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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I don't want to sit with them again?

167 replies

Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 03:51

My partner who I met just before lockdown moved back in with her parents not long after we met. In order to save money.
I wasn't too bothered about this, her choice.

We're quite long distance.

I've visited her there a few of times. There's a few reasons I am not particularly happy doing this, which I didn't foresee unfortunately. She sleeps in very late, for instance and I don't usually. If she had her own place still I'd probably go for a potter about in the house, watch TV, make myself a cuppa etc but I don't feel this would be right in her parent's. I also feel I am a tad old (41!) to be cooped up in someone's bedroom like a teenager, but, I said it was fine when she said she may move back in with them and It's her choice isn't it.

Anyway, last time I were there, we went out for the day, watched a film in her bedroom and she suggested going downstairs to have a drink with her Mum and Dad. Her mum goes to bed quite early, and after this her Dad began laying into me about my car,(raised voice, targetting me) saying It's scruffy, It's old, It's this It's that, I should clean it up, It's full of takeaway wrappers NOT true, I NEVER eat takeaways so I think he must have made that bit up-anyway I don't think the subject matter is much relevant. I am happy with my car, I am not much into cars, and as long as It's reliable and does its job I have no desire to upgrade it.

I kept stoic, and said to him I wasn't going to upgrade my car on the back of the conversation, I will have whatever car I like, and thanked him for his concern (to which he shouted 'I'm not concerned!!!!') BUT he was really rather nasty and the conversation/tirade of berating of me went on for some ten minutes. In the end he called me a slob.

She did stick up for me at various points, agreeing that I didnt have any takeaway wrappers in my car, and some other point she made which I forget. And she sent me a msg mid-conv apologising.

AIBU to say I don't want to have a drink with him again? Or sit with him for any reason? If nothing else, being like that with a guest, I would say signals that they don't really want me there! It is very bad manners too?

Plus, what has my car got to do with him?

I know I'd have left some details out as I am thinking about this in the middle of the night and I am half asleep-apologies in advance!

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 27/02/2022 06:52

She sounds like an absolute waste of space. And not lovely at all. She is lazy, unmotivated, greedy, and doesn't have your back when you need her to.

I think you are being rather naive, I'm afraid - and I would run a mile from this relationship. She's not mature enough to handle a proper relationship.

On the other if you fancy raising a child, and having to pick up after her, pay for everything, and take on all the responsibilities in the relationship, then move her in!

BearPear · 27/02/2022 06:52

A hotel wouldn’t solve the problem of them sleeping late while you are awake though. Or would you be getting up and leaving the room, getting breakfast, going for a walk?
What if this is a red herring? How do you see the relationship progressing long term - do you see yourselves together still in 6 months? A year? If so what are the living arrangements? I think there’s more to consider than their sleep patterns and obnoxious father.

SonicBroom · 27/02/2022 06:54

This has alarm bells written all over it, I’d be quitting I’m afraid. You’re an independent 41 year old, you can do better.

SimpleShootingWeekend · 27/02/2022 06:57

She’s been living with her parents for over 2 years, letting them clean her room, cook her food, do her laundry and be weirdly aggressive about takeaway wrappers in your scruffy car. She sounds like an absolute baby. Who invites someone to stay with their parents, knowing that their parents are, frankly, odd, and then lies in bed all day? I agree with pp that you and they are all infantilising her. And now she wants to live with you so you can clean her room, do her laundry, pay her bill, cook her dinner etc. it doesn’t sound like a sensible related adults sharing a home situation, but like a teenager who isn’t ready to leave. I honestly don’t get the “I’d have to pay for the hotel” - why? Because you all think she’s a kid?

Zonder · 27/02/2022 06:58

You two just aren't on the same page. How long is she planning to stay living with her parents?

ChaToilLeam · 27/02/2022 06:59

It’s one thing zinnoberrotere back with your parents, either as a stop gap, or because they or you need the support.

Quite another to lay about the house when you have a guest and to subject them to your horrible rude father.

I wouldn’t go back there and be clear about why. I also wouldn’t let her move in. She sounds lazy and you’d end up doing everything while she 😴.

Whingasaurus · 27/02/2022 07:01

Life is too short for this shit you are 41 this is the sort of relationship you have at 17. Move on.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 07:02

@1AngelicFruitCake They laugh at her over it all the time, yes in a teasing way. Normal to me. If you ring someone to go somewhere and they don't answer and then call back at lunchtime 'sorry I was in bed' or you're on holiday and are the last one to join by the pool, of course you'll know someone often lies in.

Until at least 12:00, but I think that's often because I up, making noise even though I try to not, creeping around the room or whatever and It's a small room. too. When we're not together of a weekend, It's much later, sometimes up to 3pm before she'll message me to say 'morning' Hmm

@rattlemehearties thank you for those suggestions. I can just say I just don't find it suits me.

She does work, cooks for me while she stays here, is a lot more 'house-proud' generally (this I've seen from before she moved in with parents, and her behavior here, e.g it doesn't bother me if things aren't spotless or dishes are left for a bit whereas she'll do them straight away and likes everything put away, but having said that I am wary of her moving in anyway, I don't know if we'll gel together.

