To say I don't want to sit with them again?

[Patienceisntvirtuous]

My partner who I met just before lockdown moved back in with her parents not long after we met. In order to save money.
I wasn't too bothered about this, her choice.

We're quite long distance.

I've visited her there a few of times. There's a few reasons I am not particularly happy doing this, which I didn't foresee unfortunately. She sleeps in very late, for instance and I don't usually. If she had her own place still I'd probably go for a potter about in the house, watch TV, make myself a cuppa etc but I don't feel this would be right in her parent's. I also feel I am a tad old (41!) to be cooped up in someone's bedroom like a teenager, but, I said it was fine when she said she may move back in with them and It's her choice isn't it.

Anyway, last time I were there, we went out for the day, watched a film in her bedroom and she suggested going downstairs to have a drink with her Mum and Dad. Her mum goes to bed quite early, and after this her Dad began laying into me about my car,(raised voice, targetting me) saying It's scruffy, It's old, It's this It's that, I should clean it up, It's full of takeaway wrappers NOT true, I NEVER eat takeaways so I think he must have made that bit up-anyway I don't think the subject matter is much relevant. I am happy with my car, I am not much into cars, and as long as It's reliable and does its job I have no desire to upgrade it.

I kept stoic, and said to him I wasn't going to upgrade my car on the back of the conversation, I will have whatever car I like, and thanked him for his concern (to which he shouted 'I'm not concerned!!!!') BUT he was really rather nasty and the conversation/tirade of berating of me went on for some ten minutes. In the end he called me a slob.

She did stick up for me at various points, agreeing that I didnt have any takeaway wrappers in my car, and some other point she made which I forget. And she sent me a msg mid-conv apologising.

AIBU to say I don't want to have a drink with him again? Or sit with him for any reason? If nothing else, being like that with a guest, I would say signals that they don't really want me there! It is very bad manners too?

Plus, what has my car got to do with him?

I know I'd have left some details out as I am thinking about this in the middle of the night and I am half asleep-apologies in advance!

Plus of course if it becomes a 'long term thing' you probably will be expected to visit -or even stay - then you need to set your ground rules as soon as possible.

If she went to bed at 0300 she'd still be having a ridiculous 12 hours sleep if she got up at 1500!
That's not 'needs a lot of sleep' that's just lazy.
And what on earth is the point of going on holiday when she will only be awake for about 9 hours a day and you will not be able to do anything outside of that time?

No YANBU, either she comes to you or you stay at a hotel near her. Of course you can visit her parents for lunch etc, but the first time this starts get yourself out of the situation (and tell her why). You having agreed with her that it makes sense to move home doesn’t bind you to being bullied in your own time indefinitely! He also sounds like he might be an alcoholic.

I would hate to have my very adult DD living at home and having to have her very adult BF there too. I don't want to entertain him while she sleeps in. Bad enough having her here!!

You don't have an 'inlaws' problem. You have a partner problem. It really shouldn't be such hard work. Think about this. And don't be quick to join your financials together. Red flag city.

Oh gawd I’m having flashbacks to early 20s sleeping in my ex boyfriends single bed in his bedroom at his parents house 🙈 I couldn’t do it now

Does she drink too much?

They all sound like weirdos, I’d back off and find someone new

@Patienceisntvirtuous

I have a feeling that if I say to her 'I am not going to come and stay after your Dad was horrible' I'll sound pathetic? And it might cause a big argument?

No, you say, this staying at your parents thing isn't working for me.

Realistically, does the relationship have a future? If so you need to get somewhere to live together.

One thing moving back in with parents, a friend tried to live alone following a marriage break down
but she ended up over a few years acrewing debts so she moved home with a view of clearing debts and moving out again. Whether or not her parents charge rent IMO isn't of concern depends on her parents finances and their need. Why did she move home? Unfortunately with things as they are at the moment I forsee a lot of people moving back home 😞 has she told her mum not to clean her room?

On the other hand the thought of my DH whose 39 and me ....in my parents spare bedroom having sex ... uncomfortable for all involved.

How her DF spoke to you is unacceptable she was unacceptable- though its a bit awkward for her he sounds like the sort of charmer who would tell her to pack her things if she stuck up .. . Where would she go?

Has she been tested for reasons why she sleeps such long hours? Maybe she's just avoiding reality. But maybe there's an underlining health reason. I wouldn't be impressed though being stuck in a bedroom whilst she's asleep all weekend.

@alexdgr8

you are not really a compatible couple, i think. all this analysing the minutiae of how her parents live is irrelevant. and obviously her father does not want you in their house. i think you should wave goodbye, wish her well, and depart. find someone nearer, more available. good luck.

This. Definitely incompatible, and her dad resents you in their house. Sounds horrible. Get a more compatible partner.

You can't really call yourself a guest can you, if you are visiting & staying regularly without invitation from the parents. I bet the dad has been storing up his resentment and finally, this weekend, has had a go at you.

Yes, nit picking about your car, but that's just his route into having a go at you. It could just as well have been anything else about you that didn't 'fit' with his values.

I think the parents sound domineering - the mother who runs around after her adult child, probably at her own insistence; the father who wants to control what people do, lecture and undermine people (women).

