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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that having a short break away from motherhood doesn’t make you a bad parent?

195 replies

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 07:44

Imagine you’ve got two children aged 8 and 5.

They are amazing children but they come with the usual trials and tribulations of having children that age.

They are very mother focused - imagine they follow you everywhere, every time they want something it’s you they come to (even if their dad is sitting right next to them) and you do the majority of typical parenting tasks, school runs, homework, playing with them, bath times, sorting out play dates etc, simply because you are home more than their dad is due to your working hours.

If you were given the opportunity for someone else to take them on holiday for a week which meant you got 7 days of being home alone, in a peaceful and clean house, with the freedom to do what you wanted and when you wanted, would you take up on the offer?

It doesn’t make you a bad parent does it to just want some child-free time?

OP posts:

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 11:35

No one would bat an eyelid if a mother took the kids away during school holidays while the father stayed home because of work.

Really? I don’t mean that in a sarcastic tone, just astonished!

The only times I have known parents take separate family holidays is when they are divorced or separated or occasionally like the above example where children are taken to visit family and the other parent joins them later. But I have honestly never once come across one parent routinely taking the children away alone - mum or dad!

Oblomov22 · 27/02/2022 11:36

Why is this even a question? Is it from other martyr mothers who never leave their kids sides?

PinkiOcelot · 27/02/2022 11:40

So she would deny her children the experience of spending quality time with their dad doing activities etc that they’ll all enjoy? As opposed to just spending the time at home waiting for you to get home from work? It’s a no brainer OP.

OneMillionSteps · 27/02/2022 11:44

@Fallingonice
The only times I have known parents take separate family holidays is when they are divorced or separated or occasionally like the above example where children are taken to visit family and the other parent joins them later. But I have honestly never once come across one parent routinely taking the children away alone - mum or dad!

Well to be more specific- what I meant is - in the situation where one parent has a lot more annual leave than the other (e.g. is a teacher, or maybe SAHP), why wouldn’t you take advantage of this fact, if you can afford it, rather than everyone having to stay at home because one parent has to work?

honeylulu · 27/02/2022 11:48

Some mothers are martyrs and get annoyed when they are not acknowledged for the cross they chose to have to bear. Plus, when other mothers do not join them in their martyrdom yet dare to have happy well adjusted kids.

The extra half term trips with their teacher dad sound absolutely great: brilliant opportunity (as you say if it was contingent in you being able to go, you wouldn't have enough annual leave so no one could go), the kids live it, dad loves it, you get a break and although you miss them you experience the excitement and joy of them coming home. What's not to like? I'm feeling a bit envious here haha! I've taken my kids away occasionally on my own (not a teacher, hence occasionally). Their dad sometimes has them on his own but it doesn't occur to him to take them further than McDonald's or the park. I'm feeling a bit envious, haha. I bet your workmates are too!

cutebutstabby · 27/02/2022 11:51

Of course have a week out, bloody hell I thought this was going to be a thread about taking months away. 😂

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 11:51

I am a teacher - I don’t know, to be honest. I don’t think you have to stay at home all day every day and I guess a break over a couple of days would be good. But three weeks or so a year - and they have two other family holidays so that’s a lot of time away.

Plus I have seen from the OPs other posts that she has five hours every Saturday while the DH takes the kids out plus works part time so has time during the day if they are at school? I don’t know - I can see why it raises eyebrows because tbh it doesn’t sound like she’s part of the family at all.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 11:56

Yes I do work part time, but the days I don’t work I’m at home with the children, one who is in school and one who is not. And yes, on Saturday the children are with their dad for 5 hours going to a sport event that I have no interest in.

I didn’t realise that those two factors mean that I’m not part of the family

OP posts:

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 12:02

It’s the full picture though, @PaddlingLikeADuck

I mean, it does sound on the face of it like your DH is doing a lot with the children while you are at home. I didn’t realise one child wasn’t school age but you do say one is five in your OP which is why I assumed both at school.

But regardless of that, you get two to three full weeks where your husband takes them on holiday without you, plus every Saturday without them and I will be honest and say if this was me I would be feeling a bit like I was parenting alone.

I am honestly sorry as I get from your response this isn’t what you want to hear and I’m not posting with the intention of giving you a hard time but it is what I think.

Sunnyjac · 27/02/2022 12:04

Yes yes yes! My husband is also a teacher and sometimes takes the children to his parents for a few days with my encouragement! I relish the time alone (and would love a whole week). I need to be solely me sometimes otherwise I’ll lose myself completely. Ignore the people telling you there’s anything wrong with this

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 12:04

Exactly - why would I stop my children going away just because I couldn’t go to? It’s ridiculous.

I’ve taken the children away to Butlins before and we’ve gone alone as DH is working and he would never ever tell me I couldn’t take them just because he couldn’t get the time off work to come with us.

It’s just such a childish and petty attitude that I doubt anyone would actually have in real life.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 27/02/2022 12:05

I don't see why you would reveal things like this to your colleagues tbh. My colleagues don't even know if I have kids and or a husband. Let them go on holiday and in the future try to keep work/life separate issues.

TheSmallAssassin · 27/02/2022 12:08

Sounds to me like OP's husband has at least 5 hours a week when he's not with their children @Fallingonice, so I wonder why he's not similarly ousted from the family? Sexist double standards writ large!

