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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 20:51

I would never expect anyone to buy me a car, for example, but if someone said 'I'll buy you a car'...I would then expect them to buy me a car. Because that's what they said they would do.

‘Take’ is open to interpretation in a way that ‘buy’ is not.

However, even ‘buy’ needs clarification - all of it? Part? New? Second hand?

As someone who has been bought a car, you don’t just say ‘alright thanks.’

TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 20:52

@UnsuitableHat

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable exactly, but it sounds like miscommunication- what was being offered should have been clarified at the outset. If a friend offered to take me away for the weekend I’d check what they were offering to pay for. And if taking someone away I’d make sure they were ok with whatever I wasn’t paying for.
Exactly.

Any sensible person would clarify.

willstarttomorrow · 26/02/2022 20:53

Even if I was originally paying for a flight for a friend (or even a crap bnb in the UK) I would have checked with person joining me that the details were ok and fitted in. This is something an 18 year old me would do, certainly not several years later having learnt compromise, even when being a gift giver. I know you are going to now pay for flights but there is no way I would book something like this without checking first. I am guessing the flight from your local airport cost a lot less.
Lots of people are really struggling financially and the cost of a new passport and then the added anxiety of spends whilst away will be enough for lots of people to question if they can afford it. I have a Eurocamp type break moved from last year and now taking a friend of DD. We are paying for flights and accommodation but have made it very clear it will be bbq and relax onsite so minimum spending money.

Ballcactus · 26/02/2022 21:01

Yep, this is on you sorry. I think her reply is really considerate and from a permanent skint person- telling someone you can’t afford something so will have to miss out sucks- big time- so I’m with her

Heytheredemons · 26/02/2022 21:03

Yep, definitely you, that is unreasonable. You don't offer someone a gift and then tell them to pay themselves for that gift; you are only doing the booking.
You are as checking as the stepdaughter of the poster a few weeks ago whose gift was that she'd booked her an afternoon tea; all the OP had to do was pay for it. 🤣🤣
Whi knew there were multiple people who thought this was how gifts work 🙄

KaptainKaveman · 26/02/2022 21:04

You have to give her £500 spending money as well OP .

Thisismyusernamefornow · 26/02/2022 21:04

If somebody told me they were taking me away, I would assume flights too.

Ihaveroyallyscrewedup · 26/02/2022 21:06

@TatianaBis

How many posters on this thread have actually ever taken a friend way for a landmark birthday and paid for everything?

It sounds all very ‘grabby’ and ‘entitled’ (2 MN favs) to think a mate would bankroll everything.

I have more than once, I’ve taken someone, been taken by someone and a few times going in a group for a birthday where the group have covered the birthday persons costs.
SouperNoodle · 26/02/2022 21:10

@TatianaBis

How many posters on this thread have actually ever taken a friend way for a landmark birthday and paid for everything?

It sounds all very ‘grabby’ and ‘entitled’ (2 MN favs) to think a mate would bankroll everything.

Me! For my best friend's 25th I took her to Disney world for 2 weeks. I paid for everything except one meal which she paid for and her spends.
MissM2912 · 26/02/2022 21:14

It sounds like she really can’t afford it.

Cherrysherbet · 26/02/2022 21:15

Yep, I’d think you were paying. That’s very misleading op.

BoredZelda · 26/02/2022 21:15

Similar to the other thread where GF said she was taking BF away then complained he never paid for anything she she was now skint. If you make this offer, there is no expectation for someone else to pay.

TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 21:15

I hope it wasn’t a surprise, I’d pay good money to avoid Disney world.

Coconuttts · 26/02/2022 21:24

Some people go massive (huge weekend breaks, flights, etc.) and Some are more £50 gift voucher territory...I think your expectations are misaligned.

Oimyerda · 26/02/2022 21:24

You've been completely unreasonable. You offered to take her away. That means you pay flights or travel plus hotel. If you can't afford it then you shouldn't have offered.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 26/02/2022 21:31

@BoredZelda

Similar to the other thread where GF said she was taking BF away then complained he never paid for anything she she was now skint. If you make this offer, there is no expectation for someone else to pay.
Was that not the on where the boys parents said they would treat him for his birthday, but then didnt pay anything for him and the gf had to pay for it all when she had made it clear she could only afford to pay for herself and she ended up leaving early because the bf kept taking her money?
winterchills · 26/02/2022 21:32

I would have assumed you were paying for my flights if you said you were taking me away? I feel sorry for her tbh as she's probably feeling so awkward!

CecilyTheWake · 26/02/2022 21:37

@KaptainKaveman

You have to give her £500 spending money as well OP .
Absolutely this. The MN mob won’t be happy until the OP has paid for the flights, all the spending money including meals in a couple of * restaurants, flowers for the next six months, chocolates for I dunno, ever probably, and the OP must prostrate herself in front of an altar (preferably a prickly one) somewhere to atone for accidentally thinking she didn’t need to pay for a £60 flight.
Strokethefurrywall · 26/02/2022 21:47

If I say I’m going to take a friend away for their birthday, I mean I’m paying for flights and accommodation- spending money is their business but I would cover all over costs.

Beautiful3 · 26/02/2022 21:48

To me, it sounded like you were paying for the flights too. Sorry.

Liveandkicking · 26/02/2022 21:51

@sparklefarts

Er yeah if someone said they were taking me away I'd expect to be taken away...including flights.

This is on you. Big time.

Yeah
Liveandkicking · 26/02/2022 21:55

@TatianaBis

I would never expect anyone to buy me a car, for example, but if someone said 'I'll buy you a car'...I would then expect them to buy me a car. Because that's what they said they would do.

‘Take’ is open to interpretation in a way that ‘buy’ is not.

However, even ‘buy’ needs clarification - all of it? Part? New? Second hand?

As someone who has been bought a car, you don’t just say ‘alright thanks.’

For the car example… it’s more like OP has said I’ll get you a car, then they discussed a second hand car and the. oP said hey I’ve been thinking I should switch that for a brand new car, what do you think? Then birthday person says wow, that’s sounds amazing and OP says oh I was imagining you would pay for half the car actually and is then offended when the birthday person says oh… well I’m sorry I can’t, can we stick with the second hand car please?
SouperNoodle · 26/02/2022 21:56

@TatianaBis

I hope it wasn’t a surprise, I’d pay good money to avoid Disney world.
You sound like a delight Hmm She was desperate to go so I took her and thankfully unlike you, she wasn't a miserable cow Smile
saraclara · 26/02/2022 22:01

What other interpretation of "I'll take you to..." is there? If the OP wasn't paying, she'd say "let's go to (city) and the accommodation is on me"

Travelling with her at her own cost isn't 'taking her'. You 'take someone' and you're either driving them or funding their travel yourself.

OchreDandelion · 26/02/2022 22:02

So sorry for both of you!

Can totally understand how the miscommunication occurred. But yes, like your friend I would have assumed "take" included flights.