suit them, and it drives me crackers.

If someone wanted to visit my 3 year old DS at 6:30pm then I’d be saying no, it’s too late. Could she come during a morning for breakfast to see him open his present? Before the parties that she doesn’t want to attend?

LibbyL92 · 27/02/2022 12:45

I sense you are annoyed with MIL and anything she does or says is going to annoy you.

It’s one night. Just let her see her grandson. It really isn’t a big deal.

She gets some personal quality time with him then.

Sirzy · 27/02/2022 12:45

@Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie

I just don't understand why the DIL must compromise and not the MIL? And what about MIL's son? Shouldn't he just deal with this? Why is it always the DIL?
Well in this case because the reasons for wanting to come at that time are reasonable, if she is at work she is at work and it’s very understandable she wants to spend 1-1 time with her grandson rather than sit watching him at a party!
Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 27/02/2022 12:46

I should say - it all very much depends on the relationship and history. My comments are based on the fact that OP seems to have in-laws that push boundaries and always want things 'their way'. Obviously if that's not the case, or it's a one off it's absolutely fine, but I'm coming from the context of having really difficult MILs who always change plans to suit them. Which I think is wrong.

lborgia · 27/02/2022 12:47

I completely understand your reasoning, but do not make this the hill you die on!!

It's giving in to her usual manner, it's not a great time to do it, and it may well go tits up.

But I'd let it all just play out, glass/cuppa in house. You'll be too knackered to get het up, and ds may love it.

Just make sure that 45 mins after she's arrived, he's off getting ready for bed. Offer her the chance to get him settled, teeth, story etc etc. If that works, you've delegated some stuff, if not, you can fall asleep reading...

Save the learning opportunity for another dayGrin

Concestor · 27/02/2022 12:48

I'm so surprised by the vitriol on here! YANBU OP. My children also need bedtime to be as routine as possible, and especially did at 3, and I wouldn't even let my own mum (who is lovely and helpful) come at 6.30pm let alone someone unhelpful. And my mum wouldn't even suggest it because she knows the routine is important and puts the children first.

Your mil has a number of options:
Attend the soft play party
Come at 5pm on the birthday itself
Meet up another day to do gifts

It really doesn't need to be on the actual day itself, my children almost never see grandparents on the day because we live far apart so we do a weekend, sometimes it's weeks away from the birthday itself and that's fine! The children enjoy an extra birthday celebration and grandparents get an occasion that works for them.

Your mil is being unreasonable and making it all about her and i honestly don't understand all the replies castigating you. There's a huge difference between a playdate and tea after school, and someone arriving at bathtime!

dottydodah · 27/02/2022 12:50

You say MIL has been invited to a Soft play party.well fairly obv this would not be her "thing" and a party for 20 children! Neither would appeal to me either .Plus the party is during work time .DS is likely to be high as a kite after that ,so maybe DGM coming over may help .Surely an hour or so would be OK .She can read him a story and sit with him while you clear up/have a G and T to recover ?

Bromse · 27/02/2022 12:53

@Soontobe60

It’s your son’s birthday, he will most likely love seeing his granny! He’s going to be high as a kite after having 20 kids round for tea (you must be bonkers doing this on a school night) so having granny round to maybe help bath him and settle him into bed would be lovely. YA definitely BU.
I agree.
MissMarplesGoddaughter · 27/02/2022 12:55

@hellithurt

Got what an awful MIL making an effort to see her DGC on his birthday.
My thoughts exactly!!! The nerve of the woman!!!
hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 27/02/2022 12:56

you're getting a hard time on here op. You aren't unreasonable. you gave two options, she can't decline both and then moan. who wants to host someone after a party? Get your husband to talk to her though because as we can all see, you get ridiculous shit for saying no as a woman

hdjdjehhdhdvsv · 27/02/2022 13:01

*hellithurt

Got what an awful MIL making an effort to see her DGC on his birthday* She isn't making an effort though, she could go to softplay or his party and she doesn't want to make the effort to do either of those things. why should this little boys parents be expected to host 3 separate meetings for one birthday?

and why shouldn't a little boy be allowed a party with his friends incase his grandparents don't want to attend?

OP if you want peoples real responses, you should have said 'family member' or 'close relative'. As soon as you say mil you become an evil, blocking bitch.

Be available when you are available and don't ever feel bad for putting your child before an old lady.

