To think that having a short break away from motherhood doesn’t make you a bad parent?

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

Imagine you’ve got two children aged 8 and 5.

They are amazing children but they come with the usual trials and tribulations of having children that age.

They are very mother focused - imagine they follow you everywhere, every time they want something it’s you they come to (even if their dad is sitting right next to them) and you do the majority of typical parenting tasks, school runs, homework, playing with them, bath times, sorting out play dates etc, simply because you are home more than their dad is due to your working hours.

If you were given the opportunity for someone else to take them on holiday for a week which meant you got 7 days of being home alone, in a peaceful and clean house, with the freedom to do what you wanted and when you wanted, would you take up on the offer?

It doesn’t make you a bad parent does it to just want some child-free time?

I’m not saying that this isn’t something they or you should do, it’s more recognising you do get a fair bit of time without them as it is, so I can understand your colleagues being a bit surprised.

5 hours a week without them is classed as a “fair bit of time?” and also too high an amount that means I deserve judgement for also saying it’s okay for them to go on holiday with their dad without me?

Blimey.

@PaddlingLikeADuck

It’s my husband they go away with. He takes them away about 2-3 times a year without me and this has been a tradition of our family for the last 5-6 years. He’s a teacher so gets all the half terms off, whereas obviously I don’t, so outside of our family holidays he will take them away on his own. Sometimes for one week and sometimes for two.

I miss the children terribly when they’re gone but I have never thought that them being away without me, and me enjoying some time to myself, made me a bad mother.

Over the years I’ve always had some catty comments from some women I work with who enjoy telling me how they could “never ever be away from their children,” but yesterday in particular one of my colleagues made me feel really shit about myself. It was awful.

She was making really unpleasant comments towards me about the fact I “want” time away from my children and how it’s not right and she can’t believe that I am happy for my children to be apart from me for so long. She wouldn’t let it drop and she was doing it front of others people too and it’s left me feeling so upset.

I was trying to act like her comments didn’t bother me and laugh them off, but inside I wanted to cry.

Could you not have told her to pipe down because "someone has to get some work done around here?"

A happy stress-free mother is better than a frazzled worn out mother.

My parents used to take my dc on holiday for a week every year, I used to love it, was a great boost to my mental health but more importantly, my dc and my parents loved it too. They talk about those weeks all the time, what they did, where they went and how much fun they had. It's not all about the parents at all.

This sounds like a classic 'you do you' situation.

There's all kinds of different mothers and all kinds of different families. Depending where you are on the scale, it's human nature to judge someone who's at the other end of that scale.

Helicopter parents think I'm neglectful. I think they're neurotic. But I wouldn't let what they think of what works for us influence or upset me.

Don't worry about justifying how much time you do / don't have with your kids to the others at work or to people on this thread.

If it works for you and your kids and your DH then it's the best thing for your family.

Screw the rest of them.

I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you; the main thing is that you’re happy with the arrangement as it stands and you clearly are.

My parents used to take my dc on holiday for a week every year, I used to love it, was a great boost to my mental health but more importantly, my dc and my parents loved it too.

I think this is also why it doesn’t seem strange to me - me and my sister were always going on week long holidays with our grandparents and it wasn’t strange at all.

Plus, my parents divorced when I was 5 so holidays with just mum, and holidays with just dad have always been just a normal part of my life.

My DH’s dad was also quite distant when DH was young, and he doesn’t have a close relationship with his dad as a result. From the days when we first had the children, DH always said he wanted to be a really hands on dad because he wants to have a strong relationship with his children that he never had with his own dad.

I find it very hard waving them off (think lots of tears when I go back in the house) and I miss them so much. I even sleep with their favourite cuddly toys and my youngest sons comfort blanket

But like you said, it’s not just about me and I would never deprive them of holidays and opportunities just because I couldn’t partake in them.

Your life sounds well balanced and ideal OP! When my DS and (hopefully DC2) are your children's ages then I would love to have your balance of work, family time and free time. Ignore those jealous witches.

Sounds like you have a great set up OP.
It's sad to read that to some posters an involved dad is cause for surprise.

an involved dad is cause for surprise.

Not at all and that is frustrating, but I’d be just as surprised and think it a bit unfair on the other parent if the situations were reversed here.

I used to go to my grandparents with my db for a week in the 6 week holidays.I wind my mum and dad up every so often saying wouldn't it be a good idea if they did this with their GC
If its your dc you are talking about then don't feel guilty,enjoy the time alone

I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you

Says the person whose take on the matter is that it’s unfair, that I don’t really spend anytime with my children, that I’m not really part of the family and that my DH parents our children alone.

Definitely no judgement there

Sorry just saw your update stating that they are your dc

@Fallingonice

an involved dad is cause for surprise.

Not at all and that is frustrating, but I’d be just as surprised and think it a bit unfair on the other parent if the situations were reversed here.

Really? I don't think there is anything at all in this situation that is a cause for surprise and I'd be shocked if it would even result in any comments if the situation was reversed.

Because you asked in AIBU if you were being unreasonable. It doesn’t mean I don’t think your colleagues aren’t bloody rude.

But I am a bit baffled as to when you spend all this time with your children given one is in school all week, dad gets up with him at weekends, takes him out on Saturday and takes him on holiday as well.

