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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having a short break away from motherhood doesn’t make you a bad parent?

195 replies

PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 07:44

Imagine you’ve got two children aged 8 and 5.

They are amazing children but they come with the usual trials and tribulations of having children that age.

They are very mother focused - imagine they follow you everywhere, every time they want something it’s you they come to (even if their dad is sitting right next to them) and you do the majority of typical parenting tasks, school runs, homework, playing with them, bath times, sorting out play dates etc, simply because you are home more than their dad is due to your working hours.

If you were given the opportunity for someone else to take them on holiday for a week which meant you got 7 days of being home alone, in a peaceful and clean house, with the freedom to do what you wanted and when you wanted, would you take up on the offer?

It doesn’t make you a bad parent does it to just want some child-free time?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/02/2022 08:42

Their motivations and personal situations aren’t relevant.

You can easily avoid this going forward by no longer discussing this and other personal stuff with them. If they bring it up again, could say something like ‘I’d rather not discuss this’ or other phrase, broken record technique.

Original poster
PaddlingLikeADuck · 27/02/2022 08:46

But if your partner and kids like it then I wouldn’t worry at all.

They all absolutely love it - they love their boys holidays. I get so many photos and videos of them enjoying themselves and that is what justifies how much I miss them. I would never stop them going for my own needs.

Plus, my husband loves being able to have that quality time with them that his job otherwise doesn’t allow as much as he’d like.

OP posts:
SNUG2022 · 27/02/2022 08:46

Pure jealousy. I used to work tto and it really is a lot of holiday and I used to be away with the dc whilst dh was at work. The kids are so lucky to get these extra breaks. My dc have just been away without us and have had a ball. It's a big part of their development too and hopefully makes us all appreciate each other a bit more. It's disingenuous to say you wouldn't like to sit in a clean house, eat what you want, go out on whim etc, no added stress.

KindlyKanga · 27/02/2022 08:48

Just ignore them. They wouldn't think anything of it if you were a man.

ralanne · 27/02/2022 08:48

It's not about you, it's about her. You, your DC and your DH all feel happy about these trips. In what way could that possibly be bad or wrong? It's not. It makes HER feel bad because of some pain SHE has - never getting a break, feeling guilty about her own choices, her relationship with her own mother, or something equally deep and upsetting for her in her own life.

JustWonderingIfYou · 27/02/2022 08:50

8 and 5 years old and a week away absolutely fine. Different if you'd said 8 or 5 days old or a year away.

RedRobin100 · 27/02/2022 08:50

I think it would keep me a sane parent

Lesperance · 27/02/2022 08:53

@PaddlingLikeADuck

You should have said something. If you were being nice, you should have said that she was upsetting you, if you were feeling mean you should have said that you were sorry she didn't have a great dad growing up, but fortunately you picked better than her mother.

I did ask her why she’d have such a problem with it, specifically asking if it was because she wouldn’t be able to trust her husband to look after their children properly, which flustered her a little but she ended it by saying that she doesn’t understand why a mother would want a break from her children.

Then another colleague jumped in and said her 7 year old had never even spent one night away from her and said she just can’t comprehend how I am okay with them being away from me.

Good for you. I find this attitude so strange though, when I opened the message, I thought you were going to describe some sort of American style camp. I wonder how your colleagues would speak to a divorced parent who had the children part of the week? It does sound like bullying.
Fallingonice · 27/02/2022 08:54

I would never ever be rude about it but it does sound a bit peculiar to me if I’m totally honest - assuming you and the dad are together it almost sounds like two single parents rather than a couple.

I would say the same if mum was taking them away twice a year on her own too - it is unusual and people do comment. It’s rude though.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/02/2022 08:55

These people who say they could never be away from their kids that long are actually just putting their own feelings above their kids.

Keeping them home instead with dad stops them taking a holiday and what they gonna do instead while you work? All that just so mum can spend a couple of hours after work each day together?

Selfish

SallyWD · 27/02/2022 08:57

My children go away with my in laws every year and I stay home alone. It's wonderful! There's never been any suggestion that I'm a bad mother.

Barbie222 · 27/02/2022 08:59

I've always been the one taking children away in holidays (teacher). It's never been an issue in the slightest for my husband and the children have a great bond with him. I think it sounds like your colleague is jealous! Also, she's judging you differently to how a man would be judged, so it's for her to do the unpicking here, not you.