If my dad had started that, he'd have got short shrift and we would have gone back upstairs since alcohol made leaving impossible. A text message mid tirade and a few remarks in defense of your car don't really cut it. I think it sounds like she's been suffocated by these people all her life. Having been the partner of someone with similar parents, I'd be very cautious and on the look out for signs of immaturity.

OP,

Great advice above.

This person is not someone you want moving in with you.

She sounds lazy and selfish.

The sleeping in late would be enough for most people.

She is utterly unconcerned with your comfort.

Basic courtesy should have her getting up at a reasonable hour, but she isn't capable of that.

Be very careful, you are wasting your time here.

Stop thinking of her feelings and start thinking of your own.

You do not want her living in your home when she has so little consideration of others.

Move on.

She would give me the 'ick! In her 40's sleeping til midday, living with parents (yes it would save many of us money but why would you want to?) she sounds like she's living student life. And standing there letting her dad bizarrely berate you on your car?!? Leave her and find someone on the same page as you!

[quote Patienceisntvirtuous]@1AngelicFruitCake They laugh at her over it all the time, yes in a teasing way. Normal to me. If you ring someone to go somewhere and they don't answer and then call back at lunchtime 'sorry I was in bed' or you're on holiday and are the last one to join by the pool, of course you'll know someone often lies in.

Until at least 12:00, but I think that's often because I up, making noise even though I try to not, creeping around the room or whatever and It's a small room. too. When we're not together of a weekend, It's much later, sometimes up to 3pm before she'll message me to say 'morning'

@rattlemehearties thank you for those suggestions. I can just say I just don't find it suits me.

She does work, cooks for me while she stays here, is a lot more 'house-proud' generally (this I've seen from before she moved in with parents, and her behavior here, e.g it doesn't bother me if things aren't spotless or dishes are left for a bit whereas she'll do them straight away and likes everything put away, but having said that I am wary of her moving in anyway, I don't know if we'll gel together.

@mummyoflittledragon she is quite practical while here. I didn't appreciate her Dad being that way with me at all, I feel like I am a guest there, invited and of course I don't expect a red carpet, but that was really rude. I think she thinks it is fine that I stay there, is what I mean, why offer an alternative to something she thinks works okay?
I've not been on holiday with her although there is one booked for September.

I am sorry to hear your Mum is like that :([/quote]
I just found it annoying that a poster was saying it wasn’t real when I can imagine friends teasing!

I’m sorry but 12 and only because you’re making noise is just plain rude! I’d assume they were wanting to live like a student. They sound really self involved or ill of there’s a reason for extreme tiredness? Do they eat unhealthily? All sounds a lot to ask of you!

You saying "ok" or not to her moving to her parents house is not relevant. You are cant allow her or forbid her moving where she does.

Re your feeling about her living there. Yes, its not very practical for your relationhip. Her mother does her cooking/ironing/cleaning very likely because thats how she wants it, not because your girlfriend wants her to. Thats how some mothers/ homes operates.

Is your gf British? If her family comes from a different cultures it will be even more normal for her to live like this when adult. I think the british culture is quite strong on the "adult children need to move out and live their own life.

I think the options are (1) she drives to see you more often and (2) you get a hotel when you go to her place. I don't think I'd refuse to go to her parents - could start a real nasty argument that will be difficult to meet. Just engineer meetings with her but not at her parent's place. YANBU though - I mean what business of his is your car. He sounds a bit of a dick, probably after he's drunk a bit too much.

@sonjadog

I couldn't deal with the sleeping half the day away thing. Imagine in the future when you are on holiday, and you want to get up and go see the interesting new place you are in... but you can't because your partner is in bed until 3pm. Or even a regular weekend, when you want to go out to get shopping done or go for a walk. I would end up so angry about it that it would end the relationship for me.

It would be a deal breaker for me too.

Move on from this relationship. Your at a different stage in your life than your partner.

45!!
I'm that age and couldn't imagine moving back home never mind having a partner there too. As for the being waited on by mum and the dad not "letting" them in the sitting room that is not a good set up. She does sound immature, unless she has just reverted back to her "child" role and they still think she is 15. Is it the house she grew up in?

I'd be considering the relationship to be honest, this would be awful in your 20s, but in your 40s.... Even if she had her own place you now know what her family are like and how she acts in their company.

Is there a reason why you're both in your 40s but living and (in your case) writing as though you're in your 20s? Apart from the obvious.

I can't imagine anyone in their 40s having all this angst about a 'dad's view of their car, and hiding in a room. It's all very teenage.

This feels a bit like the Sex and the City reboot where young writers tried to imagine what being a certain age would be like, and fell ludicrously short.

Meant to add, if you felt like leaving after that conversation but couldn't because of the wine. That would be the last time I'd have engaged with her father ever, he was/is rude.

He doesn't want you there, you don't want to be there, so why put everyone through it? You'll never have a "normal" in law relationship with him now.

OP, is your girlfriend having troubles at work or financially? Or in any other way? Sleeping for long hours and into the day can be signs of depression or other mental health issues.

I wouldn’t go to their house again in your shoes.