Yes, there’s evenings and Sundays but that isn’t an even split at all. Fair enough you’re happy with it but pretending it’s totally equal and fair is just daft. And I don’t doubt you do a lot and I’m sure your DH gets downtime as well but there is a difference between going out in the evening where children are / getting ready for bed and weekend and holiday downtime.

Get your DH to phone up your work colleague and say he’s heard someone is trying to say he can’t take his own children on holiday, and would like her to explain what the problem is.

But I am a bit baffled as to when you spend all this time with your children given one is in school all week

Monday, Tuesday and Friday: I see them before and after school/childcare, just like every other working parent - including my DH.

On Wednesday and Thursday I see them both all day from 6am until 8pm, bar for the 6 hours that my eldest is at school. Again, pretty much like every other parent.

On Saturdays I am with them from 8am until 1pm, and then from 6pm -8pm.

On Sundays I spend the whole day with them from 8am onwards.

I don’t imagine the manner in which I spend time with my children is any different to how any other mother spends time with their children?

Like I said, I spend far more time with the children each week than my husband does.

I’m guessing you must really hate parents, but especially mothers, who work full time? I mean, you must wonder how they actually spend any time with their children?!

And what about parents who work away from home for weeks at a time? They must blow your mind!

I work full time myself. Of course I don’t hate parents who work full time. What I’m saying is that despite the insistence otherwise, I don’t think you do spend more time with the children than your husband and I do think the set up is not particularly equal - and I’d say the same, and probably more insistently, if the sexes were reversed.

weekend and holiday downtime….

My husband does get holiday down time as he goes abroad three weekends a year to watch sporting events, and this Summer he’s also going away for a week on his own so he can have some time to himself which I’m absolutely fine with.

You seem to have this image of a poor husband who works 60 hours a week, who has to parent alone and is forced to take his children on holiday whilst his wife just sits around and does nothing.

@Fallingonice

Because you asked in AIBU if you were being unreasonable. It doesn’t mean I don’t think your colleagues aren’t bloody rude.

But I am a bit baffled as to when you spend all this time with your children given one is in school all week, dad gets up with him at weekends, takes him out on Saturday and takes him on holiday as well.

Yes, there’s evenings and Sundays but that isn’t an even split at all. Fair enough you’re happy with it but pretending it’s totally equal and fair is just daft. And I don’t doubt you do a lot and I’m sure your DH gets downtime as well but there is a difference between going out in the evening where children are / getting ready for bed and weekend and holiday downtime.

You’re easily baffled then aren’t you? OP hasn’t said her dc is in boarding school has she? There are hours between the school day ending and bedtime for the OP to spend with her dc.

As to the DHs downtime that you seem so concerned about, are you also baffled by the idea that he might actually ENJOY taking his children to a sporting event and doesn't consider it some kind of hardship that OP then owes him for?

Honestly, you just sound resentful that OP has a husband who is fully involved in family life and that they can afford multiple holidays.

I don’t know OP, only you do and you’re happy with it. To me, from the outside, it does sound like you both do a lot but separately and while I don’t think he’s a poor put upon husband I don’t think it sounds particularly equal either.

@PaddlingLikeADuck

weekend and holiday downtime….

My husband does get holiday down time as he goes abroad three weekends a year to watch sporting events, and this Summer he’s also going away for a week on his own so he can have some time to himself which I’m absolutely fine with.

You seem to have this image of a poor husband who works 60 hours a week, who has to parent alone and is forced to take his children on holiday whilst his wife just sits around and does nothing.

Your perfectly reasonable and equal and happy relationship does not meet a lot of bitter women on MN agenda.

You simply can't have such a good relationship and if they can't shout LTB, they'll try and make it sound like you're totally unreasonable. All that matters is are you and DH happy? Well yes, that's it.

Enjoy your lovely life and great relationship.

OP, ignore the comment from the woman at work, although I can understand why it got to you.

I once had a colleague make really sneery comments, in front of other people, when she overheard me say we were going somewhere on holiday that had great kids clubs and that is important to me..

She said “Why on earth would you go on holiday and NOT want to spend time with your children? I don’t see the point”

Aside from the fact that she had one baby, and I had 4 DC, I love having a bit of relax time myself on holiday - to read a book and not constantly be monitoring that everyone is safe in the pool etc. They didn’t go every single day and we still had large parts of the day with them, and they loved the sports clubs. But, I still felt embarrassed and defensive and wondered if I should feel guilty.

DH and I also went away recently for a 4 night break, somewhere that the DC wouldn’t really have enjoyed, and I had similar comments from a friend, with “I would never want to go away without my children, and DH wouldn’t either!”

I spend loads of time with my children all year round and it is lovely to have a break at times and really miss them and look forward to seeing them afterwards, after being away from the usual business and daily grind,

I’m not baffled by it but the point is that it’s not like the OP gets no time in the house alone, she gets it pretty much every week. So this desperate need to get a bit of personal space and down time while the husband and kids go away on holiday shouldn’t be that much of a novelty.

To put it another way I would be a bit posset off if it was me.

*pissed!

It's your husband taking them away not a stranger. He's their dad. No one would bat an eyelid if the roles were reversed and you were taking them away. Before my kids started school I was always taking them away to my parents home in the Lakes for at least a week. This was 30 years ago. Your colleague was jealous definitely. Double standards here.