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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
Sisisimone · 27/02/2022 15:40

Why when the grandma has been offered 5:30 is she insisting on 6:30?
Do you not work? Surely it's not difficult to realise that most people can't come and go as they please from their workplace.

bg21 · 27/02/2022 15:46

This reply has been deleted

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LuaDipa · 27/02/2022 15:48

It doesn’t work for you, just get dh to say no.

Fwiw, we got into bad habits with dpil, they weren’t interested in the kids parties or doing anything where my family were present, but they always wanted to see the kids on their actual birthday for a birthday dinner (that I had to cook and host at my house). The only thing that stopped this was Covid. Even when ds turned 14 and asked to go out to his favourite restaurant for dinner instead, mil kicked off. They were invited, but ‘that’s not what we do on dgc birthday’ and ‘but it’s a family tradition’. To pacify them, I had to do another dinner another night at my house for them. We were going away for the weekend and could have done without it but it wasn’t worth the falling out so I just did it. They still harped on about not seeing ds on his actual birthday (all directed at me since it was clearly my fault that ds was growing up and wanting to do different things). Thankfully they haven’t mentioned it since Covid, which is a bonus as ds will no doubt be out with his friends not having a family dinner with us.

Don’t get in the habit of agreeing to ‘traditions’ that don’t suit because you might be held to them for a long time afterwards. Stand your ground now.

aloris · 27/02/2022 15:53

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Everyone is saying it will be so special for his grandmother to spend time with him on his birthday. When does he get to spend special time with his mum and dad on his birthday? His father will get home from work to find grandmother is there and as soon as she leaves it will be your son's bedtime. This to me, looks like an example of your MIL expecting to be the center of your family life.

Rebecca12356777 · 27/02/2022 15:54

Maybe she wants to see him alone ? While there’s not loads of school kids there? I wouldn’t mind I’d like the extra help at bedtime . I’d just tell her he needs to be in bed by 8:30/9? Your being abit mean

5128gap · 27/02/2022 15:54

I think some people just get a perverse enjoyment from showing their MIL who the boss is. The arguments about disturbing routine are very weak in the context of a full on party. I get you are annoyed by her and there's a history; so tackle the real issues, rather than this petty muscle flexing over what should be a lovely occasion.

ILoveYou3000 · 27/02/2022 15:54

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I think what's funny about this is if MIL does come and the birthday child ends up tired and over-excited. OP is going to blame it on MIL . . . rather than the fact OP organised a mid-week party with 20 DCs. Grin
Nope. She's already said she expects him to be tired and grumpy, which is why her MiL coming over at that time is inconvenient.
LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2022 15:54

I agree with those saying that being so wedded to routine sounds stifling. And completely unrealistic on his birthday when he will be all excited and a bit deregulated…his bedtime routine and bed time is not going to be the same as every other day! So why not let MIL come, she can play with him for a while or whatever and you can have some chill time with a glass of wine 🍷 👍

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 15:55

Ukraine comments are really insensitive and unhelpful on this thread. It’s an unnecessary guilt trip.

Rebecca12356777 · 27/02/2022 15:56

Although are all your family coming to the soft play ? So there not seeing him alone ? I suppose she is acting abit superior , I’ve changed my mind 😂

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 15:57

And muscle flexing goes both ways. If I was a MIL I would just take some time off work and be helpful to my DIL.

Shainago · 27/02/2022 15:57

Would you have allowed it if it was your own mum wanting to come at 6:30 to see her grandchild on his birthday?

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 15:59

No because she would attend the party Grin

WaitingToExhale · 27/02/2022 15:59

I understand where you're coming from. After a party I would just want to settle my little one down rather than adding another visit. She just wants her time with him on his birthday. So let her have it but mention that 18h30 is late and he's going to be knackered. It'll be a short visit anyway.

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 16:00

Same rules for all, that’s the point of a party. Everyone gathers in one place to celebrate one person….

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2022 16:01

@Cookiecrumblepie

Ukraine comments are really insensitive and unhelpful on this thread. It’s an unnecessary guilt trip.
Seen a few threads in the last couple of days wherein someone has trotted out ‘meanwhile in Ukraine’. Why? It adds nothing and the thread topic will have no relevance to UK
Staffy1 · 27/02/2022 16:01

Let her come on his actual birthday like she wants to. The event on the day is in working hours so her request is not unreasonable. It’s one day of having their bath delayed, not a big deal.

Sirzy · 27/02/2022 16:03

@Cookiecrumblepie

And muscle flexing goes both ways. If I was a MIL I would just take some time off work and be helpful to my DIL.
Because it’s always that easy to just take time off work isn’t it Hmm
ILoveYou3000 · 27/02/2022 16:03

@ncforthisone22

Just out of curiosity, what time does your MiL finish work and how far away is her workplace from you? What's the earliest she could get to yours without missing any time at work?

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 16:08

@Sirzy ahh yes it is. Birthdays are on the same day every year. You have a legal entitlement to annual leave.

KarmaStar · 27/02/2022 16:15

Get her to help settle him whilst you have a glass of wine with dh and clear up.
Choose your battles wisely.
Yabu here,there may be reasons why ball parties are too much for her.
Have a great time.💐🌈

VladmirsPoutine · 27/02/2022 16:19

Reading threads like this on MN genuinely gives me anxiety about being a MiL one day. If they dare blink or breathe incorrectly they'll never see their grandkids till the grandkids are graduating Uni.

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 16:25

@VladmirsPoutine but your child wouldn’t cut you out?! A child has two parents don’t they? So just have a good relationship with your own child and don’t expect their partner to take the mental load

Sirzy · 27/02/2022 16:27

[quote Cookiecrumblepie]@Sirzy ahh yes it is. Birthdays are on the same day every year. You have a legal entitlement to annual leave.[/quote]
Not all workplaces let you just take random days.

The OP has herself indicated that there are a fair few grandchildren so how much of her holiday allowance should she use up to be allowed her allocated slot to visit?

Maybe she didn’t think nipping to see her Grandchild after work on his birthday would be an issue - especially given it is highly probable that restrictions have meant she hasn’t previously been able to see him on his birthday.

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 16:30

@Sirzy my point is, if she wanted to be there, she would find a way. If she couldn’t, the surely she can just go another day. What’s the issue? Why MUST MIL visit on the precise birthday? Why the inflexibility and rigidity?

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