Adult DC ended up in hospital after night out...AIBU?

[Athenea]

DC (early 20s) went out this week. Didn't come home - which isn't unusual, sometimes crashes at a mates house.

In the morning I get a call from DC, who's in hospital. No idea how they got there, last memory is being in the pub very drunk around 11.30pm, then woke up/ came to in hospital around 5am. Lost their phone (a member of staff kindly allowed them to use their device to call me).

DC eventually made it back from the hospital about 10.30am. Spent most of the day sleeping. Fine now except clearly fell over as cuts and bruises on their face (looks like they've faceplanted something rather than been assaulted or in a fight thankfully). And financially worse off as lost their phone and now have to replace it.

Since lockdown DC has been out a few times and come home in a state but never anything as bad as this.

My partner thinks I should take a firm line and that this is really worrying behaviour, DC clearly doesn't know their limits with alcohol and this is dangerous. At the same time I've got other family saying well it's what young people do...and DC's friends in their group chat are all 'typical you' 'you're such a liability 🤦‍♀️😊' etc. I have explained to DC how upset I was they ended up in hospital - when I got the call in the morning I was nearly sick it made me so anxious - but I don't want to go overboard. I do think it's given DC a wake up call anyway, and I don't want to make it worse.

AIBU not to read the riot act? Or how would you deal with it?

@Frazzled50yrold

I used to volunteer in a night-time SOS bus and we'd have dealt with at least 10 young people like this every night. Young people who urinated and defecated on themselves and were hugely at risk of assault and all sorts of dangers. I'd really recommend volunteering on that type of project, it was eye opening.We had quite a few young volunteers and they learnt so much from the experience.

It’s interesting you say that.

As a young adult, I have a few times been left looking after others who badly drink when I wasn’t myself. It was awful tbh. The worry about them, seeing them unwell (because of course, they were feeling crap, sorry for themselves, sad etc…) It has left me with a clear wish to NEVER be as drunk as that.

I have a friend who, years ago, I took to and from a party that we both attended. As designated driver, I of course wasn't drinking - but she was.
I took her home afterwards, left her at her gate and went home. Next morning, I got a phonecall from her mother asking me to go round.

Friend had several cuts and bruises on her face, looked like she'd been beaten up - her mother asked me who had done this to her?
I said she was fine when I dropped her off (she was!)

Turned out she'd almost certainly faceplanted on the path going up to her front door, not realised, gone to bed and woken up next morning looking awful - and she had zero recollection of that happening! One of her knees was hurt too, which helped us work out what was the most likely scenario.

After this, she realised she had a drinking problem and went to the GP, who told her that, while she wasn't yet an alcoholic, if she carried on that way she might become one. She cut back on her drinking and, to my knowledge, has never been in such a state since.

@thistimelastweek

I'm wondering if OP's DC is a young woman and if the advice might differ if she were.

Yes , the OP is being very non-comitital on the sex of the DC but I see that only a few threads in posters have decided its a "He"

Young woman : OMG must;ve been spiked , did they get a blood test ? Phone police ?
Young Man: Wanker , what an arse . Bill him for the phone and teach him about alcohol, respect and obviously never shag someone drunk as you cannot rely on being sober enough to ask consent .

I used to do this in my teens and early 20s. I had mental health problems and didn't know how to stop drinking on a night out, I just wanted to drink until I didn't remember. Ended up in hospital one night too and didn't even know I'd been there, I have no recollection of it and I collapsed in the street. I think on that occassion I may well have been spiked as I remember what I drank and it wasn't much, but the others were just blackout drinking.

Remember your boundaries too OP, it sounds like you are crossing them by reading their group chats. Just because they your child doesn't mean you can invade their privacy. You need a chat with your DC but not one that is inflammatory or giving ultimatums etc, but one from a place of concern and understanding. It's fine to ask them outright if their mental health is a problem etc. They might not open up but youve done what you can by asking.

So they were fine at 11:30 and friend confirms that. Then they remember nothing and ended up in hospital. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone spiked their drink after their friend left for the toilet. I wouldn’t come down hard on them. I would explain safety risks of getting into a state, and also tell them to keep their drinks close just in case.

I had a period of a binge drinking problem in my early 20s after a bad breakup of a long relationship. Was living away from home so parents were unaware. No injuries or assaults, was lucky.

Several friends spoke to me frankly about their concerns for my safety and health.

It did get through, and I cut right back.

Many people of that age know THAT they shouldn't get into that state, but don't necessarily know HOW. Shame and disapproval are emotional –and completely unhelpful, especially when there's no practical guidance to support.

Breaking down some strategies for noticing what their body feels like at different stages of intoxication can be helpful, as well as thinking about what they're actually doing over the course of a night that gets them into that state.

Do they feel more confident when they have a glass in their hand because it gives them something to do other than straight conversation –taking a sip gives them a momentary break in the flow? Could they replace that with something different to do?

Do they feel embarrassed by drinking water in between alcoholic drinks?

Do they know what their 'tipping point' feels like, and do they know what to do to stay in the 'happy' zone instead of charging through it?

Do they have a friend who drinks 'normally' that they could try 'matching' drink for drink on a night out, rather than charging ahead?

Get practical –nobody teaches kids how to drink, and then they get blasted when they get it wrong...

I'd be tempted to have a very serious conversation about the dangers and use of NHS resources, so you're sure it's sunk in, but then give the benefit of the doubt for now, unless this is or becomes a regular occurrence.

I was in my 30s when one night a fairly normal amount to drink hit me in a different way and I lost all memory for several hours, came to my senses miles from home in a shopping area about 4am, having presumably been dropped there by a taxi when it transpired I had no cash, no handbag and presumably no idea where I lived, so no means to pay or place to be taken. He could have dropped me at the police station or hospital instead of in the street but that's beside the point.

