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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
CecilyTheWake · 26/02/2022 19:59

Absolutely ridiculous pile-on of the OP and just goes to show how hard of thinking MN is.

It’s blatantly obvious that there was a miscommunication but I bet this thread reaches 500+ posts with idiots thinking the OP should have paid for everything and getting increasingly over-reaching. What next, the OP should pay her friend’s mortgage for the week too?

coatofsomanycolours · 26/02/2022 20:00

YABU

saraclara · 26/02/2022 20:00

A gift that requires the recipient to spend a chunk of their own money isn’t a gift.

Exactly. And the offer to "take" her away of course means that you're doing the taking (paying for the transport) not that you're travelling alongside her.

Her reply was so tactful and gentle. She must have agonised over what to do and say to you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/02/2022 20:01

“Take her away”‘definitely includes flights on the natural reading of those words

bellabasset · 26/02/2022 20:01

I can see how it could have been misunderstood if you used the words taking her away for a weekend. But it sounds as though it's all sorted now.

Tilltheend99 · 26/02/2022 20:01

If you were gifting her a holiday I would assume travel was part of that unless you specifically said so at the outset. Is it a friendship or an ITV call in competition that you need to read the t&cs on?

FoodieToo · 26/02/2022 20:03

Feel really bad for you, OP. People have been so horrible.

I agree you have to pay for the flights if you ask someone away but it's an EXTREMELY generous gift. Both you and your friend sound lovely . It's a gift that could cost anything from 200 to 400 euro .

To be honest if I were your friend I would be embarrassed by such an expensive gift and would not ask if you were paying for my flights too. I would have just bowed out gracefully and said thanks but I could not afford a trip away . It seems quite greedy to ask you to pay ( when you didn't say this was your intentions ) unless your friend is really in dire financial straits.

I hope it all works out and you have a lovely time !

BearOfEasttown · 26/02/2022 20:04

@CecilyTheWake

Absolutely ridiculous pile-on of the OP and just goes to show how hard of thinking MN is.

It’s blatantly obvious that there was a miscommunication but I bet this thread reaches 500+ posts with idiots thinking the OP should have paid for everything and getting increasingly over-reaching. What next, the OP should pay her friend’s mortgage for the week too?

Congratulations. Smile You win the most OTT, histrionic, drama-queen post of the thread so far. Woo hoo. GO YOU! Grin Have this medal!
To not pay for my friends flights?
Lilac57 · 26/02/2022 20:05

Paying all the costs associated with a gift is hardly the same as paying the friends mortgage. If a friend of mine offered to take me away for a weekend, I'd be making sure I knew that they were paying for everything before accepting, as multiple meals out etc would be something that I just don't have the budget for. Maybe her friend is in a similar situation. If it's a gift, it shouldn't cost the friend anything. If the OP can't afford to pay for the gift in full, she should give a different gift. I'd be really hacked off if a friend booked me a gift that I had to contribute to financially, and like the OP's friend, I'd just decline the offer.

curlii103 · 26/02/2022 20:06

Misunderstanding and her message is so polite i dont think either of you are unreasonable. Im not sure what i would have expected. However 91 is not that much in the grand schene of a holiday so was it really the difference in not going at all and you probably want to have a spending money conversation!

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/02/2022 20:08

@CecilyTheWake

Absolutely ridiculous pile-on of the OP and just goes to show how hard of thinking MN is.

It’s blatantly obvious that there was a miscommunication but I bet this thread reaches 500+ posts with idiots thinking the OP should have paid for everything and getting increasingly over-reaching. What next, the OP should pay her friend’s mortgage for the week too?

Now who's being ridiculous?

The vast majority agreed that the cost of being "taken away" should include flights, especially as the trip abroad was suggested by the OP.

I can only remember 2 or maybe 3 posts that said it should also include all meals out/spends.......which I personally dont think the OP should be expected to cover and it sounds like her friend is expecting to cover her side of that.

