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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I don't want to sit with them again?

167 replies

Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 03:51

My partner who I met just before lockdown moved back in with her parents not long after we met. In order to save money.
I wasn't too bothered about this, her choice.

We're quite long distance.

I've visited her there a few of times. There's a few reasons I am not particularly happy doing this, which I didn't foresee unfortunately. She sleeps in very late, for instance and I don't usually. If she had her own place still I'd probably go for a potter about in the house, watch TV, make myself a cuppa etc but I don't feel this would be right in her parent's. I also feel I am a tad old (41!) to be cooped up in someone's bedroom like a teenager, but, I said it was fine when she said she may move back in with them and It's her choice isn't it.

Anyway, last time I were there, we went out for the day, watched a film in her bedroom and she suggested going downstairs to have a drink with her Mum and Dad. Her mum goes to bed quite early, and after this her Dad began laying into me about my car,(raised voice, targetting me) saying It's scruffy, It's old, It's this It's that, I should clean it up, It's full of takeaway wrappers NOT true, I NEVER eat takeaways so I think he must have made that bit up-anyway I don't think the subject matter is much relevant. I am happy with my car, I am not much into cars, and as long as It's reliable and does its job I have no desire to upgrade it.

I kept stoic, and said to him I wasn't going to upgrade my car on the back of the conversation, I will have whatever car I like, and thanked him for his concern (to which he shouted 'I'm not concerned!!!!') BUT he was really rather nasty and the conversation/tirade of berating of me went on for some ten minutes. In the end he called me a slob.

She did stick up for me at various points, agreeing that I didnt have any takeaway wrappers in my car, and some other point she made which I forget. And she sent me a msg mid-conv apologising.

AIBU to say I don't want to have a drink with him again? Or sit with him for any reason? If nothing else, being like that with a guest, I would say signals that they don't really want me there! It is very bad manners too?

Plus, what has my car got to do with him?

I know I'd have left some details out as I am thinking about this in the middle of the night and I am half asleep-apologies in advance!

OP posts:
GlitterSquid · 27/02/2022 04:04

YANBU at 41 to not want to conduct your entire relationship under the very close watch or your other half's parents!

Also, Dad sounds like a dick when he's had a drink.

Something needs to change.

FlowerArranger · 27/02/2022 04:06

To be honest, I'd have been more forthright in shutting him up when he started making those comments. And if it got to the point of him calling me a slot, I would have gathered my stuff and driven off in said car!

newbiename · 27/02/2022 04:06

I'd be making different arrangements to see your girlfriend.

FlowerArranger · 27/02/2022 04:06

Slob!

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:08

@GlitterSquid

YANBU at 41 to not want to conduct your entire relationship under the very close watch or your other half's parents!

Also, Dad sounds like a dick when he's had a drink.

Something needs to change.

Yes, he had had a drink. :( I don't know how much, they'd been drinking before we went downstairs. I don't know how I feel about her living with her parents really.

I've had my own house since I was early twenties, and moved out much younger than that so It's a bit weird to me I suppose? Her Mum still cooks for her, does her bedroom, does her ironing.. But she had lived with her ex and then alone, prior to that for many years so it isn't as if she's always lived there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:08

@FlowerArranger

To be honest, I'd have been more forthright in shutting him up when he started making those comments. And if it got to the point of him calling me a slot, I would have gathered my stuff and driven off in said car!
What would you have said? It did cross my mind and I left quite hurriedly the next day. I'd had a large glass of wine at this point though so couldn't have feasibly driven off :(
OP posts:
ExcuseeeeMe · 27/02/2022 04:09

Hotels from now on I guess.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:10

I have a feeling that if I say to her 'I am not going to come and stay after your Dad was horrible' I'll sound pathetic? And it might cause a big argument?