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 13:02

@Dreambigger

You're overthinking this. At least she is making the effort. Just leave the house a mess and have her do the bath and help out and let her give the present. Its not a big deal unless you make it one. He will over excited anyway and bedtime routines are not set in stone. Relax a bit..its supposed to be fun for your DS.
@Dreambigger didn't you read all the OP's posts/updates before you posted? She doesn't want to do the bath time. She doesn't want to help out. She just wants to sit and play with him. DH did suggest the nanny bath time option, but she wanted to do presents (and playing with presents) and went down the line that some PP's are taking "surely one late night won't hurt". I just don't think that's what's in DS's best interests. He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.
HumunaHey · 27/02/2022 13:02

I think the varying opinions are related to how important it is to see someone on their actual birthday.

I personally don't think it's that important for a DGM to see DGC on the actual birthday, so I really think OP is not BU.

Also, it seems DGM is able to come sooner than 6.30 but she's choosing that time which she must know that, with a toddler, the later it is, the more inconvenient.

knittingaddict · 27/02/2022 13:03

@ncforthisone22

DH did suggest the nanny bath time option, but she wanted to do presents (and playing with presents) and went down the line that some PP's are taking "surely one late night won't hurt". I just don't think that's what's in DS's best interests. He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.
So you would never be flexible with his night time routine, ever? Not for anything?

I was a strong supporter of routine when my children were little, but you sound a far too rigid about it. It does come across that this is because it's your mil. When are you giving your child their presents? At softplay or at your home party or on a separate occasion? I think it would be nice for your child's grandmother to have a bit of time with him on his birthday and see him open his presents from her.

DearlyBeloathed · 27/02/2022 13:04

@zurala

I'm so surprised by the vitriol on here! YANBU OP. My children also need bedtime to be as routine as possible, and especially did at 3, and I wouldn't even let my own mum (who is lovely and helpful) come at 6.30pm let alone someone unhelpful. And my mum wouldn't even suggest it because she knows the routine is important and puts the children first.

Your mil has a number of options:
Attend the soft play party
Come at 5pm on the birthday itself
Meet up another day to do gifts

It really doesn't need to be on the actual day itself, my children almost never see grandparents on the day because we live far apart so we do a weekend, sometimes it's weeks away from the birthday itself and that's fine! The children enjoy an extra birthday celebration and grandparents get an occasion that works for them.

Your mil is being unreasonable and making it all about her and i honestly don't understand all the replies castigating you. There's a huge difference between a playdate and tea after school, and someone arriving at bathtime!

Come at 5pm on the birthday itself

When she's still at work?

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 13:05

@Kitkat151 You don't think MIL is reaping what she has sowed? She is clearly from all the OP's posts, a very difficult and manipulative woman who wants have the agenda all her own way and isn't interested in helping out the OP. Maybe you should read (all) of OP's posts again.

HumunaHey · 27/02/2022 13:07

@dottydodah

You say MIL has been invited to a Soft play party.well fairly obv this would not be her "thing" and a party for 20 children! Neither would appeal to me either .Plus the party is during work time .DS is likely to be high as a kite after that ,so maybe DGM coming over may help .Surely an hour or so would be OK .She can read him a story and sit with him while you clear up/have a G and T to recover ?
FFS it's not about the GM. It's a party for a little boy. It's not about where it "would appeal" to someone else.

I've been to plenty of weddings, parties, etc. that didn't appeal to me. I still showed up to support and be with people I care about. I also love sitting back and watching my DS play with his friends. You see their personality really shining through. I'd have thought a GM would like that too.

I didn't know it was the done thing not to go to a loved one's celebration just because it wasn't your thing.

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 13:09

@Gazorpazorp

MiL has already been given the suggestion of doing bathtime and putting her grandson to bed and she still isn’t happy. OP is not unreasonable to tell MiL to do one.
Exactly. People on here never bother to read an OP's actual posts before responding.
Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 13:10

@334bu

*MiL has already been given the suggestion of doing bathtime and putting her grandson to bed and she still isn’t happy. OP is not unreasonable to tell MiL to do one.*

I would have thought that being able to spend one on one time with grandson, putting him to bed, reading a story etc, would be welcomed by most grandmothers. OP is not being unreasonable but grandmother is.

Yep.
Friendofdennis · 27/02/2022 13:10

Let grandma come over on his birthday as she has asked It sounds as if you are making her feel unwelcome But perhaps there is more to your relationship than we know