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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I don't want to sit with them again?

167 replies

Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 03:51

My partner who I met just before lockdown moved back in with her parents not long after we met. In order to save money.
I wasn't too bothered about this, her choice.

We're quite long distance.

I've visited her there a few of times. There's a few reasons I am not particularly happy doing this, which I didn't foresee unfortunately. She sleeps in very late, for instance and I don't usually. If she had her own place still I'd probably go for a potter about in the house, watch TV, make myself a cuppa etc but I don't feel this would be right in her parent's. I also feel I am a tad old (41!) to be cooped up in someone's bedroom like a teenager, but, I said it was fine when she said she may move back in with them and It's her choice isn't it.

Anyway, last time I were there, we went out for the day, watched a film in her bedroom and she suggested going downstairs to have a drink with her Mum and Dad. Her mum goes to bed quite early, and after this her Dad began laying into me about my car,(raised voice, targetting me) saying It's scruffy, It's old, It's this It's that, I should clean it up, It's full of takeaway wrappers NOT true, I NEVER eat takeaways so I think he must have made that bit up-anyway I don't think the subject matter is much relevant. I am happy with my car, I am not much into cars, and as long as It's reliable and does its job I have no desire to upgrade it.

I kept stoic, and said to him I wasn't going to upgrade my car on the back of the conversation, I will have whatever car I like, and thanked him for his concern (to which he shouted 'I'm not concerned!!!!') BUT he was really rather nasty and the conversation/tirade of berating of me went on for some ten minutes. In the end he called me a slob.

She did stick up for me at various points, agreeing that I didnt have any takeaway wrappers in my car, and some other point she made which I forget. And she sent me a msg mid-conv apologising.

AIBU to say I don't want to have a drink with him again? Or sit with him for any reason? If nothing else, being like that with a guest, I would say signals that they don't really want me there! It is very bad manners too?

Plus, what has my car got to do with him?

I know I'd have left some details out as I am thinking about this in the middle of the night and I am half asleep-apologies in advance!

OP posts:
Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:42

Okay yes that makes sense. She does say she tells her Mum not to. I think her Mum is rather 'mumsy' and likes doing it. I couldn't live that way personally but as a PP said, that may not be so relevant.

OP posts:
Marmelace · 27/02/2022 04:43

[quote Patienceisntvirtuous]@marmelace does she sound immature? Maybe I've missed signals :( I am not great with this sort of thing, I'd been single a long time and my ex was awful.

@elbie79 yes, good idea. I guess if her Dad was friendly and welcoming it may have been okay.[/quote]
She's letting her father berate you, sleeping in all day leaving you to your own devices etc. I honestly thought she was younger.

alexdgr8 · 27/02/2022 04:44

lots of people are lovely, but we can't live with them all.
it's no criticism of her, but you two are not compatible.
you could waste a lot of time, possibly money, and definitely heart-ache, for both of you, or you could just be decisive now and stop trying to be partners.
you will not square this circle.
you are concentrating on the wrong things.
you can't see the wood for the trees.
you can't use the front parlour because her parents don't want you to.
and it is their house. and she chooses to live there and abide by their rules.
and getting into a discussion about your car is also diversionary.
the whole dynamic is wrong.
even if she moved out, i don't see it lasting.
i am a lot older than you and the onlooker sees more of the game.
i wish you well.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:51

Thank you, @alexdgr8 (genuinely). I have things to think about.

@Marmelace yes, I guess it wasn't very 'adult' of her. I'd have taken me out of that situation if I were her. Not sat there not saying very much.
I have had a talk with her about sleeping in, as have her friends! Saying we're long distance and it isn't fair.I just took books with me and my laptop and things to do once I realised.

If we do stay together, and we get a hotel I suppose if I pay for it it is no skin off her nose really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 04:52

We did sit in the sitting room for a while once but I could tell she wasn't happy and after not long, she said 'come on lets go and sit with my parents'.

OP posts:
Marmelace · 27/02/2022 04:59

@Patienceisntvirtuous

Thank you, *@alexdgr8* (genuinely). I have things to think about.

@Marmelace yes, I guess it wasn't very 'adult' of her. I'd have taken me out of that situation if I were her. Not sat there not saying very much.
I have had a talk with her about sleeping in, as have her friends! Saying we're long distance and it isn't fair.I just took books with me and my laptop and things to do once I realised.

If we do stay together, and we get a hotel I suppose if I pay for it it is no skin off her nose really.

Seriously, you and her friends have spoken to her about laying in? You have discussed this with them? She is 45! I have no words to be honest.
Marmelace · 27/02/2022 05:01

Or is it lying in, it's too early

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 05:02

@Marmelace no,I haven't discussed it with them. They'd approached her about it.

