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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that having a short break away from motherhood doesn’t make you a bad parent?

195 replies

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 07:44

Imagine you’ve got two children aged 8 and 5.

They are amazing children but they come with the usual trials and tribulations of having children that age.

They are very mother focused - imagine they follow you everywhere, every time they want something it’s you they come to (even if their dad is sitting right next to them) and you do the majority of typical parenting tasks, school runs, homework, playing with them, bath times, sorting out play dates etc, simply because you are home more than their dad is due to your working hours.

If you were given the opportunity for someone else to take them on holiday for a week which meant you got 7 days of being home alone, in a peaceful and clean house, with the freedom to do what you wanted and when you wanted, would you take up on the offer?

It doesn’t make you a bad parent does it to just want some child-free time?

OP posts:

hellithurt · 27/02/2022 13:24

@Fallingonice

Because you asked in AIBU if you were being unreasonable. It doesn’t mean I don’t think your colleagues aren’t bloody rude.

But I am a bit baffled as to when you spend all this time with your children given one is in school all week, dad gets up with him at weekends, takes him out on Saturday and takes him on holiday as well.

Yes, there’s evenings and Sundays but that isn’t an even split at all. Fair enough you’re happy with it but pretending it’s totally equal and fair is just daft. And I don’t doubt you do a lot and I’m sure your DH gets downtime as well but there is a difference between going out in the evening where children are / getting ready for bed and weekend and holiday downtime.

What about the holidays that OP has? She spends those with the children? She's not got as much holiday as her DH, which is why he is able to to take the children away.

hellithurt · 27/02/2022 13:25

@Fallingonice

I’m not baffled by it but the point is that it’s not like the OP gets no time in the house alone, she gets it pretty much every week. So this desperate need to get a bit of personal space and down time while the husband and kids go away on holiday shouldn’t be that much of a novelty.

To put it another way I would be a bit posset off if it was me.

Well it's not you and her DH is perfectly happy with the arrangement. So it's great!

Midlifemusings · 27/02/2022 13:28

Of course not. You and each child are distinct people. I never quite understand when people see their kids as an extension of themselves rather than as individuals. You aren't cutting off your arm - you are three different people who will be in different places for a few days. That is 100% normal and healthy. You should never be 100% defined by any one role in your life.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 13:28

I’m not baffled by it but the point is that it’s not like the OP gets no time in the house alone, she gets it pretty much every week

That’s news to me.

When do I?

OP posts:

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 13:43

Every Saturday, unless you live with other family members.

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 13:47

But tbf there’s nothing at all to be gained by sniping at one another here - if you’re happy and your husband is happy then that’s really all anyone needs to worry themselves with.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 13:47

Oh you mean the 5 hours I get on a Saturday afternoon….

Compared to the 7.5 hours my husband gets by going to the gym three times a week.

You’re right, talk about me being a selfish and lazy parent.

OP posts:

OneMillionSteps · 27/02/2022 13:48

I think Falling is cross with her own DH (from other posts) and taking her annoyance out on you OP.

BobLep0nge · 27/02/2022 13:48

I think a lot of people are just jealous that you didn't pick a shit man to be your husband and father your children.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 13:48

But tbf there’s nothing at all to be gained by sniping at one another here - if you’re happy and your husband is happy then that’s really all anyone needs to worry themselves with.

Quite.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

OP posts:

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 13:50

No I’m not cross with anyone - actually I was a bit annoyed with DH last night but we’ve sorted it, and I’m definitely not cross with the OP, although I see she is with me and I’m trying to diffuse the situation a bit.

I do think there’s a big difference between getting a block of time alone to chill at home and getting a few hours here and there at the gym though.

Plus you’ve said yourself you get to chill in bed in the morning.

MunchyMonsters · 27/02/2022 13:50

My kids used to go off for four weeks every summer holidays my parents. I couldn't go, but I wouldn't have wanted them to miss out!

It's perfectly okay for you to have time alone and to bloody enjoy it !

