Page 8 | Am I Mad...advice please!

WhenSpringArrives · 26/02/2022 19:13

@Dazedandconfusedm11

The age difference is fine..me and sister are exactly the same age difference and we are the best of friends.

I never thought about the ethical side of women being forced to sell eggs due to poverty. That is thought-provoking!

My fertility journey has been since my 30s due to medical..so this has been a long, tiring and emotional journey...so this potential action is not on a whim.

I am so interested in people's opinions...thanks for all sharing.

@Dazedandconfusedm11

Not all women donate their eggs because of their financial situation. Many women going through IVF will donate some of their own eggs if enough are retrieved. This does provide a discount in what you're paying for IVF because you're donating eggs.
I was asked if I would like to do this but not enough eggs were retrieved to share with another. I think you have to have a minimum of 16 collected in order to donate 8. I had 7 retrieved.

Also women who donate eggs and receive payment don't receive much anyway. Roughly they get £750. This basically covers fuel, time off work etc because they have to attend the clinic every 48 hours. So it's hardly a quick and easy way to make money.

cocktailclub · 26/02/2022 19:24

I think you're in as good a position as anyone.

People have children when they can't support them, they have addiction problems or are sh*t parents.

You want this child and can be around for it.

You might live to be 90. Your child would have 39 good years with you. People who have kids at 20 might be disadvantaged and die young and their children will be orphaned.

I say go for it.

Keep yourself fit and healthy and go part time

MsTSwift · 26/02/2022 20:22

She’s patently not “in as good a position as anyone” because she is 50!!!

BigupPemberleyMassive · 26/02/2022 20:36

8 years gap doesn't give a sibling relationship a la hallmark movies. A secondary school kid doesn't want to spend hours with a baby and toddler.

They may become close as adults, but maybe in that case better to foster close relationship with cousins.

ElsieMc · 26/02/2022 21:03

Whilst not an older bio parent, I took on my grandchild/ren when I was 40. This was through the family courts. There was no question relating to my age and it was pointed out it was possible I could still bear my own children.

But there is a big difference between 40 and 60 which I am now. Gs1 is 19 and gs2 16. Things are more tiring and I do feel that I have had enough sometimes due to my age. I am fit and active but you do slow down. I also worried that it would make my gs's embarrassed having an older parent/carer but strangely they are not in the least embarrassed by me at all. Happy to shop with me etc. Still hate parents evenings etc, but I always did.

I also mind my gd who is 14 months and I find that hard. It is good fun though and I enjoy getting out and about with her. But it is practicalities now. I struggle with heavy lifting of prams, managing her walking and the pram etc.

I hope you don't think I am being unkind. I was adopted out to older parents and my mum was already old and stuck in her ways at 45 when she adopted me so by the time I was at secondary school she was 59. I did sometimes wish for a younger mum who could relate to me.

I have had older parents and been an older grandparent carer so I have seen the impact from both perspectives.

Original poster

Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 21:45

@ElsieMc

Whilst not an older bio parent, I took on my grandchild/ren when I was 40. This was through the family courts. There was no question relating to my age and it was pointed out it was possible I could still bear my own children.

But there is a big difference between 40 and 60 which I am now. Gs1 is 19 and gs2 16. Things are more tiring and I do feel that I have had enough sometimes due to my age. I am fit and active but you do slow down. I also worried that it would make my gs's embarrassed having an older parent/carer but strangely they are not in the least embarrassed by me at all. Happy to shop with me etc. Still hate parents evenings etc, but I always did.

I also mind my gd who is 14 months and I find that hard. It is good fun though and I enjoy getting out and about with her. But it is practicalities now. I struggle with heavy lifting of prams, managing her walking and the pram etc.

I hope you don't think I am being unkind. I was adopted out to older parents and my mum was already old and stuck in her ways at 45 when she adopted me so by the time I was at secondary school she was 59. I did sometimes wish for a younger mum who could relate to me.

I have had older parents and been an older grandparent carer so I have seen the impact from both perspectives.

Thanks Elsie..I love that name as my great Auntie is called that..love it.

I am not worried about appearing old or out of touch. I work in the Music business and totally around younger people/culture/festivals all the time etc.

My mum was 16 when I was born and always wished I had an older mum that didn't work all the time/didn't struggle with money/give us holidays/baked cakes like other mums/played games...guess you always want different fro. You have as a kid..

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 26/02/2022 22:06

@cocktailclub

I think you're in as good a position as anyone.

People have children when they can't support them, they have addiction problems or are sh*t parents.

You want this child and can be around for it.

You might live to be 90. Your child would have 39 good years with you. People who have kids at 20 might be disadvantaged and die young and their children will be orphaned.

I say go for it.

Keep yourself fit and healthy and go part time

What a stupid thing to say. A woman who is 50 years old, with a partner who has fertility issues, and who can only conceive via IVF, is clearly not "in as good a position as anyone" 🙄 It is not doing the OP any favours to deny the reality of her situation.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 27/02/2022 00:30

What a hard place to be in, with this decision hanging over you.