@mummyoflittledragon she is quite practical while here. I didn't appreciate her Dad being that way with me at all, I feel like I am a guest there, invited and of course I don't expect a red carpet, but that was really rude. I think she thinks it is fine that I stay there, is what I mean, why offer an alternative to something she thinks works okay?
I've not been on holiday with her although there is one booked for September.

I am sorry to hear your Mum is like that :(

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/02/2022 07:04

She sounds really awful! Why on earth are you with her? You make the effort to go and stay with her and then she's asleep half the time? Also she is happy living with her parents but her dad in particular is horrible to you. Why isn't she saying that she won't put up with that and will visit you in future? It really worries me that you are thinking of living with her in your own home. She's making no effort at all to provide for herself now. That will not change.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 27/02/2022 07:05

I'll have to respond later on to everyone else as I have to go out now, thank you so much for the insight, everyone!

OP posts:
ViceLikeBlip · 27/02/2022 07:07

My guess is that the dad didn't even want the 45yo daughter moving back in, never mind a partner staying over. I'm also guessing that he wouldn't treat you that way if you were a man 🙄

Is your girlfriend saving for something in particular? Is there an actual exit plan from this living situation, or is it pretty indefinite?

Sswhinesthebest · 27/02/2022 07:09

I’d be more worried that she herself can’t see the problem of you continuing to go there.

You need to be frank and tell her that you don’t want to spend time acting like a teenager anymore, and also being insulted by her father. If she doesn’t come up with alternative suggestions, then I can’t see that you have much choice other than to finish the relationship now.

You have to set your boundaries or the whole family will walk over you.

Juniper68 · 27/02/2022 07:10

If she isn't paying bills then she can afford petrol to visit you instead.

All sounds grim tbh.

NameGoesHere · 27/02/2022 07:11

Of course she wants to move in with you… protect your property/assets from her. Though think you’d be making a mistake to continue this relationship.

crispsandnuts · 27/02/2022 07:14

Sleeping patterns are a big deal for me in a relationship. Sounds harsh but it would be a deal breaker of my DP slept in until lunchtime or later.

I've been with friends on holiday who slept until later morning and I've been awake since 7am wanting to get up but also not wanting to wake them.
It won't get better if you live together, it'll just irritate you more as you'll feel the day is wasted.
As for the rude dad, he won't get any better either, again, differences in values is a big thing.

forrestgreen · 27/02/2022 07:15

Are you the daughters first same sex relationship

forrestgreen · 27/02/2022 07:16

And tbh who wants to live with someone who sleeps in til 3pm given a chance

bedheadedzombie · 27/02/2022 07:20

What kind of lifestyle do you want to have together long term? I think you need to be more sure that you are compatible before she moves in with you.

Alisae · 27/02/2022 07:23

Having had in-laws like that before….run!

She sounds very immature for her age, and a weak character. Not someone I’d want moving in with me.

Thingsdogetbetter · 27/02/2022 07:24

Her parents probably weren't expecting her bf to be staying too when they agreed for her to move back in rent free in her 40s. . Did she really give up her adult independence so she didn't have to pay rent/bills? Does she even pay for her own food?

And then you're there too on a regular basis for a weekend as a guest - not contributing to food/bills and the 2 of you hide away in their home. I assume her parents have said something about her and you staying hidden in her bedroom for the weekend (how uncomfortable for her parents) hence the sudden push for you both to spend time with her parents in their home as their guests.

While she's 'told' her mother not to clean/cook/do laundry for her, she still let's her do it. That's not a great sign of independence and adult behaviour.

You seriously need to get over your 'gentleman' attitudes and stop treating her like a child as well. It sounds bloody awful to be staying at her parents, but you feel ungentlemanly to make her do all the travelling etc. She choose her living situation so she doesn't pay rent. Travelling to you or her paying for a hotel so you're not stuck in her bedroom like 17 year olds is the price she pays for that - in money that she's saving on rent and time. When she comes to yours, does she contribute to the weekend's food and housework?

It seems like she 'played' house on her own for less than 2 years and didn't like it. Free accommodation with all the housework done for her was a much better option in her mind. Have you even discussed the financial and housework spilt if she moves in with you? Or she expecting rent free there too?

Libertybear80 · 27/02/2022 07:27

What an odd set up at your age op! Can't you move in together or maybe date someone who has grown up?

Mooster62 · 27/02/2022 07:27

You say she is hoping to move in with you soon. Presumably she will have to leave her job. So will she just be moving from one mother to another? How much will she be contributing and what happens if it doesn't work out?

Thingsdogetbetter · 27/02/2022 07:30

Just realised I assumed OP was male. Not sure what the female equivalent of 'gentlemanly' would be? 🤔

Eddielizzard · 27/02/2022 07:31

I agree with the infantilising nature of her home situation. I also think the Dad wasn't on board with you visiting which would make me reticent to visit again. Sounds to me like financial problems if she's not paying them rent and not treating you to the hotel? That sounds rather miserly of her. I would be careful going forward in this. A lot of hurdles to get over.

alexdgr8 · 27/02/2022 07:37

her father doesn't want you there, so you shouldn't be going.
it is his, and her mother's, house. not hers.
she lives there like a minor child, as others have said.
and she can't even be bothered to get up when you are there.
she could go to bed earlier if she needs more sleep.
but these are mere details.
you are in the wrong place there.
and with, or rather trying to be with, the wrong person.
you are not really with her at all, are you.
wave goodbyeeee.

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