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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that having a short break away from motherhood doesn’t make you a bad parent?

195 replies

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 07:44

Imagine you’ve got two children aged 8 and 5.

They are amazing children but they come with the usual trials and tribulations of having children that age.

They are very mother focused - imagine they follow you everywhere, every time they want something it’s you they come to (even if their dad is sitting right next to them) and you do the majority of typical parenting tasks, school runs, homework, playing with them, bath times, sorting out play dates etc, simply because you are home more than their dad is due to your working hours.

If you were given the opportunity for someone else to take them on holiday for a week which meant you got 7 days of being home alone, in a peaceful and clean house, with the freedom to do what you wanted and when you wanted, would you take up on the offer?

It doesn’t make you a bad parent does it to just want some child-free time?

OP posts:

Lesperance · 27/02/2022 08:27

That's not on to make you feel that way. You should have said something. If you were being nice, you should have said that she was upsetting you, if you were feeling mean you should have said that you were sorry she didn't have a great dad growing up, but fortunately you picked better than her mother. (the second suggestion is probably not what I would say, but a version of "poor you, you don't understand what it's like to have a great husband" would be sort of middle ground).

Velvian · 27/02/2022 08:27

Ask her if she wants to donate some of her annual leave to you so that you can match your DH 's holiday entitlement.

It would be selfish of you to deny them the opportunity just because you can't go too.

She is jealous and insecure and trying to validate her own choices by putting you down.

Loopytiles · 27/02/2022 08:27

The episode you describe was bullying IMO, and was witnessed, so depending on your work situation and wishes you have the option to report it.

maresedotes · 27/02/2022 08:27

It sounds like a great arrangement and it works for you and your family.

It's easy for me to say ignore her comments but that's what you should do.

You are certainly not a bad mother to look forward to this.

romdowa · 27/02/2022 08:28

@PaddlingLikeADuck

It’s my husband they go away with. He takes them away about 2-3 times a year without me and this has been a tradition of our family for the last 5-6 years. He’s a teacher so gets all the half terms off, whereas obviously I don’t, so outside of our family holidays he will take them away on his own. Sometimes for one week and sometimes for two.

I miss the children terribly when they’re gone but I have never thought that them being away without me, and me enjoying some time to myself, made me a bad mother.

Over the years I’ve always had some catty comments from some women I work with who enjoy telling me how they could “never ever be away from their children,” but yesterday in particular one of my colleagues made me feel really shit about myself. It was awful.

She was making really unpleasant comments towards me about the fact I “want” time away from my children and how it’s not right and she can’t believe that I am happy for my children to be apart from me for so long. She wouldn’t let it drop and she was doing it front of others people too and it’s left me feeling so upset.

I was trying to act like her comments didn’t bother me and laugh them off, but inside I wanted to cry.

She sounds jealous. So I would take no notice at all. Your children are with their father, you've hardly thrown them into a borstal for a week 🙄

ClemDanFango · 27/02/2022 08:29

I would literally pay someone to take mine for a week! Do it 🙌🏻

Bdhntbis · 27/02/2022 08:30

Sounds amazing; how do I get my DH to do this? I’d take a fair guess that the woman making comments is jealous or get life is so revolved around her children that they are her identity so would feel insecure without them there.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 08:30

You should have said something. If you were being nice, you should have said that she was upsetting you, if you were feeling mean you should have said that you were sorry she didn't have a great dad growing up, but fortunately you picked better than her mother.

I did ask her why she’d have such a problem with it, specifically asking if it was because she wouldn’t be able to trust her husband to look after their children properly, which flustered her a little but she ended it by saying that she doesn’t understand why a mother would want a break from her children.

Then another colleague jumped in and said her 7 year old had never even spent one night away from her and said she just can’t comprehend how I am okay with them being away from me.

OP posts:

galacticpixels · 27/02/2022 08:31

Those are really strange comments for your colleague to have made. Insecurity on her part, probably. There's a woman in my work who likes to openly judge others' parenting and everybody else rolls their eyes at her, not at the person she's judging.

My nieces are currently sitting in front of me... They're visiting as part of a week long holiday with their gran. They come on this holiday every year - they have a great week being spoiled and their parents are get a breather.

Maray1967 · 27/02/2022 08:31

Yes , if you know she’s likely to raise it again practise some responses and use them.
I used to go on fieldwork with students for a week and DC would be home with DH. They were fine!

YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie · 27/02/2022 08:31

Fuck her. I imagine she’s just jealous. I took 4 days away last summer as I felt at breaking point with my kids. They were in the capable hands of their father. I needed the break, so much so it might become tradition here too. Motherhood is HARD, it’s not always this vision of glowing loveliness we’ve been fed since the beginning of time. If people knew the realities, I’m pretty sure many many more people would remain childless. And I adore my kids. But I’ve definitely lost something of myself by having them

Pandai · 27/02/2022 08:32

I suspect there's some jealousy that they don't get afforded the same. Sounds bloody brilliant for everyone- you, your husband and the children! It's not taking a break from motherhood though, that kind of language and view leads to guilt I think and no need for it. Enjoy!

Heronwatcher · 27/02/2022 08:32

TBH I think it depends on the kids. At that age I think a week might have been a bit long even with their (excellent) dad for mine, and after about 3-4 days I would be a little concerned that no one would be enjoying it! But if your partner and kids like it then I wouldn’t worry at all.

Ragwort · 27/02/2022 08:32

Just read your update - can't believe that someone is making comments about DC going on holiday with their own father - that is absolutely ridiculous!

My DS had countless holidays & weekends away with DH without me joining them - they enjoyed camping, sports events, skiing etc - none of which I wanted to do. They are off to Paris in a couple of weeks to watch the rugby . I've also taken DS away without DH.

Maybe your friend is marrried to someone who wouldn't take his own DC away so she is trying to make you feel guilty because she never has the chance of a break, she sounds like a martyr. What would happen if she dropped dead and her DH had never experienced looking after his own DC (this actually happened to a neighbour of ours, obviously tragic but if he'd had a few more practical skills it would have helped).

I would look for a new friend - in my circle it was very common to have 'split' holidays, even more so if one of you is a teacher.

ThatsBullshirt · 27/02/2022 08:32

They are with their dad?! Because he gets the same school holidays as them and not you? I wouldn't feel guilty for a second if it was my DH taking the kids away for a weekend or week here and there, making memories with them while I get to recharge. I'd miss them like crazy and probably get a bit of FOMO but we aren't talking about giving your kids to just anyone so that you can get a break. Plus it doesn't sound to me like your shipping your kids off at every opportunity that comes your way. None of this makes you a bad mum!

Pandai · 27/02/2022 08:33

@Heronwatcher

Why would no one be enjoying it?

GreyGoose1980 · 27/02/2022 08:34

This person making the comments is probably jealous that you have this opportunity. Her comments are also sexist as I doubt she’d make them if you were the one taking the children away rather than their dad. Also how does she think parents who are divorced / separated manage?? Surely she knows dads who take their kids for holidays as part of shared custody arrangements. You sound like a great mum and carry on as you are.

frazzledasarock · 27/02/2022 08:34

Sounds like colleague is jealous. Wonder how much her husband does with their kids.

I’d be thrilled if DH wanted to take DC off on holiday by himself. So would DC.

What is there to be feeling guilty about? Your dc are spending time with their dad who is taking them out instead of plonking them in front of CBeebies (guilty here of this) over half term whilst ignoring them to WFH.

Next time colleague says anything, sigh and say we get your point you’re wildly jealous. And then change the subject or walk out of the room.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 08:35

*I’d take a fair guess that the woman making comments is jealous or get life is so revolved around her children that they are her identity.”

The woman who upset me the most has got 3 children but they are 16, 19 and 21, so her opinions aren’t that applicable anyway to the issue of young children being away from their mother. She just says that when her kids were “that age” (the age of mine) she would never, ever have wanted to be away from them.

Maybe she’s forgotten how draining young children can be.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/02/2022 08:36

My dh works the same pattern as your dh and always takes the kids away at least one week a year without me.

Never for a second felt guilty about it - please don't let these womens alternative opinions bother you. They do them.

A580Hojas · 27/02/2022 08:37

What's with this flurry of self indulgent "I'm not a bad Mummy" threads lately?

SpinsForGin · 27/02/2022 08:37

Your colleagues are horrible people.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this situation.

FeedMeSantiago · 27/02/2022 08:38

It's absolutely fine OP. If it was the other way around I bet your DH's colleagues wouldn't be making comments like that!

Sounds like a great set up, you don't have to take leave during half term, dad gets some time being the default parent, your DC get quality time with dad, you can save leave for family holidays and term time when needed (I expect it's hard for a teacher to take leave in term time when DC are sick) and you get a bit of time to recharge too. Sounds like everyone wins!

frazzledasarock · 27/02/2022 08:38

My younger DC are around your DC’s age and would LOVE to go off with just daddy for a week. Think daddy would enjoy it too. He’s far more lenient and child pleasing than I am.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/02/2022 08:41

Jealousy just ignore.

I regularly went away with friends and left mine with DH. They were younger than yours.

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