To say I don't want to sit with them again?

[Patienceisntvirtuous]

My partner who I met just before lockdown moved back in with her parents not long after we met. In order to save money.
I wasn't too bothered about this, her choice.

We're quite long distance.

I've visited her there a few of times. There's a few reasons I am not particularly happy doing this, which I didn't foresee unfortunately. She sleeps in very late, for instance and I don't usually. If she had her own place still I'd probably go for a potter about in the house, watch TV, make myself a cuppa etc but I don't feel this would be right in her parent's. I also feel I am a tad old (41!) to be cooped up in someone's bedroom like a teenager, but, I said it was fine when she said she may move back in with them and It's her choice isn't it.

Anyway, last time I were there, we went out for the day, watched a film in her bedroom and she suggested going downstairs to have a drink with her Mum and Dad. Her mum goes to bed quite early, and after this her Dad began laying into me about my car,(raised voice, targetting me) saying It's scruffy, It's old, It's this It's that, I should clean it up, It's full of takeaway wrappers NOT true, I NEVER eat takeaways so I think he must have made that bit up-anyway I don't think the subject matter is much relevant. I am happy with my car, I am not much into cars, and as long as It's reliable and does its job I have no desire to upgrade it.

I kept stoic, and said to him I wasn't going to upgrade my car on the back of the conversation, I will have whatever car I like, and thanked him for his concern (to which he shouted 'I'm not concerned!!!!') BUT he was really rather nasty and the conversation/tirade of berating of me went on for some ten minutes. In the end he called me a slob.

She did stick up for me at various points, agreeing that I didnt have any takeaway wrappers in my car, and some other point she made which I forget. And she sent me a msg mid-conv apologising.

AIBU to say I don't want to have a drink with him again? Or sit with him for any reason? If nothing else, being like that with a guest, I would say signals that they don't really want me there! It is very bad manners too?

Plus, what has my car got to do with him?

I know I'd have left some details out as I am thinking about this in the middle of the night and I am half asleep-apologies in advance!

You sound like a really kind caring person and I'm not sure she's putting quite as much into your relationship...
I think you're selling yourself short thinking both thinking that you're 'older now' and that there aren't plenty of other women out there that you could meet.
I wouldn't be going back to the parents house again, it's not a healthy environment.

@Patienceisntvirtuous

I have a feeling that if I say to her 'I am not going to come and stay after your Dad was horrible' I'll sound pathetic? And it might cause a big argument?

Where do you honestly see this relationship going?

@turtletotem I have told her I am not going back there. I've also learned some other things since (in the last day I mean) that I am really, really not happy about so definitely not. Hotel from now on if she wants me to do things in her area.

@Nanny0gg It's so disappointing. Not so long ago as I said upthread, when I first met her, and a few months ago I was really happy and thought we'd move in together and this was 'it' I'd found my one. But after recent events? And due to this thread, I am not so sure. I've also just realised I've responded but not to a whole page of replies, and I will do that tomorrow, just too tired (and a bit upset, to be honest!) at the moment.

I can understand that some people move back home for a while to save money to buy a house, to pay off debits or if they hit a bad patch and need a bit of support for a while ie say after a marriage brake up.
What person in their early 40's moves back home, lives their rent and bill free and has their mother doing their washing, cooking and cleaning?
Then they meet a new partner and expect them to drive a distance to spend the weekend in her childhood bedroom and with their elderly parents next door?

My feeling is that her parents especially her father are getting sick of her been their and then seeing you every weekend. Meanwhile she is saving plenty so why does she not travel to see you? Why does she not pay for a hotel at weekend for you both?

My feeling is that she sees you as answer to her prayers. She knows you have a house. Does she think she can move in, live rent and bill free with you? She can stay in bed till every afternoon?
Does she think you mind her like her parents have done up to now?

So if she lives a distance away from you - where will she get a job? Has she looked for work near you or is she doing further training to get a decent job near you?

