Am I Mad...advice please!

[Dazedandconfusedm11]

:50Dazedandconfusedm11

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

Also, my m was 16 when I was born and worked all the way through my childhood. Me and my siblings never saw her, played games etc..not her fault that is what she had to do.

I will be mortgage free in a year, could go part time etc and am around every day for my child.

What do you all think?

I’m 50 , youngest DC is 11. I was just thinking last night how free I felt now and how awful it’d be to go back to having young DC .

I understand your desire for a sibling for your DC but I really wouldn’t. There is no guarantee that they will have a close bond. They may hate each other. They’d essentially be half siblings if you’re using a donor egg. If I’d already had a child of my own, I don’t think I’d feel desperate enough to want to have another woman’s child which again is essentially what you’d be doing. An unknown.

If you don’t want your child to be an only child, and with the comfortable position you are in, how about fostering? So many DC need someone to love them and give them a safe home.

Sorry you've had such a difficult journey

My advice is to get some counselling, not sure if there is specialist counselling to discuss fertility, conception, adoption etc? But it's clear from your posts that you are really struggling with the impact of your past experiences and current situation. I think counselling would help you to work through your feelings and make a decision.

Good luck

OP, I’m so sorry for your turmoil and sadness. You’ve had loads of good but conflicting advice here, which may have given you a broader perspective but I’m sure won’t have helped clarify your thoughts.

A couple of things I wanted to say - it sounds like you’re very close to your siblings, and although there may be a big age gap between your child and their cousins, it still means they have the support of an extended family and some of the shared history you’ve talked about.

And the last thing is what someone very wise said to me when I was deep in my own fertility issues (multiple miscarriages, time slipping away etc, in absolute despair and desperate to give DS a sibling): three is a family.

I genuinely understand the yearning for another child, but please don’t lose sight of the fact that you already have a family, and hopefully many precious years ahead with your existing child. This really changed my perspective, and made me see that my desperation was more about what I wanted, and that my son would be absolutely fine either way.

@ChinstrapBobblehat

OP, I’m so sorry for your turmoil and sadness. You’ve had loads of good but conflicting advice here, which may have given you a broader perspective but I’m sure won’t have helped clarify your thoughts.

A couple of things I wanted to say - it sounds like you’re very close to your siblings, and although there may be a big age gap between your child and their cousins, it still means they have the support of an extended family and some of the shared history you’ve talked about.

And the last thing is what someone very wise said to me when I was deep in my own fertility issues (multiple miscarriages, time slipping away etc, in absolute despair and desperate to give DS a sibling): three is a family.

I genuinely understand the yearning for another child, but please don’t lose sight of the fact that you already have a family, and hopefully many precious years ahead with your existing child. This really changed my perspective, and made me see that my desperation was more about what I wanted, and that my son would be absolutely fine either way.

Thank you.

I guess it just stabs you in the heart when your child constantly days 'why is there no other children in this house', 'can I have a brother/sister' etc....

I love my siblings so much and we get on so much..

I think what makes it hard is agree, I am too old to be a mum and I am a fool..but this is something I have dreamed off for years.

I feel and look great and every presumes I am early 40s..horrible getting old, hey

Just another perspective.
My friend is in a similar situation, although younger than you.
Her 8th IVF has finally worked, she is over the moon naturally. Just found out she is having twins.
Could you cope with possibly having 2 babies. Good luck whatever you decide.It must be difficult for you .

It is a blessing to reach 50.

It is a blessing to have a child, even and especially, if only one child has been allowed in a person's life due to various circumstances.

No specific advice as this is your decision, but just reminding you to Count Your Blessings OP.

@alwayslearning789

It is a blessing to reach 50.

It is a blessing to have a child, even and especially, if only one child has been allowed in a person's life due to various circumstances.

No specific advice as this is your decision, but just reminding you to Count Your Blessings OP.

I count my blessings every day..so I will ignore your comment.

This is agonising for me and to suggest I might be ungrateful, is quite hurtful.

Yep, agree, ageing is shit (but better than the alternative!).
The fact that late life fertility is now medically possible means many women now face the same agonising decision. Be kind to yourself, you’re not a fool x

I know for one reaching 50 is a blessing, my dad died at 25..but doesn't stop me from feeling what I do about having a 2nd child.