I did speak to her about it myself, saying how awkward I felt when she was asleep and I was awake. I can amuse myself with my phone for an hour or so but it is a bit tediuous.

OP posts:
Marmelace · 27/02/2022 05:05

[quote Patienceisntvirtuous]@Marmelace no,I haven't discussed it with them. They'd approached her about it.

I did speak to her about it myself, saying how awkward I felt when she was asleep and I was awake. I can amuse myself with my phone for an hour or so but it is a bit tediuous.[/quote]
How did they know about it to approach her about it?

Valeriekat · 27/02/2022 05:07

So now she lives with her parents and then she wants to live with you?
Does she work? Has she any sense of being an adult and taking care of herself?
She may be lovely but she is acting like a child.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 05:08

@marmelace when I had the conversation with her about my awkward feeling, she said 'yes, X and Y said that too'. She'd told them herself-I think what happened was they'd asked if she still kept her late-sleeping habits when I was visiting, and she'd said yes and they'd told her it was unfair. She did say she couldn't help it, had always needed lots of sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 05:09

@Valeriekat

So now she lives with her parents and then she wants to live with you? Does she work? Has she any sense of being an adult and taking care of herself? She may be lovely but she is acting like a child.
Yes she works Monday to Friday. Her job doesn't involve early mornings though, all later shifts.

She has lived with an ex and brought her ex's children up, they split about two years before she met me, and then she'd lived by herself too.

OP posts:
Marmelace · 27/02/2022 05:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 05:30

@marmelace, I kind of wish I were, and I can't prove I am not. Among her friends she's renowned for needing lots of sleep. They're always bringing it up jokingly (I have spent a lot of time around them).They go on holiday together often, do things together of a weekend so it makes sense they'd have noticed.

OP posts:
Marmelace · 27/02/2022 05:35

Doesn't make sense at all. Sounds like bollocks. Anyway good luck Grin

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 05:37

Thank you (if you mean that, I think you do)!

OP posts:
Marmelace · 27/02/2022 05:38

I feel no negativity

mjf981 · 27/02/2022 05:46

This is one of those threads where you think 'this can't be real...' because its so batshit.
But a tiny part of you wonders (hopes?) that it is..

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 05:50

I am baffled, honestly I have absolutely no reason to lie, and obviously cannot prove anything-but I also don't understand what parts of it aren't believable. Maybe I am naïve!

OP posts:
GoogleWhacked · 27/02/2022 05:51

She's not paying rent, she should pay for the hotel when you go visit. Why would you pay, on top of paying to get there etc...? Presumably you pay for your own rent/ mortgage, so the least she can do is pay for a hotel room once a month or whatever.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 05:54

@googlewhacked I guess my train of thought was, in her eyes there's a perfectly good place for us to stay if I visit there, no need for a hotel?

Yes I pay my own mortgage. I will put it to her. I am a bit nervous about it, even though I am sure she'll be fine, It's just.. Not a very nice thing to say, to tell someone you don't like staying where they live.

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 27/02/2022 06:31

How weird that a poster can’t imagine friends commenting on another friend who sleeps in late! I’m known for going to bed early and I get a bit of teasing about that!

OP, how late does she sleep in?

rattlemehearties · 27/02/2022 06:33

@Patienceisntvirtuous

I have a feeling that if I say to her 'I am not going to come and stay after your Dad was horrible' I'll sound pathetic? And it might cause a big argument?
You don't have to word it like that. You're both grown adults. You can say the arrangement isn't suiting you any more, no need for fine details. Suggest a hotel, halfway or in her town, suggest she comes to yours more often. No drama. It's not "pathetic' to be assertive about what is right for you.

I'd be concerned about letting her move in with you though. She's not proving herself the best housemate. How are you sure she'll get up on time, will she expect you to do the laundry and cook her meals? You've not seen her manage her own life, until you have, don't live together

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2022 06:44

Your dp has more free time and I presume money than you as she’s living like a child. By offering to pay for a hotel, you are infantilising your dp. By saying it’s unfair for her to do all the travelling when she has chosen not to offer you a decent alternative (eg hotel) when you visit is infantilising her. She is being infantilised by both parents. Her father in turn infantilised you and she did not see fit to discuss it with you, even in private.

I get how this scenario happens. My mother is the same. I could never live with her again. I would end up like your dp, tip toeing around her. I even do it in my own home when she visits; I’m too physically ill to do otherwise.

You and your dp are in very different places. I’d be wondering what she is like to live with. Would she go crying to mummy and daddy? Have you been on a self catering holiday with her? How does she act when she visits you?

Chikapu · 27/02/2022 06:45

Is this a relationship you can see going somewhere? It sounds kind of half-arsed if she can't even be bothered to get out of bed while you're there.
Do you go out when you visit or are you just literally sitting in the house?