At this stage I would not be going to stay in her parents house again. I tell her that she can travel to see you. I would not be paying for a hotel near her parents either.
To be honest you sound like a decent, kind person who is acting their age. Meanwhile she is like a someone in their late teens. It seems she never grew up. I also think that your far more invested in this so called relationship but she is showing you no respect.

I know as you get older many people like to be in a relationship. Relationships required give and take. If your doing all the giving and she just takes always no wonder your upset with this.
In your case I would end things with her and just say to her that your very different people. I would also tell her for her own sake she needs to leave home because it's not fair on her parents to still be their.

I don't thinknzi could cope with being ceuta an adult who still lives with their parents fir many reasons.

Sorry that was meant to say: I don't think I could cope with being with an adult that lives with their parent for many reasons.

Op you don't owe us all individual responses! Only do that if it's helpful ro you, there's no obligation

Okay, I've not responded to everyone but I've responded I think)! to all new suggestions/questions! Thanks :)

@alexdgr8 Yes, definitely not going again.

@angelina I don't think I live like someone half my age? Other than being 'single' (on paper) and living alone perhaps, could you explain?

@wildfire not nights but not far off, starts late, finishes early hours of morning.

@speakout her Mother is very 'mumsy' and was delighted to have one of her 'children' back home. She's not close to her Father, don't think they have much to do with one another.
Yes she works

@hopeless yes I'd do the same if it were my Dad, too.

@yamalt I have been a bit off with her before once about the feeling cooped up. I am very mild-tempered but I was really fed up. I've also taken myself off for walks, when she has slept in especially late. Took some old trainers especially in preparation. Well, by all accounts from her friends and family who talk about this ex, she did. I've seen messages from her ex too so it seems true for the most part.She had a different job then, though.

@ragwort I know, it isn't great is it.. her Mum and at least one of her friends have told her she's being unfair when I travel far, to remain in bed so late. She told her Mum she knew this but couldn't help it.

@thinwomansbrain thank you, that makes sense. She didn't sleep in as late then, but also I didn't mind so much. I got up, did some exercise videoes, read, watched TV... relaxed basically, it was okay, and I do appreciate a bit of space too, it didn't bother me so much.

@heronwatcher I don't think he's an alcoholic? But I don't really know do I. He has a fulltime job involving a lot of driving and always seems to be fine during the day when I have seen him.

@qweeenbea I definitely do not expect them to entertain me. I asked very politely if I could make a cup of tea once, but that's it. I have been out for walks but I am downstairs, say hello and out.Other than that I keep in her bedroom.

@esgdance no, if she does drink alcohol it makes her sleep later. But she doesn't drink excessively at all.

@namechangeanonymous she has been for tests before, because it does upset her too, but not recently. I am not sure why she didn't stick up for me further. It was very infantile to be honest, the whole saga.

@cam2020 It's weird because she's actually (in other ways) very independent and forthright. I didnt expect what I have experienced recently at all.

@billy1966 the not concerned with my comfort is what gets me. I wouldn't do this to her. If she sleep in late at mine I will go about my own thing but I am mindful to keep checking she's not woken up and is wondering where I am, for example.
I am definitely going to think more abotu my own needs and wants.

Katepilar@ yes, all involved are english. Her Mum is definitely one of those people you identify. She's somewhat like that with me, too to be honest when I am there.
She's not got any MH issues.

@rainartist yes it is the house she grew up in. And the last sentence is spot on. The sitting room thing is bizarre I agree. And yes I agree there's no going back to it with her Dad.

@annesbrokenslate Do I write as if I am in my twenties? I had abolutely no angst about her Dad's view of my car, I thought I made that clear in the OP however, none of this is about the subject matter, more so that I don't want to stay somewhere I am unwelcome. I don't hide as such, just, I am in someone else's house not my girlfriend's, I wouldn't feel right just going to join them at the table, I am not there to see them and I think they'd find it very weird.
I have been out for walks while she's asleep but It's a quick hello then gone. I don't think I should foist myself upon them?