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 14:00

Plus you’ve said yourself you get to chill in bed in the morning.

Well I may be lying in bed whilst my husband is in the living room with the children, but sadly our living room is on the same floor as our bedroom so they’re only two strides and one door away, which unfortunately doesn’t block our noise or children. I don’t know what your children are like, but my two, in between making lots of noise, certainly find reasons to come in to the bedroom and talk to me every 5 minutes and ask me 100 inane questions about Paw Patrol and Roblox.

So I may be in bed with a cup of tea, but I’m certainly not chilling out in peace and quiet.

OP posts:

Cavagirl · 27/02/2022 14:00

This shit is why I share minimal stuff with people at work

Lesperance · 27/02/2022 14:01

@Fallingonice

I do think there’s a big difference between getting a block of time alone to chill at home and getting a few hours here and there at the gym though.

Plus you’ve said yourself you get to chill in bed in the morning.

Here's a suggestion. You could diffuse by just dropping it. The OP has been very patient with you, but it is off topic whether or not it is equal, the post is about children going on holiday without their parents.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 27/02/2022 14:02

I get it Op @PaddlingLikeADuck I’ve never been away from my kids for more than one night and I’m going away for a week soon to visit a family member I’m extremely close to who I’ve not seen for 2 years for a their big bday. I’ve had a few comments from other mothers!

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 14:02

And I do think there’s a big difference between getting a block of time alone to chill at home and getting a few hours here and there at the gym though.

But that’s just because it’s your preference.

If I said to my husband, would you rather spend 5 hours alone in the house in one go, or be able to go out to the gym three evenings a week, I don’t think the first option would be his choice

OP posts:

Mummy1608 · 27/02/2022 14:03

@Cavagirl

This shit is why I share minimal stuff with people at work

This is an underrated tip and it took me years to learn this habit. When I started a new job three years ago I stopped sharing with colleagues. My life is happier now

rainbowunicorn · 27/02/2022 14:14

@Fallingonice

I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you; the main thing is that you’re happy with the arrangement as it stands and you clearly are.

Says the person doing the most judging in this thread.

poetryandwine · 27/02/2022 14:15

Your colleague is the problem. The holidays sound lovely for everyone.

My Nana was one of the most devoted mums ever and her children knew it. But DF and his sister still remember with great happiness being Sent Away to the two maiden aunts and bachelor uncle who had stayed on in the country home where my DGF grew up. Of course they were spoiled rotten the whole time and it was a bit of a break for Nana, who was a de facto single parent as DGF was usually at sea. This occurred every summer for a month from the time DF, the younger, was about 5.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz is right: aside from anything else, your colleague’s attitude is massively selfish.

Hexagonmum · 27/02/2022 14:20

Why even bother with what they think? Why let it affect you? Are they that important in your life that you're giving them the power to upset you?

This set up works for you and your family. You're happy with this, so is your husband and children...that's all that matters.

Everything else is just noise and pointless.

I make a point of having one holiday per year without the kids and a weekend a year without the kids. It doesn't make me any less of a mum. I happily shout it from the rooftops when I book my holidays and I explain to my dc that I need my holidays and that I can't wait when they are older to see them going away with their friends. They understand and have the best time with their dad.

NamechangeApril21 · 27/02/2022 15:08

@Fallingonice

I do think there’s a big difference between getting a block of time alone to chill at home and getting a few hours here and there at the gym though.

Plus you’ve said yourself you get to chill in bed in the morning.

If this is you diffusing a situation I'd hate to see you antagonising one

NamechangeApril21 · 27/02/2022 15:11

Sounds like you've picked a good man to be your husband and father of your children OP, and the negative comments are coming from jealous people. Ignore the internalised misogyny.

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 15:59

I haven’t been rude or belligerent @NamechangeApril21 I mean, I’ve had a view that differs to the consensus but it isn’t as if I’ve been notably arsey about it.

allmysons · 27/02/2022 20:01

Sounds like a perfect set up to me.
Your collage is probably jealous she didn't have the same opportunity when her kids were little.

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