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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I don't want to sit with them again?

167 replies

Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 03:51

My partner who I met just before lockdown moved back in with her parents not long after we met. In order to save money.
I wasn't too bothered about this, her choice.

We're quite long distance.

I've visited her there a few of times. There's a few reasons I am not particularly happy doing this, which I didn't foresee unfortunately. She sleeps in very late, for instance and I don't usually. If she had her own place still I'd probably go for a potter about in the house, watch TV, make myself a cuppa etc but I don't feel this would be right in her parent's. I also feel I am a tad old (41!) to be cooped up in someone's bedroom like a teenager, but, I said it was fine when she said she may move back in with them and It's her choice isn't it.

Anyway, last time I were there, we went out for the day, watched a film in her bedroom and she suggested going downstairs to have a drink with her Mum and Dad. Her mum goes to bed quite early, and after this her Dad began laying into me about my car,(raised voice, targetting me) saying It's scruffy, It's old, It's this It's that, I should clean it up, It's full of takeaway wrappers NOT true, I NEVER eat takeaways so I think he must have made that bit up-anyway I don't think the subject matter is much relevant. I am happy with my car, I am not much into cars, and as long as It's reliable and does its job I have no desire to upgrade it.

I kept stoic, and said to him I wasn't going to upgrade my car on the back of the conversation, I will have whatever car I like, and thanked him for his concern (to which he shouted 'I'm not concerned!!!!') BUT he was really rather nasty and the conversation/tirade of berating of me went on for some ten minutes. In the end he called me a slob.

She did stick up for me at various points, agreeing that I didnt have any takeaway wrappers in my car, and some other point she made which I forget. And she sent me a msg mid-conv apologising.

AIBU to say I don't want to have a drink with him again? Or sit with him for any reason? If nothing else, being like that with a guest, I would say signals that they don't really want me there! It is very bad manners too?

Plus, what has my car got to do with him?

I know I'd have left some details out as I am thinking about this in the middle of the night and I am half asleep-apologies in advance!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 07:41

Sorry, but your girlfriend sounds pathetic. A grown woman not paying rent, living with her parents, and she allows them to do everything for her as though she's still a child? That's just ridiculous. You can do better. Find a real adult to build a future with.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/02/2022 07:46

The thought of even staying with my parents makes my blood run cold. I left at 16 and never went back. There is no way I'd be staying at ayones parents house.

twominutesmore · 27/02/2022 07:49

Do you think she sees it as a short-term thing, until you ask her to move in with you? Maybe she thinks it will force your hand.

AngelinaFibres · 27/02/2022 07:51

This whole situation is very odd. You are both middle aged , yet you are living like people half your age.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 27/02/2022 07:55

The dad is the least of your problems. You say the woman is nice, bit essentially, in order to see her, you are going to have to pick up all the tabs. It's a bit rent a girlfriend.

Flickflak · 27/02/2022 07:59

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

RowanAlong · 27/02/2022 07:59

I’d be overt about it - really you should be able to say to her, ‘I don’t feel comfortable skulking around like a teenager at your parents, it doesn’t give us the space we need, and I find your father unwelcoming’. That’s not rude, it’s honest. You mentioned she wants to move in with you - is this going to be soon? Could you meet at yours until then, or do a b&b when you go to hers?

WildfirePonie · 27/02/2022 08:00

What are her working hours? Does she work nights?

speakout · 27/02/2022 08:01

How do the parents feel I wonder- having their 45 year old move back in, and having her girlfriend stay over.
Perhaps a tad resentful? If not the mother then possibly the father.
A 45 year old should be well able to sort out their own housing and finances.
Does this woman work?
Too old to be living like a child.

Darbs76 · 27/02/2022 08:02

I wouldn’t want to go there either, just use the bedroom reason and her sleeping in, you don’t want to be sat there trapped in a bedroom when you’ve got your own place. She can come to you, and if you’re happy for her to move in with you in the future then that solves the problem

Hoplesscynic · 27/02/2022 08:02

OP, why do you feel you need to find excuses or say things "gently" I.e essentially tip toe around the issues?
If she is your girlfriend and you can't even communicate straightforwardly with her, then you have a big problem.
These are very valid things: being cooped up in a room for hours and being treated nastily by her dad. You need to say it like it is. To be honest, I am surprised she doesn't feel embarrassed or see how unacceptable this is. You said somewhere up thread that if you brought this up, she'll just say her dad had a bit much to drink and it's all fine. But it isn't and it doesn't matter why he was horrible, what matters is how he made you feel. Does she even care about that? If my dad spoke like that to my DP, I'd have intervened properly and would have myself made sure that my DP didn't have to deal with him again. I can't imagine living with parents at her age - unless I literally had no other choice and/or it was VERY temporary. And certainly not with parents like hers who scream at my DP and insult them nastily for no reason. What a joke. Put your foot down, tell her the animosity of her father, plus being unable to use the house and her sleeping in that late, make it impossible for you to continue going there. Tell her she's welcome to visit at yours. She must have saved quite a lot of money by not paying rent, surely she can afford making the trips to you. Or she can pay your hotel expenses if you do visit her.