I had definitely not been spiked that night, and some of the story was only pieced together afterwards (we only knew I'd got a taxi as someone I know had seen me in the queue). My handbag was still in the restaurant. I was incredibly lucky that nothing worse than very hurt pride, a good scare and bashed up knees from falling over befell me.

It had never happened before, nor has it since. A complete fluke.

I think they all do something similar once.
What rings alarm bells for me is this friends in their group chat are all 'typical you' 'you're such a liability 🤦‍♀️😊' etc

Both of my DC have had someone in their group (males and females) who never knows when to stop drinking and is a liability. They feel responsible when they are out with them as they are a danger to themselves and eventually friends avoid going out with them.

Agree with pp that iot's odd if he was fine at 11.30.
I would try and work out whether this really is a pattern rather than a one off and deal accordingly.

I think this is more dangerous if this is your daughter, given the risks of spiking etc, than if this is your son. However young drunk men get into fights, or can get assaulted and also are vulnerable to things like drowning ( take shortcut home along river or canal when drunk, pee into the water, fall in - this is not uncommon) . Or traffic accidents if he wonders into a road.
I have never been this drunk and nor has DH, but a few friends have . One female friend had a man attempting to pick her up when she was staggering home almost too drunk to walk. It is a very, very dangerous situation and she was shaken up and more careful after that. She was 19 at the time.

Are they female? It’s worth considering the possibility that they’ve been drugged. In all of my wild years of youthful excesses I’ve never blacked out and lost my memory except for the time I was drugged.

I'd be more worried about them then planning to read the riot act. There is absolutely loads of spiking going on for the purposes of either sexually assaulting or just mugging people at the moment. You're phone will open with Face ID whether you are conscious or not. Have they checked their bank accounts to see if anything is missing?

Years ago, drunks used to be put in a cell for the night to sober up, now they're taken to A & E. Pity it all changed.

@Createdjustforthis

Are they female? It’s worth considering the possibility that they’ve been drugged. In all of my wild years of youthful excesses I’ve never blacked out and lost my memory except for the time I was drugged.

Both men and women get spiked. But also this is my immediate thought!

@user1493494961

Years ago, drunks used to be put in a cell for the night to sober up, now they're taken to A & E. Pity it all changed.

not really...its not a job for the police and they can't be monitored in a cell like they can in a hospital.

I'm wondering if OP's DC is a young woman and if the advice might differ if she were.

My mistake, I automatically assumed male - even more need for a strong talking to if female. Getting so drunk that they wake up in hospital with no memory of how they got there as part of 'typical you' behaviour is wrong for either sex. If a drink was spiked, they have my sympathy, if they just drank too much as implied by the 'typical you', my preference is for a drunk bus where they're chucked in a cell, supervised to make sure they don't choke on their own vomit or otherwise injure themselves, and then be let out in the morning when they've come round, and presented with a hefy bill and sent home in their reeking clothing.

Tough stance? Yes, but I don't care, I grew up with an abusive father who drank too much and was violent towards us - on talking to old friends of his, he was the 'typical you' in his group. Pity no one stopped his drinking escalating..

They still do take drunks to the police station or get the police to drive them home so there will be a reason why OP's son was taken to hospital instead.
I'd be reading the riot act. It isn't usual to be so drunk you end up in hospital. Plus with the wandering off, it could easily have ended so much worse. He could have fallen in a river; been run over. This isn't 'teen antics'. It's serious and with the family history of alcoholism it's worrying. Let him sober up but then it's time for a talk about how dangerous it is.

They still do take drunks to the police station or get the police to drive them home so there will be a reason why OP's son was taken to hospital instead.

Considering they can't remember anything after 11:30 there's a good chance the fall they've had knocked them unconscious, to be fair.

They are in their 20s, not 14/15... you can't take a 'hard line' because they are an adult and you have zero say in how they live.

What are you planning on doing?
Grounding him?

If he lives at home as an adult and you don't like his behavior your option is to kick him out but beyond that, you don't have any right to control him.

Can the hospital not yell them how they were brought in?

OP, I didn't drink myself as a teenager/young adult, but this kind of behaviour was not uncommon when I was at university. Most nights out ended up with someone in an ambulance. Even then I used to think that they ought to be charged for wasting NHS time and resources.

Anyway, that aside: I think it must be quite difficult for you to have a 20something DC living at home (must be quite difficult for the DC, too). I have DC at university, and just try not to think about what they get up to. However, I can quite reasonably say that when they are here in the holidays, I expect them not to treat our home as a student house.

I think that if I had a 20+ yr old still living at home full time, I'd be encouraging them/helping them to move out and be independent, which would greatly reduce the question of whether to read them the Riot Act or not.

With the history of alcohol problems I would arrange some help and get to bottom of issues
Also friends were not looking out for them he could have been mugged or worse v vulnerable
Make them fundraise the unnecessarily cost to the nhs

We have someone in the extended family who ended up being arrested and spent time in prison on remand after being accused of being involved in an assault on a night out. He was so intoxicated he had absolutely no account to give (beyond a gut certainty he wouldn't have done it) but was luckily exonerated by CCTV footage in the end. He has never out himself in that position again and is practically dry.

For those saying it must have been a spiked drink that is absolutely not true. It is not in any way unusual for hospitals and emergency services to deal with people who are so drunk through alcohol alone they have little to no reliable recollection of events.

@LagunaBubbles

Can the hospital not yell them how they were brought in?

Exactly what I thought and if the OP's son or daughter had their drink spiked surely they would tell them as I imagine there must be certain signs.