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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
beetr00 · 26/02/2022 20:30

@BearOfEasttown

I also said

I do agree with others though that I, personally, would have assumed both flight and accommodation were included in your gift. (obvs not passport renewal and spends)

Lulu1919 · 26/02/2022 20:31

I've done a night way for a friend ....I paid for hotel and breakfast and drove
Dinner we split but I paid for the drinks
She bought us lunch

I think if you've gone from uk break to somewhere a flight was needed...a convo should have been had !!
Passports...vaccinations etc etc all need to be thought about these days

TheSnowyOwl · 26/02/2022 20:31

@CecilyTheWake

Absolutely ridiculous pile-on of the OP and just goes to show how hard of thinking MN is.

It’s blatantly obvious that there was a miscommunication but I bet this thread reaches 500+ posts with idiots thinking the OP should have paid for everything and getting increasingly over-reaching. What next, the OP should pay her friend’s mortgage for the week too?

You’re the one being ridiculous.
Teach234 · 26/02/2022 20:33

I think you know you were being unreasonable by booking your flight and not hers in the first place. I've never been away with friends and booked flights separately one of us books and pays another back. On this occasion you did say you were taking her away

TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 20:35

It wouldn’t even occur to me to expect someone to pay for my flights!

It’s very nice of them to offer to pay for my hotel.

Itsnotover · 26/02/2022 20:36

Yes, I can see why she will have expected you to cover the whole trip because you weren't clear with her about what you were prepared to pay for. Also, it was your idea to go abroad. You can't expect people to know exactly what you were thinking.

You'll have to pay for the flight I think.

TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 20:37

How many posters on this thread have actually ever taken a friend way for a landmark birthday and paid for everything?

It sounds all very ‘grabby’ and ‘entitled’ (2 MN favs) to think a mate would bankroll everything.

AppleJane · 26/02/2022 20:38

I feel so sorry for your friend but this does sound like a reverse. I mean the clues are all there in your OP if this is for real!

Donson · 26/02/2022 20:38

YABU. If you say ‘I’m taking you away for the weekend’ I would definitely assume you’re paying for the flights, especially as you suggested the destination.

Flickflak · 26/02/2022 20:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 20:39

@Donson

YABU. If you say ‘I’m taking you away for the weekend’ I would definitely assume you’re paying for the flights, especially as you suggested the destination.
The wording doesn’t really signify - anyone with intelligence would clarify rather than assuming.
Itsnotover · 26/02/2022 20:40

@TatianaBis

How many posters on this thread have actually ever taken a friend way for a landmark birthday and paid for everything?

It sounds all very ‘grabby’ and ‘entitled’ (2 MN favs) to think a mate would bankroll everything.

It sounds like the nature of this friendship is that they do things like this for each other.
BearOfEasttown · 26/02/2022 20:40

@TatianaBis

How many posters on this thread have actually ever taken a friend way for a landmark birthday and paid for everything?

It sounds all very ‘grabby’ and ‘entitled’ (2 MN favs) to think a mate would bankroll everything.

Who said the OP should bankroll everything? Confused WTF are you on about? Hmm
BellaVita · 26/02/2022 20:40

If you told me you were taking me away I would assume you were paying for hotel and travel. I would expect to take my own spending money.

Travis1 · 26/02/2022 20:41

Yup YABU I took my cousin to Rome for a big birthday. Covered everything other than spending money. No idea why you would think otherwise and I feel so sorry for your friend

BearOfEasttown · 26/02/2022 20:42

@BellaVita

If you told me you were taking me away I would assume you were paying for hotel and travel. I would expect to take my own spending money.
Exactly. Only someone with less than average intelligence would think the travel was excluded.
TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 20:42

Who said the OP should bankroll everything? confused WTF are you on about?

For those at the back: hotel + flights.

ButtockUp · 26/02/2022 20:42

If you say that you're actually taking someone away for a jolly , then you're paying for it.

If I were to offer my friend a weekend away to Bordeaux, I'd pay for the flights, accommodation and meals. I would expect my friend to pay for her own fripperies.

TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 20:43

It sounds like the nature of this friendship is that they do things like this for each other.

Can’t tell from this story. Doesn’t sound like they do given misunderstanding.

BearOfEasttown · 26/02/2022 20:45

@TatianaBis

Who said the OP should bankroll everything? confused WTF are you on about?

For those at the back: hotel + flights.

That's not bankrolling everything FFS. Do keep up. Are you normally this obtuse?
85sarah2004 · 26/02/2022 20:45

Major communication error - on both sides. You BOTH should have clarified before anything was arranged.

Also, I don't think I'd sounds like she's angling for you to pay for her flight, I think she's just saying she's genuinely struggling and can't afford it. if she genuinely can't, fair enough, maybe she thinks you can cancel and get a refund? I'd be annoyed to be out of pocket too, but perhaps put it down to a lesson learned in communication? I'm presuming you can't afford to pay for her otherwise you wouldn't be writing on here.

NuffSaidSam · 26/02/2022 20:45

@TatianaBis

How many posters on this thread have actually ever taken a friend way for a landmark birthday and paid for everything?

It sounds all very ‘grabby’ and ‘entitled’ (2 MN favs) to think a mate would bankroll everything.

I haven't.

But I've also never said 'I'll take you away for the weekend' to a friend on their birthday.

The OP offered up this expensive gift and then partially withdrew it leaving her friend with a bill she couldn't pay.

I would never expect anyone to buy me a car, for example, but if someone said 'I'll buy you a car'...I would then expect them to buy me a car. Because that's what they said they would do.

It's quite simple really.

Colouringaddict · 26/02/2022 20:46

I think it was all a misunderstanding, doesn’t make you a shit friend at all.

Before you book flights, just check that she is happy to go, nothing worse than being away and having to count every penny

TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 20:47

That's not bankrolling everything FFS. Do keep up. Are you normally this obtuse?

You’re clearly always obtusely literal. Wink

UnsuitableHat · 26/02/2022 20:49

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable exactly, but it sounds like miscommunication- what was being offered should have been clarified at the outset. If a friend offered to take me away for the weekend I’d check what they were offering to pay for. And if taking someone away I’d make sure they were ok with whatever I wasn’t paying for.