I'm a grandparent, with two DGS 11 and 5. I'm you in 11 years, age wise. I have them to stay for 2 nights and am wrecked!

Physically I am fit and healthy, mentally sharp, high level job etc. I cannot for the life of me imagine having to care full time for one or both of my boys, and I love them dearly. I simply do not have the strength to keep up with all that they need and want, for more than 2 days at a time. I also have little or nothing in common with the parents of their friends, which is the situation you would be in. Like parenting in a foreign world.

Don't underestimate how your body may let you down, although your mind and heart will be willing.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace.

ladydimitrescu · 27/02/2022 00:55

@MushroomCat

The world is about to go to war and is basically dying a slow death and your considering bringing in another child? Not to mention by the time the child is in their 20s you'll be in your 70s. Selfish.

Oh sod off. If your great great grandparents had the same view in previous wars you wouldn't be alive. Pipe down.

Original poster

Dazedandconfusedm11 · 27/02/2022 10:03

@Dazedandconfusedm11

:50Dazedandconfusedm11

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

Also, my m was 16 when I was born and worked all the way through my childhood. Me and my siblings never saw her, played games etc..not her fault that is what she had to do.

I will be mortgage free in a year, could go part time etc and am around every day for my child.

What do you all think?

Sorry..I just realised on my original post..my grammar was wrong...much loved and wanted child was in relation to having a 2nd child is this. I was wondering why I got certain responses. Thank you all for responding..

OP posts:

cocktailclub · 28/02/2022 06:30

@NameChange30 I don't think my pov is stupid at all.
People have children in many circumstances where they are not loved or wanted and the parent (s) are not able to give them any stability.
The OP can provide a stable caring family for the child.
No one can guarantee being around for their children sadly, but based on average life expectancy the OP probably has around 30 years.
Thirty years of love is enough to give a person a good start in life, more than many get from younger unstable parents who can't cope or even abuse children at worst or just can't be available for them.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/02/2022 07:54

The trouble is that it is very difficult to give an opinion without being influenced by your own life. I had my kids in my early thirties. When I am 50 they will be 20 and 17. So of course I am slightly horrified by the idea of a baby then. But I am not you.

One thing that might be interesting is to reverse the ages of you and your Dh. So do a post from a 42 year old woman wanting to have a baby with her 50 year old husband. (Via donor sperm so you don’t get 47 posts about the risk of autism from older dads.) I suspect the tone will be much more enthusiastic.

In the end this is your life and you will have to live with the consequences either way. Would I do it - hell no! Does that mean you shouldn’t - no - it means you need to be very sure that it is right for you before you go ahead.

NameChange30 · 28/02/2022 10:15

But it's just not the same for women and men as women are the ones who go through pregnancy and childbirth; that takes a huge toll on our bodies and has associated risks. So it is much easier (physically) for a 50 year old man to be a father than it is for a 50 year old woman to be a mother. Whether it's advisable is another matter and is up for debate. But it's pointless to say that the responses would be different if the OP was a man. Of course they would. Because men don't give birth. But I will stop there as derailing the thread isn't helpful to the OP.

IsabelHerna · 28/02/2022 12:26

I am sorry for your losses and for all that you've been through.

I would agree that indeed you're pushing it, but if you're up for a last year of trying then go for it. Just give it your best try! Find a clinic and start asap, find a clinic with NO waiting lists at all, figure out a way, and use donor eggs to increase your chances.

blueberryporridge · 28/02/2022 13:00

OP: on Mumsnet there is a huge bias against older mums. Most of the people posting will have had their children much younger, and are probably knackered from 10-20+ years of childcare. However, if, like me, you became a mum at an older age, you are in a different situation. Probably also more financially secure too. Their experiences are valid but not relevant to you. Likewise, I find people in their early 50s saying that they feel too tired to look after a young grandchild quite sad and I am not sure that it is at all representative of most people in their early 50s.

As a 57 (almost 58) year old with a 15 year old and an 11 year old, I have not found my age a problem factor in looking after them. I think having children has kept me young physically (more active) and mentally (by being exposed to new ideas and experiences through my children). I don't give a hoot what other parents think about me at the school gate but to be honest I don't think many of them are remotely interested what age I am in any case.

We never thought we would have one child far less two (10 plus years of ttc) but I do think that having a sibling is a good thing generally.

Do what you feel is right for you and your family. All the best whatever you decide!

Dragongirl10 · 28/02/2022 13:20

Without meaning to put a dampener on...

The issue is not so much now at 50, but when your children are in their teens and you will be heading towards 70, please don't think you will be feeling as energetic as you do now, as you won't sadly and they will be at their most demanding, (l felt toddlers were a doddle compared to teens)
You may also be floored by the menopause, and have elderly parents who need lots of support.
We all assume we will always feel the same yet ageing happens and we don't have the same energy.
There is always a risk of a child with additional needs who may need a lot of care too.
For me l felt 40 was my cut off age for more children, and now l am in my 50s I am glad l stopped with my DS at 39.(I had DD at 37)
l now have a DM who has dementia, who's care l oversee, two teens who need support and a frail father.....and l work FT.