I have people tell me..isn't your child enough.ofviurse with all my heart but it doesn't work like that and is quite an emotive subject

I think you sound like an amazing mother, and no having another baby so your child will have a sibling isn't selfish, that's what lots of us do.
I'm 44 in a few weeks and have a 4yr old and a 12mth old. I certainly didn't feel anywhere near too old with my baby, and we do more with our children than the majority. They have the most amazing life possible. Activities and days out every weekend, part time work so I can take them out during the week, holidays, time with family and friends, loads of outdoor exploring, walking, riding bikes and swimming.
My friend adopted a baby (9mths) at 50yrs old. She is the most fantastic mother and he has the best life. We both probably look 10yrs younger than we are so unlikely to ever be mistaken for grandparents if that matters.

Having my daughter is the best thing I ever did, my little boy was so lonely during lockdown (he obviously had us but was used to being out and about and playing with other children), he absolutely adores his baby, she's the love of his life.

@SeasonFinale

I am 57 and am not sure I could/would be able to cope with sleepness nights, early mornings and everything else it would entail at this stage. There is a 9 year gap between my 2. There is potentially an 8 year gap between yours but they won't be friends as such as children. It would only be when they are older that they may or may not start hanging out together.

There are plenty of only children in the world. Is it truly for a sibling for your existing child or for you to hold onto a baby for longer?

I kind of agree with you in the fact that I think having a baby at 50 may be tricky but disagree about kids not being friends with a bigger age gap. There is 6 years between my two and they genuinely get on great. They play together all the time and really enjoy each other's company. Obviously they argue from time to time but from speaking to friends with less of a gap much less than others.

@Dazedandconfusedm11

Thank you all.

I work from home..so my child has all my time now

It's difficult..I have looked into fostering but because I don't drive, I could only have a teenager. A younger child might go to a school in another area. They would not consider me for anyone under 12
Which is fine but would prefer a child under 10. Do, not do easy just to foster.

Your child doesn't have all of your time right now, you're working full time. Or are you one of the ones that doesn't work while at home?

The point I made is that when you go part time you'll have actual time off work to spend with your second child. It wouldn't be the first or last time that a sibling finds that unfair.

If you're wanting this because you want a second child, then try, the odds are against you so chances are it won't happen, but try. But don't do it if you just don't want your child to not have a sibling. It's not a good reason and could go very wrong.

For me it's a no. I'd be focusing on my current child.

My dad had my brother at 50. Mum was 44. My dad was extremely fit and healthy, ran marathons etc. He was never, ever ill. Everyone thought fatherhood would be a breeze for my dad in his 50s and 60s given how youthful and fit he was. However a routine op in his early 60s triggered a decline of his health. Doctors said his age meant he didn't recover properly. He now lurches from one health crisis to another. My brother's entire teens were dominated by my dad's declining health and hospital visits. Of course people can be unwell in their 20s, 30s and 40s but problems are much more likely to arise in your 50s, 60s and later. And the key issue is that once you are that age you just don't bounce back like you used to. My mum aged dramatically after menopause. How you feel at 50 isn't necessarily how you'll feel at 57.

I think it isn't a good idea, being truthful I think you are too old.

I think your feelings are understandable and I can imagine very painful. I wonder if counselling would help. Many women struggle to come to terms with not having had as many dc as they wanted, and you'll get no judgement from me on that.

Your dc does not need a sibling. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

Given that a strongly held opinion on mn that having any children is selfish I'd say go with your gut. My body wouldn't handle another but that's because I've had 4 and avoided all advice re not carrying them, not carrying heavy loads, not running too much etc etc. Best of luck in whatever decision you make!

I don't think it's a good idea having a child at 50 even with donner eggs. You say your fit and well at the moment but you don't know how menopause will effect you in the next few years. Also your putting your body through a lot getting and staying pregnant. You could have a hard pregnancy or birth and it will take you longer to recover than a few years ago.
Another thing to consider is that you may end up having a special needs child and some times this does not appear on scans.

