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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
OchreDandelion · 26/02/2022 22:05

How many posters on this thread have actually ever taken a friend way for a landmark birthday and paid for everything?

Never. But if I said I would "take" them away, I would mean flights.

Momicrone · 26/02/2022 22:11

I would think take means hotel

Mellowyellow222 · 26/02/2022 22:12

@TatianaBis

It wouldn’t even occur to me to expect someone to pay for my flights!

It’s very nice of them to offer to pay for my hotel.

If someone offered me a holiday for my birthday I would assume the flights would be included.

I took my sister to Paris for her fortieth. I paid for hotel and flights. Would not have dreamed of asking her to pay for her own flight. That would be rude.

You can’t make a grand, generous gesture and then take half of it away.

sherbetmelon · 26/02/2022 22:13

YABU. Your poor friend she must have felt so embarrassed writing that message.

Hollywolly1 · 26/02/2022 22:20

She simply cannot afford to pay for flights and she explained it very well,she was embarrassed writing the message id say.I suppose you are disappointed understandably so but if you can afford it just pay for her flight and have a beautiful time,maybe sometime you will need to visit her for a few days or weeks if you need some support for something, no one knows whats around the corner

Cissyandflora · 26/02/2022 22:30

@2pinkginsplease

I can see how she misconstrued what was said however I would never allow my friend to pay for me to go away for the weekend for my birthday. It’s far too much money and basically taking the piss.
I agree completely. I would never allow anyone to spend money on me like this. But I’m extremely independent. It’s too much as a gift but you offered it and she accepted. You can’t do much now except go alone and take a couple of books with you.
Jojibear · 26/02/2022 22:30

I have some sympathy for you both @scenesfromamarriage

I think if I was your friend I would have checked exactly what your offer was before agreeing as I would be reluctant to let a friend pay for everything inc flights, even if they offered. And probably would have suggested a UK weekend whether you were buying flights or not as I wouldn't want to take advantage.

But equally, if I were you, I'd have been crystal clear about what the offer entailed before making plans and paying for anything.

A miscommunication and hopefully you will resolve it and have a lovely time, even if you're now paying for the flights!

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2022 22:30

@TatianaBis

It wouldn’t even occur to me to expect someone to pay for my flights!

It’s very nice of them to offer to pay for my hotel.

But it's like someone saying they'll buy you a boom fro your birthday, then saying well obviously I'm not paying the postage for it. You need to do that.

I wouldn't expect anyone to take me on holiday but op said she'd TAKE her and then suggested a foreign city. Perhaps friend should have done the "oh no, I don't think I can afford flights" and then OP could have said OK let's go to London instead or don't be silly, I said I'd take you.

MysteriousMonkey · 26/02/2022 22:37

I was going to say YABU but I see you've realised that. Have a nice time.

LaChanticleer · 26/02/2022 22:40

Depending on how you phrased the invitation, I’d assume you were paying for flights. From the way you phrase your OP, you went ahead and chanted the arrangements you send she had agreed, without consulting her. And then expect her to fork out a couple of hundred pounds in order to enjoy her birthday treat?

Sorry, but YABU.

Canyouhearmehello · 26/02/2022 22:40

5OchreDandelion
I paid for a weekend for me and my friend to Amsterdam after we graduated from Uni, I gave her money for money for spends because I know she would have been beyond embarrassed not having a penny to spend. We had a great time and it was not her birthday so please don't assume friends do not treat friends

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/02/2022 22:40

I can see where she is coming from. The error is on your part I'm afraid.

FlasherMcGruff · 26/02/2022 22:47

I have to say, if a friend said they were taking me away for the weekend I wouldn’t assume they’d be generous enough to pay for everything for me, both hotels and flights and presumably meals etc, so I’d have asked what this intended gift included rather than assumed. Obviously, I’m in a minority. I just can’t imagine a friend paying for such an expensive trip as a gift!

saraclara · 26/02/2022 22:53

I'm taking a friend on a trip this year. I offered it a few years ago for a specific reason, but of course stuff got in the way. Hopefully, we'll be doing it soon. I'll be paying the flights and the accommodation. Of course I will. We'll share eating out costs as we always do. Their spending money is obviously down to them, but it's a country where things are very inexpensive.

TatianaBis · 26/02/2022 22:56

@Mellowyellow222

Well I wouldn’t assume anything and would clarify.

It’s not a question of taking something away, but of offering something with one thing in mind while the other person interprets it another way.

Xmasbaby11 · 26/02/2022 22:58

What a shame. I think you should have made it clear what you were offering, and she should have asked, but innocent mistakes in both cases.

You sound like good friends and you will get through it.

LimeSupper · 26/02/2022 23:00

Your poor friend, I bet she’s mortified. You’ve really embarrassed her OP.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/02/2022 23:00

I really feel for you because I have a dear friend who finds herself in your sort of position all the time. Not exactly the same but she makes generous suggestions which are misunderstood.

Do you mean that people underestimate her generosity - i.e. think that she can't mean what she is actually offering; or do you mean that she makes generous-sounding suggestions in such a way that people think she's offering a lot more than she actually is?

To be fair, even the cost of the passport is a considerable amount to find for somebody in the circumstances that OP's friend describes. Yes, she knew she'd need it (although she probably didn't know/check the expiry date before accepting the suggestion - who does?), it will last her 10 years and nobody would ever suggest that she shouldn't pay for that herself; BUT it's a considerable cost that could otherwise have been delayed indefinitely until times are less tight, had OP not suggested going abroad.

I may well be wrong, but I think the friend assumed she was having her flights and accommodation paid for - as most of us agree is denoted by 'I'll take you to X' - and figured that she could stretch to meals and spending money. Then, she realised that her passport would need to be renewed, gulped at the unexpected £75 and started to worry a bit, but thought, "oh, well, I said I'd go - and at least the flights and accommodation are paid for" and hoped she'd be able to find the £75 somewhere. Then, when she realised that she was only being gifted half of a hotel room and then being 'allowed' to pay for the whole rest of a holiday was her 'present', she realised that it was completely out of the question in her current parlous situation and, feeling mortified, apologetically bowed out of it.

However well intended, it's never a kind idea to 'offer' somebody a present that will cost them a significant sum to be able to use it, unless you're certain that they can comfortably afford it - and will be happy to spend whatever it takes to make up the difference.

collieresponder88 · 26/02/2022 23:00

You don't gift someone a trip away without paying the flight ! The hotels the cheap part I'd be furious with you tbh what a shit present it's going to cost her a fortune just to go

EezyOozy · 26/02/2022 23:03

YABVU op, I feel sorry for your friend .
She is obviously embarrassed! Of course she thought the flights were included!!

EezyOozy · 26/02/2022 23:05

However well intended, it's never a kind idea to 'offer' somebody a present that will cost them a significant sum to be able to use it

^ this

AmIbeingTreasonable · 26/02/2022 23:07

YABVVU

Namechangeroo1234 · 26/02/2022 23:09

It's a bit like when dh says 'I'll treat you to dinner out for your birthday' and I have to book it, organise child care and they're sorted blah blah. And it's not really a night off as you have to organise it all!!

If some says they're going to treat you.....it's the whole thing, otherwise be clear or it's not worth it.

SoupDragon · 26/02/2022 23:09

@AmIbeingTreasonable

YABVVU
Even though she said she was paying for the flights 4 hours ago?
CharlotteRose90 · 26/02/2022 23:13

You literally said you would take her away for a weekend. The. Suggested a place and she said yes. That means you pay for flight and hotel sorry. Your gift you pay