@finallyhere yes, I do feel she should have stood up for me more.

@hazelbite they don't tiptoe around, It's quite a large house and she's on the third floor. You're right about her Mum preferring to cook and wash for her, and perhaps it is just easier as you say. As I've said in the OP, her Dad obviously doesn't want me there (although as I've also said now, she denied this and says he's just 'off' when he's had a drink). Her Mum absolutely does love having her at 'home' though.

@allofusaredead her ex, she says it was cheating. Her ex (as testified by other family members) was awful to her apparently but of course, I'll probably never know the whole truth-but then, my ex was horrible to me too and I bet her new gf thinks it was all my fault!

Anyway, I've told her we do hotels if she wants me to go and see her. I understand why she might want me to spend time with her family/friends (Not Dad, she has 2 siblings she's close to and a large friendship group) sometimees, but I have said I don't want to be there again and that her Dad clearly doesn't want me there. She denied and said 'He's just a dick It's just him' but nevermind.

But something else happened after that.

I am quite friendly with one of her friends, we do the same type of job and share a hobby.

We messaged about something work related the day before yesterday, and she said 'So you've seen X in his true colours so I hear' and we discussed it.
She then told me he had been like this with her when she's been around him, on several occasions. And she isn't anyone's partner nor was she staying over, nothing to do with that.

She also told me that she has been at a family gathering and Dad had come onto her when her partner was out of the room. Another time she stayed over at my gf's house before she lived closeby and was visiting my girlfriend and he followed her into her bedroom when she went to bed!

Ugh. Nope.

OP, I've just read your updates, you do sound like a very thoughtful person. You've done the right thing for yourself by deciding not to go back to their house, especially after what your GF's friend has shared with you. What a creep her dad is, and she is aware and still happy to keep inviting her female partner around?
She was probably relieved you suggested a hotel. Yes, it may have been your decision but actually the set up and her dad didn't leave you much choice. I suppose if you can afford it and want to continue seeing her, it may be a good option.
But you say she only works part time and is looking for a council house...
A few things for you to consider here:
She may not be allowed to apply in your area as her current location is elsewhere.
She has no dependents and isn't technically homeless, which means she will not be a priority. It may take a VERY long time to NEVER for her to get a council home.
Why does she only work part time if it doesn't pay enough for her to rent privately?

OP

You sound so lovely.
Honestly I don't like the sound of your girlfriend.
She is selfish and self absorbed.

Her father is scum and she knows it well.
She should have given you a heads up that he is a sleaze.
Someone who genuinely cared for you would.
I don't think she does.

I would go halves only on a hotel.

Certainly don't pay in full.
I would proceed with great care and if you were my pal I would be advising you get back out there.

You deserve better.

@Hoplesscynic @billy1966 thank you. I've actually actually one of my friends today and they said exactly the same as you both in that I should have been given the heads up.

I never thought about it before others said it? Something wrong with my brain.

Apparently the friend who it happened to, told my gfs mum and she confronted dad who got very angry and said she was lying and that was that. Perhaps my gf thinks she was lying :(

She should have told me.

I don't know whether to confront her. I want to, but how... That may mean people fall out if friend wasn't 'meant' to tell me.

She is paid for full-time hours and has a full time contract, her hours are going back to full-time soon, the company just don't need her there as much due to covid. Thank you for the compliments too. I'm honestly so disappointed about all of this.

Don't be hard on yourself at all.
As posters uninvolved, it is often very easy to see the wood from the trees!

I don't believe for one second that your mutual friend that told her mother was lying.
Not for a single second.

She knows well her father is awful but suits herself.

I understand your disappointment.
I really do.
But far worse to become more and more invested, to be very badly let down.