Mummy1608 · 27/02/2022 09:01

Of course you're not a bad mum. You're texting them and exchanging photos and videos while they're away. They get to have enriching experiences, presumably camping or outdoor activities and the like. They have a great dad.

Going away with their dad for half term doing unusual fun stuff is going to be much better for their well being and education than being cooped up at home while you're at work, possibly getting bored or having too much screen time

ralanne · 27/02/2022 09:02

If it comes up a lot I would probably prepare a few stock replies if possible coming from a place of genuine sympathy. Eg

Col - Oh , I could never leave my children like that.
You - Aww (headtilt) could you not? That's a shame. Mine have such a great time.

Col - How could you want time away from your children?
You - I manage! - they just love going on holiday so much!

User95659565 · 27/02/2022 09:02

I take plenty of time to myself every week because that's what I need to do, I don't care what anybody else thinks. My child is well cared for and loved, we have lots of quality time and he also loves being with other people. I spent most weekends as a child with other family members (which is against the norm these days) - as a result I had a very good, rich and broad childhood and I now have lots of people I can depend on as an adult including my parents who I am very close with.

Its like somebody has made up this book of rules about parenting that everybody feels they have to live by. It's ridiculous, it's not the law. You do what you want to without guilt, as long as your kids are safe, loved and well cared for, that's all that matters. Who cares about anybody else. Sorry for rambling but life is too short! Enjoy your week at home

SNUG2022 · 27/02/2022 09:03

@Fallingonice working in education you get a holiday every 6 or 7 weeks. How can the other parent's annual leave entitlement compare? It's great for the kids to get out of their normal environment, especially when they've had 2 years of being trapped.

Mummy1608 · 27/02/2022 09:03

Those other mums are actually putting their own needs first "I'd miss them too much" etc rather than thinking what's best for the kids.

You know this arrangement is best for your kids. The fact you get a break is bonus but not the main cause of this plan

Takeoutyourhen · 27/02/2022 09:04

Sounds like jealousy projected into her rant. IME, it’s been my mother telling me how she could never leave me. Typically at the end of a short sleepover with my kids which she was desperate for Confused

Howeverdoyouneedme · 27/02/2022 09:05

I’d bet anything that the woman saying the bullshit about never wanting to be away from her kids did have some time away. People have selective memory.

hellithurt · 27/02/2022 09:06

They're jealous! Tell them that!

HenryHorse1 · 27/02/2022 09:06

Agree, ignore the silly woman, pure jealousy

I would bloody jump at the chance! You can't pour from an empty cup and all that!

Plus its a valuable opportunity for the kids to spend quality time with their dad making memories!

Also, as you said you work, its not as if you are going to vegas partying! Im assuming you are still going to work and possibly (oh the dream!) watching a programme UNINTERRUPTED!! Eating a meal WHILST IT IS HOT!!! having a bath IN PEACE!!! Simple pleasures taken for granted pre children!

Wilkolampshade · 27/02/2022 09:06

OP of course it's fine. Don't let such bullying, misogynistic nonsense get to you.(easier said than done) As another OP has stated, practice your responses to BS like this:
"Not really any of your business though is it?"
"Why do you want to keep talking about this when I have made it very clear I don't want to discuss it further?" or my favourite,
"Your lack of comprehension is not my problem"

SpinsForGin · 27/02/2022 09:07

@Fallingonice

I would never ever be rude about it but it does sound a bit peculiar to me if I’m totally honest - assuming you and the dad are together it almost sounds like two single parents rather than a couple.

I would say the same if mum was taking them away twice a year on her own too - it is unusual and people do comment. It’s rude though.

It's really not peculiar in families where one parent is a teacher.
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/02/2022 09:07

Exactly - school holidays are minimum 13 weeks per year.

I have an employer who is very generous with AL and even I couldn't match that.

KatherineofGaunt · 27/02/2022 09:08

Definitely jealous. I would have thought everyone would like some time away from their kids (I have a 3-year-old - I definitely would)?! I remember being between 7-10 and each of my parents having individual holidays abroad and once my brother and I went to a residential holiday camp and they both went off and did different things for the week.

It sounds like you have a good way to balance life, so your DH gets quality time and you get a breather. If you can, next time, if she won't let it go, try to say something. I'm a wimp, though, so not idea what to say beyond what you have already!