BurntO · 26/02/2022 20:08

Uh that’s so awkward OP but I can 100% see why she would think that! I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting someone pay for my transport in this scenario but we’re all different and your message did imply you were covering the cost of the trip…

huuskymam · 26/02/2022 20:11

Yabu. You offered to take her away for her birthday, you suggested a city which you need a flight to and is expensive. Unless you discussed her paying for her own flight, I would expect you to pay the flight as well as hotel.

LittleMissMe99 · 26/02/2022 20:11

Ahh yes I would assume you meant you were paying for flights too. I think it's just a miscommunication really, but in this case YABU. I hope you both have a lovely time if you decide to go

44PumpLane · 26/02/2022 20:12

Have read the update that you're going to pay the flights.....good, as I also agree that YABU.

"I'm talking you away for your big birthday, let's go to X" means you're paying to get there and the hotel and transfers. If I said that to a friend I'd be paying for all the above but would specifically detail whether I was paying for meals too....of probably say I'd take them out for a dinner but ask if it's okay to go halves on other meals.

beetr00 · 26/02/2022 20:13

@scenesfromamarriage
Please don't feel bad.

This is totally a miscommunication error.

I do agree with others though that I, personally, would have assumed both flight and accommodation were included in your gift. (obvs not passport renewal and spends)

She has been hugely gracious, I think, with her apology, in now declining your offer.

IF, you would feel, at all, resentful by also now paying for both her flight plus accommodation, then I would suggest you could be as gracious as she by apologising for the miscommunication.

You sound like, and describe yourselves as, very good friends.

Don't let this come between you, perhaps, re-organise, as a pp mentioned, to somewhere special, to you both, within the UK and the budget you had set in your mind?

NuffSaidSam · 26/02/2022 20:13

@CecilyTheWake

Absolutely ridiculous pile-on of the OP and just goes to show how hard of thinking MN is.

It’s blatantly obvious that there was a miscommunication but I bet this thread reaches 500+ posts with idiots thinking the OP should have paid for everything and getting increasingly over-reaching. What next, the OP should pay her friend’s mortgage for the week too?

😂 It's like you're reading a different thread.
Ihaveroyallyscrewedup · 26/02/2022 20:14

In my circle saying you will take someone away means transport, accommodation, meals and if it’s a specific event like the theatre or concert it means the tickets too, it’s entirely different from saying “I want to go to x, do you, shall we go together” which means let’s go and split the costs.
Your friend is probably extremely embarrassed and upset so you should apologise for the misunderstanding but talk to her before you book a flight because I suspect this is now soured and she would be too embarrassed to accept.

katepilar · 26/02/2022 20:14

Sounds that it has been not very well handled communication-wise.

GrandTheftWalrus · 26/02/2022 20:14

I called her a mean friend as she said the friends birthday gift was to be taken away for a weekend. She then suggested an expensive city and wanted friend to pay flights. So that's not taking her away. That's being mean.

However I now see she's offering to pay for the flights. Hopefully now the friend can afford to go and enjoy her gift.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/02/2022 20:16

@Hoppinggreen

If you “take someone away” to a place that involves a flight then it’s perfectly reasonable to assume you are paying for the flights
YABU
BearOfEasttown · 26/02/2022 20:21

@beetr00

@scenesfromamarriage

Please don't feel bad.

This is totally a miscommunication error.

How is it a miscommunication error? OP said she would take her friend away for a weekend. No miscommunication occurred. The friend naturally assumed (as anyone would) that the flight would be included!

If a friend or partner said to me they are taking me away for the weekend to somewhere, and then asked me to pay for my own flight, I would be gobsmacked. Not really them taking me away then is it?! Hmm

WouldIwasShookspeared · 26/02/2022 20:26

YABU sorry
You offered to take her away. As a gift. It is perfectly reasonable of her to assume that means you are taking her away aka paying for flights and accommodation.

SD1978 · 26/02/2022 20:28

Har done, it was all your idea, you were taking her away- it's not unreasonable to assume you meant the flights too. Really should have been specified that you didn't in advance, as some (lots) of people can't just afford a flight with no real planning

Chloemol · 26/02/2022 20:29

Sorry but I would have assumed fro what you said that you would be paying
You said you would take her away for the weekend and suggested the city

So it’s on you,

I did this for my friend, I paid for flights and hotel and most meals