OP posts:
twominutesmore · 27/02/2022 04:10

I think she should be coming to your house from now on.

twominutesmore · 27/02/2022 04:12

I wouldn't say it was because of her dad. But because you are essentially trapped in her bedroom like a teenager. I wouldn't want to watch tv in her room all evening, have sex with parents in the next room or lie in bed the next morning waiting for her to get up.

Abcdefu · 27/02/2022 04:13

I wouldn't put up with that drama. Can she not come to yours?

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:18

Okay. By the way I am very surprised to see so many people active this early!

Also, there is a huge living room we could have sat in. But her Father doesn't like people (even her Mum)using it. They sit at the little table in an offset, smaller reception room all night. Odd? And misogynistic obviously Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:19

Yes she can come to mine. I guess I'd just feel it was a bit unfair her doing all of the driving, all of the time apart from her familiarities, friends etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:21

@twominutesmore

I wouldn't say it was because of her dad. But because you are essentially trapped in her bedroom like a teenager. I wouldn't want to watch tv in her room all evening, have sex with parents in the next room or lie in bed the next morning waiting for her to get up.
Good idea..Now how to say that tactfully! I guess I did say it was okay when she said she might move back in with them. I suppose I didn't really think it through :(
OP posts:
ExcuseeeeMe · 27/02/2022 04:21

Where they choose to sit in their house is irrelevant though isn’t it. You are too old to be hauled up in a bedroom tip toeing around someone else’s house .

Marmelace · 27/02/2022 04:22

How old is your gf, and how come she is still living with her parents?

Marmelace · 27/02/2022 04:25

So to save money (brain missed that bit). It all sounds a bit wierd.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:27

@excuseeeeMe I do feel like that :( But then I see this sort of conversation a lot where adults have had to move back in with their parents after relationship break ups etc. It doesn't seem that unusual nowadays?

@marmelace she's 45. She had her own rented house after splitting with her ex and said not long after we met, that as her parents would be happy to have her back, she may as well do that so she wouldn't have to pay out rent.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 27/02/2022 04:32

you are not really a compatible couple, i think.
all this analysing the minutiae of how her parents live is irrelevant.
and obviously her father does not want you in their house.
i think you should wave goodbye, wish her well, and depart.
find someone nearer, more available.
good luck.

Marmelace · 27/02/2022 04:33

I'd seriously be thinking about getting out of the situation. Her parents treat her like a child, and she doesn't seem to be treating you too well. She sounds immature.

Elbie79 · 27/02/2022 04:34

I wouldn't broach the subject overtly. Just plan by plan suggest your place. Perhaps with a comment that that way you guys can have your own space. As a PP said, maybe the odd hotel too - you could make that nearer to her so she has a break from the distance.

She saw at the time that her dad behaved badly so I bet she'll get the gist. I don't have a lot of sympathy for her - she must have known her style would be cramped by going back to live with them. She's saving money, but there are only downsides for you.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:34

'@alexdgr8 that's interesting. Yes, I guess I only advised how they live in response to people saying about us being up in the bedroom all the time, I don't see why we cannot use the sitting room if they're not.

She would be heartbroken. And she's a lovely person. She wants to move in with me soon, too.

I don't think he wants me in the house either. But I don't think she'd uphold that to be honest, she'd just say he was drunk, It's fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:37

@marmelace does she sound immature? Maybe I've missed signals :( I am not great with this sort of thing, I'd been single a long time and my ex was awful.

@elbie79 yes, good idea. I guess if her Dad was friendly and welcoming it may have been okay.

OP posts:
ExcuseeeeMe · 27/02/2022 04:37

I don’t think it would be unusual to move back home with parents when you are 45 for a short time . It is unusual for a 45 year old to have her elderly parent doing all her Landry and tidying up after her . It would put me off someone for sure .

bruce43mydog · 27/02/2022 04:42

I still live at home my friends not that I have any. Would never be invited to my home. I would arrange to meet at there's just so we could hear ourselves talk. My house is to loud.