Given your husband is a teacher, OP, I think it makes sense for them to make the most of all having time off together. Why do your colleagues think that your husband shouldn't get to enjoy his kids too? Please don't be upset, you are the one who is doing things right.

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 12:09

If it works for you then it works for you and I don’t think you need to feel bad about it.

I do think as an aside four to five holidays a year is a lot and I don’t think having a few days out instead of a holiday is depriving them, or anything! My own mum and dad were very keen to go away whenever we had a holiday (also both teachers!) and as we got older my brother and I did find it hard as we wanted to socialise with our friends so that might be something to bear in mind as well.

But just in general it wouldn’t really occur to me to have a family holiday without my husband, although of course in some cases like visiting family it’s a bit different. Just surprised it seems so common!

honeylulu · 27/02/2022 12:09

I have seen from the OPs other posts that she has five hours every Saturday while the DH takes the kids out plus works part time so has time during the day if they are at school? I don’t know - I can see why it raises eyebrows because tbh it doesn’t sound like she’s part of the family at all

Bloody hell, how rude!
By that token most dads who work full time aren't part of the family. You would shit yourself in horror at my family @Fallingonice - both my husband and I work full time and separately take the children to their hobby classes on Saturday and Sunday mornings. That must mean neither of us are "part of the family" in your eyes. Who is left ...? Just the children themselves. Do you mean they are as good as orphans? I'm going to ask them about this. I'll let you know what they say once they've finished laughing.

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 12:11

When, @TheSmallAssassin? I may have missed it but it sounds to me like he’s working in the week, then he is up early with the kids Saturday and Sunday and takes them both out for most of the day Saturday. Then when he’s on holiday takes them both away with him.

If the OP is taking the kids out for the day alone on Sunday then the children must almost never get to spend time with both parents which is unusual for families where the parents are together.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 12:11

So you think I should tell my husband I don’t want him taking them away and make them all stay home?

And I don’t get every Saturday without them. I have 5 hours (1-6pm) without them.

In fact yesterday whilst they were out I went into work to catch up on some admin I really needed to get done.

On a week to week basis, I spend far more time with the children each week than he does and do far more with them so he certainly isn’t parenting alone

(and my OP should have said 8 and 4 - my youngest will be 5 in the Summer).

OP posts:

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 12:15

@honeylulu - it wasn’t intended rudely at all and I apologise sincerely if that’s how it came across!

I just have found sometimes things can become your normal and go on from there without anyone questioning them. But is anyone honestly saying to me that if someone said they got up early with the kids at the weekend, took them away on holiday leaving dad at home and out every Saturday leaving dad at home that people wouldn’t say hang on, that’s a bit unfair?

Because that’s what jumps out at me, and sometimes I think the more it goes on the more used everybody gets to it. We had a period like it where I was in the position of the husband here and it got so where we got used to DH not being around. We’ve mostly sorted it now but I don’t think it’s great for either party tbh.

mermaidgiraffe · 27/02/2022 12:15

As long as your kids are happy it's no one else's business. Stop talking to them about it.

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 12:17

Why does it have to be they go out with your husband or they stay at home?

I’m not saying that this isn’t something they or you should do, it’s more recognising you do get a fair bit of time without them as it is, so I can understand your colleagues being a bit surprised.

They certainly shouldn’t have been so rude about it. I wouldn’t express an opinion about it in RL but on here will say that I do think it’s a bit unreasonable.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 12:22

But is anyone honestly saying to me that if someone said they got up early with the kids at the weekend, took them away on holiday leaving dad at home and out every Saturday leaving dad at home that people wouldn’t say hang on, that’s a bit unfair?

Firstly, he gets up with the kids at the weekend because three evenings a week he goes to the gym whereas I don’t get any ‘me time’ so he just sees it as his way of equalling things out.

And secondly, for about the 3rd time, he is not “out all day on Saturday with them”, he takes them out for 5 hours (with both their Grandad’s going too).

Firstly,

OP posts:

Thecommentsmakemechuckle · 27/02/2022 12:22

I think it’s fantastic that your boys get quality time with both of you and that essentially it swings in roundabouts in terms of when. The person saying they wouldn’t dream of being without their children, fine, but doesn’t mean you have to feel like that or take any notice of them and their rose tinted ideals.

I’m a single parent and my daughter goes to her dad fortnightly weekends and extra time in the holidays, usually a week or 3 days at a time and I love getting to be just me. I get to leave my house after 8pm at night, go for dinner/drinks without worrying about anyone but me and go do things im seriously limited on when my daughter is home. I miss her, of course I do but I feel it makes me a better parent that I look after me too.
Enjoy the breaks and don’t let narrow minded people bring you down, it’s none of their business how your family works out quality time with each other.

Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 12:23

That is pretty much the duration of the day though if he’s up with them in the morning as well.

It works for you, it’s fine, but I can understand the surprise about the holidays.

Now about this hobby. As I think I will have to suggest it to my DH

Okki · 27/02/2022 12:24

You have a husband who is a capable and involved parent. I bet if it was the other way round your colleague wouldn't bat an eyelid. My DH is a parent as well, not just a father. Good on both of you.

PonyPatter44 · 27/02/2022 12:27

I think your family set-up sounds brilliant, OP. Ignore the half-wit bitchy women at work, I would imagine a lot of it stems from sheer jealousy.

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