Yamalt · 27/02/2022 08:04

Why are you being so passive? It’s likely no wonder you’ve ended up in a relationship with a woman-child who thinks nothing of laying in bed till 3pmHmm. How rude to just leave you say in her bedroom for the best part of a day, to twiddle your thumbs!

You will regret letting someone like this love in and leech off you.

Also I can’t believe this person ‘brought up her exes kids’, if she can’t even get out of bed before the middle of the afternoon. Yeaaaah right!

loveacuppa5 · 27/02/2022 08:04

YANBU

I wouldn't want to go there again either. However are you sure these are the in-laws that you want? This isn't a great start. Imagine if he felt comfortable to talk in this manner to you this time how he will talk to you in 10 years time when he's even more comfortable

PollyPurpose · 27/02/2022 08:05

I wouldn’t want to date anyone - male or female who still allowed their parents to do all their cooking and laundry and bedroom tidying.

I would struggle to date someone whose father was so horrid.

At 31 I wouldn’t be willing to give up my weekend independence for this scenario.

Personally I’d be looking at the relationship as a whole.

Ohmybod · 27/02/2022 08:07

You are allowed to change your mind. If you can’t be honest about that then I think it’s obvious there are already underlying issues in the relationship. Be honest with yourself (are you really long term compatible?) and with her. But I don’t think you can give this relationship a real decent go when she’s living at home.

diddl · 27/02/2022 08:10

After your father was so rude, she should have suggested that you didn't stay there anymore!

And there isn't a decent place to stay as you don't feel that you can be up & about in the house.

My take was also that Op is female, maybe her partner's Dad doesn't agree with the relationship, or he was bullying Op because he feels it's OK to speak to women like that.

Monty27 · 27/02/2022 08:12

Yes you need to get your ass out of there. I would absolutely not stay somewhere with so much hostility.
Your call your life OP

Ragwort · 27/02/2022 08:15

This situation is absolutely pathetic, after the first 'visit' I would have made it very clear that it wasn't working and she needs to visit you or meet in a hotel. But why all the sleeping in so late? If you don't see each other that often surely you want to be awake and enjoying time together? Confused.

Sorry to blunt but you sound like a love sick teenager happy to put up with any scraps of time' your GF is prepared to o throw at you.

Get rid and work on your self esteem and learn how to have an adult relationship.

ThinWomansBrain · 27/02/2022 08:16

I guess I'd just feel it was a bit unfair her doing all of the driving, all of the time apart from her familiarities, friends etc.

Unfair of her to expect you to stay where you aren't welcome, sleep in until midday & expect you to stay cooped up in her bedroom. She is the one that isn't in a position to host you.
Did she sleep in all day when she had her own home, or when she visits you? - Just wondering whether she sleeps in to avoid her parents.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/02/2022 08:16

I would consider getting out of the relationship as you don't seem to want the same things. I wouldn't go and stay with her parents again.

sonjadog · 27/02/2022 08:17

I couldn't deal with the sleeping half the day away thing. Imagine in the future when you are on holiday, and you want to get up and go see the interesting new place you are in... but you can't because your partner is in bed until 3pm. Or even a regular weekend, when you want to go out to get shopping done or go for a walk. I would end up so angry about it that it would end the relationship for me.

PriamFarrl · 27/02/2022 08:19

The incompatibility in sleeping would end the relationship for me.

Me and DH are both morning people. We like to be up and about and get everything done in the morning, even on holiday. It wouldn’t work if one of us was in bed until 3!

Seraphinesupport · 27/02/2022 08:19

tbh id be moving on.

candycane222 · 27/02/2022 08:20

She sounds quite selfish to me OP - she isn't considering your comfort when you are staying at hers, is she? I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that you can't really relax there and now her dad has made you feel unwelcome, you are even more uncomfortable.

If you are heading towards moving in together, you really need to be able to have these sorts of conversations. And if you can't, or if she gets unreasonably upset (which would probably have the effect of shutting you down as you sound quite conciliatory) and/or she isn't able ro accommodate your feelings alongside her own , then it doesn't bode at all well for your future happiness with her, I don't think.

Metalguru22 · 27/02/2022 08:22

Just make sure you aren't free board and lodging for her if she does move in with you. Keep your financial independence and ownership of your home, but she needs to pay her way.
As for the rest of it tell her you're too old to put up with being stuck in a bedroom and being insulted by your partner's parents so you won't be going back.

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