So many responses, I am humbled, thank you. I'll try to respond to all questions or ones that invite a reply for a given :)
I am so sorry, I definitely should have specified in the beginning that yes we're lesbians, she's been out since she was a pre-teen and has never been with a male. I've been out for 15 years. It's not hidden or surprising etc.
This is a bit of a struggle and a lot of the responses are really making me think.
I really was so happy a few months ago, when we first met however, I told her I wasn't wanting long distance and she encouraged me to give it a go. I really liked her, and am obviously not young any longer so I didn't want to give up on something that could work.
@chikapu she has been to the GP about her sleeping as she finds it abnormal herself, she isn't happy that she sleeps in so late. Her sleep pattern may also be affected by her working hours, but I doubt it would cause her to need more than 8 hours regularly.
We do go out, we both have dogs that we walk, we visit local attractions, go to the pub for dinner. She's also taken me doing things I don't like doing and I've nipped that in the bud now. :(
@luckingfovely I do find she's not as motivated in the same way I am. She's much more practical though, often involved in doing people's houses up or other such jobs for them.
I admit I may have been very naïve here. I definitely don't pick up after her, that may be the other way around, and she earns far less than me but does pay her way if we go out etc.
@bearpear no it wouldn't, but at least I could feel free to have a shower, make a cup of tea, put the TV on and the room would be larger!
I think the natural thing is for her to move in with me, I told her from the beginning I didn't want to relocate, and I wouldn't. She reassured me she would be happy to move to where I live. I do doubt that, given how close she is to her family and friends and we've discussed it many times.
@Sonicbroom one thing I worry about is as an older lesbian, my 'dating pool' is much smaller than the next person's! I am tryin to envision what 'better' looks like.
@simpleshootingweekend I honestly doubt the housework would fall to me, she's a lot better at it and a lot more conscientious about cleaning etc. But of the rest of your post, yes. I guess it is MY decision to not stay where she lives whereas she's happy to, so that's why I felt it would fall to me to pay for a hotel if we stayed in one.
@zonder she has told me she needs her own place, and has been looking, is on the list for a council place etc. But only because of me I think. I have brought it up with her before about feeling lonely/bored at her parents if she's asleep.
@chatoilleam I hear you on that :(
She sleeps in when staying at my house too, but at least I am free to do what I want there, and I live alone so I can go downstairs in my pjs, have a shower, go about my own things.
@hollowtalk okay. She's a really nice person, treats me nicely, buys a lot of things (I think, if you believe in 'love languages' that's hers, showering with gifts. I don't want gifts although they're lovely I'd rather have more 'attention' if you will? She does work fulltime and contributes/pays board. Nowhere near as much as rent would be and she's not in a position to buy.
@vicelikeblip her dad is a bit of arse, generally and treats her Mother awfully. I don't think it was a big deal her moving back in-I think she just asked her Mum, Mum said yes and told dad and no further discussion. Another (20 year old) family member lives there too. I definitely think that-her Dad is a certain breed! Definitely wouldn't talk to me like that if I were a man.
No, I don't think she's saving as in saving up, just wanted more money to herself each month and as her parent's place was an option she thought 'why not?'. She is looking to move out though. But as we've been together a while I was thinking perhaps she should move to be with me. I am doubtful for many reasons including many that have been highlighted on this thread.
@namegoeshere I won't be signing anything over to her
@forrestgreen no, she's never been with a man and lived with her ex girlfriend for years, had another LTR before that, I don't know beyond that.
@alisae I was surprised at the 'weak character' elements I saw in her. She's the more masculine of us by a long stretch and has always perpetuated her protective nature, always seemed to know her own mind and has stuck up to her father on many an occasion before. I didn't feel intimidated, and I held my own, but I did expect her to be more forthright with him when it happened.
@thingsdogetbetter maybe they didn't :(
Yes she buys her own food and pays board (I don't know how much). I'm a woman ,sorry I didn't specify.
They're very used to her sleeping in all day though-do you think they'd expect me to come down and sit with them/do things with them while she sleeps? I think that would be more uncomfortable for them as they don't know me well?
She hadn't lived with her parents for a long time before this. Before living alone she lived with her ex for a long time. I think the youngest child her ex had was a baby and is now 7 or thereabouts.
Yes she contributes and does more than me while she's here-will do me favours in the house. I pay for her food while she's here usually or most of it, but she buys me food when I stay there too. I usually end up taking most of it home as she buys so much of it!
I have thought about the financial and housework split yes. I don't think I'd expect her to contribute to my mortgage as she doesn't benefit from that, I think I'd just want a flat payment toward bills/expenses, and for her to save so we can eventually buy somewhere larger without me having to foot the deposit.
@mooster yes she will have to leave her job, but she works for a large company and could quite likely transfer. She's qualified to do a lot of things that would mean it wouldn't be that difficult for her to get a different job in a different field, so that's not too much of a worry.
I am worried about what'll happen if it doesn't work out-mostly that I don't want her uprooting her life and then having to start again :(
@thingsdogetbetter if you looked at both of us we're classing masculine/feminine lesbians and I am the latter!
I hadn't asked her about the hotel idea @eddielizzard when I began this thread. I just thought, it would be MY idea because of MY reluctance to stay where she thinks is fine, so why should she pay?
Anyway. I messaged her today and suggested it. I said her Dad obviously didn't want me there, and a hotel would resolve the issue of me feeling awkward while she sleeps in. She said it was fine and apologised again for her Dad's behavior. As suspected, she said she didn't think he didn't want me there, just that he's horrible when he's drunk. I said I was uncomfortable being cooped up in her room if she's asleep. I also mentioned a time when I was quite poorly in the middle of the night, and if we were here I'd have gone to have a shower, gone to get a drink etc. but I didn't want to because It's someone else's house.
She says she wouldn't expect me to stay there again and was fine with being in a hotel. And that this was 'all the more reason for her to get her own place'. I guess It's not so easy though.
I moved out when I was 16 and have never been back. It's a different world.