Luckily thanks to HRT l am fit and well, BUT l have nothing like the energy l had at 45.
I realise you already have a Dc at 50, but one child is so much easier than 2, especially if life throws you the inevitable issues.

DoraDont · 28/02/2022 14:52

You are on the brink of menopause (which might well be responsible for your urge to have another baby), but once that kicks in, your desire to nurture a small human will evaporate.

I am an older parent, as was my mother, as is my brother, I don't think being an older is a negative, although plenty on mn do. However, I don't think older mothers talk much about what a headfuck menopause can be with young children. Catapulted from being pregnant straight into hot flushes, brain fog and vaginal dryness is no picnic, trust me.

I am 48 and have a 7yo. I had many years of failed attempts to have a sibling for my child, and contemplated donor eggs. Forty five was my notional cut off to stop trying, which I then extended to 46. The yearning for another child was real and intense, and it took me a long time to make peace with having one child and to move on (and of course it still hurts sometimes).

I look at my child now and the wonderful person they are and know that they make me happier than anything in the world. They are here, solid and real with needs, and deserve a parent who is committed to giving them a positive upbringing, not one spent longing for another child because one just isn't enough.

I also know plenty of adults who really don't get on with their adult siblings, some who have been estranged for years. Having a sibling can be great, but a six or seven year age gap is significant and you will be limited in what you can all do and enjoy together.

Ultimately, do what you feel you need to do, but it's a lot of money with no guaranteed outcome. I'd probably spend it on therapy and a dog.

RidingMyBike · 28/02/2022 15:16

I'm interested in what people are saying about a teen taking as much energy as a toddler. We're already locked into this as DD is primary-aged and so will be a teen when DH is late 60s! We've always thought of this as a plus as we've both worked with teens and what they seemed to need was someone listening to them and being available for them, which DH will be as he's already retired and is a very empathetic listener. It's what I remember from my teens is the hours I spent talking to my Dad. I can't see how it's physically demanding compared to having to heave a baby/toddler around, sit on the floor to play with them, clearing up the spills and general chaos etc. And the constant supervision necessary to stop them plunging head first into traffic/rivers/stairs.

Although it's true that whatever is usual for your family is 'normal'. So I've never thought about dads having a kickabout with kids, as it wasn't something my Dad would have done, and I can't imagine DH doing it even if he'd had a baby in his 20s rather than 50s as he hates sport. DH couldn't physically lift DD once she was two as she was quite big, but that's just normal for us - he tends to crouch down to interact with her or she sits on his knee. That probably sounds weird if your kid has a dad that's constantly carrying them on his shoulders, lifting them etc but it's just the norm for us.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 28/02/2022 15:25

I voted yabu. I understand that you are doing ok financially but I have 2 small children at 42 and we are absolutely exhausted. I know you might think you are doing your first child a favour but you might not be wither. Good luck with what ever you decide to do

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 28/02/2022 15:25

Either

RandomMess · 28/02/2022 22:24

@RidingMyBike with teens it's emotionally exhausting plus they don't go to bed so you are on duty all evening.

When they are stressed/unhappy you can't fix it and it hurts like hell.

I found the early years far far far easier. Physically more work but everything else loads easier.

RidingMyBike · 28/02/2022 22:54

But what are you doing with them all evening? I wasn't interacting much with my parents in the evening as a teen, we did our own thing whilst my parents watched tv on their own. My teenage nephews are rarely seen outside their rooms! It's not at all like having a younger child where they follow you around demanding constant interaction and need snacks and bottoms wiping etc?

I can imagine there's a lot of emotional angst which I remember from working with teens? But I always quite enjoyed that about working with them, whereas I've tended to avoid working with the under-10s!

RandomMess · 28/02/2022 23:01

They wander in and out, often there are taxi duties, they want to interact when it suits them. It's just different and you don't switch off the same way as when they were in bed at 7pm.

Often we don't get to eat out evening meal until after 7pm!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/02/2022 23:05

I don’t think I could look after a little one now at 42, never mind at 50.

I don’t think you’re wrong as such to consider having another one, but I do think you should consider the toll it will take on your body, and the dangers of having a baby when you’re older. Plus you’ll be there less for your existing child, so you’re not necessarily doing her a favour.

If you really want a sibling for your child, and you don’t mind them not being biologically related to you, have you considered adoption? Sorry if this is dealt with up thread but it sounds a reasonable solution.

MsTSwift · 28/02/2022 23:10

Well Dh finished work at 7.30 then from 8 was helping Dd aged 15 revise for a mock tomorrow that she’s stressing about. The mid teen was at an activity which I drove her to being fitted for costumes and one of the fitters made lots of comments about her height so she was ranting about that body image etc and needed to talk about that. They went to bed about 9.30 / 10 having consumed both our evenings. Dh asleep 20 mins after they went to bed! The days of 7pm bed times and lovely adult evenings are long gone…