Personally, I don't think you need to confront her at all.
This is all information that is good to have.
You do not want to be going near her home again.
You don't want to be near her father.
Knowledge is power.
So use the knowledge to reflect and protect yourself, and your heart.
I don't think this woman is going to give you what you want at all.
She is too self absorbed.
You can still see her but I do think you should be open to new people.
You deserve better.

@billy1966 yes, she won't be lying about it. She says everyone knows what he's like but just carries on as normal around him. She's said she's okay with me bringing it up to gf if I do decide to.

Thank you. It's a lot to think about. I liked this one because she's so kind, affectionate, and has been helpful toward me, likes being with me no matter what we're doing, It's a change from the grumpy people I've dated before! But that doesn't mean other things aren't going to go wrong does it.

Maybe your DP is hiding from the father

Definitely stick to your guns re-not visiting.

One of good friend’s mom is exactly like this she will DEMAND (not suggest or advise) you change your car or house furniture because SHE personally hates it. It’s mind-boggling really and she gets really stroppy and rude when we tell her that we actually really like our items the way they are but thank her for her concerns.

So some people are just completely nuts!

As for the sleeping in part I can totally relate. I was dating this woman who admittedly worked a fair amount (as do I) and only had a day off on the weekend so if we would go out the night before we would naturally sleep-in (I also like my sleep and good lie-in) which for me meant 12pm but for her was 2-3pm which was fine except I was always starving and she lived in a shared house so I didn’t feel comfortable going to the kitchen etc… one time it really grated on me because she literally slept the ENTIRE day (and it was the last day we would see each other as I was moving abroad for a few month). She literally woke up for an hour at 7pm (!!!) and then went back to sleep until 10:30pm where I told her I actually had to go.

I understand being tired but honestly I found it so uncomfortable. Like I said, I like a good lie in and if I don’t work you likely won’t see me until 11am or more but when I have guests or I sleep over at people’s the minute I hear them move I force myself to wake up as there is nothing more weird than waiting for someone to wake up to start your day, so if the other person wake up at 8am then 8am it is. I didn’t expect her to wake up exactly at the same time as me but to not go back to bed an hour after waking up at 2pm.

We honestly never did anything as a result of this and spent our day in bed which is nice every now and again but not when it’s most time we see each other. We broke up shortly after cause honestly I couldn’t cope with it (and a few other factors).

@Monty27 hiding???

@Linning

Definitely stick to your guns re-not visiting.

One of good friend’s mom is exactly like this she will DEMAND (not suggest or advise) you change your car or house furniture because SHE personally hates it. It’s mind-boggling really and she gets really stroppy and rude when we tell her that we actually really like our items the way they are but thank her for her concerns.

So some people are just completely nuts!

As for the sleeping in part I can totally relate. I was dating this woman who admittedly worked a fair amount (as do I) and only had a day off on the weekend so if we would go out the night before we would naturally sleep-in (I also like my sleep and good lie-in) which for me meant 12pm but for her was 2-3pm which was fine except I was always starving and she lived in a shared house so I didn’t feel comfortable going to the kitchen etc… one time it really grated on me because she literally slept the ENTIRE day (and it was the last day we would see each other as I was moving abroad for a few month). She literally woke up for an hour at 7pm (!!!) and then went back to sleep until 10:30pm where I told her I actually had to go.

I understand being tired but honestly I found it so uncomfortable. Like I said, I like a good lie in and if I don’t work you likely won’t see me until 11am or more but when I have guests or I sleep over at people’s the minute I hear them move I force myself to wake up as there is nothing more weird than waiting for someone to wake up to start your day, so if the other person wake up at 8am then 8am it is. I didn’t expect her to wake up exactly at the same time as me but to not go back to bed an hour after waking up at 2pm.

We honestly never did anything as a result of this and spent our day in bed which is nice every now and again but not when it’s most time we see each other. We broke up shortly after cause honestly I couldn’t cope with it (and a few other factors).

Aww this sounds so painful for you! What did she have to say about it?