One of my friends had a child with autism at 30 and her life changed totally since then. The child is now 13/14 and is doing well know but she had to fight for the help they needed. Her oldest child would be 7/8 years older than their sibling and went through a few horrible year's in their teens. My friend found it very hard going at that stage. She had one very good friend who helped her out a lot then.
Another thing to consider is that if you had a child now with special needs it would effect your life, your child's life and partners life in a big way going forward. I know several woman with special needs children and it hard going even in your 30's let alone in your 50's. Then in the future you could be leaving your eldest child dealing with a special needs sibling which long term could effect their lives also.
Also if you do have another child now their is no guarantee that your children will get on. With that age gap they will want to do different things and go different places. Even as adults they might never get on.

I know that in the past you may have wanted 2 or 3 children. I had friends who were the same but ended up with one child. As their child got older they found that it was better for them as a family. They could change jobs, go part time and they had extra money for their child to go extra curricular activities. They could send their child to a good school and college.

As a pp said, you are 50. You might be fit and healthy now, but health can take a turn at any time.

Also the effects of menopause on you emotionally, you might sail through it physically but caring for young children when your estrogen leaves are falling is different and difficult.

You are only thinking of your needs, not the potential child's.

Look at the bigger picture.

OP can I ask, if you'd have been able to go ahead with your ivf, as planned two years ago, would you be asking this question as a 48 year old?

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth

OP can I ask, if you'd have been able to go ahead with your ivf, as planned two years ago, would you be asking this question as a 48 year old?

Thanks for the question

No. I wouldnt have asked the question and go ahead...

But I would not have been on a deadline with IVF. I have so many months left before clinic will not treat me.

Donor bank is now open..I have been waiting 6 months to get to the top of the list

I get the longing for another child but I think you really have to accept the fact that you are too old,sorry.

I'm the age you were when you had your daughter, I now have a house full of teens and a 9 year old, and I've decided that it's too risky to try for another baby. The high Downs risk can't be ignored and the impact that this would have on the adult lives of our existing children - You're going to use donor eggs though so you don't need to worry about that.

People will tell you that you're too old to be having sleepless nights...who wants to be a on a pension with teenagers etc...but they aren't you. It's absolutely fine that it isn't their thing, but it's also absolutely fine that you'd like to see if it could be yours.

None of us who could conceive without help have had to justify why we'd like a baby, and in my opinion neither should you. It's nice you'd like to see if you could give your daughter a sibling, but it's also OK to say that you'd really like one for you, and your family. 15 years ago you'd have been allowed to, so why not now.

What I'm trying to say is that you don't need to justify this to anyone. Its no more selfish to want a baby now than it is for people 20 years younger on a tight budget (ie its not).

Yes OK 50 might be too old for some people, and it might be that it sadly doesn't happen for you, but if you'd have gone ahead 2 years ago then I think you'd regret not trying. Wishing you all the luck in the world whatever you decide x

Only child here !! Of only children...

Don't know if it's been covered as have read most but not all the thread.

my mum longed for another child and never made a secret of it but she never found another relationship.

That said, I was a very happy child, I had an amazing childhood. DM (and dad when we finally met) put all their love and time in to me and I never missed the presence of a sibling.
In fact I believe it to be one of the reasons I never struggled to make friends. Mum would take me to the park and give me 5 I would have found someone to play with. I've always been incredibly sociable and formed my own friendships that whilst not born in blood are lasting a lifetime.

Please don't let guilt push you in to a decision that ultimately may not be kind to your body.

That said, I wish you well in whatever path you decide to take. Your body, your life, your choice.

If you don't go with it, the worse outcome is what you have now, which pretty wonderful. So you'd be able to move on at some point and enjoy it.

If you go ahead with it, it might be even better....BUT it could also become not so great. What if you are pregnant with twins, your new baby has serious health issues, disabilities?

What if you become totally exhausted, unable to cope, how guilty would you feel towards your eldest?

Life is a gamble so nobody can tell you what's best to do. It's your weighing the benefits towards the potential risks.

I know people are commenting on the age gap between your child and a potential sibling but I don't think the gap is that big at all. You've obviously thought about this and I say if you want it, go for it. Obviously IVF is hard but it sounds like you've considered so much.
I know people in their 20's and 30's where their parents are in their 70's but seem younger because they're fit and healthy etc.
I think this makes a difference. The energy needed etc when they're children.
Have you spoken to a fertility consultant already? If not, there's no harm in having a consultation to discuss options if it helps you to make a decision.